Its not missing any more though – not one bit. That’s because the VH1 footage of the odd fist-filled incident was either legally aired, or it just slimed its way across the internet like a slug on a salty sidewalk. Surely you remember – we told you all about all the strangeness not too long ago. It harkens back to the glory days of Jerry Springer, and we think you might enjoy it.

So without further ado:

No, really, you shouldn’t mess with Sharon Osbourne. And you shouldn’t not mess with Sharon Osbourne, either. Because if you mess with Sharon Osbourne – or don’t mess with Sharon Osbourne – then you’ll end up getting attacked by her. Or not getting attacked by her.

Vague enough? Good. Because Sharon Osbourne is being investigated by police after allegedly attacking a reality TV show contestant who may or may not called Ozzy Osbourne ‘braindead’. We hope that clears things up.

Here’s a weird thing – when Sharon Osbourne was a judge on X Factor, people loved her. They called her Mum Of The Year. They let her advertise Asda. They didn’t even mention her freakish haircut. Meanwhile, Cheryl Cole was getting arrested for beating up women.

But now Cheryl Cole is the judge on X Factor, and people love her. They want to be her best friend. They’d even buy her clothes given the chance. They don’t even mention her freakish haircut. And, meanwhile, Sharon Osbourne is being investigated for allegedly beating up a woman.

According to reports, Sharon Osbourne is in trouble with the law for getting into a scuffle with Megan Hauserman, a contestant on her reality TV show Rock Of Love: Charm School. And quite a nasty scuffle, too, if you believe what you read. The New York Daily News reports:

Hauserman, known on the show for her svelte figure and sharp tongue, alleges that Osbourne flipped out, running across the stage and attacking her. Osbourne, who hosts the VH1 etiquette competition, apparently yanked Hauserman’s hair and scratched at her until security separated them, TMZ.com reports. Hauserman went to the hospital, but so far no charges have been filed.

Apparently the fight started when Sharon Osbourne made a ’snide remark’ about Megan Hauserman, who retaliated by calling Sharon’s husband Ozzy Osbourne ‘braindead’. Which is feasible but for a single fact; we’ve seen Megan Hauserman on a couple of reality TV shows, and there’s no way that her brain works fast enough for her to respond to anything – let alone a Sharon Osbourne insult – without spending 45 minutes gazing into space trying to process all the complex information first.

What happens now is in the hands of the police and, if the cameras were on at the time of the attack, VH1. It might even lead to Sharon Osbourne’s dismissal from Charm School if there’s an arrest, and that would be a terrible shame – surely getting Sharon Osbourne to present a show called Charm School involved employing a level of irony that can never be topped.

Well don’t speak too fast, sonny, because Sharon Osbourne is a fighter, and if ironically-named reality TV shows are what she wants to do, then we’re sure she’ll find a way to get one off the ground. And if she’s stuck, here are some titles to start her off:

Sharon Osbourne’s House Of Natural Ageing.

Sharon Osbourne’s Worthwhile Children.

Sharon Osbourne’s Shack Of Not Sounding Like A Wasp In An Echo Chamber When She’s Angry.

Sharon Osbourne’s Normal Haircut.

Sharon Osbourne’s Institute Of Not Going Violently Apeshit At A Bimbo (Allegedly).

You know where to send the cheque, Sharon.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Don’t worry about it too much though, because taking dogs onto planes has its downsides – like, for instance, when the dog goes berserk and bites a flight attendant and she falls over and hurts her back and can’t work and sues you for $5 million. That’s what a flight attendant is claiming happened when Jennifer Lopez took her German Shepherd on a flight, anyway.

The lawsuit hasn’t gone through yet, so we don’t know if this savage dog attack really happened or not. But if it did, good for Jennifer Lopez. $5 million is a small sum to pay so long as it reminds the flight attendants of the world that when Jennifer Lopez wants her complimentary peanuts, she jolly well wants them now.

