But that didn’t stop People this week. In its new issue, Kevin Federline has decided to open up for the first time about what ended his marriage to Britney Spears. Was it because Britney went barmy? Was it because Kevin Federline is a bloodsucking redneck? Ooh, we’re excited!

Anyway, it seems like Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have patched up their differences – Britney has even made sure she released her big comeback album to coincide with Kevin’s weird, parasitic little interview. Heartwarming!

It’s fair to say that Kevin Federline got the bum deal in his divorce from Britney Spears. Yes, Britney might have been the one who had a full-on psychiatric meltdown and literally ended up being slung into a padded cell against her wishes, but that meant that Kevin Federline had to look after the children they had. And those little buggers can swear!

What’s more, by being the primary carer for Sean Preston and Jayden James, Kevin Federline also found that the public’s perception of him was changing. Kevin was no longer the idle layabout with such epic delusions about his own talent that at one point he was literally writing the film of his own life, but something close to responsible parent who wants the best for his children.

And this made Kevin Federline angry. Responsible? Caring? That’s not who K-Fed is at all! So, to fight back and show the world that he’s still the same opportunistic, untrustworthy-looking cornrowed streak of yokel tosspiss that he’s always been, Kevin Federline has taken the biggest step available to him, short of re-releasing Popozao.

That’s right – Kevin Federline has decided to openly discuss the break-up of his marriage to Britney Spears for the first time on the same day that Britney’s new album is released in America. Oh, and he’s also done a photoshoot for the cover of the magazine carrying the interview co-starring the children that Britney isn’t allowed to see much of in case she has a psychiatric relapse and injures one of them. What a lovely man.

But, credit where credit’s due, in the interview Kevin Federline hasn’t simply taken the easy option and blamed Britney Spears for the break-up of their marriage. No, Kevin Federline has instead looked the situation dead in the eye and bravely and honestly pinned it all on his stupid kids. Kevin told People:

It’s hard enough to be in a marriage, and then have a kid, then kids, it changes everything. For me, I’d become more concerned with my children. Not that I ignored Britney, but my kids are always most important. I didn’t give her an ultimatum, but I was trying to work stuff out with her, and she didn’t even talk to me or anything and went behind my back and filed [for divorce]. [I was] completely blindsided.

OK, so he was blaming Britney Spears a bit as well as his kids. Sorry.

But, hey, at least we know what happened now. And maybe, now that he’s said his piece, Kevin Federline will slink away into the background again and it’ll be the last we hear from him. Apart from when Britney Spears decides to release the deluxe version of Circus in the middle of next year, because then he’ll obviously need to do another interview about how much of an unfit mother he thinks Britney is. He is only human, after all.

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May To December? How offensive! Everyone knows that Ivana Trump only ever falls in love for the long term. And by that we mean April to December romances. April to December romances that must end exactly on the stroke of the first of December.

Which is to say that Ivana Trump has split up with her half-as-young-as-she-is husband after just seven months of marriage. You may react to this news however you like. We suggest shrugging.

Some women have a type of man that they go for, but not Ivana Trump. So long as you’re a man, you’re inappropriately younger than her, you have a silly name, you look a bit sleazy and your idea of restrained sophistication involves buying a golden walk-in refrigerator with an ornate cherub for a handle that plays harp concertos every time you open it, Ivana Trump is more or less guaranteed to fall completely in love with you.

Because that’s Ivana Trump’s problem – she falls in love too easily. With arseholes, mainly. Ivana fell in love with George Syrovatka for eight years, then Donald Trump for 15 years, then Riccardo Mazzucchelli for two years and, this year, she fell in love with Rossano Rubicondi. And then out of love with Rossano Rubicondi again. Quite quickly.

Seven months after Ivana Trump married Rubicondi, their marriage has come stumbling to an end. It was such a beautiful ceremony, too – held on Ivana’s ex-husband Donald’s estate, in front of Donald, with Donald’s sister acting as the minister and with a reception in the exact room that Donald had his last wedding reception in.

Bizarrely, though, it wasn’t the nagging sense that everything he ever did would always be compared to a belligerent old man with a haircut like a baboon’s buttocks being pulled apart by a wind-tunnel that drove Rossano Rubicondi away from Ivana Trump – it was a reality TV show. Fox News reports:

The 59-year-old says she actually separated from 35-year-old Rossano Rubicon three months ago, but kept it hush hush so as to not mess up his chances on the Italian version of Survivor. “Rossano wants to live in Miami and work in Milan,” Trump said. “But, I am a New Yorker and my family, friends and businesses are here. As the beautiful song says, `Que sera sera!’”

