We’re pretty sure that it was one of the following two scenarios: 1) Jennifer Garner’s baby refused to come out until it was promised a helicopter and a suitcase of money, and an FBI negotiator had to talk it down to a scooter and a shiny penny, or 2) Jennifer Garner’s baby realised that Ben Affleck was its father and decided to stick it out in the womb.

Either way, Jennifer Garner had a baby girl yesterday. So there.

Technically Jennifer Garner has been in hospital waiting to give birth to her second child since last year, which seems like an inordinately long time for something that most women manage with nothing more than 45 minutes and a stick to bite down on.

We don’t know why Jennifer Garner spent so long in hospital. It certainly doesn’t seem like she was experiencing any complications, so we’ll just presume that the baby took its time and all the old midwife tricks – like trying to violently shake the baby out or tying an uncooked steak to Jennifer Garner’s thigh and waiting with a net – didn’t work.

But the whys and then hows don’t matter any more, because Jennifer Garner has finally given birth to a baby girl that’s completely healthy aside from however much of Ben Affleck’s DNA she decided to absorb on the way out. Reuters reports:

Actress Jennifer Garner gave birth to her second child in Los Angeles on Tuesday, People magazine reported. The baby girl, whose name was not disclosed, was healthy, People quoted a spokesperson as saying. No other details were provided.

This is the second child for Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck – their first daughter Violet was born in 2005, and is now educationally developed enough to tactfully change the subject every time one of her peers brings up Gigli.

However, even though it’s taken a full week of what we imagine to be relentless vein-popping straining, any joy that Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck feel towards the birth of their new daughter is bound to be tinged with bitter disappointment. After all, Rebecca Romijn also gave birth this week and, since she named her babies Dolly Rebecca Rose and Charlie Tamara Tulip, it means that Jennifer Garner’s baby isn’t even going to have the second-silliest celebrity baby name of the week.

That’s unless Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner can pool their resources and dig deep to think a name even more staggeringly dreadful than those of the Romijn twins. It’s a hard job, and we’re sure Affleck and Garner would appreciate your suggestions in the comment box below. We’ll get the ball rolling with Rhododendron Clusterminge.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

No, apparently Jennifer Garner is having a baby. Or she’s had a baby. Or she’s about to have a baby. Nobody really seems to know. Jennifer Garner checked into a hospital on New Year’s Eve with Ben Affleck, and she’s darned if she’s not coming out without a baby.

So congratulations to Jennifer Garner. And double congratulations if the baby ends up more like you than Ben Affleck. And triple congratulations if he’s not the father. Happy new year!

When it comes to heavy, almost overbearing symbolism, giving birth to a baby at the start of a new year is about as good as it gets. Both signify a fresh start, a blank canvas on which it seems that anything is possible. Both come with a mixture of excitement and trepidation for the future. And, a few months in, you’ll be chronically sleepless, covered in shit and wondering what the fuss was all about. They’re identical.

So with that in mind, we should all be jolly envious of Jennifer Garner, because if she hasn’t had her new baby already, then she’s going to have it any minute. According to reports, Garner and husband Ben Affleck have been holed up in a Los Angeles hospital waiting for the baby since New Year’s Eve. The San Francisco Chronicle reports:

Actress Jennifer Garner has sparked reports she’s planning to ring in the New Year with a new baby after checking into a California hospital. The star is nine months pregnant with her second child, and she and husband Ben Affleck were spotted entering Los Angeles’ Cedars-Sinai Medical Center.

Lucky old Jennifer Garner, we can totally relate to what she’s going through – although Ben Affleck has only ever caused us to scream and writhe around in agony for hours on end that time we thought we decided to try and watch Bounce all the way through in one go, not because he knocked us up with an actual baby.

Of course, this won’t be the first time that Jennifer Garner has given birth to one of Ben Affleck’s children – back in 2005 she gave birth to their first daughter Violet – but it is the first time that we’ve doubted Affleck’s paternity.