She might be blissfully in love with the man, but Jennifer Lopez hasn’t exactly had an easy time of it since she’s been with Marc Anthony, has she? First she had to deal with a tenuous implication with a tax scam, then a tenuous implication with a heroin dealer, and then the flipping man went and knocked her up.

But if that’s not enough, Marc Anthony has also started legally registering dogs in his name that may or may not go on to savage a flight attendant’s leg two years ago. What a sick bastard he is.

Or what an unsick non-bastard he isn’t, depending on whether the German Shepherd he owns with Jennifer Lopez ruined the professional career of flight attendant Lisa Wilson by biting her in 2006 or not.

Wilson certainly thinks it did – in a $5 million lawsuit, she’s claiming that a German Shepherd that Jennifer Lopez took onto a plane in 2006 reared up and savaged her in the leg, causing her to fall over and bugger up her back enough to get time off work as a result. The New York Daily News reports:

At first, only Lopez, was named in the court papers. But now her husband Marc Anthony has been added as a defendant after lawyers for her said he is the registered owner of the dog, called Floyd.

You what the problem is, don’t you. It’s that Jennifer Lopez isn’t playing by the rules. As a celebrity, all dogs she owns have to be small enough to fit into a handbag. Not only do they look cuter that way, but if one attacks you, you can easily break its jaw off or fling it under the wheels of an oncoming train or something.

But a German Shepherd? That’s hardly fair at all – unless of course we’ve got the wrong end of the stick and Lisa Wilson was attacked by the German man employed to look after Jennifer Lopez’s sheep. If that’s the case we’re only happy to take it all back.

It seems clear to us that if celebrity dogs are really going to start attacking flight attendants on planes, then it’s only fair that the flight attendants should be allowed to bring their own wolves onto planes to retaliate. We’ve thought this through and, although the only logical outcome of this scenario involves aeroplanes full of bears and dinosaurs attacking each other, it really is the only sensible thing to do.

Either way it’s a mess. Let’s hope Jennifer Lopez learns from this experience and restricts her future contact with animals to the ones that she mutilates purely to annoy Heather Mills. That way everyone wins.

The traditional image of a panda is that of a docile, bamboo-chewing furball with no real interest in reproduction or causing harm to its environment. How completely wrong that is. Pandas, you see, are vicious little tosspots.

When pandas attack humans – which they do – it’s not for food like if a shark attacks you, and it’s not for protection like if a snake attacks you. No, a panda will attack you because it’s just a bit pissed off. Or because it just really, really likes your jacket. Either way, set a panda free and it will kill you.

Believe the internet and you'll think that animals are adorable little fluffbaskets with big eyes that live in piles of laundry. They're not – animals are complete turds. This is It Will Kill You.

Think of tigers and what comes to mind? Tigger from Winnie the Pooh? Tony the Tiger from the Frosties adverts? Hobbes out of Calvin and Hobbes? Rubbish – give them a chance and tigers will kill you in a second. Bastards, the lot of them.

If a tiger decides to attack you, you don't stand a chance – zoning in on you at speeds of up to 40mph, the tiger will use its massive size and strength to take you down, tearing at your throat with its teeth and staying there until you've died of strangulation or – if you're small enough – it'll pierce your windpipe or break your spinal cord. Or maybe the tiger will just swipe at you with its paws, which are powerful enough to smash cattle skulls. 

However, the tiger will only usually attack humans when they've become too old and infirm to hunt regular prey. That's right, if a tiger kills you, you'll die knowing that it was a really crappy tiger.

Nelson Mandela has got nothing but pure undiluted joy for every single person in the whole wide world – or at least he would have, if Naomi Campbell wasn't such a massive angry bitch all the time.

There's a big concert being held in Hyde Park for Nelson Mandela's 90th birthday tomorrow, and Naomi Campbell was on call to introduce some of the acts. However, since her recent air rage conviction it's been reported that Nelson Mandela himself has personally intervened to remove Naomi Campbell from proceedings. Hopefully there's still time to replace Naomi with a friendlier celebrity – perhaps Amy Winehouse's husband or the ghost of Saparmurat Niyazov or something.

