Articles tagged with: celebrity marriage
Shania Twain: Man, I Feel Like Cutting My Estranged Husband’s Willy Off
Shania Twain and Mutt Lange had one of the happiest marriages in Hollywood. Except that they live about 6,000 miles away from Hollywood. Oh, and it doesn't seem like they could have been all that happy either. Actually, just discount that entire opening sentence, it's pretty much all bollocks. Anyway, the reason why Shania Twain's marriage was so unhappy was because her husband Mutt Lange was apparently schtupping another woman. Another woman who worked for Shania and Mutt. Another woman who Shania Twain considered to be her best friend. Seriously, if one of these people isn't given their own reality TV show soon we'll be buggered.
Shania Twain and Mutt Lange had one of the happiest marriages in Hollywood. Except that they live about 6,000 miles away from Hollywood. Oh, and it doesn't seem like they could have been all that happy either. Actually, just discount that entire opening sentence, it's pretty much all bollocks. Anyway, the reason why Shania Twain's marriage was so unhappy was because her husband Mutt Lange was apparently schtupping another woman. Another woman who worked for Shania and Mutt. Another woman who Shania Twain considered to be her best friend. Seriously, if one of these people isn't given their own reality TV show soon we'll be buggered.
Mr Sulu To Gay-Marry Everyone, Or Just His Boyfriend Or Whatever
Everyone loves a good homemade honeymoon sex video that's been leaked onto the internet, don't they? Which is why everyone should prepare themselves for the holy grail of honeymoon sex tapes. Or, to be more precise, the holy grail of honeymoon sex tapes featuring a 71-year-old Asian man humping his 54-year-old husband with every ounce of strength left in his feeble body. That's right - George Takei fron Star Trek is getting married! News of George Takei's wedding comes hot on the heels of California overturning its ban on gay marriage. And, as happy as we are that George Takei can formalise a relationship he's had for 21 years, maybe this new law will make it easier for other closeted gay actors to finally come out and stop living a lie. That's right, Doogie Howser, we're looking at you.
Everyone loves a good homemade honeymoon sex video that's been leaked onto the internet, don't they? Which is why everyone should prepare themselves for the holy grail of honeymoon sex tapes. Or, to be more precise, the holy grail of honeymoon sex tapes featuring a 71-year-old Asian man humping his 54-year-old husband with every ounce of strength left in his feeble body. That's right - George Takei fron Star Trek is getting married! News of George Takei's wedding comes hot on the heels of California overturning its ban on gay marriage. And, as happy as we are that George Takei can formalise a relationship he's had for 21 years, maybe this new law will make it easier for other closeted gay actors to finally come out and stop living a lie. That's right, Doogie Howser, we're looking at you.
Amy Winehouse: The Bone-Headed Vow Renewal
So Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil have split up and everyone's generally quite relieved about it, right? Think again - even though he's probably going to be in prison for the foreseeable future and she doesn't seem to be able to go more than a day without being in the papers for getting off with a variety of blokes who all look like infected bum scabs, Amy Winehouse and Blake Civil-Fielder are apparently planning to renew their marriage vows. That's the story, at least - in truth we'd imagine that Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil will opt for a slight retooling of their marriage vows. Since it's fairly difficult to pledge 'to have and to hold' when one of them's locked away in prison, perhaps Amy Winehouse can instead vow to keep her mangy genitals away from anyone out of Babyshambles for a nonspecific period of time. It's the same wedding vows we'd want.
So Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil have split up and everyone's generally quite relieved about it, right? Think again - even though he's probably going to be in prison for the foreseeable future and she doesn't seem to be able to go more than a day without being in the papers for getting off with a variety of blokes who all look like infected bum scabs, Amy Winehouse and Blake Civil-Fielder are apparently planning to renew their marriage vows. That's the story, at least - in truth we'd imagine that Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil will opt for a slight retooling of their marriage vows. Since it's fairly difficult to pledge 'to have and to hold' when one of them's locked away in prison, perhaps Amy Winehouse can instead vow to keep her mangy genitals away from anyone out of Babyshambles for a nonspecific period of time. It's the same wedding vows we'd want.
Ellen & Portia To Sob About Puppies As Properly Married Couple
You know what's hotter than lesbian sex? Lesbian sex rendered listless and infrequent by marriage! And it turns out that's exactly what Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi will soon get to experience for themselves because - thanks to California overturning its ban on gay marriage - Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossie are totally getting married. With the door opened for gay marriages in Hollywood, no doubt Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi will want to be among the first lesbians to formalise their civil partnership. Because that way they'll exponentially increase the chances of being the first lesbians to undertake a messy, bitterness-filled girl-on-girl celebrity divorce. We can't wait!