Sure, Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck might be in a loving, monogamous relationship – but wasn’t it just over nine months ago that Gary Busey drooled across Jennifer Garner’s neck on the Oscars red carpet? Doesn’t she realise that one atom of Busey dribble is more potent than an entire ocean of human sperm? If we were her we’d keep a hammer by the side of the bed, just in case the baby comes out with big buck teeth, weird googly eyes and a horrifying lack of self-awareness. You can’t be too careful.

So Jennifer Garner has either had a baby or she’s about to – that’s the good news. The bad news is there’s now another mouth to feed and Ben Affleck isn’t exactly going to be able to provide for everyone by directing surprisingly decent but barely-watched arthouse movies about abducted children all the time. So this time next year when Changing Lanes 2 is rush-released, remember that it wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for Ben Affleck’s randy loins, OK?

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

No. Instead, Angelina Jolie has decided to change by getting two more tattoos etched onto her left arm to commemorate the birth of Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline. According to reports, the tattoos come in the form of map coordinates explaining exactly where the twins were born.

They’re not the only coordinate tattoos Angelina Jolie has – in fact, she’s a long-time proponent of them. Angelina Jolie’s arm also bears the coordinates of the birthplace of Maddox, the birthplace of Zahara, the birthplace of Shiloh Nouvel, the birthplace of Pax Thien and the exact location of where Angelina Jolie decided to steal Brad Pitt away from Jennifer Aniston forever.

Good news, wrongheaded Angelina Jolie stalkers. Up until now you probably just wanted to kidnap Angelina Jolie to either get ransom money from Brad Pitt or to just see what her hair smells like, but now you’ve got an added bonus – because the location of your next five holidays are written on Angelina Jolie’s arm.

That’s right, you lucky mentals – Angelina Jolie has the map coordinates of the locations where each of her children were born tattooed on her left arm, and she’s just had the list updated to include the birth locations of her two twins Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline.

Imagine – if you got possession of those coordinates you could fly around the world to each of the locations, knowing that you’re standing exactly where Angelina Jolie flopped her placenta out onto the floor or, to be more precise, where the mothers of Angelina Jolie’s adopted babies flopped their placentas out onto the floor. Either way, what’s to stop you going to those places and licking the floor, you disgusting weirdo.

Anyway, regardless of your undeniably creepy intentions, Angelina Jolie showed off her new tattoos during her much-hyped visit to New York, as The Telegraph reports:

The actress showed off the latest addition to her extensive collection of body art at the New York Film Festival screening of her new film, Changeling. The two lines of blue script on her upper left arm detail the longitudinal and latitudinal location of Nice, where Knox and Vivienne were born in July. They are inscribed directly below four similar lines of coordinates which represent the birthplaces of her other four children.

As sweet a gesture as this seems, you shouldn’t be fooled. Angelina Jolie basically uses the tattoos as proof of purchase for her adopted kids. This way it’s much easier for her to return them if one of them goes defective.

Plus, this is obviously a worrying trend, and it genuinely makes us fear for the future. Look, if Angelina Jolie decides to have the longitudinal and latitudinal coordinates of her childrens’ birthplaces tattooed on her body, then it’s only going to get copied by Heat readers. And do you really want to see armies of fat chavs stumbling around with the coordinates for ‘outside KFC’ or ‘my Nan’s toilet’ or ‘all over the Wetherspoons carpet’ scrawled all over their arms? No. No you don’t.

What’s more, we’re worried for Angelina Jolie. If she keeps collecting babies at the rate she’s going, and if she insists on having their birth locations tattooed on her arms after each one, the poor woman’s going to need an arm extension put in before Christmas. And those things hurt.

And now that Angelina Jolie has increased her ever-expanding brood of biological and adopted kids to six, you’d expect that she’d be thrilled, wouldn’t you? Well think again – if the babies’ names are anything to go by, Angelina Jolie bloody well hates the pair of them.

Why? Because we all know that Angelina Jolie loves to give her children all sorts of zany names, but these new ones? Angelina’s actually given them names that they’ll be able to pronounce? Urgh! Worst of all, they’re not even made up-names! One’s called Leon and the other one’s called Vivienne – Angelina may as well have just slapped them both in the face at birth and had done with it.

