celebrity birth - HecklerSpray

Jennifer Garner Finally Has That Baby Of Hers

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

It’s been a week since Jennifer Garner went to hospital to give birth to Ben Affleck’s baby – so what was the hold up?

We’re pretty sure that it was one of the following two scenarios: 1) Jennifer Garner’s baby refused to come out until it was promised a helicopter and a suitcase of money, and an FBI negotiator had to talk it down to a scooter and a shiny penny, or 2) Jennifer Garner’s baby realised that Ben Affleck was its father and decided to stick it out in the womb.

Either way, Jennifer Garner had a baby girl yesterday. So there.

Jennifer Garner Probably Has A Baby Or Something

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Jennifer Garner has more reason than most to celebrate 2009 – and not just because it’s a year potentially free of Gary Busey’s pervy spittle.

No, apparently Jennifer Garner is having a baby. Or she’s had a baby. Or she’s about to have a baby. Nobody really seems to know. Jennifer Garner checked into a hospital on New Year’s Eve with Ben Affleck, and she’s darned if she’s not coming out without a baby.

So congratulations to Jennifer Garner. And double congratulations if the baby ends up more like you than Ben Affleck. And triple congratulations if he’s not the father. Happy new year!

Angelina Jolie Gets Covered In Tattoos For Her Twins

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Angelina Jolie has physically changed since the birth of her twins, and not just because now you could easily drive a tractor up her birth canal.

No. Instead, Angelina Jolie has decided to change by getting two more tattoos etched onto her left arm to commemorate the birth of Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline. According to reports, the tattoos come in the form of map coordinates explaining exactly where the twins were born.

They’re not the only coordinate tattoos Angelina Jolie has – in fact, she’s a long-time proponent of them. Angelina Jolie’s arm also bears the coordinates of the birthplace of Maddox, the birthplace of Zahara, the birthplace of Shiloh Nouvel, the birthplace of Pax Thien and the exact location of where Angelina Jolie decided to steal Brad Pitt away from Jennifer Aniston forever.

Angelina Jolie Gives Her Babies Depressingly Normal Names

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

So Angelina Jolie has finally given birth to those baby twins she seems to have been pregnant with for the last 28 months.

And now that Angelina Jolie has increased her ever-expanding brood of biological and adopted kids to six, you’d expect that she’d be thrilled, wouldn’t you? Well think again – if the babies’ names are anything to go by, Angelina Jolie bloody well hates the pair of them.

Why? Because we all know that Angelina Jolie loves to give her children all sorts of zany names, but these new ones? Angelina’s actually given them names that they’ll be able to pronounce? Urgh! Worst of all, they’re not even made up-names! One’s called Leon and the other one’s called Vivienne – Angelina may as well have just slapped them both in the face at birth and had done with it.

Nicole Kidman Thwumps Out Her Semi-Cowboy Baby

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

This is a joyous day, a momentous occasion that will change the world forever – it's the day when Nicole Kidman can stop whining about not having any babies.

That's right, Nicole Kidman has given birth to her baby, a little girl she's inexplicably decided to call Sunday Rose. Nicole Kidman's new daughter was born in Nashville yesterday morning, and other than that details are vague – for instance, we don't know if Sunday Rose takes after her mother and has ginger hair and an immobile face, or her father and is an alcoholic.

Best of all, we're almost completely certain that this report is 100% accurate and not an Angelina Jolie-style hoax because, well, who cares about Nicole Kidman enough to make up lies about her?

Angelina Jolie Ready To Pop Her Twins All Over The Place

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

This is it – the moment that everyone with a slightly sinister personal investment in the lives of people they're never likely to meet has been waiting for.

That's right, Angelina Jolie has been checked into a French hospital so that she can give birth to those babies that have been clogging up her insides for what seems like a couple of years. Don't worry, though, Angelina Jolie isn't going to have her twins just yet – she's just checked in for a rest before all the gory stuff happens.

But it's still exciting. What will Angelina Jolie call her children this time? We're actually hoping that the twins are named after something specific to the region they're born in – in which case we can expect to soon be introduced to little Unshaven Female Armpit Jolie-Pitt and its sibling, Halfhearted Attitude To Work Jolie-Pitt.

Britney Spears’ Family Gathers To Watch Baby Smoothly Slide Out Of Sister

March 24th, 2009 By Shawn Lindseth

When hecklerspray’s sister had a kid we thought that although it was still a beautiful thing, it was a bit different because she gave birth out of her mouth.

She thought it was food poisoning – then suddenly ‘plop,’ there’s junior puked up in the toilet bowl. Lucky for everyone involved she recognized him as a baby in desperate-need of nurturing before she reached for the silver lever. It was a wonderful day we’ll not soon forget.

Britney Spears is about to have the exact same experience. She’s flown home to Louisiana to be with Jamie Lynn while she exorcises a baby from the general area of her ovum.

Little Girl Pulled Screaming Out Of Jessica Alba’s Naughty Bits

March 24th, 2009 By Paul Sorrenti

A little girl has been coaxed out of Jessica Alba’s vagina in what scientists are referring to as a ‘birth’.

According to the scientists, who have conducted ‘research’, Jessica Alba had sex with her husband, Cash Warren, approximately nine months ago and, as far as hecklerspray can deduce, this is somehow linked to the emergence of the little girl.

They have decided to name the little girl Honor Marie Warren. Giving the girl a tag such as this will help to identify her when there are two or more little girls in the same room and in later life people can call out this name in order to get the girl’s attention. Pretty smart when you think about it. Saves a lot of faffing.

Angelina Jolie Thuds Out Those Unborn Babies Of Hers

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Hoist the flags and sound the trumpets – Angelina Jolie has either given birth to twins or farted really, really loudly!

Reports are flooding in that Angelina Jolie has given birth to twins in France. However, right now nobody seems to know how unpregnant Angelina Jolie actually is because, while the reports are mostly convincing, it appears that Angelina has given the twin girls vaguely sensible names. And if we know Angelina Jolie, we know that she’d rather stab a baby in the face than give it a name that she hasn’t just made up from a random combination of letters on a whim.

Anyway – Angelina Jolie! Babies! Birth! Let’s go!

Kerry Katona Shits Out Another One

March 24th, 2009 By hecklerspray staff

Kerry Katona has managed to squeeze out another baby after two days of labour.

Two days in labour? That must have hurt. Good.

Max Clifford, Katona’s publicist, had these words to say of the joyous occasion:

“Kerry is fine.She had a natural labour after being induced at lunchtime today. Max is great, he’s a little small, but Kerry’s baby Heidi was only 4lbs, 9oz when she was born premature.”