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celebrity babies

Little Girl Pulled Screaming Out Of Jessica Alba’s Naughty Bits

by Paul Sorrenti

A little girl has been coaxed out of Jessica Alba’s vagina in what scientists are referring to as a ‘birth’.

According to the scientists, who have conducted ‘research’, Jessica Alba had sex with her husband, Cash Warren, approximately nine months ago and, as far as hecklerspray can deduce, this is somehow linked to the emergence of the little girl.

They have decided to name the little girl Honor Marie Warren. Giving the girl a tag such as this will help to identify her when there are two or more little girls in the same room and in later life people can call out this name in order to get the girls attention. Pretty smart when you think about it. Saves a lot of faffing.

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Jack Black Has Another Baby, Nobody Cares

by Stuart Heritage

Since Angelina Jolie and Nicole Kidman are getting ready to shoot babies out of their nethers, appetite for celebrity babies has never been higher.

Unless you’re Jack Black, of course. If you’re Jack Black then nobody really gives much of a hoot about how many children you’ve got. For instance, it’s all over the news at the moment that Jack Black and his wife Tanya have had their second baby.

How do they know? Were hordes of paparazzi camped outside the maternity wards of every hospital in LA? Had midwives been secretly bribed by celebrity magazines to reveal confidential secrets? No. Jack Black had to tell them that they had the baby ‘about a week ago’ during a premiere. Still, the lack of interest in his baby shouldn’t detract from the photo deal he’s just signed – £3.50 for a half-page spread near the back of What Horsebox magazine.

Since Angelina Jolie and Nicole Kidman are getting ready to shoot babies out of their nethers, appetite for celebrity babies has never been higher. Unless you're Jack Black, of course. If you're Jack Black then nobody really gives much of a hoot about how many children you've got. For instance, it's all over the news at the moment that Jack Black and his wife Tanya have had their second baby. How do they know? Were hordes of paparazzi camped outside the maternity wards of every hospital in LA? Had midwives been secretly bribed by celebrity magazines to reveal confidential secrets? No. Jack Black had to tell them that they had the baby 'about a week ago' during a premiere. Still, the lack of interest in his baby shouldn't detract from the photo deal he's just signed - £3.50 for a half-page spread near the back of What Horsebox magazine.
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Clay Aiken Impregnates 50 Year Old Woman Who’s Really Been Asking For It

by Shawn Lindseth

Gay community – red rover red rover send Clay Aiken on over!

Because a woman is currently pregnant with his child. That’s right, we said a woman is currently pregnant with Clay Aiken’s baby – a female woman too, not the cheap kind with the snap-on lady parts.

Not only did he render a woman with-child using nothing but the powers of his magic mind, but it’s some 50-year-old woman too – one who mathematically speaking should have been barren at least 20 years ago. But why isn’t she barren? We don’t know – but we assume it has something to do with her rubbing stereo speakers all over her woo-woo while Measure of a Man plays on repeat in the cassette player.

And we want you all to know we’re serious about that too – Africa’s population is currently booming for that same Aiken woo-woo rubbing reason – it really works!

Gay community – red rover red rover send Clay Aiken on over! Because a woman is currently pregnant with his child. That’s right, we said a woman is currently pregnant with Clay Aiken’s baby – a female woman too, not the cheap kind with the snap-on lady parts. Not only did he render a woman with-child using nothing but the powers of his magic mind, but it’s some 50-year-old woman too – one who mathematically speaking should have been barren at least 20 years ago. But why isn’t she barren? We don’t know – but we assume it has something to do with her rubbing stereo speakers all over her woo-woo while Measure of a Man plays on repeat in the cassette player. And we want you all to know we’re serious about that too – Africa’s population is currently booming for that same Aiken woo-woo rubbing reason - it really works!
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Ashlee Simpson Definitely Pregnant With Wentzbaby No.1

by Stuart Heritage

Speculation about whether or not Pete Wentz only married Ashlee Simpson because she was pregnant has been raging on for months – but now the mystery is over.

He did! Pete Wentz did only marry Ashlee Simpson because he accidentally knocked her up and then felt bound by guilt and duty to quickly marry her and hope that nobody would notice. By which we mean Ashlee Simpson is pregnant! Definitely pregnant!

It was never really a very well-kept secret, but apparently Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson hadn’t confirmed the pregnancy before because of fears for the unborn baby. But now it’s out in the open Pete and Ashlee can totally start their hardball negotiations for magazine photoshoots and baby hair straightener product endorsement deals and shit.

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Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes Brewing Up Another Baby?

by Stuart Heritage

Tom Cruise is back in the A-list, baby – if ‘A-list’ means going on a daytime TV show twice and having lunch with the oldest man alive, of course.

And what better way could there possibly be for Tom Cruise to celebrate his resurgent career than by having sex with his wife until a little person who looks like him crawls out of her genitals?

