Posts tagged as:

celebrity marriage

Lindsay Lohan’s Dad Won’t Take Her up the Aisle

by Ian Dransfield

She may have officially become one of the world’s dullest people, not bothering to get into even the most minor of mishaps, but we’re still sticking with the girl. Because we like Lindsay Lohan – how could we not? She’s given us so much entertainment, so many words to write and so much vitriolic rage [...]

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Lindsay Lohan Kills Off Any Chance of Her Being Interesting Again With Gay Wedding

by Ian Dransfield

Well she’s finally gone and done it – at one time she was one of hecklerspray’s mainstays, attracting thousands through our doors with the mere mention of her name. Now she never does anything exciting – never gets her bits out after a night on the lash (or even intentionally), never gets into public spats [...]

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Ronnie Wood Tries To Save His Marriage, About A Week Too Late

by Stuart Heritage

We’ve often found that things slip your mind when you’re repeatedly having it off with a 20-year-old Russian cocktail waitress.

Things like, ooh, let’s say, the fact that you’ve been married to a non-Russian who isn’t a cocktail waitress for longer than your new conquest has been alive. It’s perfectly natural, so it’s perfectly understandable that that’s exactly what Rolling Stone Ronnie Wood seems to have been doing lately.

But no more. According to reports, Ronnie Wood has decided to return to the UK and plead for forgiveness with his wife Jo. It’ll be an important moment for both of them, but if Jo can find it in her heart to forgive Ronnie Wood then at least he’ll know she’ll probably forgive him the next time he picks up a skanky-looking Russian girl in a prostitute club too. Like we said, important.

We've often found that things slip your mind when you're repeatedly having it off with a 20-year-old Russian cocktail waitress. Things like, ooh, let's say, the fact that you've been married to a non-Russian who isn't a cocktail waitress for longer than your new conquest has been alive. It's perfectly natural, so it's perfectly understandable that that's exactly what Rolling Stone Ronnie Wood seems to have been doing lately. But no more. According to reports, Ronnie Wood has decided to return to the UK and plead for forgiveness with his wife Jo. It'll be an important moment for both of them, but if Jo can find it in her heart to forgive Ronnie Wood then at least he'll know she'll probably forgive him the next time he picks up a skanky-looking Russian girl in a prostitute club too. Like we said, important.
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Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee – Together At Last! Again. Again. Again.

by Ian Dransfield

Pamela Anderson seems to wish she could return to the past – to a time before hepatitis, miscarriage, divorce, Rick Salomon and definitely, definitely before Kid Rock. The whole world wants to return to that particular time. But the particular time she seems to want to return to is the one where a drummer from [...]

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Usher Tries Not To Be Unfaithful

by Chris Laverty

Usher, or Raymond when he wears those plaid jackets, is struggling not to bonk everything that moves now he is married and has a baby son to bring up. Poor, rich bastard. Whether you like Usher‘s music or not, it must be said that the boy can dance; predominantly he dances like a spaz, but [...]

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Shania Twain: The Inevitable Heartbroken Yelp

by Stuart Heritage

All break-ups must be difficult, but it probably stings a bit more if your ugly, almost-pensionable husband leaves you for a funny-looking Swiss lady.

Which is why Shania Twain is hurting so bad at the moment, because her 14-year marriage to Mutt Lange ended when he apparently started having it off with a woman who, to all intents and purposes, looks like a fire-damaged Sandra Bernhard bobblehead doll.

But if anyone can keep Shania Twain’s spirits up it’s her fans, all of whom Shania has sincerely thanked from the bottom of her heart in a message on her website. Don’t get too excited, though, because Shania Twain makes it perfectly that her heart has been broken into tiny pieces. So she’s thanking you from the bottom of something that doesn’t even work properly. What a massive bitch.

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Shania Twain: Man, I Feel Like Cutting My Estranged Husband’s Willy Off

by Stuart Heritage

Shania Twain and Mutt Lange had one of the happiest marriages in Hollywood. Except that they live about 6,000 miles away from Hollywood.

Oh, and it doesn’t seem like they could have been all that happy either. Actually, just discount that entire opening sentence, it’s pretty much all bollocks.

Anyway, the reason why Shania Twain’s marriage was so unhappy was because her husband Mutt Lange was apparently schtupping another woman. Another woman who worked for Shania and Mutt. Another woman who Shania Twain considered to be her best friend. Seriously, if one of these people isn’t given their own reality TV show soon we’ll be buggered.

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Mr Sulu To Gay-Marry Everyone, Or Just His Boyfriend Or Whatever

by Stuart Heritage

Everyone loves a good homemade honeymoon sex video that’s been leaked onto the internet, don’t they?

Which is why everyone should prepare themselves for the holy grail of honeymoon sex tapes. Or, to be more precise, the holy grail of honeymoon sex tapes featuring a 71-year-old Asian man humping his 54-year-old husband with every ounce of strength left in his feeble body. That’s right – George Takei fron Star Trek is getting married!

News of George Takei’s wedding comes hot on the heels of California overturning its ban on gay marriage. And, as happy as we are that George Takei can formalise a relationship he’s had for 21 years, maybe this new law will make it easier for other closeted gay actors to finally come out and stop living a lie. That’s right, Doogie Howser, we’re looking at you.

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Amy Winehouse: The Bone-Headed Vow Renewal

by Stuart Heritage

So Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil have split up and everyone’s generally quite relieved about it, right?

Think again – even though he’s probably going to be in prison for the foreseeable future and she doesn’t seem to be able to go more than a day without being in the papers for getting off with a variety of blokes who all look like infected bum scabs, Amy Winehouse and Blake Civil-Fielder are apparently planning to renew their marriage vows.

That’s the story, at least – in truth we’d imagine that Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil will opt for a slight retooling of their marriage vows. Since it’s fairly difficult to pledge ‘to have and to hold’ when one of them’s locked away in prison, perhaps Amy Winehouse can instead vow to keep her mangy genitals away from anyone out of Babyshambles for a nonspecific period of time. It’s the same wedding vows we’d want.

So Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil have split up and everyone's generally quite relieved about it, right? Think again - even though he's probably going to be in prison for the foreseeable future and she doesn't seem to be able to go more than a day without being in the papers for getting off with a variety of blokes who all look like infected bum scabs, Amy Winehouse and Blake Civil-Fielder are apparently planning to renew their marriage vows. That's the story, at least - in truth we'd imagine that Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil will opt for a slight retooling of their marriage vows. Since it's fairly difficult to pledge 'to have and to hold' when one of them's locked away in prison, perhaps Amy Winehouse can instead vow to keep her mangy genitals away from anyone out of Babyshambles for a nonspecific period of time. It's the same wedding vows we'd want.
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Ellen & Portia To Sob About Puppies As Properly Married Couple

by Stuart Heritage

You know what’s hotter than lesbian sex? Lesbian sex rendered listless and infrequent by marriage!

And it turns out that’s exactly what Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi will soon get to experience for themselves because – thanks to California overturning its ban on gay marriage – Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossie are totally getting married.

With the door opened for gay marriages in Hollywood, no doubt Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi will want to be among the first lesbians to formalise their civil partnership. Because that way they’ll exponentially increase the chances of being the first lesbians to undertake a messy, bitterness-filled girl-on-girl celebrity divorce. We can’t wait!

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