Posts tagged as:

celebrity divorces

Denise Richards Goes Bananas At Charlie Sheen Again

by Stuart Heritage

Ready for another round of Charlie Sheen Vs Denise Richards: Who’s The Most Confusingly Mental? You are?

Well that’s just great, because you’re just in time – Denise Richards has gone on TV to promote her forthcoming reality TV show Denise Richards: It’s Complicated. And something else, too… what was it again?

Oh yes, that’s it – to angrily lay into Charlie Sheen yet again, this time to deny writing an email requesting a sperm donation from Sheen and to bitterly invoke the memory of her dead mother an uncomfortable number of times, all with a terrifying “don’t mess with me, world” glint in her eye. Don’t believe us? Lucky the video’s after the jump then, huh?

3 comments Read more >>>

Liv Tyler Divorces Comedy Northerner Husband

by Stuart Heritage

Remember Spacehog? Of course you don’t – they were rubbish and we only know their name because we just looked it up.

However, apart from their genuinely awful name, Spacehog looked to go down in history for one thing – the fact that frontman Royston Langdon was the jammiest generic northern indie singer in the world because he’d somehow convinced Liv Tyler to marry him.

But, men of the world, you no longer have to be rampantly jealous of Royston Langdon, because Liv Tyler’s just decided to divorce him. That is unless you enjoyed being rampantly jealous of Royston Langdon, of course, in which case you have plenty of other things to envy him for, like… um… look, we’re going to have to get back to you on this.

6 comments Read more >>>

Amy Winehouse Wants Husband To Stay In Jail (And A Divorce)

by Paul Sorrenti

Amy Winehouse is officially the weeks most talked about celebrity. A fairly remarkable feat when you take into consideration that she hasn’t died, escaped death, or so much as flashed a tit to a camera.

Why are we interested in this girl? It surely hasn’t got anything to do with talent, has it?

At the beginning of the week there was news of her being nominated for three Ivor Novello awards. A couple of days later she was named as the youth of the UK’s ‘Ultimate Heroine’ which coincided with rumours of her assaulting two members of the general public, for which she was arrested for last night and cautioned for today, as well as coming tenth in the Sunday Times Young Music Millionaires list.

And now, according to The Sun, she doesn’t want her husband to be released from jail, she does want a divorce, and she’s falling in love with her manager’s assistant.

No wonder she’s on crack.

Amy Winehouse is officially the weeks most talked about celebrity. A fairly remarkable feat when you take into consideration that she hasn’t died, escaped death, or so much as flashed a tit to a camera. Why are we interested in this girl? It surely hasn’t got anything to do with talent, has it? At the beginning of the week there was news of her being nominated for three Ivor Novello awards. A couple of days later she was named as the youth of the UK’s ‘Ultimate Heroine’ which coincided with rumours of her assaulting two members of the general public, for which she was arrested for last night and cautioned for today, as well as coming tenth in the Sunday Times Young Music Millionaires list. And now, according to The Sun, she doesn’t want her husband to be released from jail, she does want a divorce, and she’s falling in love with her manager’s assistant. No wonder she’s on crack.
6 comments Read more >>>

Gary Coleman Divorces Kind-Hearted Non-Angry Non-Midget

by Shawn Lindseth

It is with great sorrow and low-hung heads that we bring you this news: Heaven is broken and love hath not glue.

Was that deep? We just wrote that. Nobody else use it as we intend to get it copyrighted and what-not. We’d like to thank Gary Coleman for inspiring to write it, and want him onstage with us if we ever get some sort of literary award for writing it.

He’s heading for splitsville, you know. It’s true – Coleman, usually star of the small screen, sometimes star of the low-budget big screen and most recently star of his bathroom mirror, is having severe marital difficulty. This is almost inconceivable as the man only got hitched like yesterday or something.

Depending on the source, Coleman is either getting a full-fledged divorce on the show Divorce Court, or he’s just going on to get some marital advice. Of course the former is far more sensational of a headline.

It is with great sorrow and low-hung heads that we bring you this news: Heaven is broken and love hath not glue. Was that deep? We just wrote that. Nobody else use it as we intend to get it copyrighted and what-not. We’d like to thank Gary Coleman for inspiring to write it, and want him onstage with us if we ever get some sort of literary award for writing it. He’s heading for splitsville, you know. It’s true - Coleman, usually star of the small screen, sometimes star of the low-budget big screen and most recently star of his bathroom mirror, is having severe marital difficulty. This is almost inconceivable as the man only got hitched like yesterday or something. Depending on the source, Coleman is either getting a full-fledged divorce on the show Divorce Court, or he’s just going on to get some marital advice. Of course the former is far more sensational of a headline.
0 comments Read more >>>

David Hasselhoff Divorce: Don’t Worry, He Gets The Hoff

by Stuart Heritage

David Hasselhoff divorce from Pamela Bach is finally complete and, although it’s a stark reminder that he’s ultimately a tragic failure, it’s not all bad.