If there’s one thing we know, it’s that you should never second-guess Angelina Jolie. Well, except for when it comes to her choice of films – then she just flicks backwards and forwards like clockwork between sexy female assassin movies and dull real-life ‘issue’ movies that nobody watches – but with babies? No.

That’s because Angelina Jolie loves to mix it up when it comes to the naming process. So far she’s named her children after a road in London, after how someone with a speech defect would pronounce the name of a large African desert, after a battle in the War Of Independence and after something that sounds like a made-up dishwasher detergent for Scientologists.

But the bonkers invented celebrity baby name thing has been so overdone lately, with everyone from Nicole Kidman to Matthew McConaughey basically just naming their newborn tots by basically just phonetically spelling the first ambient sound they could think of, so Angelina Jolie has gone for a drastic, profoundly shocking change of tack.

That’s right – Angelina Jolie has given her newborn twins actual names.

On Saturday evening in Nice, after more false alarms than we care to remember, Angelina Jolie gave birth to the baby boy and baby girl that she’s been keeping hidden up her mimsy all year. E! Online has more:

Twins Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline were delivered via Cesarian section about 6 p.m. local time. “Brad and Angelina are extremely happy and everything went perfectly,” Dr. Michel Sussmann tells E! News. “Both of the babies are adorable and in excellent health and everyone’s content and getting some much deserved rest. [Brad, Angelina and the twins] are all tired but very, very happy.”

Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline? OK, at least they managed to slot an X and a couple of Vs in there between them, but it hardly seems as if Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are trying any more, does it? What are they going to call their next kid? Sarah? Jonathan? Urgh, just thinking about it makes us want to vomit up all over the place.

As if there wasn’t enough tension between Angelina Jolie’s biological and adopted children as it is, Angelina’s just gone and exacerbated it tenfold. After all, as if the adopted kids don’t resent the biological kids already, just imagine how much worse it’ll be when they go into Clinton’s Cards and see that you can buy a keyring with Vivienne on it and a keyring with Leon on it, but no Pax or Zahara keyrings.

Let’s just close our eyes as tightly as possible and pray that Angelina Jolie doesn’t take her children into a branch of Clinton’s Cards until the company has remedied this obvious failing.

That's right, Nicole Kidman has given birth to her baby, a little girl she's inexplicably decided to call Sunday Rose. Nicole Kidman's new daughter was born in Nashville yesterday morning, and other than that details are vague – for instance, we don't know if Sunday Rose takes after her mother and has ginger hair and an immobile face, or her father and is an alcoholic.

Best of all, we're almost completely certain that this report is 100% accurate and not an Angelina Jolie-style hoax because, well, who cares about Nicole Kidman enough to make up lies about her?

You hear that? That's the sound of Nicole Kidman not banging on about all the babies she wants. Blissful, isn't it? Because, honestly, for a while there we didn't think she'd ever stop. Any time Nicole Kidman opened her mouth over the last couple of years it was either baby this or pregnancy that or upsetting miscarriage blah blah blah. Watch The Golden Compass in reverse and you'll hear Nicole Kidman say "I want a bloody baby!" at least 17 times.

But now, nothing. That's because Nicole Kidman has given birth to her first biological baby, a little girl named Sunday Rose. Don't laugh – it's perfectly traditional for Australians to name their first-born children after something a pensioner would name a canal boat.

Anyway, Nicole Kidman gave birth to Sunday Rose yesterday morning in Nashville, and right now everything seems to be a picture of unbridled joy, as People reports:

"Husband Keith was by Nicole's side, and mother and baby are very well," said spokesman Paul Freundlich, who added that the couple were "delighted" to make the announcement. He also said the baby girl weighed 6 lbs., 7.5 oz.

Oh really? Nicole Kidman really had a baby, did she? You'll have to excuse our cynicism but we feel it's justified – throughout Nicole Kidman's pregnancy we don't think a single person even saw so much as a glimpse of her baby bump. Doesn't Nicole Kidman know that you're supposed to paint your swollen belly orange and whack it out in a magazine if you're a pregnant celebrity? That's the only way anyone ever believes you.