Hey, ever wondered what it'd take to turn Nelson Mandela into a dick? So have we – the man seems so benevolent and wise and compassionate that he's even managed to spend considerable lengths of time with Geri Halliwell without trying to smack her head off with the back of a shovel just to shut her up. He's an unflappable superman.

But what presses Nelson Mandela's buttons? Would he lose his shit if you kept poking him in the eye with a detached animal penis? Probably not. If you kept filling his shoes with gravel every time he turned his back? Again, probably not. If you sat three feet away from him playing the accordion as loudly as possible when he was trying to discuss ways to counter the spread of AIDS in Africa? No chance.

If you were arrested for furiously spitting at policemen on an aeroplane just because a bag with some of your stuff in it has gone missing? That's more like it. Nelson Mandela hates it when people do that. He hates it enough to personally intervene and publicly humiliate anyone who does it by uninviting them to his birthday party. 

And since Naomi Campbell is the only person on Earth who's done that lately, she's copped the full brunt of Mandela's grumpiness. Apparently Naomi Campbell was going to be used to introduce acts at Nelson Mandela's big birthday concert in Hyde Park tomorrow, but since she made such an arse of herself on the plane – and subsequently when she claimed she was just reacting to racism – she's apparently been told that her services are no longer required. The Press Association reports:

A source close to the concert said: "People were disappointed by what happened – in the past she had spoken to Mandela about her anger. It's not the behaviour of a charity ambassador. Mandela would have had a say. It's fair to say he was behind the decision. There's an aspect of him being upset by the whole situation."

What's probably most hurtful to Nelson Mandela is the fact that when Naomi Campbell was lashing out like a berserko fruitcake on the plane, she was wearing a baseball cap promoting Mandela's charity 46664. Attacking the police in a charity baseball cap never goes down particularly well, but we assumed that Naomi Campbell would have got away with it – surely most people assumed that 46664 was just a running total of servants who Naomi Campbell had punched in the face so far that week.

Anyway, full credit to Nelson Mandela for standing up to Naomi Campbell so bravely. His courage knows no bounds – because, honestly, 18 years in prison on an island is going to seem like nothing once Naomi Campbell hears about this snub and dedicates the rest of her life to trying to push a smartphone through one of his eye sockets.

And that, people, is because you're not surfers. Surfers, you see, love Matthew McConaughey. To them, he's like a shining example of what a surfer can become with nothing more than a handful of abnormally dreadful romcom scripts, some sort of baldness-reversing procedure and a string of girlfriends who don't really seem all that convincing.

And that's why, when a crowd of surfers saw a paparazzo taking pictures of Matthew McConaughey, they apparently beat him up and threw him into the sea. Proof, if proof was needed, that Fool's Gold might actually seem good if you've smacked yourself in the head with resin-coated Polyurethane enough times.

Everyone knows that the biggest plague affecting celebrities today is the paparazzi. They're always there, sneaking around, secretly validating the celebrity's overinflated sense of self-worth and simultaneously acting as impromptu carpark wrestling partners at the drop of a hat. Urgh, they make us sick.

Especially since it's not just big stars who get hounded by the paparazzi. Really crap stars who've never made a movie you've willingly paid to see are also plagued by them too, by which we obviously mean Matthew McConaughey and nobody else.

Sure, Matthew McConaughey might have, on occasion, done the odd thing to prompt the curiosity of the paparazzi – like not being gay and nothing else – but that doesn't mean that people can go around taking photos of him whenever they want to. And if they do, they'll have to be prepared to incur the wrath of a handful of soggy topless men who all speak like Michelangelo from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Which is to say that a bunch of surfers basically attacked a photographer for looking at Matthew McConaughey this weekend. The Los Angeles Times reports:

A paparazzo trying to photograph and videotape actor Matthew McConaughey at the beach Saturday told police he was attacked by a mob of surfers. "They formed a semicircle in front of his camera and they said they didn't want him to film," said Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department spokesman Steve Whitmore. "They got into an argument, and he indicated that he received injuries." 

