Wait a minute, everyone celebrates with what? That isn’t in the script – All My Sons ends with the patriarch killing himself to end his unbearable guilt and then everyone unites in a tableau of profound grief. Where’s all this bloody cake come from?

Oh, Tom Cruise. We should have known. Yesterday was Katie Holmes‘ 30th birthday, so Tom Cruise sent cake and champagne for everyone in the play to enjoy. In a tableau of profound grief, obviously.

On the surface it might look like Tom Cruise controls Katie Holmes’ life to the extent that she constantly looks relieved not to be chained up in her kennel-dungeon and drip-fed rainwater, but the truth is that Tom Cruise needs Katie Holmes to help him promote movies.

For instance, War Of The Worlds was the Tom Cruise And Katie Holmes Get Engaged movie, and it was all very sweet and lovely and romantic. Then Mission: Impossible III turned out to be the Tom Cruise And Katie Holmes Have A Baby movie and, well, that was harder to find sweet and lovely and romantic because nobody really believed that the baby existed.

And now Tom Cruise has another movie coming out, about a one-eyed Nazi who couldn’t even blow up Hitler with a suitcase properly. But it’s a bit harder to rope Katie Holmes into promoting this one, because what would it be? The Tom Cruise Lets Katie Holmes Star In A Play movie? The Tom Cruise Stands Next To Katie Holmes And Everyone Sees What A Funny Little Elf He Is movie? It’s a tricky one.

Luckily, yesterday happened to be Katie Holmes’ 30th birthday, thereby making Valkyrie the Katie Holmes Reaches An Age Where People No Longer Mistake Her For Tom Cruise’s Daughter And Tom Cruise Sends Her A Cake To Celebrate Because He’s Too Busy To Do It In Person movie. God, Valkyrie’s going to be rubbish, isn’t it?

But, hey, who doesn’t like cake and a sing-song to puncture the emotional impact of a play about death? People reports:

Addressing the audience, Holmes’s costar John Lithgow announced, “Tom Cruise, our good friend, devoted fan to the show, doting husband of Katie, could not be here tonight. He’s heartsick that he couldn’t be here … So, he’s joining us, inviting all of you, to celebrate Katie’s birthday.” And with that, crewmembers wheeled out a five-tiered, white-frosted, circular birthday cake as the crowd cheered and applauded.

We were just kidding about Tom Cruise ruining the ending to the play, by the way – when Katie Holmes received the cake and read that it was iced with the inscription “Don’t eat any of this. The last thing I want is a fat wife. I can tell, you know. I’m always watching you. ALWAYS” the mood in the theatre returned to the tangible solemnity that Arthur Miller had always envisioned for the climax of his play. Tom Cruise saves the day again!

But now he’s exhausted engagements, childbirth and landmark birthdays to promote his films, Tom Cruise is in a bit of a bind. That’s why we’re comfortably predicting that Tom’s next movie will either be the Tom Cruise And Katie Holmes Divorce movie, the Tom Cruise And Katie Holmes Have A Marital Wobble But Ultimately Pull Through movie or the Katie Holmes Accidentally Falls Down A Flight Of Stairs And Mysteriously Dies And Tom Cruise Has To Tenderly Grieve In Public movie.

Which will it be? We’re so excited!

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

This week saw Miley Cyrus celebrate her 16th birthday in Disneyland. That is to say, all of Disneyland. Miley Cyrus’ parents hired out all of Disneyland for Miley, invited thousands of guests and then lit up the Californian dusk with a firework display of epic proportions.

As great as that sounds, there was a sour edge to the weekend as well – Miley’s dad Billy Ray Cyrus insisted on performing Achy Breaky Heart to the assembled guests. So, while your parents never did anything as ostentatious as renting out Disneyland for your 16th birthday, at least you can relax in the knowledge that a pouting vagina-faced idiot didn’t nause everything up by singing the world’s worst song in the middle of it either. Yours was better.

Birthdays are the perfect time to reflect on your achievements. For instance, on our last birthday we reflected on the continued onset of male pattern baldness, our expanding paunch, the slow loss of elasticity in our facial tissue and the fact that we were successfully able to take another hopeless stride towards our inevitable death.

