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celebrity babies

Gwen Stefani’s Up The Duff Again

by Stuart Heritage

In a few months’ time, there are going to be billions of little celebrity babies running around and screaming and crapping themselves, and that’ll partly be Gwen Stefani’s fault.

Because, in what seems like the millionth case of celebrity knocking-up lately, Gwen Stefani has apparently confirmed that she’s 13 weeks pregnant with her second baby. By our calculations, that means that Gwen Stefani fell pregnant on October 23 – with experts suggesting that the new Stefani baby was the product of commemorative lovemaking to mark the sixth anniversary of the Chenchen Moscow Theatre Siege.

Well, we’re suggesting it anyway. And we’re sort of experts. Right?

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Jamie Lynn Spears To Instantly Ditch Her Baby

by Stuart Heritage

As the popular movie Juno has taught us, nothing aids the pregnant schoolgirl like a full-on rendition of a Moldy Peaches song with the kid from Arrested Development.

However, if you’re Jamie Lynn Spears then you don’t need any of that twee indie schmindie nonsense – you just pump the baby out, hand it to your mother and get on with your life.

That’s right, it’s been reported that Jamie Lynn Spears has decided to let her mother Lynne take care of raising the unborn baby that’s currently inside her. Because, you know, she did such a great job with Britney and Jamie Lynn, right?

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Angelina Jolie Set To Adopt Bazillionth Child

by Stuart Heritage

Angelina Jolie is losing her touch – she hasn’t adopted a third-world orphan for almost ten months now.

The old Angelina Jolie we know wouldn’t be nearly as tardy – give her ten months a couple of years ago and she’d have absorbed a country the size of Chad into her bulging rainbow-coloured multicultural orphanarium – but at least Angelina’s making up for lost time by preparing to adopt another Ethiopian baby.

Yes, we know that Angelina Jolie has got an Ethiopian baby already, but getting another one is a strategic move to prise David Banda out of Madonna’s claws come the next round of high-stakes pro-am celebrity adoption baby-swapsies.

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That Bloke From Sex And The City Has A Baby

by Stuart Heritage

You know that bloke from Sex And The City? No, not that one. Or that one. Or that one. The other one. Him, yes. Well, he’s just had a baby.

Chris Noth, the man who played Mr Big in the Sex And The City TV show, has become a father at the ripe old age of 53. It’s unknown what effect Chris Noth’s new baby will have on the production of the forthcoming Sex And The City movie, but insiders are hoping that it will postpone the film indefinitely, demolish the set and burn down Sarah Jessica Parker’s hair.

Oh, OK, not insiders. Us.

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So That’s What Nicole Richie’s Baby Looks Like

by Stuart Heritage

Photos of what are claimed to be Nicole Richie’s newborn baby daughter Harlow Winter have appeared online, giving away vital clues as to what she looks like.

And here’s a newsflash – Nicole Richie’s newborn baby daughter Harlow Winter looks like a bloody baby. Small? Check. Wrinkly? Check. Wearing a nappy? Check. Liable to scream and shit itself at the same time? Check.

Of course, we could be wrong and the pictures might not be of Nicole Richie’s baby at all. For all we know Nicole Richie’s baby could be nine feet tall, completely silent and as smooth as eggs. But, you know, she’s probably not.

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Nicole Richie’s Baby Girl Just As Tiny As Her Mother

by Stuart Heritage

While a lot of fuss has been made about Christina Aguilera’s baby, let’s not forget that Nicole Richie also had a baby this weekend.

In fact, the birth of Nicole Richie’s baby daughter was probably even more spectacular than the Aguilera birth because, by pushing six pounds and seven ounces out her body all at once, Nicole Richie managed to lose three fifths of her bodyweight almost instantly.

And, oh yeah, the father of the baby says that it looks like Nicole Richie. That was going to be our original point.

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Christina Aguilera Has An Oddly-Named Baby Boy

by Stuart Heritage

Wailing popstar Christina Aguilera has given birth to a baby boy and decided to name it after a superhero robot from the future.

