Articles tagged with: celebrity attack
If there is one thing in our life that has been missing of late, it's actual video footage of things that will probably hold up in court on the day Sharon Osbourne finds herself sitting in close proximity to both a lawyer and one of those really long, wooden defence tables. Its not missing any more though - not one ...
Just because Sharon Osbourne's face looks more and more like a novelty eraser shaped like a pineapple, you shouldn't mess with her. No, really, you shouldn't mess with Sharon Osbourne. And you shouldn't not mess with Sharon Osbourne, either. Because if you mess with Sharon Osbourne - or don't mess with Sharon Osbourne - then you'll end up getting attacked by her. Or not getting attacked by her. Vague enough? Good. Because Sharon Osbourne is being investigated by police after allegedly attacking a reality TV show contestant who may or may not called Ozzy Osbourne 'braindead'. We hope that clears things up.
Reason why Jennifer Lopez is better than you: She gets to take dogs onto planes, but you can't even take a medium-sized bottle of Timotei. Don't worry about it too much though, because taking dogs onto planes has its downsides - like, for instance, when the dog goes berserk and bites a flight attendant and she falls over and hurts her back and can't work and sues you for $5 million. That's what a flight attendant is claiming happened when Jennifer Lopez took her German Shepherd on a flight, anyway. The lawsuit hasn't gone through yet, so we don't know if this savage dog attack really happened or not. But if it did, good for Jennifer Lopez. $5 million is a small sum to pay so long as it reminds the flight attendants of the world that when Jennifer Lopez wants her complimentary peanuts, she jolly well wants them now.
Believe the internet and you'll think that animals are adorable little fluffbaskets with big eyes that live in piles of laundry. They're not - animals are complete turds. This is It Will Kill You.
Think of tigers and what comes to mind? Tigger from Winnie the Pooh? Tony the Tiger from the Frosties adverts? Hobbes out of Calvin and
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Nelson Mandela is probably the closest thing to a living saint we've got - he's so kindly and warm, like Santa Claus, the Werther's Original grandpa and Ronald McDonald all rolled into one.
Nelson Mandela has got nothing but pure undiluted joy for every single person in the whole wide world - or at least he would have, if Naomi Campbell wasn't such a massive angry bitch all the time.
There's a big concert being held in Hyde Park for Nelson Mandela's 90th birthday tomorrow, and Naomi Campbell was on call to introduce some of the acts. However, since her recent air rage conviction it's been reported that Nelson Mandela himself has personally intervened to remove Naomi Campbell from proceedings. Hopefully there's still time to replace Naomi with a friendlier celebrity - perhaps Amy Winehouse's husband or the ghost of Saparmurat Niyazov or something.
Admit it - if you ever saw Matthew McConaughey in any kind of physical peril, you'd leave him to it, perhaps silently rooting for the physical peril.
And that, people, is because you're not surfers. Surfers, you see, love Matthew McConaughey. To them, he's like a shining example of what a surfer can become with nothing more than a handful of abnormally dreadful romcom scripts, some sort of baldness-reversing procedure and a string of girlfriends who don't really seem all that convincing.
And that's why, when a crowd of surfers saw a paparazzo taking pictures of Matthew McConaughey, they apparently beat him up and threw him into the sea. Proof, if proof was needed, that Fool's Gold might actually seem good if you've smacked yourself in the head with resin-coated Polyurethane enough times.
Did you know it's the unassailable right of all British people to attack and abuse police officers if their luggage goes missing on a plane? It's true, we read it in a book once. Wait, what's that? It's not the unassailable right of all British people to beat up a policeman in a strop? Oh, well that's Naomi Campbell screwed, then. Naomi Campbell has been charged with assault after her alleged screaming meltdown on a plane las month. If found guilty then Naomi could find herself saddled with a six-month jail sentence. According to her lawyer, Naomi Campbell wants these charges dealt with 'expeditiously' - which we think is polite speak for "Woaaargh! You titting prick-ends! It wasn't me! Do you who I am? I'll kill you! I'll KILL YOU!" But don't quote us on that.
