Posts tagged as:

celebrity assault

Amy Winehouse Cautioned For Nutting That Good Samaritan

by Paul Sorrenti

Fuck me pumps! Crack smoking millionaire Amy Winehouse has done and got herself arrested.

According to Sky News, the beehived-bandit spent last night in police custody on suspicion of girl-assault and has been released this morning with a caution.

Which basically means that her punishment (for headbutting one man who was reportedly trying to help her by hailing a taxi and punching another man in the face during an argument over a pool table) is that for the next five years she’ll have to tick the largely inconsequential ‘yes I got a caution’ box when traveling through customs.

And as if that wasn’t punishment enough, it also all but ends her dreams of being accepted into the police force.

0 comments Read more >>>

Naomi Campbell Boycotts That Airline That Banned Her Forever

by Stuart Heritage

OK, we take back every single bad thing we ever said about Naomi Campbell – she’s finally convinced us that she’s a genius.

We mean it. Naomi Campbell is a genius. Only a genius could do something as flat-out berserk as what Naomi Campbell’s just done.

Recently Naomi Campbell was banned from flying with British Airways for life for spitting on a policeman in the middle of a violent tantrum about luggage. So, naturally, Naomi Campbell has made a huge point of boycotting British Airways, even though it’s already banned her. Seriously. Indiscriminate violence and a dangerously flawed mental process? We can’t figure out why nobody’s married a catch like that yet.

2 comments Read more >>>

Naomi Campbell Cautioned For Airport Cop-Spit Fury Attack

by Stuart Heritage

Naomi Campbell has escaped serious punishment for her spazzy airport tantrum last week, possibly because the police know that no prison’s puny metal bars can contain a force of nature that terrifying.

Instead, Naomi Campbell has walked away with nothing more than a caution – the slap on the wrist usually doled out to naughty schoolboys.

But a punishment is a punishment, and Naomi Campbell will no doubt learn some very important lessons on to become a better person from it. Or she’ll try and genetically bind her DNA with that of a dilophosaurus so that the next time she spits at a policemen her acidic saliva will melt his eyes and leave him vulnerable enough for her to slash open his belly with her ferocious talons. Which is probably more likely.

2 comments Read more >>>

Naomi Campbell Arrested For Giant Airport Strop-Attack

by Stuart Heritage

The Heathrow Terminal 5 situation is worse than we thought – it’s managed to make Naomi Campbell angry, and nothing makes Naomi Campbell angry.

Wait, sorry, that’s a typo. That last bit should have read ‘everything makes Naomi Campbell angry. Everything. Even buttercups and pictures of big-eyed bunny rabbits. Everything.’ Sorry.

So Naomi Campbell got angry at Heathrow airport. How angry? Arrested for attacking a policeman angry. That’s good anger but not great anger, Naomi, and we’re a little bit disappointed. Next time try kicking a wing off or hiding a bomb in your shoe or something.

3 comments Read more >>>

Woo Hah! Busta Rhymes Hit With Community Service

by Stuart Heritage

Remember when Busta Rhymes got in trouble for beating up a load of people all the time?

Remember how much trouble Busta Rhymes was going to be in? There was talk of jail sentences so lengthy that all future Pussycat Dolls releases would have to have 35 seconds of silence in the middle where his guest rap would have been.

But time heals everything, or so they say, and instead of getting thrown in jail Busta Rhymes has to complete just 10 days of community service. Don’t think that Busta Rhymes is getting an easy ride, though – if he offends again the punishment will be much harsher, and frankly we’d be stunned if Busta Rhymes is capable of going 10 days in the community without starting at least 450 fights.

0 comments Read more >>>

Slutty Beauty Queen Kicks Cop, Goes To Jail

by Stuart Heritage

These beauty are all liars. All of them. Ask them to wish for anything and although their mouths say “world peace,” their brains are saying “some sort of lucrative softcore pornography contract.”

Both are foolish answers. The correct answer – the answer that dethroned Miss Nevada Katie Rees should have wished for – is “legal immunity should I ever lose my temper and kick a policeman because he catches me driving without a license.”

If you hadn’t already figured it out, former Miss Nevada Katie Rees is in jail for kicking a policeman after being stopped for driving on a suspended license. It sounds grim, but at least it draws attention away from all those photos of Katie Rees biting another woman on the tit.

1 comment Read more >>>

Busta Rhymes Avoids Jail For Being All Violent

by Stuart Heritage

Not so long ago, Busta Rhymes was alleged to have duffed up so many poor suckers that we thought he’d easily wind up in jail.

However, Busta Rhymes isn’t going to jail at all. Earlier today, Busta Rhymes copped to a plea deal that means he’ll have to do 10 days of community service for attacking an employee and a fan instead of the full one year jail stretch.

But ha! The joke’s on you, Busta Rhymes – sure, you might have thought that 10 days of community service is the easy option, but as a celebrity if you’d have settled for jail you’d have only actually been locked up for 23 minutes and a lovely cup of tea. Nice one, dickhead.

0 comments Read more >>>

David Copperfield’s Big Grand Jury Investigation

by Stuart Heritage

We think we’ve finally worked out how David Copperfield made the Statue of Liberty disappear in 1983 – there’s a chance he did it via a tricky combination of raping it, beating it up and then paying it $2 million to go away.

That’s just a theory, mind you, and we’re far too lazy to look on Wikipedia and see that he just did it with clever camera angles or something. We wouldn’t want to get, say, a grand jury to investigate it. But when a real-life woman who isn’t made of copper or 151 feet tall says that David Copperfield raped her, beat her and tried to pay her $2 million to shut up, grand juries are all over it. Following more revelations about David Copperfield’s supposed July rape of an unidentified woman in the Bahamas, a federal grand jury in Seattle has launched an investigation into the claims. So by the time it’s over we’ll all be able to know if David Copperfield is a creepy rapist or just a good old-fashioned creepy weirdo.

We think we've finally worked out how David Copperfield made the Statue of Liberty disappear in 1983 - there's a chance he did it via a tricky combination of raping it, beating it up and then paying it $2 million to go away. That's just a theory, mind you, and we're far too lazy to look on Wikipedia and see that he just did it with clever camera angles or something. We wouldn't want to get, say, a grand jury to investigate it. But when a real-life woman who isn't made of copper or 151 feet tall says that David Copperfield raped her, beat her and tried to pay her $2 million to shut up, grand juries are all over it. Following more revelations about David Copperfield's supposed July rape of an unidentified woman in the Bahamas, a federal grand jury in Seattle has launched an investigation into the claims. So by the time it's over we'll all be able to know if David Copperfield is a creepy rapist or just a good old-fashioned creepy weirdo.
3 comments Read more >>>

Next Entries →