History exists to teach us one thing and one thing alone - you don't talk to Bjork after she's just got off a plane.

12 years after pounding a Thai news reporter in an airport just for having the temerity to welcome her to the country, it looks like Bjork is at it again. A photographer from New Zealand is claiming that Bjork attacked him after she landed at Auckland airport on Friday, destroying his T-shirt.

Subsequently, passengers have been advised to stay away from all airports during the year 2020 regardless, unless they're carrying mace, a taser or some kind of pixie-battering truncheon.

Although it's an understatement to call Sugababes personality-free, Amelle Berrabah is the exception - but sadly she's got the personality of Phil Mitchell.

Amelle Berrabah was arrested late last week for apparently getting angry at her sister's house and beating up a neighbour's car. Although this is just the latest violent controversy to occur since Amelle joined Sugababes, she's strenuously denying these allegations.

When pushed for comment, Amelle tilted her head towards the sky, roared "Hulk smash! Hulk SMAAASH!" and threw a Land Rover into the sun.

As the star of The Birds, Tippi Hedren developed a profound understanding with all forms of wildlife - except for her tigers, which still go around indiscriminately mauling folk.

A tiger living the animal sanctuary owned by actress Tippi Hedren - who, along with The Birds, has also starred in The Birds II and one episode of Murder She Wrote - has attacked and mauled a caretaker who was cleaning out its enclosure, leaving him in a critical condition with multiple bite wounds. Speaking of the attack, Hedren said "What makes these animals so dangerous is for no reason at all this kind of accident can happen."

Which is funny, because we always assumed that what made tigers so dangerous is the fact that they're sodding tigers, you massive idiot.

Diddy is a man of refined taste and sophisticated needs in all walks of life, so when Diddy leathers a bloke in a nightclub while screaming "I'll kill you, punk" it has to be an especially upmarket nightclub.

Also it helps if the bloke he leathers is so fiercely against pressing charges that he stops cooperating with police and changes his story about so often that the police have no option but to drop all charges against Diddy. Which, as luck would have it, has just happened. Although he was arrested last month for apparently punching a friend of his whose ex-girlfriend he's currently dating, Diddy has escaped from the ensuing investigation scot free. Hooray - Diddy lives to impassively mumble over an insultingly obvious Sting sample for another day.

If only James Bond was based on the life of Pierce Brosnan, things would be so much better - Tomorrow Never Dies might have included a scene where 007 rolled round a car park trying to punch a photographer in the ribs and swearing a lot.

Because, if you haven't already guessed, that's what Pierce Brosnan has been accused of doing. Malibu police are apparently investigating claims that Pierce Brosnan attacked a paparazzi photographer outside a Los Angeles restaurant on Friday after telling him to "fuck off" and "get a real fucking job." Reports that Daniel Craig plans to beat up exactly the same photographer next week in a grittier and more slightly convincing way - using less invisible cars and sky lasers - are still totally unfounded.