These are some of the sounds that all boxers experience when they are in the ring and go through the procedure of splattering someone’s brain across the ring. Or, if you’re Mike Tyson, an opponent’s ear. On Saturday Amir Khan went down in an impressive 54 seconds thanks to Breidis Prescott and lost his unbeaten record. While he had a sore head, the people who paid £14.99 for the match will have probably been a bit annoyed. They could have literally been on the crapper and missed it.

Now, Noel Gallagher from Oasis isn’t someone we’d think indulge in boxing. Maybe in the past, but not now he’s turned into a grandad of rock n roll. Famously blaming video games for messing up the minds of the nation’s youth, we think he’d be more inclined for a steaming mug of tea and a pair of furry slippers. Even a couple of rich tea biscuits may push him over the edge.

Something that literally did push him over was a crazed fan when Oasis played a recent gig in Toronto. Why the fan showed his love by knocking him over rather than tattooing Noel Gallagher’s initials into his own testicles is beyond us. Anyway, for some comedy falling over by the Oasis bloke, watch the clip below. He gets shoved over around the 1:30 mark.

But behind the smile and massive hooters lies a dark secret, as it’s been revealed that Pamela Anderson was brutally attacked as a child. Not by a pack of wild dogs full of explosive rabies or a perverted old man, but by a menacing gang of leeches. Maybe she looked at them funny.

Um, that’s the top and bottom off it really. However, with our powerful contacts on the inside, we’ve been granted the ins and outs of a police report filled against the leeches that have permanently scarred Pamela on the left shoulder. Some details are sketchy, but we’ve done our best to sum it up for you.

Once. when Pamela Anderson was young, sexually naive and unaware of the evils of camcorders, she was playing in a lake. For no apparent reason she was then set upon by a gang of wild leeches who were drunk and high after downing a cocktail of drugs or something.

After politely rejecting the advances of the ringleader of the gang, the leeches grew angrier and angrier. They got closer to the innocent Pamela who was minding her own business. As the gang approached, it was clear they didn’t want to play dress up with our helpless heroine.

Ugly words were exchanged, ones that opened Pamela’s eyes to how cruel the world can be. Soon things got too heated and what followed is so disgusting and twisted that we can’t even publish them. Thankfully though, the leeches fled as Pamela’s ear-piercing screams alerted a nearby hillbilly fisherman to fight off the beach.

Now 40, single again and definitely not desperate for some press to remind us she’s still mulling around, she gingerly told Craig Ferguson:

“I have a scar on my left shoulder where leeches attacked me in a lake when I was nine.”

It is with deep regret, however, that the culprit of this vile crime is still at large. Everyone at hecklerspray is still shocked and disgusted that such a sick individual is still on the lam. If you have any leads that will apprehend this monster, we will stump up the sum of £1,000*. Help us before he/she strikes another innocent victim.

With the bravery of this one individual, will it open the floodgates for other celebrities to tell us of their horrific hidden secrets? Will Hilary Clinton tell us how she battled off the advances of her husband Bill and a pack of Marlboro slims? What about Snoop Dogg? Will he come clean and tell us that he is owned by one man’s favourite animal creations after he lost a poker bet. Hecklerspray surely hopes so.

God bless you Pamela for finally coming clean with details of your turbulent past. You’re an inspiration to all.

Read more:

Pamela Anderson Attacked By Leeches – EntertainmentWise

*no.