If there is one thing in our life that has been missing of late, it’s actual video footage of things that will probably hold up in court on the day Sharon Osbourne finds herself sitting in close proximity to both a lawyer and one of those really long, wooden defence tables.
Its not missing any more though – not one bit. That’s because the VH1 footage of the odd fist-filled incident was either legally aired, or it just slimed its way across the internet like a slug on a salty sidewalk. Surely you remember – we told you all about all the strangeness not too long ago. It harkens back to the glory days of Jerry Springer, and we think you might enjoy it.
Just because Sharon Osbourne’s face looks more and more like a novelty eraser shaped like a pineapple, you shouldn’t mess with her.
No, really, you shouldn’t mess with Sharon Osbourne. And you shouldn’t not mess with Sharon Osbourne, either. Because if you mess with Sharon Osbourne – or don’t mess with Sharon Osbourne – then you’ll end up getting attacked by her. Or not getting attacked by her.
Vague enough? Good. Because Sharon Osbourne is being investigated by police after allegedly attacking a reality TV show contestant who may or may not called Ozzy Osbourne ‘braindead’. We hope that clears things up.
Reason why Jennifer Lopez is better than you: She gets to take dogs onto planes, but you can’t even take a medium-sized bottle of Timotei.
Don’t worry about it too much though, because taking dogs onto planes has its downsides – like, for instance, when the dog goes berserk and bites a flight attendant and she falls over and hurts her back and can’t work and sues you for $5 million. That’s what a flight attendant is claiming happened when Jennifer Lopez took her German Shepherd on a flight, anyway.
The lawsuit hasn’t gone through yet, so we don’t know if this savage dog attack really happened or not. But if it did, good for Jennifer Lopez. $5 million is a small sum to pay so long as it reminds the flight attendants of the world that when Jennifer Lopez wants her complimentary peanuts, she jolly well wants them now.
Listen to the internet and you’ll think that animals are lovable creatures with wrinkly noses and big adorable eyes. They’re not. They’re arseholes. This is It Will Kill You.
The traditional image of a panda is that of a docile, bamboo-chewing furball with no real interest in reproduction or causing harm to its environment. How completely wrong that is. Pandas, you see, are vicious little tosspots.
When pandas attack humans – which they do – it’s not for food like if a shark attacks you, and it’s not for protection like if a snake attacks you. No, a panda will attack you because it’s just a bit pissed off. Or because it just really, really likes your jacket. Either way, set a panda free and it will kill you.
Believe the internet and you'll think that animals are adorable little fluffbaskets with big eyes that live in piles of laundry. They're not – animals are complete turds. This is It Will Kill You.
Think of tigers and what comes to mind? Tigger from Winnie the Pooh? Tony the Tiger from the Frosties adverts? Hobbes out of Calvin and Hobbes? Rubbish – give them a chance and tigers will kill you in a second. Bastards, the lot of them.
If a tiger decides to attack you, you don't stand a chance – zoning in on you at speeds of up to 40mph, the tiger will use its massive size and strength to take you down, tearing at your throat with its teeth and staying there until you've died of strangulation or – if you're small enough – it'll pierce your windpipe or break your spinal cord. Or maybe the tiger will just swipe at you with its paws, which are powerful enough to smash cattle skulls.
However, the tiger will only usually attack humans when they've become too old and infirm to hunt regular prey. That's right, if a tiger kills you, you'll die knowing that it was a really crappy tiger.
Nelson Mandela is probably the closest thing to a living saint we've got – he's so kindly and warm, like Santa Claus, the Werther's Original grandpa and Ronald McDonald all rolled into one.
Nelson Mandela has got nothing but pure undiluted joy for every single person in the whole wide world – or at least he would have, if Naomi Campbell wasn't such a massive angry bitch all the time.
There's a big concert being held in Hyde Park for Nelson Mandela's 90th birthday tomorrow, and Naomi Campbell was on call to introduce some of the acts. However, since her recent air rage conviction it's been reported that Nelson Mandela himself has personally intervened to remove Naomi Campbell from proceedings. Hopefully there's still time to replace Naomi with a friendlier celebrity – perhaps Amy Winehouse's husband or the ghost of Saparmurat Niyazov or something.
Admit it – if you ever saw Matthew McConaughey in any kind of physical peril, you'd leave him to it, perhaps silently rooting for the physical peril.
And that, people, is because you're not surfers. Surfers, you see, love Matthew McConaughey. To them, he's like a shining example of what a surfer can become with nothing more than a handful of abnormally dreadful romcom scripts, some sort of baldness-reversing procedure and a string of girlfriends who don't really seem all that convincing.
And that's why, when a crowd of surfers saw a paparazzo taking pictures of Matthew McConaughey, they apparently beat him up and threw him into the sea. Proof, if proof was needed, that Fool's Gold might actually seem good if you've smacked yourself in the head with resin-coated Polyurethane enough times.
Did you know it’s the unassailable right of all British people to attack and abuse police officers if their luggage goes missing on a plane?
It’s true, we read it in a book once. Wait, what’s that? It’s not the unassailable right of all British people to beat up a policeman in a strop? Oh, well that’s Naomi Campbell screwed, then.
Naomi Campbell has been charged with assault after her alleged screaming meltdown on a plane las month. If found guilty then Naomi could find herself saddled with a six-month jail sentence. According to her lawyer, Naomi Campbell wants these charges dealt with ‘expeditiously’ – which we think is polite speak for “Woaaargh! You titting prick-ends! It wasn’t me! Do you who I am? I’ll kill you! I’ll KILL YOU!” But don’t quote us on that.
In the past, if anybody had been stupid enough to accuse Foxy Brown of any wrongdoing, they’d have to spend a week afterwards trying to pull their kneecaps out of their nostrils with a set of blood-splattered pliers.
But not any more. Now that she’s out of jail, Foxy Brown got to go to court to face charges over that time she punched her neighbour’s head in with a Blackberry. And rather than lie and gripe her way straight back to jail, Foxy Brown unusually pleaded guilty and apologised. So it finally looks as if Foxy Brown has learnt her lesson. That’s rubbish, what are we supposed to write about now?
Polar bears are arseholes. Yes, they look adorable and they advertise mints and they’re a heartbreaking symbol of global warming, but they’re also arseholes. Because they will kill you.
If there is one thing in our life that has been missing of late, it’s actual video footage of things that will probably hold up in court on the day Sharon Osbourne finds herself sitting in close proximity to both a lawyer and one of those really long, wooden defence tables. 
