Posts tagged as:

celebrity lawsuit

Woody Allen Sues The Spandex Off American Apparel

by Stuart Heritage

Woody Allen hasn’t endorsed any product since the Acme Adopted Stepdaughter That You’re Allowed To Sleep With in 1992.

But you wouldn’t know it to drive around America gawking out of your car window instead of concentrating on the road ahead of you. Because if you’ve been doing that, the moments directly before your gruesome death were probably spent looking at billboards of Woody Allen appearing to endorse American Apparel.

However, Woody Allen hasn’t been endorsing American Apparel at all, which is why he’s launched a $10 million lawsuit against the company. And he has every right to, because the billboards don’t accurately representing him as an artist. No, they’d need to be 500% shitter and have Ewan McGregor in them to do that.

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Smashing Pumpkins Whine About Something For A Change

by Stuart Heritage

If you heard a Smashing Pumpkins song advertising a delicious bottle of refreshing Pepsi, what would you do?

Chances are you’d either a) go and buy a thirst-quenching bottle of deliciously refreshing Pepsi right away or b) kick the television over, stamp on it and then slash your belly because you drank some Pepsi once six years ago and you don’t want to be seen to be endorsing the Smashing Pumpkins in even the slightest way.

But not if you’re Billy Corgan, lead singer of the Smashing Pumpkins. If you’re Billy Corgan and you hear a Smashing Pumpkins song advertising Pepsi, you sue your old record label and then write the millionth stroppy self-important letter bitching about everything of your life.

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Hulk Hogan Sued By Mangled Car Crash Victim

by Stuart Heritage

Time was when Hulk Hogan’s worst enemy was Ric Flair, but he’s coming to realise that some things in life are worse than whooping pensioners with freakish spiderweb hair.

Like his family, for instance. Not only is Hulk Hogan being divorced by his wife, but now he’s also been sued by the friend of Hulk Hogan’s son Nick who was critically injured when Nick crashed his car into a tree last year.

According to the lawsuit, Hulk Hogan is culpable for damages because he allowed Nick to drive even though he knew what a dangerous driver he was. If Hulk Hogan loses this lawsuit, he could stand to lose millions of dollars from it – an amount he could quite easily make back by agreeing to appear in another reality TV show. Something called Hogan Doesn’t Know Best or Hogan’s A Legally Irresponsible Parent or something.

Time was when Hulk Hogan's worst enemy was Ric Flair, but he's coming to realise that some things in life are worse than whooping pensioners with freakish spiderweb hair. Like his family, for instance. Not only is Hulk Hogan being divorced by his wife, but now he's also been sued by the friend of Hulk Hogan's son Nick who was critically injured when Nick crashed his car into a tree last year. According to the lawsuit, Hulk Hogan is culpable for damages because he allowed Nick to drive even though he knew what a dangerous driver he was. If Hulk Hogan loses this lawsuit, he could stand to lose millions of dollars from it - an amount he could quite easily make back by agreeing to appear in another reality TV show. Something called Hogan Doesn't Know Best or Hogan's A Legally Irresponsible Parent or something.
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Sean Connery: Neighbour From Hell

by C J Davies

It must be a nightmare living next door to James Bond.

Face it – you’d have that huge Aston Martin clogging up the driveway, a never-ending stream of Martini supply trucks dropping stuff off and the occasional coroner popping round to have a peek at dead ladies covered in gold paint. Not to mention the fact that he’d be looking all suave and ladykiller-like all the time, constantly showing off beautiful girlfriends like Eva Mendes while – in stark contrast – you have to settle for some slapper you met in Wetherspoons who looks a bit like the Cadbury’s Mini Eggs parrot.

Luckily, of course, Bond is simply a fictional character. You’d never have such trouble if you lived next to, say, actor Sean Connery, would you? Of course not – he’d be like a benevolent old uncle, constantly popping round from the flat upstairs to give you tins of shortbread and perform entertaining highland jigs when there’s nothing on television.

You’d think that, wouldn’t you? Wouldn’t you? Hell yes you would – and you’d quite literally be the wrongest person in the whole wide world for doing so.

It must be a nightmare living next door to James Bond. Face it - you'd have that huge Aston Martin clogging up the driveway, a never-ending stream of Martini supply trucks dropping stuff off and the occasional coroner popping round to have a peek at dead ladies covered in gold paint. Not to mention the fact that he'd be looking all suave and ladykiller-like all the time, constantly showing off beautiful girlfriends like Eva Mendes while - in stark contrast - you have to settle for some slapper you met in Wetherspoons who looks a bit like the Cadbury's Mini Eggs parrot. Luckily, of course, Bond is simply a fictional character. You'd never have such trouble if you lived next to, say, actor Sean Connery, would you? Of course not - he'd be like a benevolent old uncle, constantly popping round from the flat upstairs to give you tins of shortbread and perform entertaining highland jigs when there's nothing on television. You'd think that, wouldn't you? Wouldn't you? Hell yes you would - and you'd quite literally be the wrongest person in the whole wide world for doing so.
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America’s Next Top Model Of A $500,000 Lawsuit

by Shawn Lindseth

The life of a fashion model is one filled with the finest linens, using three spoons per meal and luxury supersonic jets whisking them away to the closest reaches of outer space.

