Articles tagged with: celebrity divorces
Kelly Rutherford’s Divorce Gets Pleasantly Awful
There's nothing like a bitter celebrity divorce, which is good because this is nothing like a bitter celebrity divorce. Now don't get us wrong, this is certainly bitter. The problem is that it's the divorce of Kelly Rutherford from Gossip Girl, and if she was any less famous then she'd be, well, you. However, since Kelly Rutherford's divorce contains pregnancy, accusations of assault, laptop-throwing, violent temper tantrums and a child that appears to be unironically named after a brand of handbag, we're willing to let the non-fame pass. But only this once, you hear? We're not a bloody charity, Kelly.
There's nothing like a bitter celebrity divorce, which is good because this is nothing like a bitter celebrity divorce. Now don't get us wrong, this is certainly bitter. The problem is that it's the divorce of Kelly Rutherford from Gossip Girl, and if she was any less famous then she'd be, well, you. However, since Kelly Rutherford's divorce contains pregnancy, accusations of assault, laptop-throwing, violent temper tantrums and a child that appears to be unironically named after a brand of handbag, we're willing to let the non-fame pass. But only this once, you hear? We're not a bloody charity, Kelly.
Jennifer Lopez Sings Duet With The Husband She’ll Dump Soon
Yesterday was a beautiful, moving, historic day - Jennifer Lopez totally sang a duet with Marc Anthony! Squeee! You know what that means? That Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony care about Barack Obama enough to perform in Washington on the night of his inauguration? No way! It means that Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are deliberately showing the world a sincere display of their love for one another to fight claims that they'll get divorced on Valentine's day. So, OK, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony won't get divorced on Valentine's day. May bank holiday it is, then. Set your watches, kids.
Yesterday was a beautiful, moving, historic day - Jennifer Lopez totally sang a duet with Marc Anthony! Squeee! You know what that means? That Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony care about Barack Obama enough to perform in Washington on the night of his inauguration? No way! It means that Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are deliberately showing the world a sincere display of their love for one another to fight claims that they'll get divorced on Valentine's day. So, OK, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony won't get divorced on Valentine's day. May bank holiday it is, then. Set your watches, kids.
Blake Wants To Divorce Amy Winehouse, Who Is Allegedly Making Sweet Love Elsewhere
A good marriage is like a delicate recipe - if you pour in too much salt you're gonna eff up all your pastries. And you know what happens then? The only person who'll eat 'em is that one crazy uncle that lost most of his tongue to a series of mouth cancers. If your experience is anything like ours, that's one uncle you don't want to invite over too much. He tries to float the conversation when really there's only one thing we want to talk about - the portion of jagged lip that sticks out from under his moustache. Back to marriage though - good ones, even in Hollywood, take work. And that work occasionally involves bopping other men while you're husband is wasting away deep inside a prison. Say, that sounds just like Amy Winehouse's marriage - at least according to the man who's moving to divorce her.
A good marriage is like a delicate recipe - if you pour in too much salt you're gonna eff up all your pastries. And you know what happens then? The only person who'll eat 'em is that one crazy uncle that lost most of his tongue to a series of mouth cancers. If your experience is anything like ours, that's one uncle you don't want to invite over too much. He tries to float the conversation when really there's only one thing we want to talk about - the portion of jagged lip that sticks out from under his moustache. Back to marriage though - good ones, even in Hollywood, take work. And that work occasionally involves bopping other men while you're husband is wasting away deep inside a prison. Say, that sounds just like Amy Winehouse's marriage - at least according to the man who's moving to divorce her.
Jennifer Lopez’s Nude Back Means She’s Totally Getting Divorced
There's a theory going around saying that the more of Jennifer Lopez's skin you see, the closer she is to a divorce. It's true. It's why everyone is predicting Jennifer Lopez's imminent divorce from Marc Anthony because she turned up to the Golden Globes on Sunday wearing three scraps of gold lame that left her back naked. Obviously the divorce can't be confirmed until we've seen at least one buttock and partial sideboob, but it's enough for now. Plus, you know, Jennifer Lopez wasn't wearing a wedding ring at the Golden Globes either. That probably helps too, in retrospect.
There's a theory going around saying that the more of Jennifer Lopez's skin you see, the closer she is to a divorce. It's true. It's why everyone is predicting Jennifer Lopez's imminent divorce from Marc Anthony because she turned up to the Golden Globes on Sunday wearing three scraps of gold lame that left her back naked. Obviously the divorce can't be confirmed until we've seen at least one buttock and partial sideboob, but it's enough for now. Plus, you know, Jennifer Lopez wasn't wearing a wedding ring at the Golden Globes either. That probably helps too, in retrospect.
