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celebrity divorces

Ivana Trump’s Ridiculous Marriage Inevitably Implodes

by Stuart Heritage

You might think that Ivana Trump enjoys May to December romances, but Ivana would regard that as a hideous insult.

May To December? How perfectly offensive! Everyone knows that Ivana Trump only ever falls in love for the long term. And by that we mean April to December romances. April to December romances that must end exactly on the stroke of the first of December.

Which is to say that Ivana Trump has split up with her half-as-young-as-she-is husband after just seven months of marriage. You may react to this news however you like. We suggest shrugging.

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STOP PRESS: Madonna Expresses Recognisable Human Emotion

by Stuart Heritage

For a woman who got divorced a few days ago, Madonna has been doing a remarkable job of gritting her teeth and ploughing on.

That’s not particularly surprising – years ago Madonna had her brain removed to make space for more bicep and her tear ducts were cemented up because she didn’t weep holy Kabbalah water – so we’ve come to expect steely, robotic reactions to everything from her. However, Madonna has now finally decided to accept her divorce and mention it in public for the very first time.

Speaking to the Associated Press, Madonna has said how sad she is about the divorce, and how grateful she is that her heavy workload can distract her from it. Wow, sadness and gratitude? We’ve seen Swept Away and Body Of Evidence – that’s literally about six more human emotions than we thought Madonna was capable of.

For a woman who got divorced a few days ago, Madonna has been doing a remarkable job of gritting her teeth and ploughing on. That's not particularly surprising - years ago Madonna had her brain removed to make space for more bicep and her tear ducts were cemented up because she didn't weep holy Kabbalah water - so we've come to expect steely, robotic reactions to everything from her. However, Madonna has now finally decided to accept her divorce and mention it in public for the very first time. Speaking to the Associated Press, Madonna has said how sad she is about the divorce, and how grateful she is that her heavy workload can distract her from it. Wow, sadness and gratitude? We've seen Swept Away and Body Of Evidence - that's literally about six more human emotions than we thought Madonna was capable of.
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Madonna Divorces Guy Ritchie, Only Guy Ritchie Seems To Notice

by Stuart Heritage

Ladies, form an orderly queue – Guy Ritchie is now a single man. And, come to think of it, Madonna is also now a single man too.

Just a few hours ago, Madonna and Guy Ritchie formally finalised their divorce once and for all, putting an end to almost eight years of happy marriage, unhappy marriage, rumoured affairs and possibly the most offensively inaccurate adopted British accent in the history of time itself.

While Madonna apparently reacted to news of her divorce by sticking her middle fingers up at her audience during a concert, Guy Ritchie is said to have merely sighed “Thank God.” But that’s not important now – the important thing is that Madonna won’t be involved in any of Guy Ritchie’s films any more, which should elevate them to ‘merely unwatchable’ from their previous status as ‘flesh-clawing suicide-inducers’.

Ladies, form an orderly queue - Guy Ritchie is now a single man. And, come to think of it, Madonna is also now a single man too. Just a few hours ago, Madonna and Guy Ritchie formally finalised their divorce once and for all, putting an end to almost eight years of happy marriage, unhappy marriage, rumoured affairs and possibly the most offensively inaccurate adopted British accent in the history of time itself. While Madonna apparently reacted to news of her divorce by sticking her middle fingers up at her audience during a concert, Guy Ritchie is said to have merely sighed "Thank God." But that's not important now - the important thing is that Madonna won't be involved in any of Guy Ritchie's films any more, which should elevate them to 'merely unwatchable' from their previous status as 'flesh-clawing suicide-inducers'.
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Madonna/ Ritchie Divorce: The Gristley Nightmare Ends Tomorrow

by Stuart Heritage

It’s always sad when love ends, except for when it’s love between a potato-man and an old lady mostly comprised of cartilage. Then it’s quite funny.

Which is to say that the divorce between Madonna and Guy Ritchie has been nothing but solid non-stop hilarity from start to finish. So laugh it up while you can, because it looks as though the divorce between Madonna and Guy Ritchie is going to be finalised at the High Court tomorrow.

The news comes after the revelation that Madonna and Guy Ritchie have quietly worked out a settlement. That’s likely to be kept a secret, but we assume there’ll be a fair split in terms of custody and ownership of property, and Madonna will get to keep the leotards. No! Guy Ritchie will keep the leotards! No! Madonna! No! Guy! No! Oh, we don’t know which outcome would make us feel queasier.

