5 – What? You want 10 videos of famous people falling over? OK! – Best Week Ever

4 - Jason Lee doesn’t know if his own daughter has a name or not, the hairy-faced Scientology clodge – Monsters And Critics

3 - What? You want to know how to make a Ninja Blinding Egg? OK! - Instructables

2 - If we’re not here next week, it’s because we’ve become professional pie tasters. They still have vacancies, so you should apply too and then we can, you know, hang out and stuff – BBC

1 - Will Ferrell talks to his fans online. It sounds like some of you may have written the bulk of the questions…

Thousands of new creatures are uncovered every year, and scientists only have so many dogs and kids to inspire them.

So why not delve into the murky world of celebrity? Why not name a new type of predator after your favourite band? Why not christen a new species of maggot after your least favourite? In fact, back in Hecklerspray HQ we have discovered a new type of fungus growing out of one of our unwashed cups. Please free to write in with your suggestions, but at the moment we are leaning towards Sting or Elizabeth Hurley.

1. Neil Young
Have you ever associated trapdoor spiders with peace and justice? No, us neither. But when US biologist James Bond (yes, that really is his name) discovered a new type of arachnid, he felt compelled to call it after his favourite musician Neil Young. Why? “Because I have a great appreciation for him as an activist for peace and justice,” was his reply, after naming his eight-legged discovery Myrmekiaphilia neilyoungi. We don’t know about you, but this seems like a wasted opportunity. We love Neil Young, but if you are going to name an animal after him, shouldn’t it have been a llama or at least something which smells and looks like a tramp as pissed on it?

2. Sting
Now, this is another wasted opportunity, as far as we are concerned. We can think of a thousand disgusting things we would like to name Sting. But in 1994, a scientist – in recognition of the ’singer’s’ ceaseless campaigning to save the rainforests – named a new type of Colombian tree frog after him. Now we love frogs here at Hecklerspray, but if a Hyla stingi comes anyway near our vicinity it will die – horribly. Harsh? Maybe. But it ain’t easy being green, and, besides, it probably has a really annoying croak.

3. George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld
Now, this is more like it. We can’t think of a better trio to name after slime-mould beetles. Apparently, Agathidium bushi, A cheneyi and A rumsfeldi are suing for defamation.

4. Boris Becker
Let’s face it, the German tennis star has always been a bit slimy. So when a new kind of sea snail was found in 1996, the scientist knew just the celebrity to name it after. Apparently, Bufonaria borisbeckeri is also a well-known shagger.

5. Elvis Presley
We can’t believe an Elvis-mad scientist actually managed to get away with calling a new wasp he discovered in 1994 after his favourite song. Its name? Preseucoila imallshookupis .

6. The Ramones
Four new arthropod fossils were discovered in 1997 and named after the members of the US punk band.
Feel free to insert your own jokes about Mackenziurus johnnyi, Mjoeyi, M deedeei amd M ceejayi.

7. Arnold Schwarzenegger
In 2002, a carapid beetle was named Agra schwarzeneggeri because of its particularly impressive bicep-like middle leg section. Should have gone for Linford Christie.

Source: ShortList magazine

It didn't get that far. Apparently – according to those 'publisher'-types – children just aren't interested in post-New Labour reinterpretations of Milton Friedman's economic theorising. Apparently that's all a bit 'complex' for them, and we'd be much better off with some predictable tract about a cat looking for a balloon. Christ almighty – no wonder they're all so stupid, the pram-dwelling little bastards.

God bless those celebrities, then, eh? God bless 'em. Better than us mere mortals in every way, they've decided to show us how it's done.

52 famous public figures are getting together to pen a children's book for the NSPCC. Once Upon A Time will see each celebrity scribbling out ten lines of the story, with possibly only a couple of them getting detention for writing 'and then he did a big poo' or 'and then his willy got trapped' or something. Russell Brand, we're looking at you. We've seen your routine – that's kind of about the level you work at, isn't it?