Good for Ivana Trump. With age and experience she’s learnt to roll with the punches and take any bad news – even the news of her own divorce – by remembering the lyrics of beautiful songs. Incidentally, we’d imagine that the songs I Am A Cartoonishly Garish Old Lady and Don’t Forget To Treat Your Face As If It Was A Slab Of Furniture Leather have come in handy several times throughout Ivana’s life.

But still, maybe Ivana Trump does have a type after all – stars of reality TV shows. First Donald Trump from The Apprentice and then Rossano Rubicon from Survivor? If we were Bubble from Big Brother 2, we’d be crapping it right now.

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And it’s all Gwyneth Paltrow’s fault. Tucked away at the bottom of a New York Daily News article about how many molecules of mashed potato she briefly considered touching with her tongue yesterday – or whatever – came the news that Gwyneth Paltrow’s marriage to Chris Martin is ‘on a break’ and that she’s spending a lot of time with an American real estate billionaire named Jeff Soffer.

Great. Maybe Gwyneth Paltrow will end up divorcing Chris Martin and shack up with this Jeff Soffer chap instead. Let’s hope so because, judging by all the insipid cock she’s inspired her husband to write over the years, it’d mean that Gwyneth Paltrow would the impetus for some of the most cluelessly vapid architectural designs ever seen by mankid. Or a swimming pool shaped like a concerned face, at the very least.

It’s no secret that Gwyneth Paltrow and Madonna are the best of friends. It’s adorable. They’re both like two little lambs frolicking together in a field. Or one whiny piss-thing lamb that looks a bit malnourished and another lamb in a horrible leotard who actually hasn’t been a lamb for about 30 years but still dresses like one. This analogy’s going nowhere, sorry.

Anyway, Gwyneth Paltrow and Madonna have a freakish amount in common. They both give their kids crappy names. They both look like they live on one grain of rock-hard rice a week. They both think they can do British accents. They both do an inordinate amount of whining. They’re both a bit spiritually batshit. And both of them moved to London to be with their overrated British cultural icon husbands.

Or at least they were. Madonna, of course, divorced her cockney husband Guy Ritchie recently so that she could dedicate her life to thrusting her groin towards baseball players while crying in full view of thousands of strangers. And, since Gwyneth Paltrow is happily married to Beaker from Coldplay, at least they’re different in that sense.

For now, at least. Because it turns out that Gwyneth Paltrow has been spending an awful lot of time around mild-mannered billionaire Jeff Soffer, to the extent that she’s apparently now telling her friends that her marriage is all but over. The New York Daily News reports:

Feeding speculation that Paltrow and Martin are ready to split, Paltrow has been staying at Soffer’s Indian Creek Island mansion and spent Thanksgiving with him, sources said… “Gwyneth has confided to friends she and Chris are taking a break,” a source claimed. “Jeff is crazy about her.”

How true any of this is, we just don’t know. But it does seem perfectly feasible that, given the choice between a billionaire or a funny-haired Bono wannabe whose greatest contribution to mankind will be bellowing the word ‘yellow’ over and over again in the style of an elk being anally brutalised with a spiked club, Gwyneth Paltrow would possibly pick the former.

So it looks like we’ll have to keep Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s marriage under tight watch for the next couple of months. A divorce wouldn’t surprise us because, as history has shown, if either Madonna or Gwyneth Paltrow do something, the other is never far behind.

Well, most of the time, anyway – Gwyneth Paltrow occasionally makes films that aren’t complete monkeybum every now and again. Madonna’s never really seemed to pick up on that.

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That’s why Mariah Carey only makes music videos that feature her wriggling around in a bra or splashing about in a bikini in slow motion, and it’s also why Mariah Carey only releases songs called Touch My Body or Squeeze My Knockers or Stare Up My Bumhole. Appearing to be constantly sexually available is Mariah Carey’s one promotional cornerstone.

And that explains Mariah Carey’s alleged rage at husband Nick Cannon for telling the world that Mariah enforced a strict ‘no sex before marriage’ policy upon meeting him. Mariah Carey not instantly thwapping it all on a plate? That’s the kind of loose talk that destroys careers! Luckily Mariah Carey is a pro, so she’s fixed the problem herself by heavily implying that she sucked Nick off a bunch of times before the wedding. No joke.

Mariah Carey’s genitals have been in the news to a terrifying degree lately, haven’t they? As well as being the insinuated focus of every song she’s recorded in the last five years, we’ve also had to put up with all kinds of talk about their role in aiding the pregnancy that Mariah Carey gets so jittery talking about.