That’s right – if reports are to be believed, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are trying for another baby, with those close to the couple making it clear that Katie Holmes has ‘got the itch.’ But as soon as thisresilient bout of vaginal thrush clears up, Tom and Katie will definitely try and have another baby.

Hecklerspray: king of the clumsy vaginal thrush joke since 2005.

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Jamie Lynn Spears: It’s A Girl, Apparently

by Stuart Heritage

If you thought all you needed to know about Jamie Lynn Spears’ baby was that it’d be genetically cursed for a lifetime of misery, think again.

That’s because the gender of Jamie Lynn Spears’ unborn baby has apparently sneaked out. According to reports, Jamie Lynn Spears’ mother Lynne Spears was overheard telling people that Jamie Lynn’s having a little girl.

A girl! How wonderful for Jamie Lynn Spears. Now, with the gender determined, Jamie Lynn Spears and her boyfriend can start planning for the baby in full, by buying it a range of Little Slutz knickerless play outfits and a Baby’s First Pressure Your Dolly Into Fame So You Can Vicariously Dine On Its Flesh toyset. Well, Jamie Lynn Spears will want to train her daughter up nice and early.

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Cate Blanchett Names New Baby After A Type Of Rock Or Something

by Stuart Heritage

Cate Blanchett has just given birth to her third baby, and let’s hope there’s not a fourth because she’s clearly already starting to run out of names.

Why? Because, in what appears to be a deliberate attempt to ensure that the child gets beaten up at school, gets passed over for every job it applies for and dies alone and unmarried in several decades’ time, Cate Blanchett has decided to name her new son Ignatius Martin.

Which admittedly isn’t a type of rock at all – we just said that because ‘Ignatius’ sounds a bit like ‘igneous’. But would you have read a story with the headline Cate Blanchett Names New Baby After The Third Bishop Of Antioch And A Student Of The Apostle John Who, Prior To His Martyrdom In Rome, Wrote A Series Of Letters Which Have Been Preserved As An Example Of The Theology Of The Earliest Christians? No. No you effing wouldn’t have.

Cate Blanchett has just given birth to her third baby, and let's hope there's not a fourth because she's clearly already starting to run out of names. Why? Because, in what appears to be a deliberate attempt to ensure that the child gets beaten up at school, gets passed over for every job it applies for and dies alone and unmarried in several decades' time, Cate Blanchett has decided to name her new son Ignatius Martin. Which admittedly isn't a type of rock at all - we just said that because 'Ignatius' sounds a bit like 'igneous'. But would you have read a story with the headline Cate Blanchett Names New Baby After The Third Bishop Of Antioch And A Student Of The Apostle John Who, Prior To His Martyrdom In Rome, Wrote A Series Of Letters Which Have Been Preserved As An Example Of The Theology Of The Earliest Christians? No. No you effing wouldn't have.
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Kerry Katona Shits Out Another One

by hecklerspray staff

Idiot, idiot, idiot, idiot, fucking idiot Kerry Katona has managed to squeeze out another baby shaped shit after two days in labour.

Two days in labour? That must have hurt like fuck. Good.

Max Clifford, Katona’s publicist and therefore an evil, evil sub-human bastard, had these words to say of the joyous occasion:

Kerry is fine, she had a natural labour after being induced at lunchtime today. Max is great, he’s a little small, but Kerry’s baby Heidi was only 4lbs, 9oz when she was born premature.

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Halle Berry’s Baby’s Name Basically All Vowels

by Stuart Heritage

The world has been awaiting the name of Halle Berry’s newborn baby daughter for quite some time now.

As far as we’re aware, this is because the world has been waiting to replace ‘Stupid Berry Baby’ with a real name in its special Infants It’s OK To Dislike Because They’re Already More Beautiful Than You notebook.

But anyway, the wait is over. Halle Berry has finally decided to reveal that her baby will be known as Nahla Ariela Aubry, and we can assume that Halle Berry settled on Nahla Ariela Aubry either because it’s the name of an obscure mountain range from Lord Of The Rings or because it’s an anagram of Labara Urinal Yeah.

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Halle Berry’s Baby’s Aunt Quite Pleased That Baby Exists

by Stuart Heritage

Now that Halle Berry’s finally got round to giving birth to that baby of hers, there’s just one question that still needs to be answered.

Is it ‘what’s the gender of Halle Berry’s baby?’ because we know it’s a girl. It’s not ‘what’s the name of Halle Berry’s baby?’ either, because she hasn’t got round to telling anyone yet.

No – the big question pertaining to Halle Berry’s new baby is ‘but what does Halle Berry’s boyfriend’s sister make of the birth?’ And we’ve got the answer to that one after the jump. Alternatively you could just re-read the headline – there’s a clue in the title.

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