You know what's hotter than lesbian sex? Lesbian sex rendered listless and infrequent by marriage! And it turns out that's exactly what Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi will soon get to experience for themselves because - thanks to California overturning its ban on gay marriage - Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossie are totally getting married. With the door opened for gay marriages in Hollywood, no doubt Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi will want to be among the first lesbians to formalise their civil partnership. Because that way they'll exponentially increase the chances of being the first lesbians to undertake a messy, bitterness-filled girl-on-girl celebrity divorce. We can't wait!
Mariah Carey: Now Not Shutting Up About Her Bloody Marriage
You might not realise it by the way she constantly totters around everywhere in ridiculous shoes being all like 'hey, look at me', but Mariah Carey actually has a lot of dignity. This is obvious from the way that Mariah Carey kept quiet about her marriage to Nick Cannon. She knows that weddings are sacred and personal and she doesn't want to sully that by making it public. That's our definition of dignity. Our definition of dignity also includes a) confirming your marriage to People magazine, b) selling your wedding photos to the same magazine, c) yammering on endlessly about your marriage to the magazine like a froth-mouthed nutbag, and d) getting a marriage-proclaiming tattoo across your back so even people who you aren't directly looking at can see that you're married. Mariah Carey has done all of these things recently. Perhaps we need to buy a new dictionary.
You might not realise it by the way she constantly totters around everywhere in ridiculous shoes being all like 'hey, look at me', but Mariah Carey actually has a lot of dignity. This is obvious from the way that Mariah Carey kept quiet about her marriage to Nick Cannon. She knows that weddings are sacred and personal and she doesn't want to sully that by making it public. That's our definition of dignity. Our definition of dignity also includes a) confirming your marriage to People magazine, b) selling your wedding photos to the same magazine, c) yammering on endlessly about your marriage to the magazine like a froth-mouthed nutbag, and d) getting a marriage-proclaiming tattoo across your back so even people who you aren't directly looking at can see that you're married. Mariah Carey has done all of these things recently. Perhaps we need to buy a new dictionary.
Mariah Carey Quite Pleased About Her Ridiculous Marriage
OK, that's it, it's official - Mariah Carey really is stupid enough to get married to someone she's only known for a month. For all the reports of Mariah Carey's marriage to her video director Nick Cannon, the lack of an official confirmation led many to believe that it was all just an elaborately cynical publicity stunt, albeit an elaborately cynical publicity stunt that nobody could really give very much of a shit about. But we can lay all that to rest now - Mariah Carey has emailed the editor of Vogue to tell him how happy she is about being married. Nick Cannon might have emailed some people as well, but nobody cares because he isn't famous and, besides, he doesn't really look old enough to know how a computer works, does he?
OK, that's it, it's official - Mariah Carey really is stupid enough to get married to someone she's only known for a month. For all the reports of Mariah Carey's marriage to her video director Nick Cannon, the lack of an official confirmation led many to believe that it was all just an elaborately cynical publicity stunt, albeit an elaborately cynical publicity stunt that nobody could really give very much of a shit about. But we can lay all that to rest now - Mariah Carey has emailed the editor of Vogue to tell him how happy she is about being married. Nick Cannon might have emailed some people as well, but nobody cares because he isn't famous and, besides, he doesn't really look old enough to know how a computer works, does he?
Paris Hilton Equals Perfect Wife, Says Obviously Android Boyfriend
The great thing about love is that there really is someone for everyone.
Just look at Sloth and Chunk from The Goonies. Sloth, a malformed man-beast with a saliva control problem and a wonky eye, loved Chunk even though he was an unfortunate-looking kid who got left behind like the whiny dead weight he was.
The same is true for Paris Hilton and her boyfriend Benji Madden. Really the exact same, actually. This modern day Sloth and Chunk are so in love that Benji has slipped nicely into delirium and is blabbering to anyone that’ll listen about how Paris is perfect wife material. See? Just like Sloth and Chunk. Only more repellent.
More Mental Than Ever Britney Spears To Remarry K-Fed?
Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have spent a weekend away together in Maui, where they chatted about getting back together, the possibility of remarrying and becoming a family again for their two toddlers. And, according to OK! Magazine, upon their return, Britney presented Kevin with a belated £69,000 30th birthday present. Sixty-nine thosand pounds! Wow, what did she get him? A small house? A big car? A new and improved genetically modified brain that can come up with better lyrics than: “I'm not your brother, I'm not your uncle, I'm Daddy do, Steppin' in this game and y'all ain't got a clue?" Nope, none of those things. Can you guess? That’s right; a watch. A fucking £69k time-keeping device. Why not just take a look at the position of the sun? It’s completely free of charge!