Miley Cyrus has a lot to reflect on, too – in the last year she’s released a blockbuster movie, posed for a set of sort-of naked photos for a glossy magazine and got herself romantically involved with a grown-up. But there’s a pretty good chance that Miley Cyrus didn’t actually pay much attention to any of that yesterday, because she was too busy gonking around on Space Mountain like a giddy toddler smashed off her face on artificial preservatives.

No doubt inspired by the gauche peacocking of My Super Sweet 16, the parents of Miley Cyrus yesterday decided to rent out the whole of Disneyland for Miley’s birthday. The whole of Disneyland. What did you get for your 16th? A family trip to the Wimpy? Ha – Miley Cyrus is so much better than you. AP reports:

The theme park was closed for the supersized soiree, which included a four-song performance by the teen queen and a fireworks display above Sleeping Beauty Castle and 16 giant inflatable candles. “Miley is really hard to surprise,” her father Billy Ray Cyrus said at the event.

Hard to surprise? Miley Cyrus shouldn’t be that hard to surprise – she’s lived her whole life in a sort of megarich celebrity bubble, so surprising her should be easy. Give her a shellsuit or a Saturday job at Primark, that’d probably do the trick.

We’re just kidding – of course Billy Ray Cyrus and his mysterious unnamed wife want the best for Miley Cyrus, and this should be reflected in their choice of birthday party for her, which we hear has a special ‘please don’t cut us off financially when you turn 18, we beg of you’ theme.

Anyway, this is probably all a bit premature, because Miley Cyrus doesn’t even turn 16 until November 23. Her actual birthday will be marked with a far more intimate affair – we hear Billy Ray Cyrus plans to send a giant nuclear-powered robot into space to punch the sun out for her or something.

We know. Marc Anthony is only 40. Weird, isn’t it? To look at his wizened old face we’d have thought that he was at least 80, or maybe 75 if he’d led an especially hard life. But no, Marc Anthony is apparently 40 and so Jennifer Lopez got to throw a party for him.

We don’t know how Jennifer Lopez does it. She’s the mother of six-month-old twins, she recently took part in a triathlon and she’s also thrown a party for Marc Anthony. How on earth does she manage it all? What’s that? Jennifer Lopez is a millionaire who can afford the best nannies, personal fitness trainers and party organisers that money can buy? Oh. We thought it might have been because of her bum or something.

Jennifer Lopez has had many men in her life. No really, she’s had loads of men. Loads of them. It’s borderline obscene. Ugh, Jennifer Lopez you dirty girl.

Anyway, none of these relationships have ever turned out to be very good. One husband tried to write a book about how Jennifer Lopez had sex until he was sued into submission. Other boyfriends have publicly declared their relationship with Jennifer Lopez to be the worst period of their lives. And, one poor unnamed sap lost his mind completely after being with Jennifer Lopez, and some say he can still be seen spinning round in his garden and screaming about politicians.

However, there is one man who Jennifer Lopez loves with all her heart, and that’s her current husband Marc Anthony. Jennifer and Marc do everything together – make substandard films, go on underwhelming tours, produce overpaid babies – and so it was always fair that, for Marc Anthony’s 40th birthday, Jennifer Lopez pulled out all the stops for a great big lovely birthday party for him.

Yes, this is news. Play along. People reports:

The party featured stripper Dita Von Teese, a salsa orchestra, mojitos and showgirls in feather headdresses,. The couple’s friends and family danced the night away, including Brooke Shields and husband Chris Henchy. Says Shields with a laugh: “Jennifer is amazing. I did a triathlon once in college but for me a triathlon is now eating, drinking and sleeping.” Adds pal Leah Remini, “The party is over the top. It’s pure Jennifer.”

Wow. Jennifer Lopez, Brooke Shields and the mouthy one from King of Queens all in the same room together. That sounds fun and not at all life-sapping. We’re sure Marc Anthony had a great time.

