Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Brace yourselves, this one might take some getting used to. Pamela Anderson has actually managed to keep some part of her private life…private.?
Forget Tila Tequila, the original president of the exclusive ‘Two Sex Tapes’ club quietly remarried Rick Salomon over the holidays and we are two whole weeks into 2014, still ?with no sign of physical proof that they’ve consummated their love! Wonders never cease, guys.
Kevin Federline interviews are rare – transcribing all the hoots and grunts that form his vocabulary can take hours.
But that didn’t stop People this week. In its new issue, Kevin Federline has decided to open up for the first time about what ended his marriage to Britney Spears. Was it because Britney went barmy? Was it because Kevin Federline is a bloodsucking redneck? Ooh, we’re excited!
Anyway, it seems like Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have patched up their differences – Britney has even made sure she released her big comeback album to coincide with Kevin’s weird, parasitic little interview. Heartwarming!
You might think that Ivana Trump enjoys May to December romances, but Ivana would regard that as a hideous insult.
May To December? How offensive! Everyone knows that Ivana Trump only ever falls in love for the long term. And by that we mean April to December romances. April to December romances that must end exactly on the stroke of the first of December.
Which is to say that Ivana Trump has split up with her half-as-young-as-she-is husband after just seven months of marriage. You may react to this news however you like. We suggest shrugging.
Some advance warning: Coldplay, the dreariest band in the entire world, might be about to get considerably drearier.
And it’s all Gwyneth Paltrow‘s fault. Tucked away at the bottom of a New York Daily News article about how many molecules of mashed potato she briefly considered touching with her tongue yesterday – or whatever – came the news that Gwyneth Paltrow’s marriage to Chris Martin is ‘on a break’ and that she’s spending a lot of time with an American real estate billionaire named Jeff Soffer.
Great. Maybe Gwyneth Paltrow will end up divorcing Chris Martin and shack up with this Jeff Soffer chap instead. Let’s hope so because, judging by all the insipid cock she’s inspired her husband to write over the years, it’d mean that Gwyneth Paltrow would the impetus for some of the most cluelessly vapid architectural designs ever seen by mankid. Or a swimming pool shaped like a concerned face, at the very least.
Now, when you’re Mariah Carey it’s important that you have the right image – and that image is of a massive, slightly chavvy, slag.
That’s why Mariah Carey only makes music videos that feature her wriggling around in a bra or splashing about in a bikini in slow motion, and it’s also why Mariah Carey only releases songs called Touch My Body or Squeeze My Knockers or Stare Up My Bumhole. Appearing to be constantly sexually available is Mariah Carey’s one promotional cornerstone.
And that explains Mariah Carey’s alleged rage at husband Nick Cannon for telling the world that Mariah enforced a strict ‘no sex before marriage’ policy upon meeting him. Mariah Carey not instantly thwapping it all on a plate? That’s the kind of loose talk that destroys careers! Luckily Mariah Carey is a pro, so she’s fixed the problem herself by heavily implying that she sucked Nick off a bunch of times before the wedding. No joke.
If there’s one thing that Jennifer Lopez loves, it’s starring in hopeless romantic comedies that are only enjoyed by hairdressers and idiots.
But if there’s another thing that Jennifer Lopez loves, it’s getting married. Jennifer Lopez loves getting married so much that she’ll quite off marry someone completely unsuitable just so she can divorce him and get married to someone else a few months later.
However, Jennifer Lopez made quite the schoolboy error when she married Marc Anthony – a man she actually seems to quite like. Because now it looks like they’ll never get divorced and Jennifer Lopez won’t be able to feed her compulsive marriage addiction. Unless, of course, Jennifer Lopez opted for the methadone of the wedding world instead, and just pointlessly renewed her vows to Marc Anthony instead. So she’s done that.
Good news, girls – Hugh Hefner, the richest, sexiest, most prolifically sleazy frail old doddery 82-year-old man on Earth, is single again.
Apparently Hugh Hefner has been dumped his number one girlfriend Holly Madison – a woman 54 years younger than him who looks like she was reared in a battery-farm for titty bimbos – and all because Hugh refused to marry her.
Touchingly, Hugh Hefner seems quite sad about the split. There’s no need for him to be – after all, he shouldn’t forget the old saying ‘there are plenty more opportunistic young women who’ve mutilated their bodies for the sake of beauty that are willing to fellate a very old man even though it clearly disgusts them on the off-chance that he’ll write them into his will and make them rich when he dies’. Um, ‘in the sea’.
Watching Cheryl Cole on X Factor, chances are all you see is a phenomenal amount of make-up and a voice that makes you want to scratch your own spine off.
But what you don’t see is the sadness behind Cheryl Cole’s eyes. The sadness of a woman whose husband got hammered on booze once and ended up having all sorts of depraved puke-sex with a slapper who wasn’t her.
Actually you can’t see that at all any more, because Cheryl Cole isn’t sad at all. In an appearance on Jonathan Ross to be shown on Friday, Cheryl Cole wore her wedding ring and told everyone that she’s patched up her marriage once and for all. The moral of this story, obviously, is that true love endures. And that if you earn £100k a week you can probably get away with vomiting over a few slags every now and then.
Brad Pitt is a gay-friendly actor, partly because of his understanding and support of the gay community, and partly because he got his bum out in Troy.
And now the gay community needs Brad Pitt more than ever. Remember how the gay marriage ban was overturned in California recently? Well, that might be overturned soon, and the gay community is worried about the proposed overturn of the overturn. That’s why Brad Pitt has donated $100,000 to fight the overturn. Not because he’s sensitive to gay issues, but because he’s sick of everyone saying the word ‘overturn’ all the poxy time.
So, having fixed Africa, New Orleans and now civil unions between homosexuals, Brad Pitt can move onto tackling his most serious issue yet – the way that sometimes you buy a CD and the teeth that are supposed to hold the CD in place have broken and the CD slides about all over the place. We’re with you all the way, Brad.
One of the shortest marriages we’ve ever heard of happened when our Uncle Tom married an entire litter of golden retrievers.
Ends up the puppies were far too young to competently make a decision like that, and a judge ruled the ceremony invalid. With that, the puppies eagerly returned to their bachelorhood, and Uncle Tom got store credit from his internet priest.
Another short marriage we’ve heard of was Uncle Tom and an iguana he called Kippie. That one didn’t even make it through the cake cutting. As family lore has it – Tom was still rebounding from Patches, Bowser, Benji, Taffy & Mr. Cuddles.
Another marriage that’s very much in contention for the shortest ever title is Chris Kattan‘s. He strolled down the aisle just 8 weeks ago and already he and his wife are going their sexy, yet separate ways.