TMZ has got a video of the incident, which is worth watching for this exchange alone:

Surfer: "Get a job!"

Paparazzo: "This is a job, what do you do?"

Surfer: "I fucking drink beer and party! Woohoohoohoo!"

Seriously, Matthew McConaughey, a paparazzo and a gang of deeply unpleasant-seeming surfers, and not a single frenzied attack by a swarm of maneating seals. We're disappointed in you, seals. No wonder you get clubbed so much.

It’s true, we read it in a book once. Wait, what’s that? It’s not the unassailable right of all British people to beat up a policeman in a strop? Oh, well that’s Naomi Campbell screwed, then.

Naomi Campbell has been charged with assault after her alleged screaming meltdown on a plane las month. If found guilty then Naomi could find herself saddled with a six-month jail sentence. According to her lawyer, Naomi Campbell wants these charges dealt with ‘expeditiously’ – which we think is polite speak for “Woaaargh! You titting prick-ends! It wasn’t me! Do you who I am? I’ll kill you! I’ll KILL YOU!” But don’t quote us on that.

Put certain things together and you’re asking for trouble, as anyone who’s ever tried weeing into a plugged-in toaster will happily attest. So putting Naomi Campbell into Heathrow airport was always going to be a mistake.

Maybe because it’s so relentlessly grim and tatty, Heathrow airport has something of a reputation for sending celebrities berserk. Whether it’s Snoop Dogg starting an actual violent riot or David Hasselhoff wetting himself and then staggering around all pee-pantsed, Heathrow seems to do something to normally mild-mannered personalities.

And that’s mild-mannered personalities, so just imagine what it’d do to Naomi Campbell – a woman who once destroyed a yacht with her bare hands because she didn’t like a certain type of salad. Who are we kidding? Everyone knows what it did to Naomi Campbell.

On April 3, after the Terminal Five bungle misplaced her luggage, Naomi Campbell apparently threw a great big wibble, screamed at everyone and assaulted some police officers with either her fists or wads of her saliva depending on what you read. Naomi’s been banned from British Airways as a result – something she’s protesting by not going on any more of its flights – but the big news is that yesterday she was formally charged with assault. The Mirror reports:

She was charged with three counts of assault, two of using threatening, abusive words or behaviour to cabin crew and one of disorderly conduct. The penalty for assaulting a constable is up to six months in jail or a fine of £5,000 … [Lawyer] Mr Nicholls said: “She’s bitterly disappointed that she is to be prosecuted. She respects the decision and hopes the matter is dealt with expeditiously.”

Being charged with assault must come as an awful shock to Naomi Campbell, who’s got absolutely no frame of reference for any of this, barring all those other times she’s previously been charged with assault, naturally. Who knows how she’ll react to this? Who said ‘violently’? Yes, we expect you’re probably right.

But Naomi Campbell has no need to worry, because hecklerspray is determined to throw its weight behind a campaign to keep Naomi Campbell out of jail. Because, let’s be fair, if Naomi Campbell spent six months in prison, then we’d be deprived of the 18 subnormal public batshit Campbell tantrums she’s got pencilled in for that period. And that’s just bad for business.

In the past, if anybody had been stupid enough to accuse Foxy Brown of any wrongdoing, they’d have to spend a week afterwards trying to pull their kneecaps out of their nostrils with a set of blood-splattered pliers.

But not any more. Now that she’s out of jail, Foxy Brown got to go to court to face charges over that time she punched her neighbour’s head in with a Blackberry. And rather than lie and gripe her way straight back to jail, Foxy Brown unusually pleaded guilty and apologised. So it finally looks as if Foxy Brown has learnt her lesson. That’s rubbish, what are we supposed to write about now?

It’s a sad day, really. It seems as though Foxy Brown is no longer the super-violent maniac she used to be. A while a go we’d be lucky to go a couple of days without hearing about how Foxy Brown had gone around kicking nail salon workers or starting a one-woman riot in a beauty supply store, but that’s all changed now.