But still we think we understand the point of Jennifer Lopez’s party for Marc Anthony, and that point is ‘Hey, check Jennifer Lopez out!’ She’s a party organiser, a mother, an athlete, a wife, a singer, a dancer, an entrepreneur… is there anything that Jennifer Lopez can’t do?

What’s that? Star in films that don’t make us want to bludgeon our skulls in with housebricks? Yeah, that’s it. We knew there was something.

Seriously, there are probably parts of his face that are only a couple of months old. But anyway, as bewildered as we are that Michael Jackson is 50, his birthday does beg one important question: What do you get a man who’s already spent way beyond his means to have everything?

Turns out the answer might be a telephone interview with Good Morning America, because that’s what he’s been given. And how did Michael Jackson tell an entire country that he would spend this important milestone? By having “a little cake with my children and we’ll probably watch some cartoons.”

Don’t, OK? Just don’t.

It’s slightly odd to think that Michael Jackson is 50 years old, isn’t it? On the one hand he’s still that little boy trapped in a perpetual adolescence thanks to the childhood that was stolen from him by showbusiness. And on the other hand his face is properly messed up and he looks about a million years old like bloody Mumm-Ra or something.

At this moment Michael Jackson is probably reflecting on his first half-century; the epic highs like becoming an iconic megastar while watching Thriller change the way that music was presented forever, and the slumps like that time everyone thought he’d wanked off that little cancer patient.

Maybe Michael Jackson will wonder why he’s been reduced to shaking Japanese businessmens’ hands for cash, or be slightly downbeat about the fact that he no longer lives in Neverland and therefore can’t have his birthday party in a creepy abandoned fairground any more. But it doesn’t matter, because at least Good Morning America is around to cheer Michael Jackson up.

Getting a Michael Jackson interview, even by phone, is quite the achievement. If you usually ask Michael Jackson to speak he’ll either dress up as a woman and run away or just mumble a few lines of We Are The World and slouch off.

So what could Good Morning America glean from Michael Jackson on this momentous occasion? For example, what has Michael Jackson been doing since he was acquitted of being a child molester and everyone stopped liking him?

“I love composing and the whole thing. But I am also raising my children and enjoying it and teaching them to ride bicycles and how to read. I love it.”

Good. He may not be at the top of his game any more, but at least he loves it. Michael Jackson loves what he does. But, with everything he’s been though, would he do it all again?

“I think I would. It is very much worth it. I love the celebration of music and dance and art. I just love it.”

OK, good. Again, Michael Jackson says he loves what he does. Actually, this is getting a bit boring, isn’t it? If only there was a way to get Michael Jackson to say something creepy about how he’s unwittingly ruining the lives of his children by vicariously living his lost childhood out through them:

“I want them to get to do the kind of things I didn’t get to do. So, I fill them with a lot of enjoyment — a lot of amusement. I get pretty emotional when I see them having a wonderful time.”

Perfect. Happy birthday Michael.

Well, we are. But that doesn’t stop us from doing it – especially not when she’s selling tickets to her super-mega-ultra sweet 16.

Yes, she of Hannah Montana fame and the one that likes to get all (almost) nude for the sake of every man, woman and child in the world is making her party public.

Public in Disneyland, which is 85 acres in size, but public nonetheless.

All we need to do is save up $250 then hecklerspray can join in the fun – you can bring beer into Disneyland, right? We’ll settle for gin, mind. October 5 here we come!

There will be 5,000 invites available to anyone that can afford them/can be bothered/is a bit of a mental stalker and all proceeds will be donated to Youth Service America. So not only will you get an expensive, private day out with your best friend Miley Cyrus (she doesn’t know who you are) and 4,999 other people, you get to help five-to-25-year-olds who help people too. It’s win-win.

But why, oh why would a girl just turning 16 want to go somewhere like Disneyland? Well, probably because she’s a girl just turning 16. It makes sense when you think about it. Speaking to Entertainment Tonight, our favourite child that gets almost-naked said:

“It’s gonna be an awesome party with more than seven things I like. It’s gonna be totally awesome. I hope it’s a great time… I love roller coasters, so this is my ultimate birthday. I only turn 16 once, so it’s going to be an awesome party with my favorite rides, hanging out with friends, fireworks and more.”

