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celebrity babies

Britney Spears’ Sister Totally Pregnant At 16

by Stuart Heritage

You have to hand it to Jamie Lynn Spears – not many 16-year-old girls would try and take the heat off their messed-up older sisters by getting themselves pregnant at a ridiculously young age.

But that’s just the kind of socially-conscientious girl Jamie Lynn Spears is. Now that her older sister Britney Spears is being heralded by many as the world’s most famous bad mother, Jamie Lynn wants to have a go, too – so she’s announced to the world via OK! magazine that she’s 12 weeks pregnant with a baby fathered by her long-term boyfriend Casey Aldridge. News of Jamie Lynn Spears’ pregnancy might seem like the Spears family has now reached critical mass when it comes to sexual irresponsibility, but you haven’t seen anything yet – the cover of next week’s Us Weekly consists of a close-up photo of baby Sean Preston’s face alongside the quote “Dude! I Totally Knocked Up 15 Thai Sluts Last Week!”

You have to hand it to Jamie Lynn Spears - not many 16-year-old girls would try and take the heat off their messed-up older sisters by getting themselves pregnant at a ridiculously young age. But that's just the kind of socially-conscientious girl Jamie Lynn Spears is. Now that her older sister Britney Spears is being heralded by many as the world's most famous bad mother, Jamie Lynn wants to have a go, too - so she's announced to the world via OK! magazine that she's 12 weeks pregnant with a baby fathered by her long-term boyfriend Casey Aldridge. News of Jamie Lynn Spears' pregnancy might seem like the Spears family has now reached critical mass when it comes to sexual irresponsibility, but you haven't seen anything yet - the cover of next week's Us Weekly consists of a close-up photo of baby Sean Preston's face alongside the quote "Dude! I Totally Knocked Up 15 Thai Sluts Last Week!"
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Helena Bonham Carter Has A Wickle Baby Girl

by Stuart Heritage

Johnny Depp, let this be a warning – star in too many Tim Burton movies and there’s every chance that Tim will knock you up and make you force out one of his Burton-babies sooner or later.

Just ask Helena Bonham Carter, who – after appearing in every Tim Burton movie made this millennium – has just had Tim Burton’s baby girl. Details on Helena Bonham Carter’s baby girl are scant at the moment, so it’s not known if Tim Burton managed to film the birth or. Let’s hope he didn’t, since Johnny Depp would have been contractually expected to follow the baby by crawling out of Helena Bonham Carter’s gore-soaked ladybits, only to jig around the maternity ward covered in blood and amniotic fluid singing a pretty little song about how nice it is to get your hair cut.

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Jessica Alba Is Really Rather Pregnant

by Stuart Heritage

Let’s see if Jessica Alba can keep topping those ‘Most Sexy’ lists when she’s waddling about on swollen ankles and throwing up every morning – because Jessica Alba is pregnant.

And Jessica Alba is being refreshingly open about being pregnant – her spokesperson has confirmed that in late spring/early summer 2008, Jessica will give birth to a baby fathered by on-off boyfriend Cash Warren. It’s a knotty situation for the global army of obsessed male Jessica Alba fans, who now all have to ask themselves if they have the capacity to marry Jessica Alba and raise another man’s child as their own if she asked them, before concluding quite quickly that Jessica Alba would probably ask Ian Huntley to raise her children rather than get within a hundred yards of their flabby, lonely sweat-stink for even a second.

Let's see if Jessica Alba can keep topping those 'Most Sexy' lists when she's waddling about on swollen ankles and throwing up every morning - because Jessica Alba is pregnant. And Jessica Alba is being refreshingly open about being pregnant - her spokesperson has confirmed that in late spring/early summer 2008, Jessica will give birth to a baby fathered by on-off boyfriend Cash Warren. It's a knotty situation for the global army of obsessed male Jessica Alba fans, who now all have to ask themselves if they have the capacity to marry Jessica Alba and raise another man's child as their own if she asked them, before concluding quite quickly that Jessica Alba would probably ask Ian Huntley to raise her children rather than get within a hundred yards of their flabby, lonely sweat-stink for even a second.
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Kerry Katona Doesn’t Want You To See Her Gash

by Matthew Laidlow

Kerry Katona could almost be described as the most pointless so-called celebrity that the UK has had the misfortune of breathing life into.

So far in her career, Kerry Katona has been in rubbish girlband Atomic Kitten and left before the group got famous famous, got married to a Westlife pleb, had a few kids with him and then got divorced. And now, between seeing Kerry Katona gracing the pages of trashy women’s magazines with a new problem every week and starring in those awful Iceland adverts, Kerry Katona has never been more famous. Where will it all end? With Kerry Katona sprawled out nude on a trolley, graphically giving birth for a TV show? Not if Kerry Katona has anything to do with it.

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Britney Spears Isn’t Pregnant For Once In Her Life

by Stuart Heritage

Rumours are great, whether they’re false – like the one blowing around yesterday about Britney Spears being pregnant; or true – like the one about all hecklerspray writers being so talented and good looking that it makes all the girls cry.

But anyway, back to the false rumours. Yesterday everyone suddenly got very excited over claims made by a raft of American tabloid magazines that Britney Spears was four weeks pregnant and it was true and she’d emailed ultrasound scans to everyone and some bloke nobody’s ever heard of was the father. However, even though it’s an unmitigated fact that having yet another screaming redneck child would single-handedly solve all of her current problems, Britney Spears has blasted the reports as “B.S”. And, as we all know, “B.S” either stands for “Bloody Sertain” or “Baby! Shaboom!” so it’s definitely a fact that Britney Spears is definitely 100% pregnant. Congratulations, Britney!