Foxy Brown is now – gulp – pleading guilty to things she obviously did. It’s weird. It’s freaked us out a little.

Last year Foxy Brown got arrested for punching a woman in the face with a mobile phone, an incident which left the victim with a chipped tooth and a black eye. At the time Foxy Brown pleaded not guilty to the attack and things were left there, primarily because Foxy Brown was already in jail for being the world’s angriest woman.

However, her time in jail has made Foxy Brown see the light. Now that she’s free, Foxy was called into court again yesterday over the Blackberry incident and – rather than repeatedly change her story or fake a pregnancy to hope it’d keep her out of trouble as she’s done in the past – Foxy Brown was quick to plead guilty and apologise for being a bit mental. BBC News reports:

Appearing in a New York court, the 28-year-old admitted hitting Arlene Raymond during an argument over the volume of her car stereo last July. Brooklyn Supreme Court Judge John Walsh sentenced Marchand to time already served, issued an order of protection and ordered her to submit a letter of apology. In a hand-written note, the star said: “I apologize for the incident that occurred on 31 July 2007, in that I attempted to scare Arlene Raymond and place her in harm’s way.”

And immediately after admitting her crime, Foxy Brown left court and walked into the sunset to a chorus of chirping cartoon bluebirds and adorable baby deers dancing a happy little jig. For this, readers, is what happens when you’re so shit-scared of spending seven more years in jail that you’d admit to bloody anything.

It’s always a Blackberry, though, isn’t it? If a phone’s been used to smash someone in the face it’s always a Blackberry. God knows why – if Foxy Brown’s Blackberry is anything like ours, then she’d have kept pressing the stupid massive voice dialling button on the side by accident and the attack would have been punctuated by a stupid detached woman’s voice going “Say a command” again and again all the sodding time. Blackberries are stupid. No wonder Foxy Brown’s so angry all the time.

Anyway, the moral of the story is this – someone send us an iPhone.

Read more:

Foxy Brown guilty of phone charge - BBC News

The most carnivorous of all bears, the polar bear’s diet usually consists of seal and walrus, which the bear stalks and then kills by smashing its skull with its paws. But occasionally polar bears go after humans too, and although some survive the attacks, like the Yukon man who was lucky to escape with his life (images of his injuries are here, but they’re gross), many end up mauled to death. Stupid polar bears.

Many believe the creature takes human form by day, and lives among the people. Others believe he’s just a lonely, horny gay monster accidentally unleashed on the public back in the seventies. Whatever he is, we have more on him right here.

Wikipedia has a horrifying opening paragraph for the legend of Popobawa:

“Popobawa is variously described as either a ghost or ogre with gigantic bat wings and a giant penis. At times he is simply known as “Imran”. He is sometimes thought to be a shapeshifter who looks like an ordinary human during the day. His presence is usually announced by the sound of scraping claws on their roof and a sharp, pungent smell. Different from other incubus legends, Popobawa primarily attacks men and only in their own beds, resulting in many men sleeping outside in streets or on porches after recent reported attacks.

“He attacks men as they sleep, overpowering them, holding their face to the floor and sodomizing them for up to an hour. People who claim to be victims of Popobawa are mostly poorer residents on the island of Pemba, though other reports have also come from other islands and coastal Tanzania. The victims are threatened with repeated, and longer, sodomizations if they do not let their friends and neighbors know of their experience.”

Usually experiences with the beast happen in one on one scenarios as listed above. In the seventies though, he publicly addressed a group of people at once, using a possessed girl as a mouthpiece. During the speech many of those present claimed to hear a car engine ‘revving and rustling’ from a nearby roof.

A strange piece of the Papobawa story is that his attacks, according to some, spike during times of public office election. The BBC elaborates:

“In recent years the residents on the semi-autonomous Tanzanian islands claimed that Popo Bawa only visited the islanders during voting, such as in the contentious general elections in 1995 and 2000.”

