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celebrity lawsuit

No, Honestly, David Duchovny Really Didn’t Shag The Tennis Lady

by Stuart Heritage

He might be a sex addict, but remember that David Duchovny has feelings – well, not on his penis, we’re presuming that he wore all the nerve ending off that years ago.

But, anyway, David Duchovny has feelings, and those feelings are easily hurt. For example, why do you think that David Duchovny hasn’t directed a movie since 2004′s House Of D? Because that movie was so hamfisted and borderline offensive that nobody dares let him behind a camera again? No, it’s because the critical reaction hurt his feelings. Probably.

Something else that hurts David Duchovny’s feelings is when people say he’s been having sex with people he hasn’t been having sex with. So when The Daily Mail claimed that David Duchovny had a full-blown sexual affair with his tennis coach, his feelings were hurt immeasurably. You couldn’t put a price on how hurt David Duchovny was. But if you had to, it’d be $1 million. And David wants that money now. Now. No, really. Now.

He might be a sex addict, but remember that David Duchovny has feelings - well, not on his penis, we're presuming that he wore all the nerve ending off that years ago. But, anyway, David Duchovny has feelings, and those feelings are easily hurt. For example, why do you think that David Duchovny hasn't directed a movie since 2004's House Of D? Because that movie was so hamfisted and borderline offensive that nobody dares let him behind a camera again? No, it's because the critical reaction hurt his feelings. Probably. Something else that hurts David Duchovny's feelings is when people say he's been having sex with people he hasn't been having sex with. So when The Daily Mail claimed that David Duchovny had a full-blown sexual affair with his tennis coach, his feelings were hurt immeasurably. You couldn't put a price on how hurt David Duchovny was. But if you had to, it'd be $1 million. And David wants that money now. Now. No, really. Now.
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Lindsay Lohan Sued For Something From Back When She Was Fun

by Stuart Heritage

Older readers, if they cast their minds right back, may remember a time when Lindsay Lohan was, you know, interesting.

Really interesting, too – there wasn’t any of this ‘occasional blogging about her implied lesbianism’ malarkey going on back then. Because, back then, Lindsay Lohan could hardly go a day without getting hammered on one substance or another and driving around all over the place like a cackling bug-eyed lunatic until she was arrested. It was fun.

But if you can’t remember that, you soon will – because some peripheral characters from one of these bug-eyed driving encounters have decided to sue Lindsay Lohan for causing them ‘surprise, shock, fear and panic’. Well, hey, we’ve seen the trailer for I Know Who Killed Me – and if fear and panic are legitimate reasons for suing Lindsay Lohan, then we’ll just go and put a downpayment on that hillside mansion right now.

Older readers, if they cast their minds right back, may remember a time when Lindsay Lohan was, you know, interesting. Really interesting, too - there wasn't any of this 'occasional blogging about her implied lesbianism' malarkey going on back then. Because, back then, Lindsay Lohan could hardly go a day without getting hammered on one substance or another and driving around all over the place like a cackling bug-eyed lunatic until she was arrested. It was fun. But if you can't remember that, you soon will - because some peripheral characters from one of these bug-eyed driving encounters have decided to sue Lindsay Lohan for causing them 'surprise, shock, fear and panic'. Well, hey, we've seen the trailer for I Know Who Killed Me - and if fear and panic are legitimate reasons for suing Lindsay Lohan, then we'll just go and put a downpayment on that hillside mansion right now.
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Lil’ Kim Sued By Odd People Who Want A New Lil’ Kim Album

by Stuart Heritage

As a female rapper, it’s Lil’ Kim’s civic duty to get in as much trouble as humanly possibly, but we don’t get the feeling she’s hungry for it any more.

Back in the old days Lil’ Kim could usually be relied on to cause a ruckus by lying about shootings and getting sent to jail for it or whatnot but, now that she’s a little bit older, Lil’ Kim seems to have taken her eye off the balls. Sure, Lil’ Kim still gets in trouble, but only for not delivering albums she’s been paid to make.

As such, Lil’ Kim is being sued by her record label. Although a little lawsuit might not seem like much, it’s actually an indication of something far far worse than any of us could have ever imagined – there are a handful of people on earth who actually want to hear a new Lil’ Kim album. We’re scared. Hold us.

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Yoko Ono’s Big John Lennon Lawsuit Dropped

by Stuart Heritage

For a song that sounds like the call-waiting music you’d hear if you were phoning Satan, John Lennon’s Imagine is still bewilderingly controversial.

Recently a 15-second clip of Imagine was used in a weird creationist documentary by the man who played the teacher in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, and it caused Yoko Ono to hit the roof. Yoko sued the makers of the movie for copyright infringement, but it looks like she’s been unsuccessful.

Yoko Ono has now dropped the lawsuit against the movie, presumably because the use of Imagine was covered under ‘fair use’ rules. So it looks like it’s one-nil to the creationists! You see, they’re always right! Apart from, you know, all their basic religious tenants and stuff! But still! Party time!

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Disturbia Sued For Copying Rear Window, Not For Being Dreck

by Stuart Heritage

Original ideas are thin on the ground in Hollywood because, as everyone knows, we’re all idiots and new ideas turn us into terrified cavemen.