It's always sad when love ends, except for when it's love between a potato-man and an old lady mostly comprised of cartilage. Then it's quite funny. Which is to say that the divorce between Madonna and Guy Ritchie has been nothing but solid non-stop hilarity from start to finish. So laugh it up while you can, because it looks as though the divorce between Madonna and Guy Ritchie is going to be finalised at the High Court tomorrow. The news comes after the revelation that Madonna and Guy Ritchie have quietly worked out a settlement. That's likely to be kept a secret, but we assume there'll be a fair split in terms of custody and ownership of property, and Madonna will get to keep the leotards. No! Guy Ritchie will keep the leotards! No! Madonna! No! Guy! No! Oh, we don't know which outcome would make us feel queasier.
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Madonna Divorce: Is It Guy Ritchie Actress-Banging Time? Already?

by Stuart Heritage

The divorce between Madonna and Guy Ritchie must be profoundly upsetting for both of them, causing no end of misery and introspection and…

What’s that? Guy Ritchie might be having it off with an actress he hired to star in his new Sherlock Holmes movie? Well that didn’t take long. According to reports, Guy Ritchie and actress Kelly Reilly have been shacked up in the same hotel since October 18 – just three days after Madonna and Guy announced their divorce.

Not much is known about Kelly Reilly at the moment, but since she’s a) a redhead, b) British, c) an actress and d) young, it’s fair to assume that she’s everything Madonna will never be. In fact, reports claim that Kelly Reilly is almost 20 years younger than Madonna. If that’s the case – great work, Guy Ritchie! Kelly Reilly looks quite good for a 68-year-old!

The divorce between Madonna and Guy Ritchie must be profoundly upsetting for both of them, causing no end of misery and introspection and... What's that? Guy Ritchie might be having it off with an actress he hired to star in his new Sherlock Holmes movie? Well that didn't take long. According to reports, Guy Ritchie and actress Kelly Reilly have been shacked up in the same hotel since October 18 - just three days after Madonna and Guy announced their divorce. Not much is known about Kelly Reilly at the moment, but since she's a) a redhead, b) British, c) an actress and d) young, it's fair to assume that she's everything Madonna will never be. In fact, reports claim that Kelly Reilly is almost 20 years younger than Madonna. If that's the case - great work, Guy Ritchie! Kelly Reilly looks quite good for a 68-year-old!
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Gwyneth Paltrow Stands Side By Scrawny Side With Madonna

by Stuart Heritage

As normally-functioning human beings, you’ve probably already picked a side in the impending Madonna/ Guy Ritchie divorce.

And we’re sure it was a hard decision to make – not least because given the choice of siding with an obnoxiously laddy potato-faced oaf like Guy Ritchie or his screechy, uncomfortably religious elderly man of an estranged wife, most normal people would just take the easy route out and throw themselves under a train.

But that’s not a problem that Gwyneth Paltrow has had to face – she’s stepped up to the plate and declared that she’s firmly on Madonna’s side when it comes to the divorce. This, we suspect, is partly because of the great friendship shared by Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow, and partly because she’s scared of Madonna chokeslamming her through a brick wall. She could, you know. Look at those arms.

As normally-functioning human beings, you've probably already picked a side in the impending Madonna/ Guy Ritchie divorce. And we're sure it was a hard decision to make - not least because given the choice of siding with an obnoxiously laddy potato-faced oaf like Guy Ritchie or his screechy, uncomfortably religious elderly man of an estranged wife, most normal people would just take the easy route out and throw themselves under a train. But that's not a problem that Gwyneth Paltrow has had to face - she's stepped up to the plate and declared that she's firmly on Madonna's side when it comes to the divorce. This, we suspect, is partly because of the great friendship shared by Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow, and partly because she's scared of Madonna chokeslamming her through a brick wall. She could, you know. Look at those arms.
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Guy Ritchie Compares Madonna To Gristle, The Cockney Charmer

by Stuart Heritage

It’s good to see, even though it’s happening in public and millions are at stake, that the Madonna/ Guy Ritchie divorce isn’t getting nasty.

For example, Madonna has recently vowed to remain in the UK despite the divorce, claiming that “there are lots of things about England that I love, but my husband isn’t one of them,” while Guy Ritchie has compared having sex with Madonna to “cuddling up to a piece of gristle.”