But that’s not all, not by a long margin. You see, Mariah Carey’s husband Nick Cannon has also been recruited into this rolling vaginal news cycle, which is why he recently told anyone who’d listen that Mariah Carey wouldn’t have sex with him from the day they met until the day they were married. Which, by our calculations, works out at slightly less than two days.

Oh, that’s not true. Actually it was two months. But anyway, by discussing their sex life so candidly, Nick Cannon broke the sacred bond of trust he had with Mariah Carey – the trust that silently implies to the world that Mariah Carey will have it away with anyone she likes, whenever she likes, while probably making a noise a bit like a dolphin on a rollercoaster.

It’s OK, though, because Mariah Carey knows exactly how to deal with situations like this – yes, she might have caved into peer pressure and had a two-month stretch of vague chastity, but that doesn’t mean she couldn’t be a teensy bit slaggy. SFGate reports:

She says “Why did he tell that story? He just told people… I didn’t want him to let everybody know that but I never said anything about it; I didn’t say, ‘Don’t tell people’.” But Carey insists it’s not as if they were complete innocents in the run up to their fairytale wedding: “We were intimate but weren’t completely intimate in the biblical sense.”

An expert intervention, Mariah. We’ll admit that we were worried about you for a second there. But, no, by alluding to a possible blowjob or – at the very least – a grubby couple of tugs on your boyfriend’s little soldier, you have absolutely restored your dignity to its previous levels.

But still, at least now we can see why Nick Cannon got married to Mariah Carey so quickly – it was because she made him wait for sex. There’s a message there, girls – if you want a boy to marry you, withhold sex.

Oh, and be so incredibly rich and famous that he’ll propose before he even knows you properly, because he understands that you’ll buy him all the crap he could possibly ever wish for and then get piles of cash when he invariably divorces you after the first couple of years. That helps too, we hear.

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But if there’s another thing that Jennifer Lopez loves, it’s getting married. Jennifer Lopez loves getting married so much that she’ll quite off marry someone completely unsuitable just so she can divorce him and get married to someone else a few months later.

However, Jennifer Lopez made quite the schoolboy error when she married Marc Anthony – a man she actually seems to quite like. Because now it looks like they’ll never get divorced and Jennifer Lopez won’t be able to feed her compulsive marriage addiction. Unless, of course, Jennifer Lopez opted for the methadone of the wedding world instead, and just pointlessly renewed her vows to Marc Anthony instead. So she’s done that.

Jennifer Lopez, as we think we probably just stated, loves weddings. She loves weddings so much that not only does she have it written into her contracts that all her movies have to end with a wedding regardless of whether they’re romantic comedies, revenge dramas about domestic abuse or weird bits of nonsense about her flying around inside a serial killer’s comatose brain.

Jennifer Lopez loves wedding so much that she’ll marry anyone. Literally anyone. People who’ll write books about her after they divorce, no-mark backup dancers. Anyone. Literally anyone. Well, not Ben Affleck, obviously. She’s not mental or anything.

Despite this, though, Jennifer Lopez seems to have found her soulmate in Marc Anthony. They do everything together – go on tour together, procreate together, make bad films together. Raise dogs to allegedly attack air stewardesses together. It’s sweet. But it means that Jennifer Lopez is less likely to divorce Marc Anthony and marry someone else who looks even more like Gollum.

It’s a predicament and no mistake – on one hand there’s eternal happiness with a man she loves and on the other hand is a new box of wedding gift napkin rings. How’s a girl supposed to decide between those two?

So Jennifer Lopez has opted for a happy compromise – this weekend, she renewed her marriage vows with Marc Anthony in a weird double ceremony with New York Mets outfielder Carlos Beltran in Las Vegas. People reports:

Wearing a black dress, Lopez looked “beautiful” as 12 people witnessed the ceremony, the source said. “Her parents didn’t even see it because they were with the babies.” Following the nuptials, a butler opened a bottle of Dom Perignon champagne for the newly re-married couples.

If that’s not the definition of romance, we don’t know what is. Dumping your kids on your parents so you can publicly treat your marriage like an expired insurance policy even though you only got married about five minutes ago anyway? Nice.

Oh, we’re just jealous. Really, we’re thrilled for Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony. In fact, we think that they should go away somewhere exotic to renew their marriage vows every single week. Because that’d probably stop Jennifer Lopez from making any more bad films or songs, and that way we sort of all get something out of it.

Apparently Hugh Hefner has been dumped his number one girlfriend Holly Madison – a woman 54 years younger than him who looks like she was reared in a battery-farm for titty bimbos – and all because Hugh refused to marry her.

