Four months ago a hospital worker accidentally overdosed Dennis Quaid's newborn twins with 1,000 times the recommended dose of blood thinner.

That's an almost unfathomably horrible thing for anyone to have to go through, and yet Dennis Quaid has happily given a televised interview where he recounts the whole awful story from beginning to end. Why would Dennis Quaid subject himself to this? Because he's still furious about the cock-up and claims that medical mistakes are responsible for 100,000 deaths a year in America alone, that's why. 

And also we suspect it's because if Dennis Quaid didn't talk about his children almost dying, he'd have had to talk about Vantage Point instead. He must have gone for the least emotionally-gruelling choice.

Jennifer Lopez has finally decided to announce the name of her newborn twins - they're called Max and Emme.

"Now just you wait a cotton-picking minute, you sarcastic internet upstart," you're probably roaring at the screen in the ill-informed belief that we can hear you, "They're not crap names like you said in the headline. In a world of Shiloh Nouvels and Bluebell Madonnas, Jennifer Lopez should be applauded for naming her kids something as low-key as Max and Emme."

To which we say, do you know what the twins' full names are? Maximiano and Emelina, that's what. Although that might change once someone informs Jennifer Lopez that she gave birth to human babies, not a fairytale witch and a Pokemon.

According to highly scientific calculations, Jennifer Lopez has been pregnant for anywhere between 12 and 15 years.

Or rather Jennifer Lopez was pregnant - last night Jennifer Lopez gave birth to the twin babies - a boy and a girl - that she's been expecting since the summer of 1963.

Not a whole lot is known about Jennifer Lopez's twins yet - it's only been a matter of hours since they were born, after all. However, judging by the size of Jennifer Lopez in the latter stages of her pregnancy, we can safely assume that each twin was the size of a fully-grown overweight nightclub bouncer from Dagenham by the time it shawshanked out of her birth canal.

Here's a conundrum: you see two magazines, one that promises exclusive pictures of Jennifer Lopez and her new twins and another one that's about generic mid-20th century brickwork - which do you buy?

No question - the brickwork one every time. Because a) hey, bricks, woo, and b) you really couldn't give a tenth of a rat's chuff about anything to do with Jennifer Lopez.

Still, that hasn't stopped People magazine from paying an estimated $6 million for exclusive American distribution rights for Jennifer Lopez's baby photos. We honestly can't see how Jennifer Lopez is that much of a draw, so maybe People has heard something we don't know - maybe J-Lo's twins are co-joined at the arse or something. Yes, that's definitely it.

When Brad Pitt tells Angelina Jolie to jump, she says "how high?" And when Brad Pitt tells Angelina Jolie to start filling her guts up with unborn children, she'll stuff twice as many as he asked for up there.

That's the insinuation being made, anyway. Angelina Jolie reportedly only decided to fall pregnant with twins because she was scared that Brad Pitt would leave her if she didn't.

If that's true then Angelina Jolie is a fool. She should come and shack up with us, because we'd never ask her to get pregnant if she didn't want to. In fact, we hate children so much that we'd make her drown all her existing kids in the bath before we let her move her stuff in. That's the exact opposite of what Brad Pitt wants, which is why we're confident that Angelina Jolie will choose us.

As Jennifer Lopez is so fond of reminding us, she used to have a little now she got a lot - but it seems that she was discussing the contents of her over-stuffed womb all along.

That's because Jennifer Lopez isn't just pregnant, but pregnant with twins. David Lopez broke the news of Jennifer Lopez's impending twins during an interview on a Spanish-language TV show.

Although let's not forget that the Spanish word for 'twins' and the Spanish word for 'underwhelming singing voice' are very similar, so there's a good chance that David Lopez was merely providing a randomly-timed, somewhat harsh critique of Jennifer Lopez's performance style for the Spanish-speaking community.

Forget bloating stomachs and tender boobies - the only way we'll ever know if Angelina Jolie is pregnant with twins or not is if reporters start getting arrested near her house.

What's that? A reporter has been arrested near Angelina Jolie's house? Then the prophesies are true - Angelina Jolie is going to be a mother again!

Either that or she and Brad Pitt just enjoy trying to lock up anyone who tries to get too close to them for free. But, screw it, let's just go with the pregnancy thing.

Not content with adopting enough kids to start a lucrative sweatshop business, Angelina Jolie has got herself knocked up with twins.

That's the claim anyway - magazines are reporting that Angelina Jolie has just discovered that she's pregnant with two of Brad Pitt's twins, a rumour apparently validated by Angelia's refusal to get drunk at a recent awards show.

And if it's true then Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt will have to get their skates on - they're going to have to find a really obscure third-world country to have the twins in, and the clock's already ticking.