That’s why most of the films released these days are either remakes, adaptations, sequels or big honking primary-coloured idiot trumpets starring Adam Sandler called Duh: My Is Yes LOL. But at least we can all say that the Shia LaBeouf movie Disturbia is completely original and pioneering and one of a kind. Even though it’s sort of identical to Rear Window.

That’s something the estate of the man who owns the rights to Rear Window seem to have just figured out, because they’re suing Disturbia producer Steven Spielberg over all the similarities to their story. But it’s obvious that Disturbia and Rear Window are completely different movies – Rear Window didn’t want to make us punch ourselves unconscious, for example.

Original ideas are thin on the ground in Hollywood because, as everyone knows, we're all idiots and new ideas turn us into terrified cavemen. That's why most of the films released these days are either remakes, adaptations, sequels or big honking primary-coloured idiot trumpets starring Adam Sandler called Duh: My Is Yes LOL. But at least we can all say that the Shia LaBeouf movie Disturbia is completely original and pioneering and one of a kind. Even though it's sort of identical to Rear Window. That's something the estate of the man who owns the rights to Rear Window seem to have just figured out, because they're suing Disturbia producer Steven Spielberg over all the similarities to their story. But it's obvious that Disturbia and Rear Window are completely different movies - Rear Window didn't want to make us punch ourselves unconscious, for example.
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Ne-Yo Wins A Bunch Of Cash For Being Better Than R Kelly

by Stuart Heritage

Ne-Yo – the only R&B singer on Earth to name himself after the Doppler effect – is a pretty popular chap, but now that’s been legally confirmed.

Last year Ne-Yo was on tour supporting R Kelly, but he got the sack after two shows because he says the crowds preferred him and R Kelly got the hump. A quick court case later, and Ne-Yo seems to have had his argument upheld – he’s just been awarded $700,000 from the tour’s promoter for sacking him so quickly.

So congratulations Ne-Yo – you’re now sort of officially more popular than a man who until recently was thought to have starred in a piss-sex video with a child. That’s just a level of popularity we can only ever dream of reaching. Tell us Ne-Yo, how does that feel?

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Tremendous Lawsuit Levied Against Kate Hudson’s Shampoo

by Shawn Lindseth

Does anybody else remember when Kate Hudson’s hair was nominated for an Oscar back in 2001.

There’s reason for that you know. It’s been enrolled in acting classes since the age of four. It’s done stage work since the age of 12, and sometime in the sixties it got its big break playing the part of Charlton Heston’s beard in that Moses movie. We believe that the hair is actually what the Israelites volunteered to follow – it emoted smoke by day and fire by night.

We know this because we’ve seen the original script. It’s quite tattered.

Normally Kate Hudson’s hair earns her nothing but accolades and free head-strokings everywhere she goes. Now though – it’s kind of gotten her into a pretty big lawsuit.

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Tom Cruise in $250 Million “is he a Scientology-Mafia Right Hand Man?” Case

by Ian Dransfield

Well, file this one under ‘how the hell did we miss that, even though it broke about a day ago?!’ See, you traipse the internet, you look through all of your sources, talk to people and even read things and yet – we still miss things sometimes. Big things. Things that were basically stories handcrafted [...]

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Verne Troyer Sex Tape Update: Gigantic Lawsuit Edition

by Stuart Heritage

Yes, you read that right, a Verne Troyer sex tape update – because you obviously haven’t heard enough what Mini-Me looks like when he’s having it off.

Anyway, oddly enough it seems like Verne Troyer isn’t especially thrilled that TMZ recently posted a video of him dipping his tongue in and out of his girlfriend’s mouth like an underdeveloped naked little anteater feeding from a proportionately much larger anthill.

So he’s sued them. And he’s sued sex tape entrepreneur Kevin Blatt, who is apparently trying to market the Verne Troyer sex tape. They’re big lawsuits, too – if he wins them, Verne Troyer could make himself very rich indeed. Sometimes we wish were born with genetic achondroplasia and lacked both the basic inhibition that stops most people filming themselves having sex and the nous to hide the sex tape properly afterwards. That money should have been ours, Troyer! Ours!

Yes, you read that right, a Verne Troyer sex tape update - because you obviously haven't heard enough what Mini-Me looks like when he's having it off. Anyway, oddly enough it seems like Verne Troyer isn't especially thrilled that TMZ recently posted a video of him dipping his tongue in and out of his girlfriend's mouth like an underdeveloped naked little anteater feeding from a proportionately much larger anthill. So he's sued them. And he's sued sex tape entrepreneur Kevin Blatt, who is apparently trying to market the Verne Troyer sex tape. They're big lawsuits, too - if he wins them, Verne Troyer could make himself very rich indeed. Sometimes we wish were born with genetic achondroplasia and lacked both the basic inhibition that stops most people filming themselves having sex and the nous to hide the sex tape properly afterwards. That money should have been ours, Troyer! Ours!
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Queen Latifa Sues Something With A Christmas Theme

by Shawn Lindseth

There was a time when we seriously considered messing with Queen Latifa, but then a brick crashed through our window with a note that said “I am gonna eat you with a side salad, My Brotha.” We still don’t know who that was from, but today we’re almost entirely in-tact and just don’t really care. [...]

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