Anyway. We swear to god, we'd better be blogging about celebrities in the year 2026, because it's going to be a vintage year for gossip. Halle Berry's kid will turn 18, Jessica Alba's kid will turn 18, J-Lo's kids will turn 18, Christina Aguilera's kid will turn 18 and now Nicole Kidman's kid will turn 18 as well. Statistically, at least one of them is bound to grow up to be a drug-ravaged sex fiend, right?

But it probably won't be Nicole Kidman's baby. That's because Nicole has made no secret of her desire to raise her children in private on a tiny Fijian island away from the glare and bitter temptation of Hollywood.

It's also because Sunday Rose is made of 50% Keith Urban genes. If anything she'll be a booze-ravaged sex fiend.

That's right, Angelina Jolie has been checked into a French hospital so that she can give birth to those babies that have been clogging up her insides for what seems like a couple of years. Don't worry, though, Angelina Jolie isn't going to have her twins just yet – she's just checked in for a rest before all the gory stuff happens.

But it's still exciting. What will Angelina Jolie call her children this time? We're actually hoping that the twins are named after something specific to the region they're born in – in which case we can expect to soon be introduced to little Unshaven Female Armpit Jolie-Pitt and its sibling, Halfhearted Attitude To Work Jolie-Pitt.

Is it just us, or has this Angelina Jolie pregnancy been a little bit of a letdown? Last time you'll remember that Angelina Jolie embarked on an epic voyage to Namibia to have her baby, where she managed to combine giving birth with raising global awareness of one of the world's most desperately impoverished regions.

This time? This time Angelina Jolie's going to have her twins in Nice, where she'll be able to combine giving birth with raising global awareness of, what, fancy yachts? Overpriced salads? That's hardly trying very hard, is it?

Anyway, after months and months of watching Jack Black put his foot in it, and getting fooled by at least one humiliatingly premature birth report, Angelina Jolie is finally ready to have those twins of hers. Yesterday Angelina checked into a hospital where she plans to try out some of the famous French bedpans for a few days before a Frenchman comes along and hacks the babies out of her. This Is London reports:

The Hollywood star will stay at the clinic in Nice until she has given birth as part of a pre-booked appointment in a maternity clinic. Spokeswoman for the Hospital Lenval clinic, Nadine Bauer, told America's In Touch magazine: 'Ms. Jolie came to the hospital last night as part of a preplanned rest period, before she gives birth. 'The visit has been planned for a long time, there are no complications. She is just resting.'

And what a rest it'll be – surrounded by the agonised screams and unexpected pooing of several other heavily pregnant women. We don't know about you, but that's how we like to relax as well. We can't even go to sleep now unless we're listening to a soothing CD of a woman crapping herself and shrieking "Get it out of me! GET IT OUT OF ME!" for 18 hours. Honestly, Angelina Jolie sure is one lucky lady.

Anyway, don't hold your breath for Angelina Jolie to give birth any time especially soon, because she has to wait for her American gynaecologist Jason Rothbart to fly to France before anything gets to snake along her birth canal.

But they're coming, so you only have a few more days until you're clobbered over the head with a billion mindnumbing magazine pictures of Brad Pitt gurning at two anonymous-looking babies. We just hope you can wait that long.

She thought it was food poisoning – then suddenly ‘plop,’ there’s junior puked up in the toilet bowl. Lucky for everyone involved she recognized him as a baby in desperate-need of nurturing before she reached for the silver lever. It was a wonderful day we’ll not soon forget.

Britney Spears is about to have the exact same experience. She’s flown home to Louisiana to be with Jamie Lynn while she exorcises a baby from the general area of her ovum.

Jamie Lynn Spears is an apparently young loose woman who’s about to send a child forth into the world well equipped to be a parent itself in eight or nine years. Shocking as it may sound, the child becoming a parent itself asap is essential if the younger Spears is to get a Guinness Book entry as the youngest great-grandparent ever – which has been her goal since she was like 11.

