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celebrity divorces

A-Rod Divorce Now Includes Lots Of Stuff About Spies

by Stuart Heritage

Megastars, religion, brainwashing, oddly-placed swearwords – what else could Alex Rodriguez’s divorce possibly be missing?

Oh yeah, that’s right – marital espionage. Luckily Alex Rodriguez’s soon-to-be ex-wife Cynthia has cottoned onto this and decided to accuse Alex of having her followed and tapping her phone.

If it’s true and Alex Rodriguez has been spying on Cynthia’s movements, it’s a pretty low thing to do. Imagine if Cynthia secretly bugged Alex – he wouldn’t like it very much, would he? Of course, it’d be easy for him to tell – if Cynthia was eavesdropping all the conversations between A-Rod and Madonna, then she’d have ended up being brainwashed into joining a spurious-looking religion as well. Foolproof.

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Madonna Still Not Admitting Defeat About Her Hopeless Marriage

by Stuart Heritage

Ask anyone – anyone – to tell you a fact about Madonna and they’ll either mention her grotty fanny or her divorce.

OK, maybe not anyone. Ask Madonna and, while it’s entirely possibly that she’ll wheel out a hilarious anecdote about her own vagina, there’s no way on Earth that she’ll bring up her divorce.

That’s because, despite relentless gossip to the contrary, Madonna is still maintaining that she’s not going to divorce Guy Ritchie. And that’s fact. Madonna’s brother, who hasn’t really seen Madonna that much in almost a decade, said so. And facts don’t get any more factier than that.

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A-Rod: “Madonna’s My Effing Soulmate”

by Stuart Heritage

Face it, this interminable soap opera between Alex Rodriguez, Madonna and their respective spouses isn’t going to end any time soon.

Yesterday you might have thought that it was winding up, thanks to Madonna’s firm denial of an ‘affair of the heart’ with Alex Rodriguez, but it’s all been blown wide apart again. Alex Rodriguez, you see, has confessed his love for Madonna and called her his ‘fucking soulmate’.

OK, admittedly Alex Rodriguez did this months ago, but it’s only just come to light. And you know what this means, don’t you? It means that this is never going to end. Ever. Whatever you do for the rest of your natural life, you’ll be getting it in the ear about Madonna and Alex Rodriguez. We can’t help feeling that this is some form of sick cosmic punishment for a crime we don’t remember – but we’re sorry. Just make it stop.

Face it, this interminable soap opera between Alex Rodriguez, Madonna and their respective spouses isn't going to end any time soon. Yesterday you might have thought that it was winding up, thanks to Madonna's firm denial of an 'affair of the heart' with Alex Rodriguez, but it's all been blown wide apart again. Alex Rodriguez, you see, has confessed his love for Madonna and called her his 'fucking soulmate'. OK, admittedly Alex Rodriguez did this months ago, but it's only just come to light. And you know what this means, don't you? It means that this is never going to end. Ever. Whatever you do for the rest of your natural life, you'll be getting it in the ear about Madonna and Alex Rodriguez. We can't help feeling that this is some form of sick cosmic punishment for a crime we don't remember - but we're sorry. Just make it stop.
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Christie Brinkley Divorce: The War Is Sort Of Over

by Stuart Heritage

The divorce between Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook has finally come to an end – and best of all, everyone’s won!

According to reports, lawyers for both Christie Brinkley were thrashing out a divorce settlement until 6:15 this morning, and everyone’s got what they wanted. On the surface of things, Christie Brinkley has come out on top – she’s keeping sole custody of her kids.

You’d think that Peter Cook would be disappointed to discover that he’s never going to be able to spend any quality time with his own children for the rest of his life, but that’s not the case either – Christie Brinkley has to pay him $2.1 million. That’s enough money to keep him in porn for 58.3 years! And, as we all know, porn wins over kids every time.

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Madonna Narked Off About This A-Rod Affair Talk

by Stuart Heritage

If Madonna has broken up any marriages in the past, it’d probably be because her cameo appearance in Will & Grace was so terrible that it literally drove couples apart.

However, Madonna is adamant that she definitely didn’t break up the marriage of New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez and his wife Cynthia. In her divorce papers, Cynthia is claiming that Alex and Madonna’s ‘affair of the heart’ was the event that pushed their marriage beyond repair.

But Madonna has point blank denied that she had an affair of the heart with Alex Rodriguez. And we agree with Madonna. After all, an affair of the heart would suggest some sort of emotional involvement and, having seen Swept Away, we know only too well that Madonna isn’t that great at emotions. Now, if they’d claimed an affair of the fanny it’d be a different story entirely.

If Madonna has broken up any marriages in the past, it'd probably be because her cameo appearance in Will & Grace was so terrible that it literally drove couples apart. However, Madonna is adamant that she definitely didn't break up the marriage of New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez and his wife Cynthia. In her divorce papers, Cynthia is claiming that Alex and Madonna's 'affair of the heart' was the event that pushed their marriage beyond repair. But Madonna has point blank denied that she had an affair of the heart with Alex Rodriguez. And we agree with Madonna. After all, an affair of the heart would suggest some sort of emotional involvement and, having seen Swept Away, we know only too well that Madonna isn't that great at emotions. Now, if they'd claimed an affair of the fanny it'd be a different story entirely.
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Christie Brinkley Divorce: Shrink Says Cook’s Brain Is All Weird

by Stuart Heritage

If you were the judge in the Christie Brinkley divorce, who would you give custody of the children to?