The story will be started by former Blur guitarist Alex James, most recently seen embarrassing himself to bits on a particularly cringeworthy Question Time ('politics is, like, well complex and stuff, y'know?'), and currently spending most his time carving out a niche as a Last Of The Summer Wine extra. Terrifyingly, the inspiration for the story is said to emerge from Blur hit Country House – a proposition roughly as disturbing as a movie based on Hey Dude by Kula Shaker. 

James's story revolves around: 

'… a big house in the country, inhabited by a wealthy Duke. But in typical fairy-tale style, the house is something of a fantastical creation and has cellars full of wheels of the finest cheese – possibly inspired by Little Wallop, the cheese produced by the Indie musician on his farm in the Cotswolds.'

Even more bewildering than that? Try this: 

'James' contribution ends with the arrival of four children at the very big house – an influence from one of his favourite childhood authors, Enid Blyton. But it is up to Radio One's Sara Cox to decide their fate.'

Presumably their fate involves having to sit through a godawful Breakfast Radio Show, gnashing their tiny teeth as they struggle to cope with a flow of mediocre indie records and the wittering of a public-school-educated daddy's girl trying to sound like Nora Batty (two Last Of The Summer Wine references in one article? Jumping Jesus, we're on top form today).

Other celebs taking part in the storython include KT Tunstall, Linford Christie and fashion designer Henry Holland (nope, us neither). Rumours as to whether Tunstall's contribution will be as exciting as her music – i.e on a similar level as watching an old lady make her way to the Post Office – have yet to be confirmed.

Do keep an eye out for Wayne Rooney's section, though. It's quite interesting – he's opted to simply draw a nice big picture of a smiley Sun in a big blue sky. Almost as though he was having trouble with the words or something.

Can't think why that would be.

Read More:

Celebs Pen Children's Charity Book – DailySnack

And that's why Madonna recently invited every single famous person alive to the United Nations to help raise money to save Malawi.

A noble gesture, sure, but not especially long-sighted – because now that Madonna's helping to get Malawi richer, she's effectively reducing the number of penniless illiterate Malawian widowers who she can confuse into letting her adopt their children in the future. Silly Madonna.

With the writers' strike threatening awards shows left right and centre, there haven't really been that many chances for lots of very famous people to mill around each other while silently cursing because Demi Moore's ankles are fractionally thinner than their own – but luckily Madonna has saved the day.

And it's all thanks to the shitty time that everyone in Malawi is having. On Wednesday night Madonna was the host of a party at the United Nations designed to help her charity Raising Malawi and UNICEF, and the place was overflowing with big names all dressed up to the nines, even if we suspect that most of them think that Malawi is a character from The Lion King. E! Online reports:

"I want to put Raising Malawi on the map," Madonna told E! News on why she decided to host the fund-raising evening. "I want to help vulnerable children around the world and to get other people to do the same." The evening was a combination dinner and live auction to raise money for the charity, followed by a cocktail party complete with requisite A-list musical guests… "I think it's incredible. It's so inspiring, and it makes everything else not seem so important and that's why we're here," [Gwen] Stefani told E! News.

There's a pretty good chance that Gwen Stefani was talking about jotting down what Madonna was wearing and then ripping it off on the cover of her next album rather than the whole Malawi thing, but let's not worry about that.

The biggest draw of the night was Madonna's auction, where people paid $350,000 for a trip to a sports stadium and a football lesson from David Beckham. The best result of the evening, though, was the 'tour with Madonna and then have a dancing lesson with Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow' lot, where someone effectively paid $600,000 to watch Madonna annoy the Pope and only ever shit through a brand-new toilet seat.

All in all, Madonna's Malwai party raised $3.7 million, even if it drew criticism for all the blatant advertising for Gucci plastered everywhere. Although it's not known where all the money raised will go, it's thought that it'll be split 50/50 between inhumanely punishing the people in Malawi who didn't want her to adopt David Banda a couple of years ago and erecting a giant wall around the perimeter of the country to stop Angelina Jolie from swooping in and adopting all the babies.

Those babies are Madonna's! You hear that, Angelina? They belong to Madonna now!

Read more:

Madonna & Friends Raise Funds for Malawi – E! Online