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celebrity babies

Halle Berry Squeezes Out A Baby Girl

by Stuart Heritage

At the last count, Halle Berry has been pregnant for somewhere around the 16-year mark or so.

But even confusingly drawn-out celebrity pregnancies have to come to an end at some point, and yesterday Halle Berry gave birth to her first child – a baby girl that hasn’t even got a name yet.

Although the birth of her daughter is joyous news for Halle Berry and her immediate family, it’s even better news for her neighbours – now that she’s had her baby, Halle’s obscenely milk-engorged breasts will finally begin to subside, causing less day-to-day structural damage and stopping quite so many people from tripping over her gigantic pregnant nipples.

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Matt Damon’s Wife Pregnant With Matt Damon’s Baby

by Stuart Heritage

Like many people, Matt Damon’s boyishly handsome face routinely fools us into thinking that he’s not old enough to produce sperm in his testes yet.

But he is. Because Matt Damon is 37 years old, which is plenty old enough to knock his wife up a bunch of times. And just to remind of that fact, Matt Damon has got his wife Luciana pregnant again.

Matt Damon’s reps haven’t confirmed how far along Luciana is but that’s beside the point – the point is that we’re a maximum of nine months away from hearing the latest, most harrowing, legally-questionable and morally-dubious version of I’m Fucking Matt Damon the world has ever seen.

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Kerry Katona’s Unborn Baby Already A Chip Off The Old Block

by hecklerspray staff

According to the ever-reliable News of the World, the walking arsehole known as Kerry Katona is still taking cocaine four months into her pregnancy.

She has also allegedly been seen smoking up to 20 cigarettes at a time. But, guys, hold on a minute before you judge! It’s alright! Kerry’s not stupid. No way! Dr. Katona tells friends:

“It’s OK – you can wean the baby off the coke afterwards. It’s only booze that can cause serious damage.”

Yeah! Fuck off science! Kerry knows best. Just point your saggy bucket vagina in the direction of The Priory and fire.

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Jennifer Lopez Gives Twins Reassuringly Crap Names

by Stuart Heritage

Jennifer Lopez has finally decided to announce the name of her newborn twins – they’re called Max and Emme.

“Now just you wait a cotton-picking minute, you sarcastic internet upstart,” you’re probably roaring at the screen in the ill-informed belief that we can hear you, “They’re not crap names like you said in the headline. In a world of Shiloh Nouvels and Bluebell Madonnas, Jennifer Lopez should be applauded for naming her kids something as low-key as Max and Emme.”

To which we say, do you know what the twins’ full names are? Maximiano and Emelina, that’s what. Although that might change once someone informs Jennifer Lopez that she gave birth to human babies, not a fairytale witch and a Pokemon.

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Everyone Hates Christina Aguilera’s Stupid Baby

by Stuart Heritage

One of the perks of being a famous woman is that if you ever have a baby, magazines will pay you millions of dollars to take photos of it.

And that’s true whether you have an adorable baby or an angry pink monster with freakish little grasping fingers that creep you out every time you look at them. Like Christina Aguilera’s baby.

Now before you get upset, remember that we’re not the ones saying that. People magazine paid $1.5 million for exclusive photos of Christina Aguilera and her new baby Max, but since hardly anyone bought the issue, it’s basically you who are saying that Christina Aguilera’s baby is a ridiculous, funny-to-look-at waste of everyone’s time. And you should be ashamed, damn you.

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Jennifer Lopez’s Twins To Be Insanely Freaking Rich

by Stuart Heritage

Here’s a conundrum: you see two magazines, one that promises exclusive pictures of Jennifer Lopez and her new twins and another one that’s about generic mid-20th century brickwork – which do you buy?

No question – the brickwork one every time. Because a) hey, bricks, woo, and b) you really couldn’t give a tenth of a rat’s chuff about anything to do with Jennifer Lopez.

Still, that hasn’t stopped People magazine from paying an estimated $6 million for exclusive American distribution rights for Jennifer Lopez’s baby photos. We honestly can’t see how Jennifer Lopez is that much of a draw, so maybe People has heard something we don’t know – maybe J-Lo’s twins are co-joined at the arse or something. Yes, that’s definitely it.

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Jessica Alba To Never Speak English To Her Baby

by Stuart Heritage

We’re starting to get the impression that Jessica Alba is running out of ways to keep her pregnancy sexy.

That’s not to say that she didn’t do a good job initially – in the early stages Jessica Alba all but demanded that everyone in the vicinity had to gawp at her massive new boobs for hours on end. But then that was followed by a confusing mid-section where Jessica Alba revealed that she kept chucking her boyfriend out. That’s a sort of fiery thing to do, and fiery can sometimes be a little bit sexy, so we all went along with it.

And now? Now Jessica Alba has announced that, um, she’s only going to talk Spanish to her new baby. Which is… well, it’s crap, let’s not beat around the bush.

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Kylie Minogue Back With That Bloke She Dumped

by Stuart Heritage

In the history of the world, there’s never been a more magical couple than Kylie Minogue and that French bloke, whatever his name is.

But sadly Kylie Minogue and Oliver Martinez – that’s his name – split up last year, instantly killing our hopes that they’d eventually have a half-French midget baby with unexplainably tight facial skin.

However, now it looks like Kylie Minogue and Olivier Martinez are back together, and the baby plans are back on. And not a moment too soon – we want to see if Kylie Minogue’s range of one and a half facial expressions is genetic.

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Now Mary Lynn Rajskub Off 24 Is Pregnant Too

by Stuart Heritage

If any of you are planning to go to Los Angeles any time soon, don’t drink the water whatever you do – chances are you’ll end up full of babies.

It’s true – every female celebrity you can think of has announced a pregnancy in the last couple of weeks and now the trend’s continuing with Mary Lynn Rajskub, 24′s Chloe O’Brian, revealing that she’s pregnant, too.

Of course, if real life was like 24 then Mary Lynn Rajskub would have to be pregnant for 6,480 episodes. But then if real life was like 24 then Mary Lynn Rajskub’s baby would be an offensively stereotypical Muslim hellbent on trying to poison the world by pumping a deadly virus out of its mother’s bumhole.

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Is Katie Holmes Pregnant With Another Little Thetan?

by Stuart Heritage

As we all know, the best way to get yourself out of a pickle when videos of you babbling religiously appear on the internet is to knock your wife up.

That appears to be the case anyway – Katie Holmes has fuelled speculation that she’s pregnant by buying a T-shirt with ‘Big Sister’ written on it for her daughter Suri. So does this mean that Katie Holmes is pregnant?

Hardly – unless Tom Cruise has miraculously found a nice big glob of Hubbard-spunk in the bottom of his jizz-jar that didn’t get used up when he was getting Katie Holmes pregnant with Suri.

Or something.

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