You’ve got two choices – there’s Christie Brinkley, the former supermodel who looks like she spends her weekends baking cooking and making fresh lemonade; and then there’s Peter Cook, a man who pays thousands of dollars each month to waggle his pee-pee around on the internet.

You’d probably wait for professional psychiatric advice before making a decision, wouldn’t you? Well, fear not – a psychiatrist has taken the stand at the Christie Brinkley divorce, and he’s called Peter Cook an ‘insatiable narcissist’. Peter Cook would have denied this claim, but he was too busy tenderly licking his own reflection in a mirror to pay attention to anything that was being said at the time.

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Christie Brinkley Eats Billy Joel’s Ribs Or Something

by Stuart Heritage

Life can get pretty tiring when you’re mercilessly exposing your estranged husband’s wildly expensive internet pornography habit in public – just ask Christie Brinkley.

But how does Christie Brinkley like to relax in the few moments where she’s not systematically kicking the father of her child in the balls again and again until his reputation is shattered forever? Simple – by hanging out with Billy Joel.

Christie Brinkley spent her Independence Day at a barbecue with ex-husband Billy Joel. While those close to Brinkley are busy pointing out that there’s nothing romantic going on, Billy Joel must surely know that Christie Brinkley’s heightened vulnerability means that she’ll leap into his arms again as soon as he plays her the new song he’s written about her, the doo-wop influenced My Monthly Internet Pornography Bill Is Marginally Smaller Than His.

Life can get pretty tiring when you're mercilessly exposing your estranged husband's wildly expensive internet pornography habit in public - just ask Christie Brinkley. But how does Christie Brinkley like to relax in the few moments where she's not systematically kicking the father of her child in the balls again and again until his reputation is shattered forever? Simple - by hanging out with Billy Joel. Christie Brinkley spent her Independence Day at a barbecue with ex-husband Billy Joel. While those close to Brinkley are busy pointing out that there's nothing romantic going on, Billy Joel must surely know that Christie Brinkley's heightened vulnerability means that she'll leap into his arms again as soon as he plays her the new song he's written about her, the doo-wop influenced My Monthly Internet Pornography Bill Is Marginally Smaller Than His.
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A-Rod’s Wife Gets All Divorcey, Sort Of Blames Madonna

by Stuart Heritage

Marriages come to an end for all sorts of reasons, but one of the biggest is suspecting that your husband’s been brainwashed into having sex with a gap-toothed 50-year-old.

And that appears to be the thing that’s brought an end to the marriage between Alex Rodriguez and his wife Cynthia. She’s just filed for divorce from Alex following claims that he’s been involved in a bunch of secret extramarital Kabbalah nooky sessions with Madonna.

Madonna denies any romantic involvement with Alex Rodriguez, but it seems like Cynthia isn’t taking the bait. She’ll win her man back, that’s for sure – she just needs to become the sort of woman that A-Rod likes these days first. Just watch him come running back once she’s botoxed her face into total paralysis and had several metres of grotesque artificial vein surgically implanted under the skin of her arms!

Marriages come to an end for all sorts of reasons, but one of the biggest is suspecting that your husband's been brainwashed into having sex with a gap-toothed 50-year-old. And that appears to be the thing that's brought an end to the marriage between Alex Rodriguez and his wife Cynthia. She's just filed for divorce from Alex following claims that he's been involved in a bunch of secret extramarital Kabbalah nooky sessions with Madonna. Madonna denies any romantic involvement with Alex Rodriguez, but it seems like Cynthia isn't taking the bait. She'll win her man back, that's for sure - she just needs to become the sort of woman that A-Rod likes these days first. Just watch him come running back once she's botoxed her face into total paralysis and had several metres of grotesque artificial vein surgically implanted under the skin of her arms!
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Madonna Becomes Sci-Fi Villain, Employs Mind Control

by Ian Dransfield

It's always the bloody same with women – they look at you, talk to you and move in certain ways, and before you know it you're under their spell. In a figurative way, of course. And actually, come to think of it, we can't remember the last time a girl even looked at us, never [...]

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Christie Brinkley Divorce: Porn! Porn Porn Porn! PORN!

by Stuart Heritage

Hey, you think it’s bad that Christie Brinkley’s marriage ended because her husband started plonking his man-sausage into a teenage girl he met in a toyshop?

Well, you don’t even know the half of it. During the first day of the gloriously public Christie Brinkley/ Peter Cook divorce trial yesterday, it was claimed that Cook spends around $3,000 a month on porn websites. What an idiot – why doesn’t he just illegally download his pornography for free like the rest of us do?

Now, we’re no mathematicians, but even if Peter Cook found the time to solidly jerk himself into a frenzy three times a day to internet pornography, that still equates to about $33 per ejaculation. $33! For that money he could buy a fresh pair of ladies shoes each time and wank into them instead. That’s what most men would rather do, right? Right?

Just us?

Hey, you think it's bad that Christie Brinkley's marriage ended because her husband started plonking his man-sausage into a teenage girl he met in a toyshop? Well, you don't even know the half of it. During the first day of the gloriously public Christie Brinkley/ Peter Cook divorce trial yesterday, it was claimed that Cook spends around $3,000 a month on porn websites. What an idiot - why doesn't he just illegally download his pornography for free like the rest of us do? Now, we're no mathematicians, but even if Peter Cook found the time to solidly jerk himself into a frenzy three times a day to internet pornography, that still equates to about $33 per ejaculation. $33! For that money he could buy a fresh pair of ladies shoes each time and wank into them instead. That's what most men would rather do, right? Right? Just us?
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