That’s just what we’ve heard. We’re not saying it’s not true, but it isn’t in any way. What we are saying though is that it’s almost go-time on the Spears baby front – and the family is coming together so everybody can watch. As People explains things:

“Britney Spears is at home in Kentwood, La., to be on hand when her sister Jamie Lynn gives birth, PEOPLE confirms. After taking an early morning commercial flight from LAX, the singer, 26, touched down in New Orleans on Wednesday afternoon with her father, Jamie, 55, her brother, Bryan, 31, and her assistant, Brett. The Spears clan then headed home to the Spears family Serenity mansion in Kentwood. Their arrival comes just before Jamie Lynn, 17, is expected to give birth.”

Now isn’t that what it’s all about? Family spending time with each other? Fathers, brothers, mothers and sisters all gathered together to watch their latest model pop out blue, get hung upside down and spanked?

It reminds us of our birth, which happened in a brushfire on the border of New Mexico. Mother’s broken water helped extinguish a square mile or so, the rest was put out by us spinning our umbilical cord way up over our head to create a sort of vacuum that sent all the oxygen fueling the thing out of the flame’s reach.

We actually got a medal for it a few weeks slater, but they pinned it to our black belly button scab and we eventually lost it in a dirty diaper. We’ve still got some pictures though.

To read more see “Britney Arrives in Louisiana” on OK! Magazine.com

According to the scientists, who have conducted ‘research’, Jessica Alba had sex with her husband, Cash Warren, approximately nine months ago and, as far as hecklerspray can deduce, this is somehow linked to the emergence of the little girl.

They have decided to name the little girl Honor Marie Warren. Giving the girl a tag such as this will help to identify her when there are two or more little girls in the same room and in later life people can call out this name in order to get the girl’s attention. Pretty smart when you think about it. Saves a lot of faffing.

Honor Marie Warren was probably called Honor because Jessica Alba and Cash Warren felt honored by having her, just as Cash Warren was named by his parents who felt a tight financial burden by having him. His parents were more accurate.

When Honor grows up, every time a boy kisses her they will no doubt follow it up by saying “what an honor”.

It won’t be confined to just boys either. Throughout her life, whenever she does a favor for anyone, or when anyone does a favor for her, someone will say “it’s been an honor” and then laugh.

At the age of about six, Honor will be asking God why her parents gave her such a rubbish name.

This will evolve into a deep psychological problem by the time she reaches adolescence and, if she isn’t fortunate enough to have inherited her mother’s gluteal genes as compensation, she will probably be reaching for the medicine cabinet before she makes her 20s.

It all happened on Saturday, June 7 in Los Angeles. Her representative, Brad Cafarelli, confirmed so to People magazine.

Jessica Alba was recently interviewed by Fit Pregnancy. When asked what kind of a mother she’d like to be, she said:

I don’t want to be my child’s best friend. I want to be a mom, But I do want my child to come to me when they have problems and need to talk, so it’s going to be about treading that line.

Reports are flooding in that Angelina Jolie has given birth to twins in France. However, right now nobody seems to know how unpregnant Angelina Jolie actually is because, while the reports are mostly convincing, it appears that Angelina has given the twin girls vaguely sensible names. And if we know Angelina Jolie, we know that she’d rather stab a baby in the face than give it a name that she hasn’t just made up from a random combination of letters on a whim.

Anyway – Angelina Jolie! Babies! Birth! Let’s go!

People, however pretty you thought you were when you woke up this morning, get ready to feel crushed because you’re uglier than a couple of screaming newborn babies. Reports are coming in thick and fast that Angelina Jolie has given birth to those twins of Brad Pitt’s that she’s been openly growing inside her for a while.

Although Dustin Hoffman had claimed that the babies weren’t due until August, it appears he may have been playing a particularly lousy game of cat and mouse with everyone, because – after turning up in Cannes to promote Kung Fu Panda – it seems that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt simply pootled on up to Provence and gave birth to their twins there instead.