First: what the hell is she talking about with this ‘more than seven things’ malarkey? Is one of those things she likes ‘getting half-naked in a disturbing fashion and having the pictures spread all over the internet’? Second: hanging out with fireworks? What? Is that some new fad that all the kids are into?

Anyway, the seemingly mental Miss Cyrus went on:

“The best part of the party is we’re going to recognize some really cool kids from Youth Service America who are giving back to their community. That’s so awesome because I think it’s really important for kids like us to volunteer.”

So at least there’s something nice coming from it, even if we do actually turn up and ruin things by getting drunk and clogging up Space Mountain with sick, by doing a poo in Roger Rabbit’s Car Toon Spin or by demanding Miley gets off with Katy Perry when we’re at a particular low point.

Regardless of the destruction hecklerspray would bring on through excessive amounts of bodily fluids, at least there will have been a charitable donation along the way, so no one can complain.

Those who care enough can go here to get the tickets, which are available from August 30th. We probably can’t afford flights over if we’re honest, but if someone wants to pick up some cheap travel for us then we’ll happily go – we’ll even take photos and everything.

Which is a shame, because that’s what Ringo Starr wanted to happen. Yesterday, you see, was Ringo Starr’s 68th birthday, and he wanted to use the occasion to initiate an annual Peace And Love Day, where at the stroke of noon everyone would stop what they were doing and… yeah, you get the idea.

As you’ve probably noticed, Ringo Starr’s Peace And Love Day pretty much fell flat on its arse without question, causing Ringo Starr to scale down his plans a little. Next year Ringo Starr will initiate a Nurse, I Think I’ve Just Wet Myself Again day where, at the stroke of noon, Ringo Starr and Ringo Starr alone will shout that very phrase at one of his care workers. For the fifteenth time that day.

It’d be quite easy to feel sorry for Ringo Starr if he didn’t seem like such a git, wouldn’t it? All the other Beatles are just streaking past him in terms of legacy. Paul McCartney is an award-winning classical composer, John Lennon will be remembered forever thanks to the giant tower of light beamed into space in his name – but Ringo? He’s the man who got his head chopped off because not even people from Liverpool like him very much.

But we should at least credit Ringo Starr with having the wherewithal to try and correct that. Yesterday was Ringo Starr’s 68th birthday and, modest man that he is, Ringo didn’t ask for material gifts from his fans.

Instead Ringo requested something far more humble – that every man, woman and child on the face of God’s green Earth raised their mouths to the sky at the stroke of noon and shouted “Peace and Love!” as loudly as possibly no matter what they were doing, so that subconsciously they’d think about Ringo Starr, remember he has an album out, go and buy the album and give Ringo the royalties needed to buy all the material gifts for himself that he’s clearly too modest to ask for. The Chicago Tribune reports:

“It’s a fantasy, and it’s a dream I have,” Starr said Monday, “that one minute, one day, one month, one year, everyone will go peace and love.” … He got it Monday from about 300 fans who lined an entire city block to sing “Happy Birthday” to the ex-Beatles drummer and flash peace signs in the air. “What a great birthday gift!” said Starr, surrounded by television cameras. “If you could pan around, you could see Chicago is full of peace and lovers.”

Well, one city block was full of about 300 peace and lovers, which works out at about 1/10,000th of Chicago’s population. Multiply that by all the cities in America and all the countries in the world and, well, it’s not exactly impressive, is it?

But then again, getting everyone to shout “Peace and Love!” into the air probably isn’t the best way to actually accomplish peace and love, is it? If you could achieve anything you wanted by shouting it out loud then Konnie Huq would be sitting on our knee right now and we’d have a proper job.

Let’s just hope that Ringo Starr’s stupid idea passes quickly and this silly game of Beatle one-upmanship can be put to bed. Honestly, first John Lennon wants a Peace Day, then Ringo Starr wants a Peace And Love day. The only logical conclusion to this sort of madness is Paul McCartney requesting a Peace And Love And Snuggles day, and we can all agree that’s just a step too bloody far.