Some argue a political connection. One victim who has spoken to the media about his ordeal is Mjaka Hamad, a fifty-something year old farmer, who said he could feel:

“…something pressing on me. I couldn’t imagine what sort of thing was happening to me. You feel as if you are screaming with no voice. It was just like a dream but then I was thinking it was this Popobawa and he had come to do something terrible to me, something sexual. It is worse than what he does to women. I don’t believe in spirits so maybe that’s why it attacked me. Maybe it will attack anybody who doesn’t believe.”

Well if that’s the only reason the beasty needs to attack your southside, then let us publicly acknowledge his existence. He is very much alive, and may or may not have a stake in the upcoming US Presidential election.

Read More:

The Skeptic-Raping Demon Of Zanzibar – The Committee For Skeptical Inquiry

So god bless Howard Stern’s tubby and slightly psychotic-seeming sidekick Artie Lange for having an honestly disturbing argument with his assistant, before apparently trying to attack him and then resigning, all live on air. It’s what we’ve wanted to happen to Chris Moyles for years. Hats off to you, Artie Lange, you crazy, crazy bastard.

And, yes, we’ve got the whole of Artie Lange’s berserkoid meltdown after the jump.

This is the difference between Britain and America – in America, radio shows are in part hosted by aggressive chainsmoking overweight ex-convicts with debilitating cocaine and heroin addictions, while in Britain they’re hosted by Jo Whiley. America sounds better, to be honest.

And as far as aggressive chainsmoking overweight ex-convicts with debilitating cocaine and heroin addictions go, none were better than Howard Stern’s sidekick Artie Lange, for he was fatter and more aggressive than everyone else put together. We say was – technically he is still fat and aggressive, but he just isn’t Howard Stern’s sidekick any more.

That’s because, at some point during yesterday’s show, Artie Lange got into a fight with his assistant that spilled out into the studio, ended up with Artie Lange apparently trying to attack the assistant and then caused Lange’s immediate on-air resignation. Which, it’s fair to say, sounds slightly more exciting than The Archers. The Chicago Sun Times reports:

Comedian Artie Lange quit his 7-year-run as Howard Stern’s sidekick during a violent outburst on Thursday’s Sirius Satellite Radio broadcast… The incident appears to have left the “shock jock” Stern stunned. Replays of the show scheduled throughout Thursday were replaced with programming from earlier in the week. “I’m flabbergasted … Artie is clearly out of control with this,” Stern said on the air after Lange charged after his assistant in what the comic claimed was a dispute over money. “That was crazy what I just saw. I don’t understand it. I don’t approve of it and I don’t know what I’m going to do about it.”

But that’s enough reading for you. You want to hear Artie Lange going going apeshit and resigning on air, don’t you. Well, OK, here it is – Artie Lange’s meltdown in all its glory.

Personally, we can’t see what the problem is – if a grown man can’t call his employee a motherfucker and try to attack him in front of millions of listeners then can he really call himself a man?

However, this weird on-air incident has left Howard Stern with the problem of finding a suitable replacement for Artie Lange. He’ll need to find someone who’ll effortlessly slip into Artie Lange’s old role and have the same kind of persona and attitudes. And that’ll be hard, because foul-mouthed crack-addicted grizzly attack-bears have been quite hard to come by since the fall of the Soviet Union.

Read more:

Howard Stern’s sidekick quits show - CST

Instead, Naomi Campbell has walked away with nothing more than a caution – the slap on the wrist usually doled out to naughty schoolboys.

But a punishment is a punishment, and Naomi Campbell will no doubt learn some very important lessons on to become a better person from it. Or she'll try and genetically bind her DNA with that of a dilophosaurus so that the next time she spits at a policemen her acidic saliva will melt his eyes and leave him vulnerable enough for her to slash open his belly with her ferocious talons. Which is probably more likely.

The recent botched opening of Heathrow's Terminal 5 left many officials with egg on their faces. But one lucky official was able to wipe the egg off his face because he could use Naomi Campbell's hawked-up greenies as a manky lubricant, the lucky sod.

