Posts tagged as:

celebrity divorces

Divorce Judge: Heather Mills Is A Bit Of A Tit

by Stuart Heritage

Right after she was awarded £24.3 million in her divorce settlement from Paul McCartney, Heather Mills tried to block the release of the judge’s full ruling.

At the time, Heather Mills said it was for the protection of her daughter. And it turns out that she was probably telling the truth – now that the ruling is out poor Beatrice is probably going to get bullied by her infant peers because it says her mother is ‘ridiculous’, ‘her own worst-enemy’ and pretty much a gigantic liar.

However, just because Heather Mills has come in for a sensational kicking in the judge’s ruling, don’t think that Paul McCartney got away scot free either – the ruling said he had a face like someone’s granny and that if he closes one more all-star charity concert with a prolonged rendition of Hey Jude the judge will come round and chop his cock off.

Right after she was awarded £24.3 million in her divorce settlement from Paul McCartney, Heather Mills tried to block the release of the judge's full ruling. At the time, Heather Mills said it was for the protection of her daughter. And it turns out that she was probably telling the truth - now that the ruling is out poor Beatrice is probably going to get bullied by her infant peers because it says her mother is 'ridiculous', 'her own worst-enemy' and pretty much a gigantic liar. However, just because Heather Mills has come in for a sensational kicking in the judge's ruling, don't think that Paul McCartney got away scot free either - the ruling said he had a face like someone's granny and that if he closes one more all-star charity concert with a prolonged rendition of Hey Jude the judge will come round and chop his cock off.
12 comments Read more >>>

Heather Mills ‘Hurls Water Over Divorce Lawyer Like A Crazy Old Nutbag’

by Stuart Heritage

As a former massive-haired gelatine penis-gobbling 1980s naked model, Heather Mills is pretty much class all over.

So, even though it was apparently a fraction of what she hoped to receive, Heather Mills accepted her £24.3 million divorce settlement from Paul McCartney yesterday with nothing but the sort of dignity and grace that could only prove her critics wrong.

What’s that? She didn’t? In actual fact Heather Mills apparently stormed over to Paul McCartney’s divorce lawyer and poured a glass of water over her head? Oh thank god – for a moment there we were worried that all that money had made Heather Mills normal. Perish the thought.

0 comments Read more >>>

VIDEO: Heather Mills Gets £24.3M Divorce Cash, Still A Bit Dickish

by Stuart Heritage

The Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce is all over, with Paul McCartney £24.3 million poorer and Heather Mill’s £24.3 million more obnoxiously smug.

The judge in the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce this afternoon revealed his judgement, and Heather Mills immediately ran to the nearest group of microphones to explain exactly how she felt.

We’ve got video of Heather Mills’ speech after the jump, but rest assured she’s as contradictory, self-congratulatory, bitter and confusing as you’d expect her to be. True, Heather Mills didn’t start screeching the word ‘Paedophile!’ over and over in the voice of an angry mouse – the first time she hasn’t done this in front of a camera for about 18 months – but it was a decent performance nonetheless.

5 comments Read more >>>

Paul McCartney Stumps Up Final Divorce Deal Today

by Stuart Heritage

Today is a momentous day – it’s the day that Paul McCartney and Heather Mills finally discover their divorce deal, putting an end to their long-winded divorce forever.

Well, OK, maybe not forever – we’re pretty sure that by teatime Heather Mills will have decided to take the whole thing to an appeal court because she’s not happy with the tens of millions of pounds that she’s been awarded – but for a bit at least.

How much money will Paul McCartney be ordered to pay Heather Mills? At the moment, newspaper reports are saying £25 million which, going on the accuracy of previous reports, means that in truth the real total could be anywhere between one pence and sixteen hundred jillion quid and a floating space-palace made out of kitten-breath.

0 comments Read more >>>

Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills Divorce To Go All Public And Stuff

by Stuart Heritage

Circle March 17 on your calender – that’s when outcome of the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce will be revealed, and who doesn’t enjoy circling dates when bitter divorces between two essentially unlikeable people stumble to a close?

But that’s not all, because the judge has decided that the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce is so important that he might as well make the whole shebang public afterwards, too.

That could mean that we could get to find out the exact nature of those wife-beating claims that Heather Mills made about Paul McCartney, and who doesn’t enjoy hearing harrowing claims about granny-faced old men brutally stabbing annoying amputees? Huh?

3 comments Read more >>>

Pink Divorcing Her Husband After All These Two Years

by Stuart Heritage

Pink’s last album might have been called I’m Not Dead, but her marriage certainly is – dead as a flipping doornail.

It’s just been reported that Pink and her husband Carey Hart are divorcing after two years of happy, split rumour-filled, years. Although Pink and Carey Hart have said that they’re still great friends despite the break-up, it’s no surprise that their marriage didn’t last on reflection.

After all, it must be hard to be married to a woman who looks like she could quite easily beat you in an arm-wrestling match.

3 comments Read more >>>

Cheryl Cole & Ashley Cole! The Showdown! Today!

by Stuart Heritage

It’s been a few weeks since Cheryl Cole left Ashley Cole for puking on another woman during sex, and you were probably hoping it was all over.

Wrong! Just because Cheryl Cole left Ashley Cole, it didn’t mean that she’s actually left him. Cheryl might even take him back, if she can get over Ashley breaking the sacred marriage vow about only splattering his stomach contents on her during sex til death do them part.

And that’ll all be figured out today as Cheryl Cole and Ashley Cole have their dramatic make or break showdown. Which will probably be streamed live on Sky News for all the bloody attention it’s getting.

2 comments Read more >>>

Judge To Choose How Much McCartney Money Heather Mills Gets

by Stuart Heritage

If the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce was a movie villain, it’d be one of those invincible ones that doesn’t die even when you’ve smacked its face in with the back of a shovel 50 times.

After a week at the High Court failing to thrash out a deal in private, the judge presiding over the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce has decided to take things into his own hands and will decide how much cash Heather Mills gets himself.

And then, in a month, that’ll be it – Paul McCartney will be divorced from Heather Mills. Unless Heather Mills decides she doesn’t like the decision and drags it out through the Court Of Appeals and the House Of Lords for months and months, of course. Which, let’s face it, she probably will.

5 comments Read more >>>

Denise Richards Reality TV Show A Horrifying, Um, Reality

by Stuart Heritage

Ever wondered what it’s like being Denise Richards?

No, us neither. Not at all. In fact, sometimes entire calendar months pass when we don’t even think of Denise Richards, let alone wonder what it’d be like to actually be her. We’ve got plenty of more important things to wonder about than that.

But tough shit, because Denise Richards has formally announced that she’s making a reality TV show about herself with the express intention of showing everyone what it’s like to be Denise Richards. The show won’t be broadcast until the summer, but we can already guess what it’s like to be Denise Richards – pretty much like being any other idiot, but with better tits.

0 comments Read more >>>

Ryan Phillippe Gets All ‘Poor Me’ About Reese Witherspoon Divorce

by Stuart Heritage

Remember when Reese Witherspoon got divorced from Ryan Phillippe and everyone thought it was because he was boning that other girl?

Us too, but it turns out that everyone was wrong about it – because Ryan Phillippe has just been interviewed in W Magazine and he revealed that he was so cut up about divorcing his vastly more successful wife that he literally didn’t get out of bed for five months.

Also, according to Ryan Phillippe, “an outside person can never cause a divorce.” So, lads, remember to keep that argument in mind for when your wife catches you boning other women. We hear that one’s watertight from a legal perspective.

5 comments Read more >>>

← Previous Entries

Next Entries →