Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
It’s hard to imagine will.i.am and Pharrell pulling each other’s pigtails over who gets to sound more like a Dr Seuss character, but here we are.?
The Black Eyed Peas singer is suing Pharrell for calling his Youtube channel ‘i am OTHER’, claiming that it’s “confusingly similar” to his own brand. Like will.i.am is ever going to mistakenly turn up to Pharrell’s album release party and start signing autographs. Does anyone else sense yet another Freaky Friday remake looming on the horizon?
Judging by the trailers, the basic plot to Terminator Salvation has something to do with flesh-covered robots enslaving everything all over the place.
If that sounds terrifying – don’t worry, because according to other trailers we’ve seen John Connor defeats them by reprogramming a bunch of Roomba vacuum cleaners to infiltrate the enemy and destroy them from the inside.
We’re told this scene is particularly gripping, as one robot vacuum has to slowly suck up its own mother.
But this isn’t the only Terminator Salvation drama – no! There’s also a producer already suing other producers for 160 million in non-robot dollars.
Imagine if you realised that a song you wrote sounded quite like Coldplay – you’d kill yourself out of shame, wouldn’t you.
Well, not if you’re Joe Satriani. Joe’s claiming that Coldplay ripped off chunks his song If I Could Fly in Viva La Vida, and he’s suing the band for everything they’ve got – so essentially a U2 songbook, some tatty faux-Napoleonic jackets and a scrawny wife who always looks miserable.
Why wasn’t the comparison between the songs pointed out sooner? Because everyone knows that if you own a Coldplay album and a Joe Satriani album, you must be drowned like a witch, that’s why.
We know, we know. London, this was supposed to be your big day – the day when Michael Jackson plunged into financial ruin on your doorstep.
But we’re sorry to say that it won’t be happening any more. Michael Jackson was due to show up at the High Court today to argue his case in the big ‘a sheikh gave Michael Jackson millions of dollars to sing his songs and Michael Jackson couldn’t be bothered so he’s being sued’ lawsuit. But now he won’t because, shame of shames, a settlement has been reached.
Now, we’re not exactly sure what this settlement involves, but one thing’s for sure – it had better involve Michael Jackson singing those songs that the sheikh wrote. If we have to go one more year without hearing future classics like That’s What Siddiqui Are For and Yummy Yummy Yummy I’ve Got Labaneh In My Tummy then we just don’t know what we’ll do.
People of London, pin up your bunting! Roll out your barrels of Jesus Juice! Cover the eyes of your squeamish young! Michael Jackson’s coming to town!
And it’s all thanks to that sheik’s lawsuit that threatens to push Michael Jackson into permanent financial ruin. According to reports, Michael Jackson will fly to London next week to give his testimony in the case that literally everyone’s calling ‘about the millionth Michael Jackson lawsuit of the last couple of years, and certainly one of the most dreary’.
But you know what this means? This means that if Michael Jackson’s going to court then the old Michael Jackson lookalike used in the TV coverage of his child molestation trial will get some work that doesn’t involve starring in adverts about the dangers of being hit in the face with a firework or being a scarecrow for once! This must be the happiest day of that particular Michael Jackson impersonator’s life.
Hand models, being essential to the global economy, must be protected at all costs.
Without them the rest of us would be quite helpless when trying to order a watch from a catalogue. Also mitten sales would plummet, and Palmolive would become just an ordinary dish soap.
Martha Stewart doesn’t care though. That’s why she allows the furniture she sells to cut off hand model fingers anytime it wants to. It happened recently you know – and not just to any ordinary hand model – he was a magician and a banjo player too.
Notice that’s all past tense – way past tense.
This is just a hunch, but we get the feeling that Prince smells like a mixture of hair lacquer, stale jism and very old ladies.
And we don’t know about you, but that’s a smell we’d love to imitate – that way people might think we’re a tiny androgynous control freak with no real sense of quality control, too. Oh, why can’t Prince ever get around to creating his own perfume? Why?
What’s that? Prince did create his own perfume last year? But it didn’t really sell because Prince refused to promote it? And now the makers of the perfume are suing Prince because they’re unhappy with his lack of cooperation? Oh. You do realise that we were only joking back there, don’t you? We don’t really want to smell like Prince. That’d be quite creepy. Who’d want to do that?
Michael Jackson’s friendships always fail – usually they’re soured by an unproved accusation of molestation or something.
But at other times Michael Jackson falls out with people because he goes to live with them and then doesn’t pay his way. That’s the case with Sheikh Abdulla bin Hamad Al Khalifa of Bahrain, who’s suing Michael Jackson for taking an advance on a recording contract and not seeing it through, amongst other things.
Apparently Sheikh Abdulla bin Hamad Al Khalifa paid Michael Jackson a $7 million advance for his participation in a joint recording project that never happened. Some observers are claiming that this lawsuit could spell financial ruin for Michael Jackson. However, given that the alternative is the release of an album of duets by Michael Jackson and a rapping sheikh, that’s something we’d be absolutely happy to live with.
Suge Knight may have allegedly hung Vanilla Ice by his ankles off a 20-storey building once, but don’t ever mess with his earrings.
Because, seriously, if Suge Knight ever comes round your house and suddenly loses one of his earrings, you’re very possibly going to get sued. Of course, it’ll help if the loss of the earring is directly preceded by an armed stranger bursting into your house and shooting Suge Knight in the leg, but mainly it’s about the earring thing.
So you wouldn’t want to be Kanye West, because he’s the man who Suge Knight is suing for the earring loss and the shooting. And Suge Knight means business, too – once he’s done suing Kanye West he’s going to punch Busta Rhymes in the face for losing one of his anklets and then twist one of Diddy‘s nipples as hard as he can until Diddy promises give back his missing cockring.
The last time Batman was in court it was for the now infamous case Batman vs. Dick Grayson’s cold, cold heart, in which the Dark Knight awkwardly sued his only co-worker for unrequited love. We’re not sure how it ended, but we seem to remember some major civil right coming out of the thing.
The next time he was in court was for a space-camp lawsuit, and the time after that it was because Catwoman smacked him really hard with a bull-whip once. It was in the middle of a battle. The judge sided with the lady, possibly because she was all leathered-up.
But as anybody who has ever sued judicially knows, three lawsuits are never enough. That’s why Batman is currently sticking it to Christopher Nolan for getting all up in his business and ruining the awesome life he once had. Wait – did we say ‘..he once had’? Because we meant to say ‘..it once had.’ The Batman in this case is some crappy city in Turkey.