No, listen, that isn’t divorce nastiness, that’s basic fact. They’re both right – Guy Ritchie really is a deeply unloveable human being and having sex with Madonna really is like cuddling gristle. Having said that, Guy Ritchie does lose some points for accuracy. If only he’d been completely honest and said “a really old piece of gristle with bizarre religious beliefs and a leotard that shows its fanny off inappropriately all the time.”

It's good to see, even though it's happening in public and millions are at stake, that the Madonna/ Guy Ritchie divorce isn't getting nasty. For example, Madonna has recently vowed to remain in the UK despite the divorce, claiming that "there are lots of things about England that I love, but my husband isn't one of them," while Guy Ritchie has compared having sex with Madonna to "cuddling up to a piece of gristle." No, listen, that isn't divorce nastiness, that's basic fact. They're both right - Guy Ritchie really is a deeply unloveable human being and having sex with Madonna really is like cuddling gristle. Having said that, Guy Ritchie does lose some points for accuracy. If only he'd been completely honest and said "a really old piece of gristle with bizarre religious beliefs and a leotard that shows its fanny off inappropriately all the time."
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Madonna Divorce: Giant Lawyer-Monsters Hired

by Stuart Heritage

So, to recap – Madonna and Guy Ritchie are getting divorced, and they’ll be divorced by Christmas and everyone will be happy forever.

All true. Apart from the bits about the divorce being over by Christmas and people experiencing any sensation other than bitterly violent hatred. Because, for all the talk of a brief and amicable divorce settlement process, both Madonna and Guy Ritchie have hired some kickass divorce lawyers.

Madonna has hired Fiona Shackleton, the divorce lawyer who stopped Heather Mills from getting the huge settlement she wanted when she divorced Paul McCartney; with Guy Ritchie plumping for Lady Helen Ward, the woman responsible for securing Britain’s largest-ever divorce payout for one of her clients. What does this mean? It means that the Madonna/ Guy Ritchie divorce is going to go on for so long that we’ll all feel like killing ourselves soon. But you probably knew that already.

So, to recap - Madonna and Guy Ritchie are getting divorced, and they'll be divorced by Christmas and everyone will be happy forever. All true. Apart from the bits about the divorce being over by Christmas and people experiencing any sensation other than bitterly violent hatred. Because, for all the talk of a brief and amicable divorce settlement process, both Madonna and Guy Ritchie have hired some kickass divorce lawyers. Madonna has hired Fiona Shackleton, the divorce lawyer who stopped Heather Mills from getting the huge settlement she wanted when she divorced Paul McCartney; with Guy Ritchie plumping for Lady Helen Ward, the woman responsible for securing Britain's largest-ever divorce payout for one of her clients. What does this mean? It means that the Madonna/ Guy Ritchie divorce is going to go on for so long that we'll all feel like killing ourselves soon. But you probably knew that already.
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Madonna/Guy Ritchie Divorce: And There’s Your Confirmation

by Stuart Heritage

Well that wasn’t long – just hours after Madonna and Guy Ritchie were thought to be divorcing, Madonna and Guy Ritchie are divorcing.

Madonna’s spokeswoman Liz Rosenberg has just issued the statement we’ve all been waiting for – the one that says Madonna and Guy Ritchie were living a hate-filled lie and that their Christmas present to one another this year will be that they both get to legally have sex with other people because, yes, they’re getting divorced.

Notice, though, that the divorce statement came from Madonna’s spokeswoman as opposed to a joint statement from Guy Ritchie and Madonna together. Wow. We’re starting to get the feeling that those two might not actually get along.

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Madonna & Guy Ritchie: Divorced By Christmas

by Stuart Heritage

Everyone loves photos of Madonna and Guy Ritchie clutching each other’s hands in a grimly unconvincing demonstration of love, don’t they.

So make the most of them while you can, because you might not see any more of them. According to reports, Madonna and Guy Ritchie now hate each other so much that they only communicate through staff, and they’re both keen on getting a divorce finalised by Christmas.

This really is a win-win – if they’re not getting divorced, we get to look at more photos of Guy Ritchie and Madonna in public trying to pretend that they like one another. And if they are getting divorced? Well, that means the rest of us have a shot at the gnarly-clawed single mother and the potato-faced idiot that have just come onto the market. Everyone’s happy.

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