You'll remember from last week that Naomi Campbell was arrested at Heathrow because her baggage went missing and she got angry – a reaction that nobody could have possibly expected from someone as dainty as Naomi Campbell.

At the time it was reported that Naomi Campbell was arrested for assaulting a police officer, leading us to believe that she'd either torn his jaw out or snapped him in half and drank his spinal fluid. However, it later emerged that Naomi merely spat at the officer, which is a bit lame given that she once smashed a boat up because she didn't like the kind of cheese that a waiter offered her. 

And now it's turned out that Naomi Campbell has been cautioned for the spit-attack, meaning that she'll escape any changes for it. Marie Claire reports:

The quick-tempered supermodel is currently free on bail following her arrest and removal from an LA-bound flight at Heathrow's troubled Terminal 5 last week. She risked being charged with an aggravated felony by police, after allegedly spitting at an officer, and legal experts predicted the charge could have resulted in a US visa ban, preventing her from modelling in the States. But police are reportedly not looking to take further action against the catwalk star – if she accepts a caution. A police source told a tabloid: 'The Crown Prosecution Service will be consulted, but the expected outcome is a caution.' 

Now, admittedly Naomi Campbell spitting at a policeman isn't a particularly serious offense, but that's only on Naomi Campbell's sliding scale of terrifying violence. A glob of phlegm won't do the same amount of damage as, say, a mobile phone that's been hurtled at your skull at the speed of light. But, still, a simple caution seems to be nothing more than a green light for Naomi Campbell to continue her horrific reign of atrocities.

A caution might seem like the simplest option to end this mess now, but we'd just like the police to know that when Naomi Campbell inevitably catapults a petrol tanker into the side of a primary school because someone didn't compliment her on her nice new hat sincerely enough, then they'll have nobody to blame but themselves.

Read more:

Naomi Campbell cautioned over 'assault' – Marie Claire 

Wait, sorry, that's a typo. That last bit should have read 'everything makes Naomi Campbell angry. Everything. Even buttercups and pictures of big-eyed bunny rabbits. Everything.' Sorry.

So Naomi Campbell got angry at Heathrow airport. How angry? Arrested for attacking a policeman angry. That's good anger but not great anger, Naomi, and we're a little bit disappointed. Next time try kicking a wing off or hiding a bomb in your shoe or something.

There's a set of basic rules that you need to follow should you encounter Naomi Campbell. 1) Don't look her in the eye. 2) Similarly, don't look away from her. 3) Never smile at Naomi Campbell because she sees bared teeth as an aggressive threat, much like several wild animals do. 4) Always always for the love of God always do everything that Naomi Campbell asks whatever it is, just don't let her hurt your children.

Oh, and try not to lose Naomi Campbell's luggage. She goes apeshit when that happens. But nobody would be stupid enough to do tha… whatnow? Airport staff at Heathrow's newly-opened Terminal 5 misplaced Naomi Campbell's luggage? Gulp.

Actually, you know what, Naomi Campbell has been legally punished for her violent behaviour before, so we're sure she reacted to this news with grace and mature dignit… huh? She attacked a policeman? Well, yes, we suppose that sounds about right. Sky reports:

Supermodel Naomi Campbell has been released on bail pending further inquiries after being questioned by police following her arrest at Heathrow airport on suspicion of assaulting a police officer. Passengers watched as police officers boarded the flight after what witnesses said involved a dispute over luggage. They said the model… was aggressive and abusive to staff and police. A Scotland Yard spokesman said: "At 17.11 we were alerted to a disturbance at Terminal 5 where officers attended. Subsequently a 37-year-old woman was arrested on suspicion of assaulting a police officer and taken to Heathrow police station."

Well, duh. You people lost her luggage. This is Naomi Campbell we're talking about here, the woman who punched a boat into driftwood because someone offered her a plate of mozzarella and tomato slices. What were you expecting? A hug? Well we've got news for you – Naomi Campbell doesn't hug anyone unless she's overpowering them into submission so that she can dislocate her jaw and swallow them whole afterwards. Seriously, that police officer should just be thankful that he's not pulling a smartphone out of his skull right now.