Touchingly, Hugh Hefner seems quite sad about the split. There’s no need for him to be – after all, he shouldn’t forget the old saying ‘there are plenty more opportunistic young women who’ve mutilated their bodies for the sake of beauty that are willing to fellate a very old man even though it clearly disgusts them on the off-chance that he’ll write them into his will and make them rich when he dies’. Um, ‘in the sea’.

Hugh Hefner has lived the male dream to the letter. Boys, at one point or another, haven’t we all wished that we could grow old trapped in a gaudy shrine to our own sleaziness surrounded by women who are effectively paid to have a fleeting superficial interest in us in a way that keeps highlighting our chronic inability to form genuine emotional bonds with people? Well, haven’t we?

Of course we have. Hugh Hefner is a lucky man.

Lucky, but sad. Although last year Hugh Hefner vowed to settle down with his girlfriend Holly Madison, it looks like that relationship has hit the skids. Apparently Holly Madison left Hugh Hefner because he refused to marry her and she was insulted by his lack of commitment, not the way that she wouldn’t automatically get half of his stuff as soon as he dies in the next couple of years.

And although Hugh Hefner has made his career by playing Mr Free And Easy, it seems like he’s actually really quite glum about being dumped by an utterly indistinguishable sexbot young enough to be his granddaughter. AP reports:

“If Holly says it’s over, I guess it’s over… She’s still here in the house. Until a few days ago, we were still sharing the same bed… There’s been moments that I’ve been down in the dumps about all this, and (personal assistant) Mary (O’Connor) told me to cheer up and pointed out that there are girls lined up outside the front gate. At my age, that’s hard to believe, but it seems to be true.”

That’s the spirit, Hugh! Up and at ‘em again! Holly Madison may have broken your heart, but there are 50 other girls who look exactly like her, talk exactly like her and give off that exact same creepy golddigger vibe as her, and they’re all desperate to ride your brittle, increasingly gaunt skeleton until one of you dislocates something.

So pick yourself up, Hugh Hefner, down a couple of handfuls of viagra and get right back in the saddle again. You mustn’t die of a broken heart!

At least not while you’re so close to getting Miley Cyrus to show you her boobs, anyway.

But what you don’t see is the sadness behind Cheryl Cole’s eyes. The sadness of a woman whose husband got hammered on booze once and ended up having all sorts of depraved puke-sex with a slapper who wasn’t her.

Actually you can’t see that at all any more, because Cheryl Cole isn’t sad at all. In an appearance on Jonathan Ross to be shown on Friday, Cheryl Cole wore her wedding ring and told everyone that she’s patched up her marriage once and for all. The moral of this story, obviously, is that true love endures. And that if you earn £100k a week you can probably get away with vomiting over a few slags every now and then.

Cheryl Cole has had an excellent year so far. Usually her life is full of boring stuff like squabbles with Lily Allen and not eating much, but this year it’s been pedal-to-the-metal excitement right from the get-go, the lucky cow.

In January it was revealed that Cheryl Cole’s husband Ashley had cheated on her with a rough-looking girl he ended up puking on. This sort of constant public humiliation doesn’t sound particularly brilliant admittedly, but ask yourself this -  would Cheryl still be one of the judges on this year’s X Factor if it didn’t happen?

Well, yes, in all fairness she probably would. But forget that, because this is the story of Cheryl Cole’s uplifting journey – the journey of a victim of infidelity who learnt to soar to ever-greater professional heights by casting off the shackles of marriage and becoming a free woman.

Or at least it would be if Cheryl Cole hadn’t decided to pretend that Ashley Cole had never done anything wrong in the first place and got back together with him. Then it becomes the journey of a victim of infidelity who got a job on a talent show even though she’s stupid and her husband is a wanker.

Anyway, now that she’s on the telly – and everyone knows that being on the telly is the only way you can ever be truly happy – Cheryl Cole is truly happy again, and she’s been on Jonathan Ross to tell everyone that, although it was hard, she’s completely forgiven Ashley and he’s free to go and cheat on her again whenever he wants. Or something. Metro reports:

“I was tempted to put it [the ring] back on – in his head!’ she said. She then defended her husband’s mistake telling: ‘There’s something about celebrities having a perfect life; people need to relax and realise we’re human too. There’s no such thing as a private life in this industry,’ she told Jonathan.

Actually, for all our cynicism, it’s nice to see that a couple like Cheryl and Ashley Cole can put something as serious as serial infidelity behind them in the name of love. Love and definitely not anything else, like the fact that Ashley Cole earns four times as much as the average man’s annual salary every single week. Definitely not that.

