Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
If you follow the show Keeping Up With the Kardashians, then you probably know that 1) this shit is basically capitalist, shallow, staged bullshit that I can’t get enough of, and 2) Kim Kardashian West wants to have more babies but can’t carry any more herself.
Kim had such difficult pregnancies with North and Saint that her uterus is all fucked up, so if she wants more kids they won’t be coming out of her more than likely surgically altered cooch.
If you grew up in North American during the late-80s and early-90s, you probably remember the terrible home décor trend with the colours dusty rose and forest green. Seriously, you could walk into any home during this period of time and find at least one room that was dictated by these colours.
For me, it was two: the living room and the bathroom. My mom had a floral couch with dusty rose flowers that had forest green leaves, our matching lamps were dusty rose, and the carpet was dusty rose. In the bathroom, we had a shower curtain that matched the couch for some goddamn reason, and a forest green toilet seat cover and bathroom floor mat. Why is ANY of this relevant? Two words: Adam Levine.
I never thought I’d ever hear anyone refer to Kate Winslet as anything other than a classy, talented lady. I especially never thought I’d hear anyone refer to her as a trifling, amoral hoe bag, but apparently some people are judgey and stupid. Luckily for Kate Winslet, she gives none of the fucks.
Not that long ago (like a year or so), Kate married a guy name Ned Rocknroll (I’m not even joking…), who?became her third husband. She was previously married to super talented director, Sam Mendes, and before that she was married to some guy I’ve never heard of. You know, a real nobody? Anyway, she had her first kid with Mr. Nobody, then she had her second kid with Sam, and now she’s just had her third kid with ol’ Neddy Rocknroll, and apparently people are pissed about it because they don’t know how to mind their business.
There are some stories, so mediocre and unexceptional that they make us wonder why we chose to continue living in a world that causes us so much pain on a daily basis. ?This is one of them.
Reality star and possible eater of souls, Kourtney Kardashian has revealed to the?uninterested?public that she’s having one of those babies which definitely doesn’t have a penis and which will one day be able to produce more?talentless?K Klan members. Or ‘ a girl’ if you like.
As there are already seventeen thousand women in the Kardashian family, there really is no need to burden the world with any more but selfish Kourtney seems to be happy about this and we don’t appear to have any say in the matter.
CONGRATULATIONS HUGH GRANT. You have had a baby. Is it with a prostitute? We don't know! But the answer is definitely, irrefutably, unequivocally, probably.
?Hugh Grant?s publicist? (HAHAHA) revealed the news, yesterday insisting that honestly:
“He and the mother had a fleeting affair and while this was not planned, Hugh could not? be happier or more supportive.?He and the mother have discussed everything and are on very friendly terms.”
Well, to be clear, she didn’t actually remind us. As it were. She’d have to lift the protective order and speak to us, first.
The mother of three suggested to us that getting knocked up, for the viewing pleasure of the British public, is the gift that keeps on giving. Oh, heck. We’re all fingers and thumbs today. Let us have another stab at that last one – with a loving gaze in our direction that spoke a thousand words, Katie Price let us know her womb generates more column inches than we ever will.
Katie Holmes’ womb is marginally more famous than she, so let’s examine it for a moment.
Katie’s womb rose to fame when it gestated Suri Cruise in 2006. The latest rumours about Katie’s womb suggest that it may be forced to harbour a second baby, against its will. That would technically be against Katie’s will also, but no one really cares about that.
Katie has been an empty shell of a human being – little more than a pretty, Scientology vessel – since she clapped eyes on Tom Cruise in 2005. They hooked up that Spring, and have been required under the tenants of their religion to be joined at the hip ever since.
Tom should logically have been the one who took the backseat in the relationship; his comparatively giant, glassy-eyed wife need only have been knocked over by a strong breeze and fallen for the actor to meet his end. However, the couple’s whole life seems heavily dictated by Tom. The Top Gun actor’s alleged latest fancy is another baby.
Keep this to yourself, but we’re starting to get a tiny bit worried about Ben Affleck – specifically his arseholeishness.
Ben Affleck’s arseholeishness has been proven in his film choices, his J-Lo relationship and his fondness for schoolboy deodorant commercials. But lately there’s been less arseholeishness – first he directed a film that wasn’t horrible, and now he’s given his new daughter a non-horrible name.
Ben Affleck’s new daughter is called Seraphina Rose Elizabeth Affleck. An only slightly weird name followed by two normal alternatives? We pray that Jennifer Garner chose the name – a reality where Ben Affleck isn’t an arsehole is too horrible to consider.
Charlotte Church – whom many of you will recognise as a woman who used to be famous – has every reason to celebrate today.
She’s just had a baby. According to reports, Charlotte Church and her boyfriend Gavin Henson have just welcomed their second child, a baby boy, into the world.
Although the baby hasn’t been named yet, reports are suggesting that he’s just like Charlotte Church. Apparently he screams a lot, often seems bewildered, constantly grasps at anything that comes close to him and has a sense of humour that seems to primarily revolve around pooing uncontrollably into his own underwear.
Shiloh Nouvel, Bluebell Madonna, Bronx Mowgli, Dolly Rebecca Rose – you are now, and will always be, failures.
Why? Because there’s a very good chance you’ll be able to spell or pronounce your names by the time you’re 35. That’s not a luxury afforded to the brand-new child of former Cosby Show star Lisa Bonet, though, because Lisa Bonet has decided to give her baby son the worst name of any human being ever.
Ready? Lisa Bonet has called her son Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa. Again, that’s Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa. We believe it’s Native American for That Kid Who Everyone Beats Up.
