celebrity birthday - HecklerSpray

Tom Cruise Somehow Makes Katie Holmes’ Birthday All About Him

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

The end of the play All My Sons is profoundly sad – when the family’s patriarch kills himself to end his unbearable guilt and then everyone celebrates with cake.

Wait a minute, everyone celebrates with what? That isn’t in the script – All My Sons ends with the patriarch killing himself to end his unbearable guilt and then everyone unites in a tableau of profound grief. Where’s all this bloody cake come from?

Oh, Tom Cruise. We should have known. Yesterday was Katie Holmes‘ 30th birthday, so Tom Cruise sent cake and champagne for everyone in the play to enjoy. In a tableau of profound grief, obviously.

Miley Cyrus Has Big Dumb Disneyland 16th Birthday Party

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Thanks to the economy, you probably now live under a park bench existing on nothing but rain – but, hey, look at the lovely time Miley Cyrus is having!

This week saw Miley Cyrus celebrate her 16th birthday in Disneyland. That is to say, all of Disneyland. Miley Cyrus’ parents hired out all of Disneyland for Miley, invited thousands of guests and then lit up the Californian dusk with a firework display of epic proportions.

As great as that sounds, there was a sour edge to the weekend as well – Miley’s dad Billy Ray Cyrus insisted on performing Achy Breaky Heart to the assembled guests. So, while your parents never did anything as ostentatious as renting out Disneyland for your 16th birthday, at least you can relax in the knowledge that a pouting vagina-faced idiot didn’t nause everything up by singing the world’s worst song in the middle of it either. Yours was better.

Jennifer Lopez Has Party For Husband, Seems To Want Medal For It

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Fresh from riding a bike around Malibu and expecting everyone to be impressed, Jennifer Lopez has thrown a great big party for Marc Anthony’s 40th birthday.

We know. Marc Anthony is only 40. Weird, isn’t it? To look at his wizened old face we’d have thought that he was at least 80, or maybe 75 if he’d led an especially hard life. But no, Marc Anthony is apparently 40 and so Jennifer Lopez got to throw a party for him.

We don’t know how Jennifer Lopez does it. She’s the mother of six-month-old twins, she recently took part in a triathlon and she’s also thrown a party for Marc Anthony. How on earth does she manage it all? What’s that? Jennifer Lopez is a millionaire who can afford the best nannies, personal fitness trainers and party organisers that money can buy? Oh. We thought it might have been because of her bum or something.

Michael Jackson Turns 50; Now Officially A Creepy Old Man

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Today is a very special day, because it’s the day that Michael Jackson turns 50 – or at least the odd patch of Michael Jackson turns 50.

Seriously, there are probably parts of his face that are only a couple of months old. But anyway, as bewildered as we are that Michael Jackson is 50, his birthday does beg one important question: What do you get a man who’s already spent way beyond his means to have everything?

Turns out the answer might be a telephone interview with Good Morning America, because that’s what he’s been given. And how did Michael Jackson tell an entire country that he would spend this important milestone? By having “a little cake with my children and we’ll probably watch some cartoons.”

Don’t, OK? Just don’t.

Miley Cyrus to Host Massive Party: hecklerspray Trying to Get Guestlisted

March 24th, 2009 By Ian Dransfield

You’d think we’d be bored of Miley Cyrus coverage by now.

Well, we are. But that doesn’t stop us from doing it – especially not when she’s selling tickets to her super-mega-ultra sweet 16.

Yes, she of Hannah Montana fame and the one that likes to get all (almost) nude for the sake of every man, woman and child in the world is making her party public.

Public in Disneyland, which is 85 acres in size, but public nonetheless.

All we need to do is save up $250 then hecklerspray can join in the fun – you can bring beer into Disneyland, right? We’ll settle for gin, mind. October 5 here we come!

Ringo Starr Announces ‘Peace And Love Day’, Is Rightly Ignored

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Think back – what were you doing at noon yesterday? Chances are it didn’t involve shouting “peace and love” into the sky at the behest of a rubbish old man.

Which is a shame, because that’s what Ringo Starr wanted to happen. Yesterday, you see, was Ringo Starr‘s 68th birthday, and he wanted to use the occasion to initiate an annual Peace And Love Day, where at the stroke of noon everyone would stop what they were doing and… yeah, you get the idea.

As you’ve probably noticed, Ringo Starr’s Peace And Love Day pretty much fell flat on its arse without question, causing Ringo Starr to scale down his plans a little. Next year Ringo Starr will initiate a Nurse, I Think I’ve Just Wet Myself Again day where, at the stroke of noon, Ringo Starr and Ringo Starr alone will shout that very phrase at one of his care workers. For the fifteenth time that day.

Nelson Mandela Gives Naomi Campbell The Birthday Boot

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Nelson Mandela is probably the closest thing to a living saint we've got – he's so kindly and warm, like Santa Claus, the Werther's Original grandpa and Ronald McDonald all rolled into one.

Nelson Mandela has got nothing but pure undiluted joy for every single person in the whole wide world – or at least he would have, if Naomi Campbell wasn't such a massive angry bitch all the time.

There's a big concert being held in Hyde Park for Nelson Mandela's 90th birthday tomorrow, and Naomi Campbell was on call to introduce some of the acts. However, since her recent air rage conviction it's been reported that Nelson Mandela himself has personally intervened to remove Naomi Campbell from proceedings. Hopefully there's still time to replace Naomi with a friendlier celebrity – perhaps Amy Winehouse's husband or the ghost of Saparmurat Niyazov or something.

Kate Hudson & Owen Wilson Get All Smoochy Smooch Again

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

There’s nothing quite as sweet as young love, apart from maybe slightly older love featuring a bloke who quite recently tried to kill himself.

So, genuinely, it’s charming to see Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson back together again. According to reports, Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson were being all romantic together in Miami on Saturday for Kate’s birthday. Let’s hope that this time Owen and Kate’s relationship doesn’t end in the same tragic circumstances as it did before.

By which we clearly mean Fool’s Gold. Nobody should have to suffer through something as awful as that more than once. Ugh, it’s bringing us out in hives just thinking about it.

Hermione Granger Turns 18, Gets Her Knickers Out

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Harry Potter stars aren’t exactly brilliant at concealing their modesty, are they?

First Daniel Radcliffe decided to get naked for a play about a mental kid who stabs horses in the eyes, and now Emma Watson‘s at it as well. To be fair, Emma Watson hasn’t waggled her penis around in front of a paying audience at the behest of a frightening imaginary horse-God, but she did show everyone her knickers getting out of a car at her 18th birthday party. Which is sort of the same thing.

Which is all well and good – getting your pants out for the paparazzi is as much a part of being a celebrity these days as complaining about the paparazzi taking pictures of your pants – but we have our concerns. If Emma Watson’s pantyflash gives Ron Weasley any ideas about public nudity, then we’re quite prepared to corkscrew our own eyes out now to protect our fragile minds.