Of course, as Cheryl Cole said, we shouldn’t forget that they’re just human and, as such, they’re probably both filled with enormous regret over their actions in the last year. Honestly, Cheryl Cole must be kicking herself about patching up her marriage before she could get a couple of hacky ghostwritten books and a decent reality TV show about her struggle out. That really has to sting.

And now the gay community needs Brad Pitt more than ever. Remember how the gay marriage ban was overturned in California recently? Well, that might be overturned soon, and the gay community is worried about the proposed overturn of the overturn. That’s why Brad Pitt has donated $100,000 to fight the overturn. Not because he’s sensitive to gay issues, but because he’s sick of everyone saying the word ‘overturn’ all the poxy time.

So, having fixed Africa, New Orleans and now civil unions between homosexuals, Brad Pitt can move onto tackling his most serious issue yet – the way that sometimes you buy a CD and the teeth that are supposed to hold the CD in place have broken and the CD slides about all over the place. We’re with you all the way, Brad.

Brad Pitt has long been a supporter of gay marriage. Well, actually we say that but we have our doubts.

Why? Because Brad Pitt famously once said that he’d only marry Angelina Jolie when all the gay people in America were allowed to get married. That sounds sensitive but it’s actually just a polite way of saying that he doesn’t want to get married to Angelina Jolie at all.

We know this because we’ve tried that tactic as well. But then gay marriage got legalised in the UK soon afterwards and we had to quickly make something up about not wanting to get married because of the offensive way that the government still hasn’t passed a law allowing kittens to get married to lampshades. Incidentally, that line’s yours if you want it, Brad.

Anyway, maybe Brad Pitt is more sensitive to the needs of the gay community than we’re giving him credit for, because he’s just donated $100,000 to fight Proposition 8, an initiative to re-ban the recently unbanned gay marriage in California. E! Online reports:

“Because no one has the right to deny another their life, even though they disagree with it, because everyone has the right to live the life they so desire if it doesn’t harm another and because discrimination has no place in America, my vote will be for equality and against Proposition 8,” the Burn After Reading star said in a statement.

“By the way,” the statement continued, “in my new movie I play a fitness instructor and there are totally loads of scenes of me jogging around in hardly any clothes. I did that for you, gays.”

It’s a nice move, but it’s unlikely to make a difference. Brad Pitt’s donation has put the anti-Proposition 8 fund total up to $11.1 million, but the pro-Proposition 8 movement has so far raised a much more impressive $16.6 million. Since this matter will ultimately be judged on which side can buy the most ostentatiously large yacht, it looks like Brad Pitt’s quest might be doomed.

But why is Brad Pitt so keen on keeping gay marriage in California? It’s simple – if gay marriage is banned then George Takei won’t be married any more and will have to return all his wedding gifts. And Brad Pitt would much rather pay $100,000 than see that kitschy ironic 12-foot fibreglass statue of a flamingo ever again.

Ends up the puppies were far too young to competently make a decision like that, and a judge ruled the ceremony invalid. With that, the puppies eagerly returned to their bachelorhood, and Uncle Tom got store credit from his internet priest.

Another short marriage we’ve heard of was Uncle Tom and an iguana he called Kippie. That one didn’t even make it through the cake cutting. As family lore has it – Tom was still rebounding from Patches, Bowser, Benji, Taffy & Mr. Cuddles.

Another marriage that’s very much in contention for the shortest ever title is Chris Kattan’s. He strolled down the aisle just 8 weeks ago and already he and his wife are going their sexy, yet separate ways.

Eminem’s third marriage to his ex wife lasted almost 45 minutes if memory serves correct. We’re told everything was fine until the rapper learned Kim still kept the canned green beans in the cupboard to the left of the stove. Anyone with a brain knows canned veggies clearly go on the right.

Eddie Murphy had an incredibly short marriage too. He tied the knot on an island pretty recently, but when the thrill of watching natives draped in pig intestine and the skulls of their enemies wore off, well, it just wasn’t a marriage founded on love.

Now Chris Kattan is splitting from his matrimonial partner. They said ‘I do’ on June 28, 2008 after a lengthy courtship of over 38 years. They’re fraternal twins – they started necking in the womb. No need to research that. Its guaranteed true. You can trust us.

Not really. But you can trust E! Online:

“Apparently, Chris Kattan’s marriage is a not-ready-for-prime-time player. The former Saturday Night Live star and his wife, model Sunshine Tutt, have split just eight weeks after their wedding. “They are separated for the moment, but are working on it,” a rep for the funnyman tells E! News. However, there are no immediate plans for divorce.”