But although Naomi Campbell being arrested on suspicion of assault is actually a bit of a backstep as far as her behavioural rehabilitation goes, there's also a lot of good to be taken from it. For example, now that a thin woman has had a tantrum about it, perhaps the Terminal 5 officials will finally get their act together and sort out the luggage problem. After all, 14,000 people may have lost their luggage, but don't forget that a supermodel is worth 14,001 normal people.

What's more, maybe the Naomi Campbell arrest goes to show what a fantastic anti-terrorism device she is. After all, would you hijack a flight if Naomi Campbell was onboard going mental at everything at the same time? No, no you wouldn't. You'd be too busy shitting it. Not even the promise of 72 heavenly virgins in the afterlife is worth getting a thick ear from Naomi Campbell.

Read more:

Naomi Arrested On Suspicion Of Assault – Sky 

After all, anyone who's ever been to the east end of London knows that every five or six weeks a gang of unconvincing, slightly-too-theatrical thugs burst into the local pub for no real reason and kick a pregnant woman over.

That exact thing happened on EastEnders not so long ago, and now Ofcom has criticised the episode. Not because of the unusual and irresponsible level of pre-watershed violence, though – but because it was honestly the single most rubbish thing to appear on television in the last 12 months, other than the failed BBC2 pilot Look! Adrian Chiles In A Bikini! And because of the violence too, actually. A bit.

Ladies, here's a warning – if you ever find yourself pregnant on EastEnders, get out of town as quickly as you can. It doesn't matter where you go – George Street, Up West – but just don't stick around. EastEnders hates pregnant women, so in that respect it's just like the Lost island, only with more depressed pikeys.

If you're pregnant on EastEnders, it means your husband is either doing it with a bruised headed market-stall Gollum, or it means that a mental doctor is going to try to slice open your stomach even though people at home are trying to eat their dinner, or it means that a weird gang of deeply unrealistic football hooligans led by Lenny Henry's put-upon assistant from the Premier Inn adverts are going to kick you over a beer barrel. 

On November 13 last year, that's exactly what happened during an episode of EastEnders. An entire episode was dedicated to showing what it looks like when a group of posh, overly theatrical gasbags are employed to smash up a pub using one episode of The Bill from 1986 as their sole reference point to what poor people are like.

And that episode of EastEnders was violent. Unusually so. If you missed it, here are some edited highlights. In particular, look out for the 19 second mark, the 33 second mark, 49 seconds, 1:25, 2:42, 2:53, 3:30, 7:02 and 7:09. Not because they're violent, but because in years to come historians will pinpoint these moments as the least-convincing pieces of acting in all of television history…

Violent, huh? Distressing, you might even say. Or rubbish. Rubbish is also accurate. Anyway, Ofcom certainly agrees with the violent part – it got 78 complaints from viewers about the episode, who we imagine were all so alarmed by the Sidekick Thug's rubbery goon face that they all started crying. And Ofcom has upheld the complaints, saying:

"Although EastEnders is not made specifically for children it does attract a significant child audience, and any portrayal of violence needs to be carefully considered. The programme started with the gang attack on the Queen Vic. This involved a sustained, intense and high level of violence, destroying parts of the pub with hammers and bottles and glasses smashing into the furniture, to intimidate the locals, some of whom were injured. Regular viewers of EastEnders are aware that this soap deals, on occasions, with tough social issues. This is balanced, however, with the expectation that it will be suitable for children to view, who form a significant minority of the audience."

Yeah, that told you!

Now, with its wrist slapped, EastEnders will have to heed Ofcom's warning unless it wants another tongue-lashing. Maybe a rethink is in order, which is why we demand that EastEnders sacks all the characters with a violent past immediately and replaces them with an adorable little puppy that can't stop sneezing. It's the only way.

Read more: 

EastEnders violence ruled out of order – Guardian