That’s because David Hasselhoff got to keep the thing he most treasures in the divorce settlement – his name. Or, specifically, use of the phrases ‘The Hoff’ and ‘Don’t Hassel The Hoff’. Honestly, we’re not making this up. Furthermore David Hasselhoff gets to keep the intellectual property rights to a potential TV show called Tales Of The Hoff.

Sometimes a story comes along that doesn’t need jokes to be funny. We think this might be one of them. Oh, and David Hasselhoff also gets to keep the elephant foot, too. We promise all this is true.

2 comments Read more >>>

Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes: It’s Over, Except It Probably Isn’t

by Stuart Heritage

If any of you have a secret crush on either Tom Cruise or Katie Holmes, then we have bad news – a) they’re not divorcing, and b) you’re quite creepy.

And, although we could write a book on all the different ways that you creep us out, right now we’ll just focus on the Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes not divorcing thing. Yesterday two US gossip magazines delivered the shock news that Katie Holmes was so sick of Tom Cruise that a divorce was quietly being planned.

However, both Tom and Katie have dismissed the reports as false. So if you catch Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes making out in public and being all gross to overcompensate for these split rumours any time soon, feel free to blame the magazines. There’s probably even a lawsuit in it if they actually make you throw up.

3 comments Read more >>>

Sean Penn Doesn’t Want To Divorce His Wife Any More

by Stuart Heritage

The Sean Penn/ Robin Wright Penn divorce was the one divorce that everyone was looking forward to, but now the bastards have spoilt it.

How? By flipping well falling back in love again, that’s how. Although they filed for divorce in December, Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn have now decided to call the divorce off so that they can sit around kissing and holding hands for the indefinite future.

We feel sick – this isn’t how Hollywood marriages are supposed to go at all. Where’s the infidelity, the bitterness, the petty public games of one-upmanship? Where, damn it, is the embarrassing sexual encounter with the seven-foot transsexual hooker? Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn, your happiness infuriates us.

1 comment Read more >>>

Robin Williams’ Wife And Her Giant Mole Are Leaving Him

by Shawn Lindseth

It took 19 years, but Mindy finally threw in the towel. Maybe it was because she got tired of Mork sleeping in a giant egg every night, or maybe it’s because Mork finally grew in to a senior citizen baby and Mindy got tired of having to stoop to kiss him at the door. Whatever the reason, Mindy’s hoofin’ it.

That’s who Robin Williams is married to, right? No? Well whoever he married, she done quit him. The divorce papers filed said something about sleeping with a Brillo pad, and the term ‘more hair than a bearded woolly mammoth’ got thrown around like twice. Other than that not many details are available.

We’d like to take the time to stress what few details we’ve given you so far are completely true. Almost both of them are completely true. Perhaps.

3 comments Read more >>>

Heather Mills: The Weird Finger Throat-Slash Court Threat

by Stuart Heritage

We’d have loved to be a fly on the wall at the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce ruling – and not just so we could puke on everyone’s food and make them ill.

No, in short we’d like to have been a fly on the wall at the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce ruling because it sounds like Heather Mills went properly berserk.

Although it’s common knowledge that Heather Mills tipped a bunch of water over Paul McCartney’s lawyer’s head in court, it’s now been claimed that Heather Mills also started slashing her fingers across her throat at Fiona Shackleton in court. And, as all schoolchildren know, that’s literally the worst threat you can give. Fiona Shackleton is lucky that Heather Mills didn’t mean business, or she’s be fishing her pencil case from on top of the woodwork block by now.

1 comment Read more >>>

Heather Mills Gets To Judge Beauty Contests

by Stuart Heritage

Heather Mills looks for three things in a man – 1) considerable age, 2) incredible wealth and 3) a haircut so bad that it makes children cry.

With this in mind, you’d expect that Donald Trump would be locked away in his panic room at the moment until the threat subsides, but that’s not how Donald Trump rolls at all.

Donald Trump believes in looking fear in the eye, which is why – rather than hiding from Heather Mills, he’s invited her to become a judge in his Miss USA pageant. Miss USA, of course, is the beauty pageant that keeps getting brought into disrepute thanks to all those naked pictures from the contestants’ past. That’s got nothing to do with Heather Mills. We just happened to mention it. Ahem.

1 comment Read more >>>

← Previous Entries

Next Entries →