And, what’s more, the wine and cheese and slightly unsatisfactory work ethic of the nation might have got into Angelina Jolie’s brain, because – as Fox News reports in an unconfirmed claim – she’s given her twins mostly normal names:

According to reports in France, Angelina Jolie gave birth on Sunday at a Catholic clinic in the Aix-En-Provence region, OK! Magazine said Friday. French gossip sites reported that the babies were named Isla Marcheline and Amelie Jane, in honor of the girls’ grandmothers.

If it’s true, then it’s wonderful news – not only has Brad Pitt overcome his fear of how France smells a bit like cabbages, but it also means that the next time Angelina Jolie’s children have a fight, the biologicals will be equally matched against the adoptees. And we’re really only comfortable betting on children fighting to the death when we know that it’s a fair fight. We’re not animals.

Still, we’re sure that you’ll hear more about Angelina Jolie’s baby twins in the days and weeks and months and years to come – from their first lucrative magazine photoshoot deal through to the first time that Mummy and Daddy’s needlessly aggressive bodyguards beat someone up for getting within 50 feet of them to that glorious moment when years of being brought up in a damaging cocoon of fame explode in a mindless quest for public approval ends with them posing naked together for a low rent porno mag on their 18th birthday – so for now, congratulations.

UPDATE – Turns out Angelina Jolie didn’t give birth after all; there’s been an official denial:

“Angelina has not given birth. She is fine, enjoying her home and her family in France.”

We thought as much. Seriously, Amelie Jane? When she could have called it Jazzlebert Curflumberdingle? That’s just dumb.

Two days in labour? That must have hurt. Good.

Max Clifford, Katona’s publicist, had these words to say of the joyous occasion:

“Kerry is fine.She had a natural labour after being induced at lunchtime today. Max is great, he’s a little small, but Kerry’s baby Heidi was only 4lbs, 9oz when she was born premature.”

No word yet as to whether Katona’s constant fagging, drinking and, if rumours are to be believed (and let’s remember who we’re dealing with here, people), cocaine snorting, has affected the baby in any way. Suppose it would be quite hard to tell considering the gene pool it’s been swimming in.

There is some slightly good news though. Do you want it? Do you? Do you really, really want it? OK. Here it is: No more Crazy In Love! Yeah! Actually, no, fuck, who cares? The only people hecklerspray could find that actually watched this visual twaddle were a married couple living in Essex who were also each other’s uncles.

And grandmothers. And smelt of gammon. And said things like, “At the end of the day, right, you know what I mean, yeah?”

And didn’t exist. Kerry, apparently, put a stop to the show when her depression got the better of her. We know what you’re all thinking: what does a fat, moronic, failure with no redeeming qualities whatsoever have to be depressed about? Beats us.

And, Kerry, if you’re reading this, we’ve got some really great advice on how to lose not only the pregnancy fat but all the other fat that was there anyway: Stop breathing. Seriously, give it a try for a couple of hours. It’s very effective.

Read More – Kerry Gives Birth To Tiny Max – The Sun

But even confusingly drawn-out celebrity pregnancies have to come to an end at some point, and yesterday Halle Berry gave birth to her first child – a baby girl that hasn't even got a name yet.

Although the birth of her daughter is joyous news for Halle Berry and her immediate family, it's even better news for her neighbours – now that she's had her baby, Halle's obscenely milk-engorged breasts will finally begin to subside, causing less day-to-day structural damage and stopping quite so many people from tripping over her gigantic pregnant nipples.

Staying alive until the year 2026 has just got a whole lot more enticing. Before, all we had to look forward to was the opening of the DLR to Charing Cross and the advent of Vinge's Singularity whereby humans will become slaves to their robot masters forever, but they've just been blown out of the water by the competition between Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt and Halle Berry's unnamed daughter to become the most beautiful human being in all of creation.

