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celebrity marriage

Mariah Carey: Now Not Shutting Up About Her Bloody Marriage

by Stuart Heritage

You might not realise it by the way she constantly totters around everywhere in ridiculous shoes being all like ‘hey, look at me’, but Mariah Carey actually has a lot of dignity.

This is obvious from the way that Mariah Carey kept quiet about her marriage to Nick Cannon. She knows that weddings are sacred and personal and she doesn’t want to sully that by making it public. That’s our definition of dignity.

Our definition of dignity also includes a) confirming your marriage to People magazine, b) selling your wedding photos to the same magazine, c) yammering on endlessly about your marriage to the magazine like a froth-mouthed nutbag, and d) getting a marriage-proclaiming tattoo across your back so even people who you aren’t directly looking at can see that you’re married. Mariah Carey has done all of these things recently.

Perhaps we need to buy a new dictionary.

You might not realise it by the way she constantly totters around everywhere in ridiculous shoes being all like 'hey, look at me', but Mariah Carey actually has a lot of dignity. This is obvious from the way that Mariah Carey kept quiet about her marriage to Nick Cannon. She knows that weddings are sacred and personal and she doesn't want to sully that by making it public. That's our definition of dignity. Our definition of dignity also includes a) confirming your marriage to People magazine, b) selling your wedding photos to the same magazine, c) yammering on endlessly about your marriage to the magazine like a froth-mouthed nutbag, and d) getting a marriage-proclaiming tattoo across your back so even people who you aren't directly looking at can see that you're married. Mariah Carey has done all of these things recently. Perhaps we need to buy a new dictionary.
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Mariah Carey Quite Pleased About Her Ridiculous Marriage

by Stuart Heritage

OK, that’s it, it’s official – Mariah Carey really is stupid enough to get married to someone she’s only known for a month.

For all the reports of Mariah Carey’s marriage to her video director Nick Cannon, the lack of an official confirmation led many to believe that it was all just an elaborately cynical publicity stunt, albeit an elaborately cynical publicity stunt that nobody could really give very much of a shit about.

But we can lay all that to rest now – Mariah Carey has emailed the editor of Vogue to tell him how happy she is about being married. Nick Cannon might have emailed some people as well, but nobody cares because he isn’t famous and, besides, he doesn’t really look old enough to know how a computer works, does he?

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Paris Hilton Equals Perfect Wife, Says Obviously Android Boyfriend

by hecklerspray staff

The great thing about love is that there really is someone for everyone.

Just look at Sloth and Chunk from The Goonies. Sloth, a malformed man-beast with a saliva control problem and a wonky eye, loved Chunk even though he was an unfortunate-looking kid who got left behind like the whiny dead weight he was.

The same is true for Paris Hilton and her boyfriend Benji Madden. Really the exact same, actually. This modern day Sloth and Chunk are so in love that Benji has slipped nicely into delirium and is blabbering to anyonethat’ll listen about how Paris is perfect wife material. See? Just like Sloth and Chunk. Only more repellent.

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More Mental Than Ever Britney Spears To Remarry K-Fed?

by Paul Sorrenti

More Mental Than Ever Britney To Remarry K-Fed?Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have spent a weekend away together in Maui, where they chatted about getting back together, the possibility of remarrying and becoming a family again for their two toddlers.

And, according to OK! Magazine, upon their return, Britney presented Kevin with a belated £69,000 30th birthday present.

£69,000! Wow, what did she get him? A small house? A big car? A new and improved genetically modified brain that can come up with better lyrics than: “I’m not your brother, I’m not your uncle, I’m Daddy do, Steppin’ in this game and y’all ain’t got a clue”? Nope, none of those things. Can you guess? That’s right; a watch.

A fucking £69k time keeping device. Why not just take a look at the position of the sun? It’s completely free of charge!