Truly depressing news, right? It gets worse – his wife, Sunshine Tutt, tells us:

“I would that my father, along with all of my Tutt ancestors, arise from their Egyptian grave to suck the marrow from Chris’ bones, and crush his head into a sausage flavored paste. Stay out of this, Brendan Fraser.”

Can you believe the nerve of her? Neither can we. What we mean to say is if any of that last quote was true at all, we as a website wouldn’t be able to believe it.

Well we wish the both of them luck in their new seperate lives together. Also, we wish Sunshine’s sisters Moonshine, Starshine & Black Hole luck too.

Especially Black Hole. She always seems to have such a hard time at things.

Yes, it would seem that the relationship that had been hyped as ‘the love of the century’ – we may be making that one up – has gone the way of the perennially single Dodo, as Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer have reportedly broken up.

Try to fight back the tears, we’re sure Jennifer is managing to. Especially seeing as she’s now getting her thang on with some kind of model man from Britney Spears‘ Toxic video.

At least that’s more interesting than a nobody in a band, who seems to automatically screw any celebrity woman inhabiting a three-mile radius of his penis. We mean like John Mayer, if you weren’t paying attention.

But what was it that pushed the couple that we expected to marry within about four seconds over the edge? Was it a fist fight? A brutal assault? Endless verbal sparring that created as much sexual tension as it did pure, unadulterated rage? Well, no, not really. He couldn’t commit to her.

Of all the ruddy rubbish reasons women get fed…

But not only is that something that people have picked up on or overheard, it’s actually been put out there by one of our favourite things – a ’source’ – who made these claims:

“John took the decision to end things as he felt he just wasn’t ready for the level of commitment that Jennifer deserved.

“Contrary to reports, Jennifer didn’t want to have kids or marry this year, but she did want to set a timetable for their future together. She also wanted him to assure her he would cut down his tours in the future when they did eventually have children.”

It’s probably not the kind of thing you really want ‘out there’ in medialand now, is it? The fact that on one side you have a man incapable of settling down and on the other you have what very well seems to be a mental bint, hell bent on carefully planning the rest of your life for you before you’re even past 30 – well, it doesn’t help the image of either party, frankly.

Though let’s be honest, it makes Rachel come off worse, so we’re guessing the source was probably Mayer’s mum. On the other hand, maybe with Aniston’s succession of very public failed romances, it may well be true? She could well be something of a psycho harpy, for all we know.

We’ll have to see how the model man reacts – maybe she’ll demand he has to stop being attractive within a six month timeframe, just to keep the POA on schedule and to make sure he’s home to impregnate her on command.

All the while John Mayer is sure to be spreading his dull, uninspiring seed around whichever backwater towns he feels the need to tour in – but hey, at least he’ll be happy that he isn’t under the cosh any more, and at least a few more people actually know who he is since his relationship with Jennifer Aniston.

And as a result they know exactly why they should ignore the dull waste of skin.

Because we like Lindsay Lohan – how could we not? She’s given us so much entertainment, so many words to write and so much vitriolic rage to spew. It’s hard to be really very mad at an old friend.

But it wouldn’t seem that hard for Lindsay’s ‘born-again Christian ex-convict of an absentee father’ (copyright Stuart Heritage 2008), Michael Lohan, to give up on his own flesh and blood for mere ‘religious’ reasons. Big Mike has decided he can’t walk his daughter down the aisle should her rumoured gay wedding come to fruition, as it would go against his born-again Christianity belief system.

You’ve got to love religion. Especially when it’s one that you’ve been turned on to about four minutes ago. Whereas your daughter has been around for most of her life. Can’t argue with the man’s priorities, we suppose.

Michael Lohan has said from the very beginning that he would be fine if young Lindsay were to come out publicly as a lesbian, though that is pretty much a given. When you have a daughter that whores herself off to every man in the world (give or take a few billion), gets boozed up on booze every two minutes and possibly has a sex tape where she’s all naked and stuff, well – there’s a lot he’s had to put up with through the years.

Plus we hear Christians are good at that forgiveness lark, so she’s onto a winner there.

But no, it would seem simply walking his daughter a few steps towards her wedding ceremony would prove too much for daddio. Talking to The Scoop, who happened to be listening for some reason, Michael said this collection of words:

“I haven’t heard anything [about an upcoming wedding] from Lindsay, but if she was marrying Sam, I don’t think she’d ask me to walk her down the aisle. She knows about my Christian faith … she just wouldn’t ask.”