Sometimes it also includes seeing cement walls, and being comforted with the knowledge your fist could slide right through it given the chance. Remember when Naomi Campbell did that? Did she do that? Honestly – the walk-enhancing steroids they probably all take have a massive temperamental side effect. That’s why models are like that.

Campbell’s not the only fashion model sometimes mistaken for hurricane Katrina – the up and comers on America’s Next Top Model are apparently destructive too. That’s precisely why their landlord is currently suing them.

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JK Rowling All Narky About Other Harry Potter Books

by Stuart Heritage

Harry Potter has made JK Rowling richer than her wildest dreams – but if you try to make money out of Harry Potter, JK Rowling will crush you in her mighty fist.

Harry Potter fan Steven Vander Ark is slowly coming to realise this, because he’s trying to publish a third-party Harry Potter reference book, Harry Potter Lexicon, and JK Rowling is doing her best to sue his balls off about it.

It just goes to show that JK Rowling won’t allow any unauthorised Harry Potter merchandise to hit the shops. But, hey, that doesn’t mean you have to tell her about that container of shoddy Far-Eastern lead-painted Dobby The House Elf choking aids that we’ve just had shipped into the country, OK?

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Blink 182 Bloke Angry With Drinks Company

by C J Davies

Remember Blink 182? Despite only disbanding as recently as 2005 (apparently), this trio of punk-pop muppets were really big in the year 1999, which led many to believe that a global technogical meltdown at the turn of the century would have been preferable to hearing All The Small Things one more time. Alas, it wasn't [...]

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DMX Legally Not Raped By Some Woman

by Shawn Lindseth

hecklerspray was horribly stuck once in the middle of a swirling gaggle of wing-flapping Canadian geese. It was terrible – all the squawking, all the honking, all the pinching us with feathers – terrible we tell you!

When they finally flew away we were stranded two states to the south from where we were when it started with only a tattered Italian motorcycle jacket and some wing-shaped facial bruises. Our subliminal self-defence mechanism has helped us block out a lot of what happened – but three weeks later we laid a freaking egg. We’re just saying.

Because of this experience we can kind of but not really relate to how DMX must have felt after some woman raped him while he was only trying to sleep with a window-breeze regulating the temperature of his exposed man-parts. We can’t totally relate, mind you, because a judge never summarily called our account fictitious and then awarded all those geese something like a million and a half dollars.

But aside from that we know exactly what the man’s going through.

hecklerspray was horribly stuck once in the middle of a swirling gaggle of wing-flapping Canadian geese. It was terrible - all the squawking, all the honking, all the pinching us with feathers - terrible we tell you! When they finally flew away we were stranded two states to the south from where we were when it started with only a tattered Italian motorcycle jacket and some wing-shaped facial bruises. Our subliminal self-defence mechanism has helped us block out a lot of what happened - but three weeks later we laid a freaking egg. We're just saying. Because of this experience we can kind of but not really relate to how DMX must have felt after some woman raped him while he was only trying to sleep with a window-breeze regulating the temperature of his exposed man-parts. We can't totally relate, mind you, because a judge never summarily called our account fictitious and then awarded all those geese something like a million and a half dollars. But aside from that we know exactly what the man's going through.
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Dennis Quaid Vs The Giant Drug Company

by Stuart Heritage

Dennis Quaid’s newborn baby twins are lucky to be alive – it wasn’t so long ago that they were being injected with doses of blood-thinner 1,000 times larger than normal.

But although his new son and daughter survived the giant Heparin overdose – and are thought to be recovering well – Dennis Quaid is still thirsty for revenge. That’s why Dennis Quaid and his wife Kimberly Buffington are suing Baxter Healthcare Corp, which manufactures Heparin, for £50,000 in a product liability lawsuit. It shows just how angry Dennis Quaid must be to pursue Baxter through legal paths, because in the past he’s resolved any outstanding medical difficulties by shrinking himself down to a sub-atomic level and injecting himself up Martin Short’s arse.

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Teri Hatcher’s Lips Are The Wrong Kind Of Plump

by Shawn Lindseth

It is so hard to make our hair look this good. But with the help of LA Looks extra smooth hair sculpting gel, we always seem to make it happen. Of course, we don't even start our hair until we've had a nutritious breakfast consisting exclusively of Hillshire Farms crispy bacon, Thomas' golden brown english [...]

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