No. Ringo Starr, the only thing you’ll be remembered for is this. It’s no more than you deserve.

Nelson Mandela has got nothing but pure undiluted joy for every single person in the whole wide world – or at least he would have, if Naomi Campbell wasn't such a massive angry bitch all the time.

There's a big concert being held in Hyde Park for Nelson Mandela's 90th birthday tomorrow, and Naomi Campbell was on call to introduce some of the acts. However, since her recent air rage conviction it's been reported that Nelson Mandela himself has personally intervened to remove Naomi Campbell from proceedings. Hopefully there's still time to replace Naomi with a friendlier celebrity – perhaps Amy Winehouse's husband or the ghost of Saparmurat Niyazov or something.

Hey, ever wondered what it'd take to turn Nelson Mandela into a dick? So have we – the man seems so benevolent and wise and compassionate that he's even managed to spend considerable lengths of time with Geri Halliwell without trying to smack her head off with the back of a shovel just to shut her up. He's an unflappable superman.

But what presses Nelson Mandela's buttons? Would he lose his shit if you kept poking him in the eye with a detached animal penis? Probably not. If you kept filling his shoes with gravel every time he turned his back? Again, probably not. If you sat three feet away from him playing the accordion as loudly as possible when he was trying to discuss ways to counter the spread of AIDS in Africa? No chance.

If you were arrested for furiously spitting at policemen on an aeroplane just because a bag with some of your stuff in it has gone missing? That's more like it. Nelson Mandela hates it when people do that. He hates it enough to personally intervene and publicly humiliate anyone who does it by uninviting them to his birthday party. 

And since Naomi Campbell is the only person on Earth who's done that lately, she's copped the full brunt of Mandela's grumpiness. Apparently Naomi Campbell was going to be used to introduce acts at Nelson Mandela's big birthday concert in Hyde Park tomorrow, but since she made such an arse of herself on the plane – and subsequently when she claimed she was just reacting to racism – she's apparently been told that her services are no longer required. The Press Association reports:

A source close to the concert said: "People were disappointed by what happened – in the past she had spoken to Mandela about her anger. It's not the behaviour of a charity ambassador. Mandela would have had a say. It's fair to say he was behind the decision. There's an aspect of him being upset by the whole situation."

What's probably most hurtful to Nelson Mandela is the fact that when Naomi Campbell was lashing out like a berserko fruitcake on the plane, she was wearing a baseball cap promoting Mandela's charity 46664. Attacking the police in a charity baseball cap never goes down particularly well, but we assumed that Naomi Campbell would have got away with it – surely most people assumed that 46664 was just a running total of servants who Naomi Campbell had punched in the face so far that week.

Anyway, full credit to Nelson Mandela for standing up to Naomi Campbell so bravely. His courage knows no bounds – because, honestly, 18 years in prison on an island is going to seem like nothing once Naomi Campbell hears about this snub and dedicates the rest of her life to trying to push a smartphone through one of his eye sockets.

So, genuinely, it’s charming to see Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson back together again. According to reports, Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson were being all romantic together in Miami on Saturday for Kate’s birthday. Let’s hope that this time Owen and Kate’s relationship doesn’t end in the same tragic circumstances as it did before.

By which we clearly mean Fool’s Gold. Nobody should have to suffer through something as awful as that more than once. Ugh, it’s bringing us out in hives just thinking about it.

Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson have always enjoyed something of an unconventional relationship. Owen Wilson was Kate Hudson’s first big fling after her marriage to Chris Robinson crumbled but – despite starring in a not very good film together – they were both reluctant to officially confirm their love for one another. They never responded to the rumours, and every time Owen and Kate were seen in public they acted all cagey and stuff.

Sadly, just when it looked like they might be ready so shack up and create the world’s most alarmingly blonde children, Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson split up and Owen Wilson tried to kill himself. Whether or not the suicide attempt was due to the break-up with Hudson or because of some deeper underlying psychological trauma that Owen Wilson has grappled with has never been made clear.