But it’s not all doom and gloom from the big Negative Nancy, who still supports his daughter’s choices in life. Even if he acts like he doesn’t, then tries to put any family members or possible family members through the wringer for his own nefarious ways. Michael Lohan went on to say, most likely continuing by using his mouth:

“I want her to be happy and healthy and stay on the right path. If I discuss her relationship, I say that I want her to be happy.”

It would appear to be pretty clean cut and straightforward for once in the world of the Lohans – she is apparently having a gay wedding, he sees this as being against his beliefs so does not wish to be involved. Fair enough.

But when is he going to admit that the real reason he doesn’t want to walk Lindsay down the aisle is because of what is waiting at the end? Frankly, even hecklerspray would be afraid of the sight of Sam Ronson standing at the other side of a room, looking at you as you slowly approach. She’s even worse when she’s wearing those bloody hats – it’s downright menacing.

Now she never does anything exciting – never gets her bits out after a night on the lash (or even intentionally), never gets into public spats with other drunken little girls – she doesn’t even get hit by motorbikes any more. Yes folks, Lindsay Lohan has become a great big pile of dull for us to cover here at hecklerspray towers. We mean, sure, her sister is attempting to whip up some controversy, thus making us all smile, but it just doesn’t have the same effect.

Lindsay just had something about her that made you laugh even harder when she did something completely moronic.

And now, if reports are to be believed, it seems that Lindsay Lohan is going to get married to her partner Sam Ronson. Oh, for those in the dark, that’s ‘Sam’ as in ‘Samantha’. Lindsay decided she preferred girls, then went dull. It’s always the way with old friends, isn’t it?

When we reported the apparent engagement of Lindsay and Sam all the way back in May there was a lot of speculation surrounding the story, with some pretty baseless info being thrown around. A classic Lohan story, in other words. And in the fine traditions of hecklerspray, the wedding reports are being handled in exactly the same way, with numerous ’sources’ and random news sites being consulted for the prime-rib info on the matter.

As well as to check whether she’s gone and got naked while pissed up and set fire to an orphanage or something. Just for old time’s sake, you know?

But no – this would appear to be a new Lindsay Lohan. One very much in love with her femi-beau Sam Ronson and one happy to declare her love in a private ceremony later this year, after California overturned its ban on gay marriage.

Wait – “private”? See, with this new Lindsay we could believe that, but then sources have told the media that:

“They’ve been keeping the relationship quiet for months and trying to pass each other off as ‘just good friends’. But they’ve decided it isn’t a fling, it’s for life – so they want to make their romance public. Dina is still working on the date of the party but it’s looking like towards the end of the year.”

Yes kids – Dina Lohan is organising it. Does anyone else want to place bets on how private this whole thing is actually going to be? Put hecklerspray down for ‘not very’.

Hopefully Dina can put some of her ever-present pushy mum influence into the ceremony and we can have the very public, very embarrassing event that we are all clearly hoping for, with a drunk, stumbling Lindsay slurring about threatening to fight lamp posts.

Not that we’d wish any ill health or unhappiness on the girl, obviously. We’re just quite bored without her being herself.

Things like, ooh, let’s say, the fact that you’ve been married to a non-Russian who isn’t a cocktail waitress for longer than your new conquest has been alive. It’s perfectly natural, so it’s perfectly understandable that that’s exactly what Rolling Stone Ronnie Wood seems to have been doing lately.

But no more. According to reports, Ronnie Wood has decided to return to the UK and plead for forgiveness with his wife Jo. It’ll be an important moment for both of them, but if Jo can find it in her heart to forgive Ronnie Wood then at least he’ll know she’ll probably forgive him the next time he picks up a skanky-looking Russian girl in a prostitute club too. Like we said, important.

We’ve never really given too much time to Ronnie Wood. That’s partly because he looks exactly like one of the Skeskis out of The Dark Crystal in a Chuckle Brothers wig and it freaks us out, and partly because he hadn’t ever done anything interesting, like, say, run off to Ireland on a booze-soaked sex holiday with a hollow-faced Russian 20-year-old he met at a notorious Soho sex club.

Luckily, though, that’s exactly what Ronnie Wood has been doing lately. Welcome aboard Ronnie. Welcome aboard.

According to all reports everywhere, Ronnie Wood has been drunkenly holed up in Ireland with Ekaterina Ivanova, a young Russian girl who’s a waitress or an escort or something, causing his wife Jo to inform him that their marriage is over.

Yeah, OK old lady. Nice one on deciding that you’re leaving your husband about a week after he’s starting having it away with a girl who a) is 33 years younger than you, b) has an exotic accent and c) is so good at sex that she quite possibly gets paid to do it. Way to empower yourself, sister.