More Mental Than Ever Britney To Remarry K-Fed?Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have spent a weekend away together in Maui, where they chatted about getting back together, the possibility of remarrying and becoming a family again for their two toddlers. And, according to OK! Magazine, upon their return, Britney presented Kevin with a belated £69,000 30th birthday present. £69,000! Wow, what did she get him? A small house? A big car? A new and improved genetically modified brain that can come up with better lyrics than: “I'm not your brother, I'm not your uncle, I'm Daddy do, Steppin' in this game and y'all ain't got a clue”? Nope, none of those things. Can you guess? That’s right; a watch. A fucking £69k time keeping device. Why not just take a look at the position of the sun? It’s completely free of charge!
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Jay-Z & Beyonce Wedding: Finally! The Florist Speaks!

by Stuart Heritage

Jay-Z and Beyonce wanted their wedding to be a special, private affair – something they could say was theirs without intrusion from the outside world.

So, in retrospect, maybe Jay-Z and Beyonce shouldn’t have hired the world’s gobbiest florist to decorate their apartment, because that florist – Amy Vongpitaka – has pretty much blabbed off about every single little aspect of their wedding in excruciating detail to a magazine. On and on and on she went, yapping away to nobody in particular about garlands and blooms and blah blah blah.

Warning: the following scenes contain endless talk about floristry that some readers might find a bit tedious.

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No Babies Or Wedding Bells For Scarlett Johansson

by Paul Sorrenti

No Babies Or Wedding Bells For Scarlett JohanssonHeterosexual males and homosexual females – and anyone else who has a pulse – unite and take note: Scarlett Johansson’s relationship to actor boyfriend Ryan Reynolds may be on the rocks.

According to a ‘Stateside spy’ working under cover for the Daily Mail, their relationship has ‘hit a rough patch’. It seems Scarlett has been scared off by Ryan’s mentioning of babies and weddings. The spy said:

Scarlett is younger and has no desire for a husband or family just yet.

What’s this? An A-list female Celebrity who prioritises her career above procreation?

How refreshing.

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Jay-Z Turns Beyonce From A ‘Beaaatch’ Into A Wifey

by hecklerspray staff

Jay-Z Turns Beyonce From A Bitch Into A WifeySinging businessman Jay-Z has finally made an honest woman of his hitherto ho-beau Beyonce Knowles.

According to People.Com, yesterday evening the couple held a private wedding ceremony at Jay-Z’s New York apartment, to which only close friends and family were invited.

They didn’t even have the common decency to invite the press. How are we to trust them? What are they so afraid of us seeing? Would we have found out the service was being funded by Jay-Z’s links to nineteenth century slave trade profiteering?

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Brad Pitt’s And Angelina Jolie’s Marriage Potentially Poppycock

by Paul Sorrenti

Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie’s Marriage Potentially PoppycockBrad Pitt and Angelina Jolie love and trust each other so much that they have decided to sign a legally binding contract making it a huge financial risk for either of them to sleep with anyone else.

According to Star Magazine website, the worlds most famous couple made their love official (any love outside of marriage is unofficial – fact) in New Orleans on Saturday.

What a scoop for Star Magazine! But not so according to people.com, who claim it’s all a big bag of overflowing poppycock.More…

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Pamela Anderson’s Stupid Marriage Officially Never Existed

by Stuart Heritage

Praise be to the heavens above – Pamela Anderson’s marriage to Rick Salomon has been officially annulled.

Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon managed just over two months of happy marriage before they separated, which we think could be a record for both of them. We’re sure they’re very proud, either way.

And it was a smart move for Pamela Anderson to choose an annulment over a divorce, because legally it means the marriage never existed. And that means that the next time Pamela Anderson short-sightedly stumbles into a marriage with a vastly unsuitable man, she’ll only be a double-divorcee instead of a triple. That third one would have put all kinds of men off.

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Cheryl Cole & Ashley Cole! The Showdown! Today!

by Stuart Heritage

It’s been a few weeks since Cheryl Cole left Ashley Cole for puking on another woman during sex, and you were probably hoping it was all over.

Wrong! Just because Cheryl Cole left Ashley Cole, it didn’t mean that she’s actually left him. Cheryl might even take him back, if she can get over Ashley breaking the sacred marriage vow about only splattering his stomach contents on her during sex til death do them part.

And that’ll all be figured out today as Cheryl Cole and Ashley Cole have their dramatic make or break showdown. Which will probably be streamed live on Sky News for all the bloody attention it’s getting.

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