According to a post on her official website, Christina Aguilera gave birth to Max Liron Bratman on Saturday evening. While congratulations should obviously be extended to Christina Aguilera and husband Jordan Bratman, we shouldn’t forget that this will be a stressful time in the Aguilera household, filled with abnormally loud off-kilter shrieking and various nauseatingly unpleasant sights and smells.

But we’re sure that Max Liron will get used to his new mother sooner or later.

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Rosie O’Donnell & Elisabeth Hasselbeck: The War Is Over!

by Stuart Heritage

The feud between Rosie O’Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck was one that not even the most hardcore pervert could have imagined turning sexual.

But that’s exactly what has hap… no, we’re only joking. Rosie O’Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck aren’t fighting any more, but only because Rosie though to send Elisabeth’s newborn some gifts.

Still, we had you with the sex thing, right? Right?

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Nicole Kidman Actually Manages To Get Properly Pregnant

by Stuart Heritage

Each time Nicole Kidman has set foot outside over the last couple of years, the world has peered at the outline of her belly and openly wondered how many babies she had stashed inside it.

Sadly, most of the time Nicole Kidman had zero babies in her belly, with the stomach lumps probably either being nothing more than either trapped wind or a distortion caused by her stomach housing three semi-digested edamame beans instead of the usual two. But now, finally, Nicole Kidman has managed to get pregnant with help from her overpolished country singer husband Keith Urban. Nobody knows what sex Nicole Kidman’s baby will be, or even when it’s due, but we honestly couldn’t be more thrilled for Nicole and Keith. Keith especially, because soon Nicole Kidman will be so busy looking after her tot that she won’t notice if he goes out and gets drunk every now and then.

Each time Nicole Kidman has set foot outside over the last couple of years, the world has peered at the outline of her belly and openly wondered how many babies she had stashed inside it. Sadly, most of the time Nicole Kidman had zero babies in her belly, with the stomach lumps probably either being nothing more than either trapped wind or a distortion caused by her stomach housing three semi-digested edamame beans instead of the usual two. But now, finally, Nicole Kidman has managed to get pregnant with help from her overpolished country singer husband Keith Urban. Nobody knows what sex Nicole Kidman's baby will be, or even when it's due, but we honestly couldn't be more thrilled for Nicole and Keith. Keith especially, because soon Nicole Kidman will be so busy looking after her tot that she won't notice if he goes out and gets drunk every now and then.
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Holy Crap, Lily Allen’s Pregnant As Well

by Stuart Heritage

OK, if any other celebrities are pregnant, now’s the time to step forward – first it was Jamie Lynn Spears and now it’s Lily Allen, so who’s next? Amy Winehouse? Judy Finnegan? The girl from the Confused.com advert?

Never mind, let’s just try and concern ourselves with Lily Allen for the time being. The Sun is reporting that Lily Allen is pregnant with a baby fathered by her Chemical Brother boyfriend of three months, and that she’s apparently thrilled about it all. Nothing else is known about Lily Allen’s pregnancy, but you can bet that Lily is praying for triplets, just so that she can test out breastfeeding from all three of her nipples at once. Triplets is the dream, of course, although we hear that Lily Allen would be equally excited about giving birth to twins and then letting an orphaned animal like a fieldmouse or a bean goose suckle on her third nipple, hereafter known as ‘the overspill nub’.

OK, if any other celebrities are pregnant, now's the time to step forward - first it was Jamie Lynn Spears and now it's Lily Allen, so who's next? Amy Winehouse? Judy Finnegan? The girl from the Confused.com advert? Never mind, let's just try and concern ourselves with Lily Allen for the time being. The Sun is reporting that Lily Allen is pregnant with a baby fathered by her Chemical Brother boyfriend of three months, and that she's apparently thrilled about it all. Nothing else is known about Lily Allen's pregnancy, but you can bet that Lily is praying for triplets, just so that she can test out breastfeeding from all three of her nipples at once. Triplets is the dream, of course, although we hear that Lily Allen would be equally excited about giving birth to twins and then letting an orphaned animal like a fieldmouse or a bean goose suckle on her third nipple, hereafter known as 'the overspill nub'.
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