Celebrity marriages - HecklerSpray

Parminder Nagra Gets Married, Which Is Apparently Interesting

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

When you think ER, one name comes to mind – George Clooney. And then Noah Wyle. And then maybe that Croatian bloke.

And then Anthony Edwards, Alex Kingston, Eriq La Salle, Mekhi Phifer and Linda Cardellini. And then Marilyn Sue Perry who played Prison Ward OB Nurse Judy Rogers in two episodes a decade ago. And then, maybe, if you haven’t passed out from exhaustion, you might think of Parminder Nagra.

And congratulations if you did, because Parminder Nagra has got married. We’re guessing here, but we’d say Parminder Nagra’s wedding is probably the biggest thing to happen to the world this week.

Fergie To Only Urinate Herself As A Married Woman Now

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Fergie from Black Eyed Peas goes by many names – Fergie, Stacey Ferguson, The Duchess, The Poundstretcher Madonna.

But now she’s also Mrs Duhamel. On Saturday Fergie married dangerously minor actor Josh Duhamel during a beautiful ceremony in Malibu. So, you know, if you thought you’d heard the story about how Fergie took crystal meth as a kid too often, have a little sympathy for Josh Duhamel – he’ll have to hear it every day until he dies.

Best of all though, every single D-lister who’s ever walked the earth saw Fergie and Duhamel get married. Oh Sarin, you’re never there when you’re needed.

Scarlett Johansson Thinks Her Unborn Babies Can All Eff Off

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Now that Scarlett Johansson is happily married to Van Wilder, you’d expect that babies were next on the agenda.

That’s unless you don’t care. Which you probably shouldn’t do, in fairness. After all, it’s not like you know Scarlett Johansson or Van Wilder, and you’d have to be a complete weirdo to like either of them enough to care about their potential children. Is that what you are? A weirdo? Is it? Want to know about Scarlett Johansson’s unborn babies, do you? You make us sick. Sick.

As it happens, Scarlett Johansson doesn’t want any babies yet. Are you happy now? Jesus.

Heidi Montag & Spencer Pratt Continue To Waste Our Time

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Remember when Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt from The Hills got married and everyone wondered if it was the biggest non-event in all of history?

Guess what – it wasn’t! According to all sorts of horribly depressing reports, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt aren’t going to legally formalise their Mexican wedding! It was all a great big waste of everyone’s time!

But, really, Heidi and Spencer should know that fake weddings are so passe – next time they want headlines they should try something more original, like getting caught in a bear trap or developing asbestos poisoning or playing frisbee with some landmines or something.

Wait, Now Heidi Montag & Spencer Pratt AREN’T Married?

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

We thought Heidi Montag didn’t tell her family about her marriage to Spencer Pratt because of a deep sense of burning shame.

But we were wrong. It turns out that Heidi Montag didn’t tell her family about her marriage to Spencer Pratt because they didn’t actually get married. Apparently Heidi and Spencer did had a wedding ceremony in Mexico, but it doesn’t count because it was only a symbolic wedding and no official permits were filled in.

So Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt were just attention seeking by getting married; something completely out of character for both of them. It’s hard to know how to react to this news, other than fighting the urge to hit both Spencer and Heidi in the nose with a symbolic cricket bat, then push them down a symbolic flight of stairs and then set some symbolic dogs on them. Remember, it doesn’t count if it’s symbolic.

Heidi Montag Marries Spencer Pratt, Apparently On Purpose

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Hey Nostradamus fans, you know that prophesy about the world ending after the union of the objectionable self-regarding nitwits?

Yeah, go ahead and check that one off. It’s happened – Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt from The Hills have run away to Cabo and got married, on the day that future historians will look back on and pinpoint as the greatest crash of humanity’s genetic stock market since scientists worked out that incest wasn’t very healthy.

But that shouldn’t detract from the happiness that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt feel in the wake of their marriage. Heidi and Spencer do suit each other remarkably well, after all, and we’re sure it won’t be long before we start hearing the pattering of tiny, um… what is it that cockroaches have instead of feet? Hooves? The sound of pattering cockroach hooves? No, that doesn’t sound right.

Angelina Jolie Will Marry Brad Pitt Just To Shut The Kids Up

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s attitude to marriage is simple – only gay marriage or Jennifer Aniston being really narked off will allow it.

Or at least that’s what we thought. Now, as part of her confusing ‘go against everything she’s ever said, done or thought’ promotion for The Changeling, Angelina Jolie has admitted that she will inevitably get married to Brad Pitt, but only to stop her children from pestering them for a wedding.

It just goes to show how persuasive a small army of multinational children can be. If they can make Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie get married, just think what else the Jolie-Pitt kids could achieve if they harnessed their pester power properly. They could even aim for the impossible. You know what we mean – if they all work in unison, they could convince Angelina Jolie to make a film that doesn’t stink like a corpseful of turds for once.

Dear God, Is Jennifer Aniston Pregnant Now?

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Jennifer Aniston is a girl after our own heart – she knows that the only way to keep a man is to get pregnant and guilt them into commitment.

Allegedly. Allegedly Jennifer Aniston has something growing in her stomach, and for once it’s not the burning desire to be the centre of attention or a little voice going “Feeeed meee! I’m so hungryyy!” Allegedly, you see, Jennifer Aniston is pregnant with John Mayer‘s baby. Oh, and they’re getting married as well. Allegedly.

If this is true, we can’t help feeling that this is a mistake. If Jennifer Aniston wants to get her revenge on Angelina Jolie so much, then she shouldn’t be getting pregnant from a pasty white American like John Mayer – she should be getting pregnant from a Cambodian. And an Ethiopian. And a bloke from Vietnam. And probably a couple of Indians and a some Chinese men. All at once. On the internet. It’s the only way.

Eddie Van Halen Gets Engaged To Woman Who Doesn’t Seem To Mind He’s Mostly Decomposing

March 24th, 2009 By Shawn Lindseth

If you’re a somewhat famous person who hasn’t really gotten it together in years – what you need is a good publicist.

Seriously – a good publicist can do wonders for your career. They’ll get your name on marquees, they’ll make the masses forget you’re ugly and dumb, and dang it all, they’ll even marry you if that’s what it takes to sell your next album.

We can’t guarantee all publicists will marry you – but Eddie Van Halen‘s will. She’ll marry you in a heartbeat – even if you look kinda like you’ve been buried in a moist hill for over 200 years. It’s because she does what it takes – whatever it takes, to get you a headline or two.

That’s what we assume anyway – because she just got romantically engaged to E Van Halen. Yes, she got romantically engaged to him, with plans to romantically marry him.

Now that’s dedication.

Scarlett Johansson Marries Ryan Reynolds, Nobody Knows Why

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Scarlett Johansson – one of the most beautiful actresses in the world who could literally take her pick of any man alive – has just got married.

But who has Scarlett Johansson got married to? A king? James Bond? A philanthropic playboy billionaire? Pre-goose Fabio? No. Scarlett Johansson has got married to Ryan Reynolds – the man who you’ll probably recognise as the bloke you wanted to punch square in the face for the entire duration of that Definitely, Maybe film your girlfriend made you go and see.

Apparently Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynold’s wedding was a small, quiet affair attended by only a handful of people. That’s not to say that more people weren’t invited – they just never got round to replying because they’ve all been scratching their heads and going “Ryan Reynolds? Why?” ever since the invitations arrived.