Up until yesterday Shiloh looked like a dead cert for the title, but now Halle Berry and her male model boyfriend Gabriel Aubry have just produced a baby girl the field has been blown wide open. Unless by some quirk of genetics Halle Berry's baby is exceptionally ugly. She might be for all we know – as E! Online reports, Halle Berry's keeping details of the baby close to her chest for the time being:

The Oscar winner and her model boyfriend, Gabriel Aubry, welcomed a daughter Sunday in Los Angeles. This is the first child for Berry, who has not yet announced her new arrival's name. The actress is "doing great," according to her rep.

That's it. Wouldn't have taken much to add "the baby looks normal" or "the baby is remarkably ugly" to the statement but, nooo, Halle Berry's probably too busy 'recovering' and 'caring for the new baby' to think about us. Typical.

No doubt Halle Berry is experiencing that extreme mixture of joy and total abject fear that comes with giving birth to a child, but in the past Halle Berry said that she enjoys being pregnant so much that she'll let Aubry knock her up again as soon as possible. That is, unless she gave birth naturally, because if that's the case she's probably still in the 'you're never putting that thing anywhere near me again' stage.

No doubt there'll be all kinds of exclusive baby photo deals with magazines in the coming weeks so we can all see what Halle Berry's baby looks like – early rumours suggest that it probably looks exactly the same as every other baby ever born – but what about the name?

Well, we have some sad news to report. Halle Berry wants the new baby to be an Aubry and not a Berry. That's an insane choice to make, because now it won't be nearly as funny if Halle Berry calls the baby Kerry or Geri or Cherry or Mary or Teri or Cherie. But, nooo, Halle Berry's obviously too busy 'thinking of the longterm benefit of her child' to provide us with three seconds of mild amusement. Selfish bitch.

Read more:

Halle Berry Baby Time - E! Online 

Or rather Jennifer Lopez was pregnant – last night Jennifer Lopez gave birth to the twin babies – a boy and a girl – that she's been expecting since the summer of 1963.

Not a whole lot is known about Jennifer Lopez's twins yet – it's only been a matter of hours since they were born, after all. However, judging by the size of Jennifer Lopez in the latter stages of her pregnancy, we can safely assume that each twin was the size of a fully-grown overweight nightclub bouncer from Dagenham by the time it shawshanked out of her birth canal.

It's not a great time to have a baby, all said. Everyone from Halle to Jessica to Nicole to Angelina is also so busy being pregnant that there's something of a baby overkill at the moment, as evidenced by the way that everyone's already sick of Christina Aguilera's baby.

However, it's probably safe to assume that Jennifer Lopez got pregnant for herself instead of her fans, otherwise she'd have announced the pregnancy early instead of keeping quiet and letting everyone think that she had some sort of disgusting lard cyst growing inside her. And she would have mentioned that she was pregnant with twins herself instead of letting her Dad blab it to everyone.

And, immediately after giving birth, Jennifer Lopez would have emerged red-faced and exhausted through the hospital's front door holding a baby aloft in each hand by their ankles and roaring "Look what I have accomplished! I am a GOD!" But she didn't. Jennifer Lopez just let a gossip magazine break the news of her giving birth to twins instead. Reuters reports:

Jennifer Lopez and husband Marc Anthony became the parents of twins early on Friday in a New York-area hospital, according to People magazine, which reportedly paid upward of $6 million for the photo rights. The boy and girl, delivered in a Long Island, New York, hospital, were the first for the 38-year-old actress and singer, whose efforts to become pregnant have filled tabloid pages in the past few years.

We'd like to honestly congratulate Jennifer Lopez here, because a boy and a girl is the jackpot twin combination that all parents dream of. Not only does it mean that it's harder to mix them up with each other and give them crippling life-long identity issues, but you can also be certain that they won't grow up to pose tit-to-tit on the front cover of a low-rent sub-porn lad's mag like all other twins inevitably end up doing.

The next few days will be an exciting time for Jennifer Lopez and her twins. Jennifer Lopez will have to name them and try to get used to the nerve-wracking feeling of unconditional love that she has for them. More importantly, though, Jennifer Lopez will make her new twins earn her money! Work! Earn it! Mummy wants a yacht from this! A yacht!

Read more:

Jennifer Lopez delivers twins in New York - Reuters