Articles tagged with: celebrity divorces
The divorce between Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook has finally come to an end - and best of all, everyone's won! According to reports, lawyers for both Christie Brinkley were thrashing out a divorce settlement until 6:15 this morning, and everyone's got what they wanted. On the surface of things, Christie Brinkley has come out on top - she's keeping sole custody of her kids. You'd think that Peter Cook would be disappointed to discover that he's never going to be able to spend any quality time with his own children for the rest of his life, but that's not the case either - Christie Brinkley has to pay him $2.1 million. That's enough money to keep him in porn for 58.3 years! And, as we all know, porn wins over kids every time.
If Madonna has broken up any marriages in the past, it'd probably be because her cameo appearance in Will & Grace was so terrible that it literally drove couples apart. However, Madonna is adamant that she definitely didn't break up the marriage of New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez and his wife Cynthia. In her divorce papers, Cynthia is claiming that Alex and Madonna's 'affair of the heart' was the event that pushed their marriage beyond repair. But Madonna has point blank denied that she had an affair of the heart with Alex Rodriguez. And we agree with Madonna. After all, an affair of the heart would suggest some sort of emotional involvement and, having seen Swept Away, we know only too well that Madonna isn't that great at emotions. Now, if they'd claimed an affair of the fanny it'd be a different story entirely.
If you were the judge in the Christie Brinkley divorce, who would you give custody of the children to? You've got two choices - there's Christie Brinkley, the former supermodel who looks like she spends her weekends baking cooking and making fresh lemonade; and then there's Peter Cook, a man who pays thousands of dollars each month to waggle his pee-pee around on the internet. You'd probably wait for professional psychiatric advice before making a decision, wouldn't you? Well, fear not - a psychiatrist has taken the stand at the Christie Brinkley divorce, and he's called Peter Cook an 'insatiable narcissist'. Peter Cook would have denied this claim, but he was too busy tenderly licking his own reflection in a mirror to pay attention to anything that was being said at the time.
Life can get pretty tiring when you're mercilessly exposing your estranged husband's wildly expensive internet pornography habit in public - just ask Christie Brinkley.
But how does Christie Brinkley like to relax in the few moments where she's not systematically kicking the father of her child in the balls again and again until his reputation is shattered forever? Simple - by hanging out with Billy Joel.
Christie Brinkley spent her Independence Day at a barbecue with ex-husband Billy Joel. While those close to Brinkley are busy pointing out that there's nothing romantic going on, Billy Joel must surely know that Christie Brinkley's heightened vulnerability means that she'll leap into his arms again as soon as he plays her the new song he's written about her, the doo-wop influenced My Monthly Internet Pornography Bill Is Marginally Smaller Than His.
Marriages come to an end for all sorts of reasons, but one of the biggest is suspecting that your husband's been brainwashed into having sex with a gap-toothed 50-year-old.
And that appears to be the thing that's brought an end to the marriage between Alex Rodriguez and his wife Cynthia. She's just filed for divorce from Alex following claims that he's been involved in a bunch of secret extramarital Kabbalah nooky sessions with Madonna.
Madonna denies any romantic involvement with Alex Rodriguez, but it seems like Cynthia isn't taking the bait. She'll win her man back, that's for sure - she just needs to become the sort of woman that A-Rod likes these days first. Just watch him come running back once she's botoxed her face into total paralysis and had several metres of grotesque artificial vein surgically implanted under the skin of her arms!
It's always the bloody same with women - they look at you, talk to you and move in certain ways, and before you know it you're under their spell. In a figurative way, of course. And actually, come to think of it, we can't remember the last time a girl even looked at us, never mind talked to or moved in certain ways at us. We digress...
But Madonna isn't happy with just getting a man under her proverbial spell, oh no - she is literally controlling the mind of Alex Rodriguez, the man she is allegedly getting it on with. Well, according to Rodriguez's estranged wife, Cynthia, that's what Madge is doing. Wait - what?
Hey, you think it's bad that Christie Brinkley's marriage ended because her husband started plonking his man-sausage into a teenage girl he met in a toyshop?
Well, you don't even know the half of it. During the first day of the gloriously public Christie Brinkley/ Peter Cook divorce trial yesterday, it was claimed that Cook spends around $3,000 a month on porn websites. What an idiot - why doesn't he just illegally download his pornography for free like the rest of us do?
Now, we're no mathematicians, but even if Peter Cook found the time to solidly jerk himself into a frenzy three times a day to internet pornography, that still equates to about $33 per ejaculation. $33! For that money he could buy a fresh pair of ladies shoes each time and wank into those instead. That's what most men would rather do, right? Right?
Just us?
Christie Brinkley has got divorced so many times that you'd expect her to see them through with the grim dead-eyed precision of an abattoir worker taking out livestock.
Shows what we know, huh? In fact, Christie Brinkley has turned up at the courthouse on the first day of her divorce trial looking so weepy and emotionally frazzled that we were half expecting her to literally tear her own heart out of her chest as a graphic demonstration of what her cheating husband did to her.
Christie Brinkley was so upset, she says, because she really didn't want her divorce to reach a courtroom. We can see her point - it must be galling to have to go through a painful experience like a divorce in public. Especially when, like Christie Brinkley, you're the one who doggedly stipulated that the trial had to be conducted in public in the first place. We're welling up just thinking about it.
