Posts tagged as:
CONGRATULATIONS HUGH GRANT. You have had a baby. Is it with a prostitute? We don’t know! But the answer is definitely, irrefutably, unequivocally, probably.
‘Hugh Grant’s publicist’ (HAHAHA) revealed the news, yesterday insisting that honestly:
“He and the mother had a fleeting affair and while this was not planned, Hugh could not be happier or more supportive. He and the mother have discussed everything and are on very friendly terms.”
Well, to be clear, she didn’t actually remind us. As it were. She’d have to lift the protective order and speak to us, first.
The mother of three suggested to us that getting knocked up, for the viewing pleasure of the British public, is the gift that keeps on giving. Oh, heck. We’re all fingers and thumbs today. Let us have another stab at that last one – with a loving gaze in our direction that spoke a thousand words, Katie Price let us know her womb generates more column inches than we ever will.
Katie Holmes’ womb is marginally more famous than she, so let’s examine it for a moment.
Katie’s womb rose to fame when it gestated Suri Cruise in 2006. The latest rumours about Katie’s womb suggest that it may be forced to harbour a second baby, against its will. That would technically be against Katie’s will also, but no one really cares about that.
Katie has been an empty shell of a human being – little more than a pretty, Scientology vessel – since she clapped eyes on Tom Cruise in 2005. They hooked up that Spring, and have been required under the tenants of their religion to be joined at the hip ever since.
Tom should logically have been the one who took the backseat in the relationship; his comparatively giant, glassy-eyed wife need only have been knocked over by a strong breeze and fallen for the actor to meet his end. However, the couple’s whole life seems heavily dictated by Tom. The Top Gun actor’s alleged latest fancy is another baby.
Keep this to yourself, but we’re starting to get a tiny bit worried about Ben Affleck – specifically his arseholeishness.
Ben Affleck’s arseholeishness has been proven in his film choices, his J-Lo relationship and his fondness for schoolboy deodorant commercials. But lately there’s been less arseholeishness – first he directed a film that wasn’t horrible, and now he’s given his new daughter a non-horrible name.
Ben Affleck’s new daughter is called Seraphina Rose Elizabeth Affleck. An only slightly weird name followed by two normal alternatives? We pray that Jennifer Garner chose the name – a reality where Ben Affleck isn’t an arsehole is too horrible to consider.
Charlotte Church – whom many of you will recognise as a woman who used to be famous – has every reason to celebrate today.
She’s just had a baby. According to reports, Charlotte Church and her boyfriend Gavin Henson have just welcomed their second child, a baby boy, into the world.
Although the baby hasn’t been named yet, reports are suggesting that he’s just like Charlotte Church. Apparently he screams a lot, often seems bewildered, constantly grasps at anything that comes close to him and has a sense of humour that seems to primarily revolve around pooing uncontrollably into his own underwear.
Shiloh Nouvel, Bluebell Madonna, Bronx Mowgli, Dolly Rebecca Rose – you are now, and will always be, failures.
Why? Because there’s a very good chance you’ll be able to spell or pronounce your names by the time you’re 35. That’s not a luxury afforded to the brand-new child of former Cosby Show star Lisa Bonet, though, because Lisa Bonet has decided to give her baby son the worst name of any human being ever.
Ready? Lisa Bonet has called her son Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa. Again, that’s Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa. We believe it’s Native American for That Kid Who Everyone Beats Up.
It’s been a week since Jennifer Garner went to hospital to give birth to Ben Affleck’s baby – so what was the hold up?
We’re pretty sure that it was one of the following two scenarios: 1) Jennifer Garner’s baby refused to come out until it was promised a helicopter and a suitcase of money, and an FBI negotiator had to talk it down to a scooter and a shiny penny, or 2) Jennifer Garner’s baby realised that Ben Affleck was its father and decided to stick it out in the womb.
Either way, Jennifer Garner had a baby girl yesterday. So there.
Jennifer Garner has more reason than most to celebrate 2009 – and not just because it’s a year potentially free of Gary Busey’s pervy spittle.
No, apparently Jennifer Garner is having a baby. Or she’s had a baby. Or she’s about to have a baby. Nobody really seems to know. Jennifer Garner checked into a hospital on New Year’s Eve with Ben Affleck, and she’s darned if she’s not coming out without a baby.
So congratulations to Jennifer Garner. And double congratulations if the baby ends up more like you than Ben Affleck. And triple congratulations if he’s not the father. Happy new year!