But, hey, it doesn’t really matter because it worked – it looks very much like Hate Hudson and Owen Wilson are a couple again! Yay! People reports:

Hudson joined Wilson, 39, and his parents for a lunch at Lario’s on South Beach Saturday afternoon. “The four of them sat away from the crowds and had a blast,” says a source at the restaurant… The lovebirds then walked hand-in-hand to Skybar at the Shore Club, where they lounged and partied poolside on a bed. The pair chatted with each other, shared kisses and “were very sweet looking, it was super lovey-dovey,” according to one onlooker.

It’s actually quite heartwarming, isn’t it? Owen Wilson has pulled himself back from the brink of personal ruin and he’s stronger than ever. Back in the old days, the mixture of a relationship with Kate Hudson and the filming of a romantic comedy about a lovely dog with Jennifer Aniston would have sent Owen Wilson’s friends and family scurrying off to remove all the sharp objects from his house. But not any more.

However, we just hope that Owen Wilson doesn’t enter into anything too quickly. For instance, if he suddenly decides that he’s so in love with Kate Hudson that he wants to make a sequel to You, Me And Dupree, then we’ll have him booked into the nearest lobotomy clinic in a jiffy regardless of the consequences.

Read more:

Owen & Kate’s Romantic Birthday Date in Miami – People

First Daniel Radcliffe decided to get naked for a play about a mental kid who stabs horses in the eyes, and now Emma Watson’s at it as well. To be fair, Emma Watson hasn’t waggled her penis around in front of a paying audience at the behest of a frightening imaginary horse-God, but she did show everyone her knickers getting out of a car at her 18th birthday party. Which is sort of the same thing.

Which is all well and good – getting your pants out for the paparazzi is as much a part of being a celebrity these days as complaining about the paparazzi taking pictures of your pants – but we have our concerns. If Emma Watson’s pantyflash gives Ron Weasley any ideas about public nudity, then we’re quite prepared to corkscrew our own eyes out now to protect our fragile minds.

Emma Watson is 18! Hooray! She’s a proper, fully-grown adult! Yay! She can vote! She can drink booze down the pub! She can get married without the permission of her parents! And, best of all, the paparazzi can take gigantically intrusive pictures of her underwear without being worried that it makes them look like paedophiles! Hooray!

Emma Watson had her 18th birthday party on Saturday. And rather than do the traditional 18th birthday thing of going to the local pub and feeling a bit awkward because you’ve been going there for three years anyway and now you’re just rubbing it in the landlord’s face that he was jeopardising his career by illegally selling you alcohol in the past, Emma Watson went to fancy Mayfair restaurant Automat with some friends.

But that’s not the main story here, and nor is the fact that – simply by turning 18 – Emma Watson gets £10 million in Harry Potter wages that her parents had been keeping in a trust for her. No, the main story here is that an enterprising member of the paparazzi managed to jam a camera into Emma Watson’s crotch and snap away at her knickers like a giddy old goose when she was sitting in a car. Or, as The Sun puts it:

The young actress didn’t flash a smile but she did flash something else – so I have covered her modesty with an aptly-placed picture of co-star Rupert Grint.

Oh Emma, now the world knows what your knickers look like. It’s a slippery slope from there, dear. First you flash your knickers, then you decide to go out without any knickers on – giving the paparazzi a view so horrifyingly internal that it’ll turn about an eighth of all men who see the pictures instantly gay – and the next thing you know you’re running round a rehab clinic with a shaved head trying to hang yourself because you’re convinced that you’re the devil.

However, Emma Watson seems like she’s a vaguely intelligent girl, so perhaps she’ll learn from this mistake and only go out wearing trousers or full-length skirts or three-inch thick metal knickers or whatever. But perhaps it’s too late for that. Perhaps now the damage is done.

Remember how Johnny Borrell was all over Emma Watson when he’d only seen her fully-clothed? Now he’s seen what Emma Watson’s knickers look like, so we’d expect that he’s going to start stratching on her patio door and groaning all the time, like the zombies in last scene of I Am Legend, if the zombies wore leotards and looked like they smelt quite bad. Poor Emma, she’s doomed.

Read more:

Cheer up, Her-moany Granger - The Sun