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celebrity baby

Reporter Bust Generally Confirms Angelina Jolie’s Pregnancy

by Stuart Heritage

Forget bloating stomachs and tender boobies – the only way we’ll ever know if Angelina Jolie is pregnant with twins or not is if reporters start getting arrested near her house.

What’s that? A reporter has been arrested near Angelina Jolie’s house? Then the prophesies are true – Angelina Jolie is going to be a mother again!

Either that or she and Brad Pitt just enjoy trying to lock up anyone who tries to get too close to them for free. But, screw it, let’s just go with the pregnancy thing.

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Angelina Jolie Pregnant With Twins! Two Of Them!

by Stuart Heritage

Not content with adopting enough kids to start a lucrative sweatshop business, Angelina Jolie has got herself knocked up with twins.

That’s the claim anyway – magazines are reporting that Angelina Jolie has just discovered that she’s pregnant with two of Brad Pitt’s twins, a rumour apparently validated by Angelia’s refusal to get drunk at a recent awards show.

And if it’s true then Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt will have to get their skates on – they’re going to have to find a really obscure third-world country to have the twins in, and the clock’s already ticking.

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Dennis Quaid’s Babies Recovering From Massive Overdose

by Stuart Heritage

As Innerspace-loving children, we were led to believe that there was nothing that Dennis Quaid couldn’t solve by drunkenly shrinking himself down to a speck and flying around people’s bloodstreams singing Sam Cooke songs.

But, in truth, even when you’ve fictionally been injected into Martin Short’s buttocks you still have to cope with immense tragedies like the rest of us. That’s something Dennis Quaid had to come to terms with pretty quickly this week when his newborn twins were accidentally injected with 1,000 times more of the anti-coagulant drug Heparin than usual. However, the good news seems to be that Quaid’s twins are recovering well and showing “no adverse reactions.” Hopefully this news will put an end to what must have surely been one of the most traumatic times Dennis Quaid’s life.

True, the second-most traumatic time was when Dennis Quaid read the The Day After Tomorrow script and realised he’d be paid to out-run some ice, but that shouldn’t diminish the relief he should be feeling now.

As Innerspace-loving children, we were led to believe that there was nothing that Dennis Quaid couldn't solve by drunkenly shrinking himself down to a speck and flying around people's bloodstreams singing Sam Cooke songs. But, in truth, even when you've fictionally been injected into Martin Short's buttocks you still have to cope with immense tragedies like the rest of us. That's something Dennis Quaid had to come to terms with pretty quickly this week when his newborn twins were accidentally injected with 1,000 times more of the anti-coagulant drug Heparin than usual. However, the good news seems to be that Quaid's twins are recovering well and showing "no adverse reactions." Hopefully this news will put an end to what must have surely been one of the most traumatic times Dennis Quaid's life. True, the second-most traumatic time was when Dennis Quaid read the The Day After Tomorrow script and realised he'd be paid to out-run some ice, but that shouldn't diminish the relief he should be feeling now.
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