However, the ploy might have worked, because now The Sun is claiming that Ronnie Wood has flown home from Ireland to try and patch things up with his wife:

The Rolling Stone, 61, caught a private plane out of Ireland after a heart-to-heart with son Jesse, 30. The guitarist, wearing his wedding ring and visible through a porthole, cannot accept his life with wife Jo, 53, is over and will plead with her to take him back.

Will Ronnie be able to win Jo round? Nobody can be sure, but at least Ronnie has one thing on his side – the new range of Hallmark ‘Sorry I had a giant alcoholic relapse and ran off to a different country to embark on an ill-advised love affair with a Russian girl who’s three times younger than me and possibly involved in the sex trade, wife of 23 years’. They almost seem tailor-made for Ronnie Wood’s predicament.

But let’s be positive here, and hope that Jo Wood takes pity on Ronnie and forgives him. She probably will, because any woman who can put up with her husband having a haircut like that for two decades can’t have all that many standards, can she?

But the particular time she seems to want to return to is the one where a drummer from a bit of a crap, over-hyped band who likes to get his junk out on stage gets to stick it to her on a regular basis.

Yes, kids, Pamela Anderson is back with Tommy Lee.

Unfortunately not Tommy Lee Jones. Mind – that would be both hilarious and perfect for Pammie’s reality TV show. Especially if Jones was in full ‘Two Face from Batman Forever’ makeup. Seriously – we at hecklerspray should be television executives, we’d make things worth watching again.

But that’s beside the point here.

The point is that Pamela Anderson is in a relationship with a man she’s known for more than 30 minutes – a revelation in itself – and if you add up all the time that she and Tommy Lee have been together it actually comes to more than a week or so. Surely a record for the ex-Baywatch star?

The groundbreaking, world-moving and earth-shattering news came about in an interview with RollingStone.com, when Tommy told the interviewer:

“Pamela and the kids have moved in with me. It’s awesome, man. It’s definitely working. You can tell on the kids’ faces — they’re happy when we’re together.”

Well, who wouldn’t be happy with the news that an ageing rocker from a substandard hair metal band and the woman that adorned the walls of every red-blooded male throughout the 90s – purely because she looked good running in super slow-mo – have shacked up (again)?

We certainly are. Because it means we are unlikely to have to report on the trials and tribulations of that no-talent berk Rick Salomon or his equally-pointless, though somehow marginally more annoying (probably because he’s an irritating, weasel-faced little prick) counterpart Kid Rock.

Yes, the world of a semi-stable relationship – that is, semi-stable in the world of Pamela Anderson, of course – is the perfect one for both hecklerspray and Pammie for a couple of fantastic reasons:

1) It means she may actually manage to stay with one man for more than 13 seconds, thus giving her kids the slimmest of chances that they won’t grow up to be utter, complete and total fuck-ups.

2) We won’t have to report on those utter, utter wastes of skin mentioned above any more.

Though we are likely to have to talk about Tommy Lee. Shit.

Whether you like Usher’s music or not, it must be said that the boy can dance; predominantly he dances like a spaz, but he sure can throw some crazy moves together. And it’s perhaps these slinky footsteps that have gotten his erect penis into trouble before. His reputation for banging broads like a horny puppy is well known in celebrity land.

Horny Usher also has a perfume out that bears his name stencilled in big bold letters using what can only be described as ‘tattoo script’. It smells a bit like turps and takes his personal fortune up into the trillions – thus confirming his status as ‘richest man to be named after the job you give someone who isn’t good enough to be Best Man at your wedding’.

As for his own nuptials, Usher isn’t confident about staying faithful, which must be either music to his wife’s ears if she is looking for a cut of his diamond factory, or pretty miserable if she, like, you know, loves him and stuff.

Usher told Cosmopolitan magazine:

“I’m good at making love, but I’m not good at being in love. It’s a conscious decision every day to love the person you’re with“.

The man who would be Chris Eubank with a signet ring married then-pregnant fiancée Tameka Foster in August 2007 after abruptly calling off the ceremony just a month before.

This might not be the best omen in the world and, coupled with Usher’s utter disregard for why people get married in the first place, gives us the gall to pencil in his divorce for, say, February 2009.

If he has issue with this statement, Usher is welcome to drop by our offices in London and put us straight. Now that’s London, not Manchester when it should be Kent, just as the bling king so memorably muddled up during a recent gig in the sleepy southeast county.

Married life might not be the worst thing in the world for Usher though; he should give it a chance. It’s fun to put on more weight than Oprah and then slouch about in your own filth while your better half nags you about drain hair and the toilet seat. So Jay-Z says anyway.