Is Jennifer Lopez Headed For Her Trillionth Divorce?
It always looked like Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony made beautiful music together - well, OK, maybe not beautiful music. Alright, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony made horrible music together. And some genuinely terrible films. But at least they looked happy, and that's what's important. Except that they're probably not happy, since they've both been seen without their wedding rings lately, sparking rumours of an impending divorce. Apparently it's all because Jennifer Lopez thinks Marc Anthony is too controlling - plus Marc is furious about that time he got sucked halfway up J-Lo's bumhole when she bent over and created a giant vacuum.
It always looked like Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony made beautiful music together - well, OK, maybe not beautiful music. Alright, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony made horrible music together. And some genuinely terrible films. But at least they looked happy, and that's what's important. Except that they're probably not happy, since they've both been seen without their wedding rings lately, sparking rumours of an impending divorce. Apparently it's all because Jennifer Lopez thinks Marc Anthony is too controlling - plus Marc is furious about that time he got sucked halfway up J-Lo's bumhole when she bent over and created a giant vacuum.
Madonna Divorce Settlement: Considerably Stingier Than Assumed
Remember when everyone thought that Madonna had given Guy Ritchie close to $100 million in their divorce settlement because she's so lovely? Yeah, she's not lovely. Madonna is an awful person. And, as a reminder, Madonna has rushed out a statement suggesting that she wouldn't dream of giving a cloth-eared bellend like Guy Ritchie that much money. However, both Madonna and Guy Ritchie have said they're happy with the divorce settlement - Madonna because she can keep her money and Guy Ritchie because he doesn't have a wife who looks like a pensioner's scrotum wrapped around a set of antique dentures any more.
Remember when everyone thought that Madonna had given Guy Ritchie close to $100 million in their divorce settlement because she's so lovely? Yeah, she's not lovely. Madonna is an awful person. And, as a reminder, Madonna has rushed out a statement suggesting that she wouldn't dream of giving a cloth-eared bellend like Guy Ritchie that much money. However, both Madonna and Guy Ritchie have said they're happy with the divorce settlement - Madonna because she can keep her money and Guy Ritchie because he doesn't have a wife who looks like a pensioner's scrotum wrapped around a set of antique dentures any more.
Madonna Gives Guy Ritchie A Dirty Great Pile Of Divorce Cash
When Guy Ritchie divorced Madonna recently, it definitely wasn't about the money - definitely, definitely not. It was about the children. And it was about having the freedom to do whatever he wanted. And it was about going to bed each night with a woman who didn't feel like a half-chewed steak. But Guy Ritchie definitely didn't divorce Madonna for the money. Except now Guy Ritchie's divorce settlement from Madonna has come through at close to $100 million, including a dirty great mansion and pub. It's so much money that Guy Ritchie never has to work again. Guy, read that last sentence again. Read it!
When Guy Ritchie divorced Madonna recently, it definitely wasn't about the money - definitely, definitely not. It was about the children. And it was about having the freedom to do whatever he wanted. And it was about going to bed each night with a woman who didn't feel like a half-chewed steak. But Guy Ritchie definitely didn't divorce Madonna for the money. Except now Guy Ritchie's divorce settlement from Madonna has come through at close to $100 million, including a dirty great mansion and pub. It's so much money that Guy Ritchie never has to work again. Guy, read that last sentence again. Read it!
It Sure Is Sad That Kate Walsh Is Divorcing, Whoever She Is
Celebrity divorces don't just happen to celebrities, you know - they also happen to people we've never heard of, like Kate Walsh. Oh, we're just kidding. Of course we know who Kate Walsh is. She's, you know, that woman who recently announced that she's getting divorced from her husband. And she... um... what's that, Wikipedia? Kate Walsh is the star of Grey's Anatomy spin-off Private Practice and the movie Henry: Portrait Of A Serial Killer, Part 2, a movie that actually exists? Oh. Anyway, Kate Walsh has asked everyone to respect her privacy in the wake of her divorce. Somehow, we can't see that being a problem.
Celebrity divorces don't just happen to celebrities, you know - they also happen to people we've never heard of, like Kate Walsh. Oh, we're just kidding. Of course we know who Kate Walsh is. She's, you know, that woman who recently announced that she's getting divorced from her husband. And she... um... what's that, Wikipedia? Kate Walsh is the star of Grey's Anatomy spin-off Private Practice and the movie Henry: Portrait Of A Serial Killer, Part 2, a movie that actually exists? Oh. Anyway, Kate Walsh has asked everyone to respect her privacy in the wake of her divorce. Somehow, we can't see that being a problem.