Rumours are great, whether they're false - like the one blowing around yesterday about Britney Spears being pregnant; or true - like the one about all hecklerspray writers being so talented and good looking that it makes all the girls cry. But anyway, back to the false rumours. Yesterday everyone suddenly got very excited over claims made by a raft of American tabloid magazines that Britney Spears was four weeks pregnant and it was true and she'd emailed ultrasound scans to everyone and some bloke nobody's ever heard of was the father. However, even though it's an unmitigated fact that having yet another screaming redneck child would single-handedly solve all of her current problems, Britney Spears has blasted the reports as "B.S". And, as we all know, "B.S" either stands for "Bloody Sertain" or "Baby! Shaboom!" so it's definitely a fact that Britney Spears is definitely 100% pregnant. Congratulations, Britney!
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Usher Has Baby, Names It Usher

by Stuart Heritage

Even though Usher only looks about 12 years old, it’s pleasing to know that at least he has a fully-working set of adult male genitals – we know this because nine months ago he used them to get his now-wife pregnant.

And now the pregnancy has come to fruition, because it’s been reported that Usher’s wife Tameka Foster gave birth to their first baby, a little boy called Usher Raymond V, on Monday night. Luckily the birth of baby Usher seems to have taken place without any major complications, which is a relief because we were worried that it’d be carried out with the same indecision that marked Usher and Tameka’s wedding. And no baby wants to spend its first few moments on earth trying to be rammed back up its mother’s vagina because nobody can decide if they want it or not. Seriously, could’ve happened.

Even though Usher only looks about 12 years old, it's pleasing to know that at least he has a fully-working set of adult male genitals - we know this because nine months ago he used them to get his now-wife pregnant. And now the pregnancy has come to fruition, because it's been reported that Usher's wife Tameka Foster gave birth to their first baby, a little boy called Usher Raymond V, on Monday night. Luckily the birth of baby Usher seems to have taken place without any major complications, which is a relief because we were worried that it'd be carried out with the same indecision that marked Usher and Tameka's wedding. And no baby wants to spend its first few moments on earth trying to be rammed back up its mother's vagina because nobody can decide if they want it or not. Seriously, could've happened.
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Elisabeth Hasselbeck Has Baby, Doesn’t Call It Rosie

by Stuart Heritage

Ever since Rosie O’Donnell left The View, there’s been a hole in Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s life – a big, attention-seeking, red-faced hole that won’t stop screaming unless you plug it onto the end of a boob.

But now that hole has been filled by Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s newborn baby son. Not much was known about Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s son – other than that it’s going to rebel harder than any other child in history in about 16 years’ time – but then Elisabeth Hasselbeck called The View yesterday to reveal all. Apparently Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s new baby is called Taylor Thomas Hasselbeck and weighs 7 pounds, 15 ounces. Hasselbeck would have gone into more detail on The View but she cut things short because she knows that the first few days of a child’s life are critical for force-feeding it crackpot right-wing patriotic nonsense before it learns how to say “shut up” or put its fingers in its ears.

Ever since Rosie O'Donnell left The View, there's been a hole in Elisabeth Hasselbeck's life - a big, attention-seeking, red-faced hole that won't stop screaming unless you plug it onto the end of a boob. But now that hole has been filled by Elisabeth Hasselbeck's newborn baby son. Not much was known about Elisabeth Hasselbeck's son - other than that it's going to rebel harder than any other child in history in about 16 years' time - but then Elisabeth Hasselbeck called The View yesterday to reveal all. Apparently Elisabeth Hasselbeck's new baby is called Taylor Thomas Hasselbeck and weighs 7 pounds, 15 ounces. Hasselbeck would have gone into more detail on The View but she cut things short because she knows that the first few days of a child's life are critical for force-feeding it crackpot right-wing patriotic nonsense before it learns how to say "shut up" or put its fingers in its ears.
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Christina Aguilera Confirms The Bleeding Obvious

by Stuart Heritage

Bless little Christina Aguilera. Half the size of a soggy lollipop stick, it’s been blindingly apparent to the entire world that she’s been pregnant for quite some time now – and yet she hasn’t revealed her pregnancy to the world at all.

At least not until now. Christina Aguilera has decided to officially confirm her pregnancy to the world for the very first time, letting slip to Glamour magazine that her baby is due early on in the new year. It’s good news all round, really – Christina Aguilera gets to congratulate herself for keeping the pregnancy a secret for so long, the public gets to breathe a sigh of relief because it knows Aguilera’s bulging gut isn’t a giant ovarian cyst and all local hospitals have a few months’ notice to soundproof their maternity wards – after all, if that’s how Christina Aguilera screams when she’s singing a song about a man made of candy, imagine what she’ll sound like when a giant-skulled baby crawls through her vagina.

Bless little Christina Aguilera. Half the size of a soggy lollipop stick, it's been blindingly apparent to the entire world that she's been pregnant for quite some time now - and yet she hasn't revealed her pregnancy to the world at all. At least not until now. Christina Aguilera has decided to officially confirm her pregnancy to the world for the very first time, letting slip to Glamour magazine that her baby is due early on in the new year. It's good news all round, really - Christina Aguilera gets to congratulate herself for keeping the pregnancy a secret for so long, the public gets to breathe a sigh of relief because it knows Aguilera's bulging gut isn't a giant ovarian cyst and all local hospitals have a few months' notice to soundproof their maternity wards - after all, if that's how Christina Aguilera screams when she's singing a song about a man made of candy, imagine what she'll sound like when a giant-skulled baby crawls through her vagina.
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