Christina Aguilera is to blame for the breakdown of her marriage to music producer Jordan Bratman. Obviously. She was the one out of the two who had a vagina. Which, of course, makes just about everything negative or scandalous within that relationship her fault.
Well, that’s not particularly our assertion. However, it does seem to be the standpoint of most of the people reporting on the divorce of the 29-year-old mother-of-one.
Just over a week ago, Aguilera filed for a divorce from her husband-of-five-years. She cited irreconcilable differences in the divorce papers, rather than scribbling ‘I’m a harlot’ in scarlet lipstick. Despite the fact that two grown people, not attached at the hip, are free to walk away from a broken relationship should they so choose, Christina is being accused of some rather nefarious actions. Because she’s the bad guy. The bad guy with the vagina.
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There’s nothing like a bitter celebrity divorce, which is good because this is nothing like a bitter celebrity divorce.
Now don’t get us wrong, this is certainly bitter. The problem is that it’s the divorce of Kelly Rutherford from Gossip Girl, and if she was any less famous then she’d be, well, you.
However, since Kelly Rutherford’s divorce contains pregnancy, accusations of assault, laptop-throwing, violent temper tantrums and a child that appears to be unironically named after a brand of handbag, we’re willing to let the non-fame pass. But only this once, you hear? We’re not a bloody charity, Kelly.
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There's nothing like a bitter celebrity divorce, which is good because this is nothing like a bitter celebrity divorce.
Now don't get us wrong, this is certainly bitter. The problem is that it's the divorce of Kelly Rutherford from Gossip Girl, and if she was any less famous then she'd be, well, you.
However, since Kelly Rutherford's divorce contains pregnancy, accusations of assault, laptop-throwing, violent temper tantrums and a child that appears to be unironically named after a brand of handbag, we're willing to let the non-fame pass. But only this once, you hear? We're not a bloody charity, Kelly.
Yesterday was a beautiful, moving, historic day – Jennifer Lopez totally sang a duet with Marc Anthony! Squeee!
You know what that means? That Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony care about Barack Obama enough to perform in Washington on the night of his inauguration? No way! It means that Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are deliberately showing the world a sincere display of their love for one another to fight claims that they’ll get divorced on Valentine’s day.
So, OK, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony won’t get divorced on Valentine’s day. May bank holiday it is, then. Set your watches, kids.
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A good marriage is like a delicate recipe – if you pour in too much salt you’re gonna eff up all your pastries. And you know what happens then?
The only person who’ll eat ‘em is that one crazy uncle that lost most of his tongue to a series of mouth cancers. If your experience is anything like ours, that’s one uncle you don’t want to invite over too much. He tries to float the conversation when really there’s only one thing we want to talk about – the portion of jagged lip that sticks out from under his moustache.
Back to marriage though – good ones, even in Hollywood, take work. And that work occasionally involves bopping other men while you’re husband is wasting away deep inside a prison. Say, that sounds just like Amy Winehouse‘s marriage – at least according to the man who’s moving to divorce her.
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There’s a theory going around saying that the more of Jennifer Lopez’s skin you see, the closer she is to a divorce.
It’s true. It’s why everyone is predicting Jennifer Lopez’s imminent divorce from Marc Anthony because she turned up to the Golden Globes on Sunday wearing three scraps of gold lame that left her back naked. Obviously the divorce can’t be confirmed until we’ve seen at least one buttock and partial sideboob, but it’s enough for now.
Plus, you know, Jennifer Lopez wasn’t wearing a wedding ring at the Golden Globes either. That probably helps too, in retrospect.
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It always looked like Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony made beautiful music together – well, OK, maybe not beautiful music.
Alright, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony made horrible music together. And some genuinely terrible films. But at least they looked happy, and that’s what’s important. Except that they’re probably not happy, since they’ve both been seen without their wedding rings lately, sparking rumours of an impending divorce.
Apparently it’s all because Jennifer Lopez thinks Marc Anthony is too controlling – plus Marc is furious about that time he got sucked halfway up J-Lo’s bumhole when she bent over and created a giant vacuum.
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Remember when everyone thought that Madonna had given Guy Ritchie close to $100 million in their divorce settlement because she’s so lovely?
Yeah, she’s not lovely. Madonna is an awful person. And, as a reminder, Madonna has rushed out a statement suggesting that she wouldn’t dream of giving a cloth-eared bellend like Guy Ritchie that much money.
However, both Madonna and Guy Ritchie have said they’re happy with the divorce settlement – Madonna because she can keep her money and Guy Ritchie because he doesn’t have a wife who looks like a pensioner’s scrotum wrapped around a set of antique dentures any more.
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When Guy Ritchie divorced Madonna recently, it definitely wasn’t about the money – definitely, definitely not.
It was about the children. And it was about having the freedom to do whatever he wanted. And it was about going to bed each night with a woman who didn’t feel like a half-chewed steak. But Guy Ritchie definitely didn’t divorce Madonna for the money.
Except now Guy Ritchie’s divorce settlement from Madonna has come through at close to $100 million, including a dirty great mansion and pub. It’s so much money that Guy Ritchie never has to work again. Guy, read that last sentence again. Read it!
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