celebrity attack - HecklerSpray

Video: Sharon Osbourne ‘Attacks’ Liquid Covered, Bikini-Clad Possible Man

March 24th, 2009 By Shawn Lindseth

If there is one thing in our life that has been missing of late, it’s actual video footage of things that will probably hold up in court on the day Sharon Osbourne finds herself sitting in close proximity to both a lawyer and one of those really long, wooden defence tables.

Its not missing any more though – not one bit. That’s because the VH1 footage of the odd fist-filled incident was either legally aired, or it just slimed its way across the internet like a slug on a salty sidewalk. Surely you remember – we told you all about all the strangeness not too long ago. It harkens back to the glory days of Jerry Springer, and we think you might enjoy it.

Sharon Osbourne Investigated For Reality Show ‘Thump Attack’

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Just because Sharon Osbourne’s face looks more and more like a novelty eraser shaped like a pineapple, you shouldn’t mess with her.

No, really, you shouldn’t mess with Sharon Osbourne. And you shouldn’t not mess with Sharon Osbourne, either. Because if you mess with Sharon Osbourne – or don’t mess with Sharon Osbourne – then you’ll end up getting attacked by her. Or not getting attacked by her.

Vague enough? Good. Because Sharon Osbourne is being investigated by police after allegedly attacking a reality TV show contestant who may or may not called Ozzy Osbourne ‘braindead’. We hope that clears things up.

Jennifer Lopez Sued Over Alleged Doggy Chomp Attack

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Reason why Jennifer Lopez is better than you: She gets to take dogs onto planes, but you can’t even take a medium-sized bottle of Timotei.

Don’t worry about it too much though, because taking dogs onto planes has its downsides – like, for instance, when the dog goes berserk and bites a flight attendant and she falls over and hurts her back and can’t work and sues you for $5 million. That’s what a flight attendant is claiming happened when Jennifer Lopez took her German Shepherd on a flight, anyway.

The lawsuit hasn’t gone through yet, so we don’t know if this savage dog attack really happened or not. But if it did, good for Jennifer Lopez. $5 million is a small sum to pay so long as it reminds the flight attendants of the world that when Jennifer Lopez wants her complimentary peanuts, she jolly well wants them now.

It Will Kill You: Panda

July 30th, 2008 By Stuart Heritage

Listen to the internet and you’ll think that animals are lovable creatures with wrinkly noses and big adorable eyes. They’re not. They’re arseholes. This is It Will Kill You.

The traditional image of a panda is that of a docile, bamboo-chewing furball with no real interest in reproduction or causing harm to its environment. How completely wrong that is. Pandas, you see, are vicious little tosspots.

When pandas attack humans – which they do – it’s not for food like if a shark attacks you, and it’s not for protection like if a snake attacks you. No, a panda will attack you because it’s just a bit pissed off. Or because it just really, really likes your jacket. Either way, set a panda free and it will kill you.

It Will Kill You: Tiger

July 2nd, 2008 By Stuart Heritage

Believe the internet and you'll think that animals are adorable little fluffbaskets with big eyes that live in piles of laundry. They're not – animals are complete turds. This is It Will Kill You.

Think of tigers and what comes to mind? Tigger from Winnie the Pooh? Tony the Tiger from the Frosties adverts? Hobbes out of Calvin and Hobbes? Rubbish – give them a chance and tigers will kill you in a second. Bastards, the lot of them.

Nelson Mandela Gives Naomi Campbell The Birthday Boot

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Nelson Mandela is probably the closest thing to a living saint we've got – he's so kindly and warm, like Santa Claus, the Werther's Original grandpa and Ronald McDonald all rolled into one.

Nelson Mandela has got nothing but pure undiluted joy for every single person in the whole wide world – or at least he would have, if Naomi Campbell wasn't such a massive angry bitch all the time.

There's a big concert being held in Hyde Park for Nelson Mandela's 90th birthday tomorrow, and Naomi Campbell was on call to introduce some of the acts. However, since her recent air rage conviction it's been reported that Nelson Mandela himself has personally intervened to remove Naomi Campbell from proceedings. Hopefully there's still time to replace Naomi with a friendlier celebrity – perhaps Amy Winehouse's husband or the ghost of Saparmurat Niyazov or something.

Fear Not Matthew McConaughey, Aggressive Surfer-Types Have Your Back

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Admit it – if you ever saw Matthew McConaughey in any kind of physical peril, you'd leave him to it, perhaps silently rooting for the physical peril.

And that, people, is because you're not surfers. Surfers, you see, love Matthew McConaughey. To them, he's like a shining example of what a surfer can become with nothing more than a handful of abnormally dreadful romcom scripts, some sort of baldness-reversing procedure and a string of girlfriends who don't really seem all that convincing.

And that's why, when a crowd of surfers saw a paparazzo taking pictures of Matthew McConaughey, they apparently beat him up and threw him into the sea. Proof, if proof was needed, that Fool's Gold might actually seem good if you've smacked yourself in the head with resin-coated Polyurethane enough times.

Naomi Campbell Charged With Being A Scary Old Airport Nutjob

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Did you know it’s the unassailable right of all British people to attack and abuse police officers if their luggage goes missing on a plane?

It’s true, we read it in a book once. Wait, what’s that? It’s not the unassailable right of all British people to beat up a policeman in a strop? Oh, well that’s Naomi Campbell screwed, then.

Naomi Campbell has been charged with assault after her alleged screaming meltdown on a plane las month. If found guilty then Naomi could find herself saddled with a six-month jail sentence. According to her lawyer, Naomi Campbell wants these charges dealt with ‘expeditiously’ – which we think is polite speak for “Woaaargh! You titting prick-ends! It wasn’t me! Do you who I am? I’ll kill you! I’ll KILL YOU!” But don’t quote us on that.

Foxy Brown Sorry For That Old Phone-Bludgeoning Thing

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Jail has changed Foxy Brown, that’s for sure.

In the past, if anybody had been stupid enough to accuse Foxy Brown of any wrongdoing, they’d have to spend a week afterwards trying to pull their kneecaps out of their nostrils with a set of blood-splattered pliers.

But not any more. Now that she’s out of jail, Foxy Brown got to go to court to face charges over that time she punched her neighbour’s head in with a Blackberry. And rather than lie and gripe her way straight back to jail, Foxy Brown unusually pleaded guilty and apologised. So it finally looks as if Foxy Brown has learnt her lesson. That’s rubbish, what are we supposed to write about now?

It Will Kill You: Polar Bear

April 29th, 2008 By Stuart Heritage

Polar bears are arseholes. Yes, they look adorable and they advertise mints and they’re a heartbreaking symbol of global warming, but they’re also arseholes. Because they will kill you.

The most carnivorous of all bears, the polar bear’s diet usually consists of seal and walrus, which the bear stalks and then kills by smashing its skull with its paws. But occasionally polar bears go after humans too, and although some survive the attacks, like the Yukon man who was lucky to escape with his life (images of his injuries are here, but they’re gross), many end up mauled to death. Stupid polar bears.