Articles tagged with: celebrity assault
So you're Christian Bale; you're the star of The Dark Knight - one of the biggest movies ever - how do you celebrate the news? Simple, you go a bit mental, attack your mother and sister and get arrested on suspicion of assault for it. True, it might not be the obvious way around the problem, but it's what Christian Bale allegedly has done. So with Heath Ledger dead and Christian Bale arrested for assault, it seems like The Dark Knight might be carrying a dark curse. We'll know for sure as soon as Michael Caine climbs up a church tower and starts firing a machine gun at passers-by and crying, but for now it's just a pretty strong hunch.
Did you know it's the unassailable right of all British people to attack and abuse police officers if their luggage goes missing on a plane? It's true, we read it in a book once. Wait, what's that? It's not the unassailable right of all British people to beat up a policeman in a strop? Oh, well that's Naomi Campbell screwed, then. Naomi Campbell has been charged with assault after her alleged screaming meltdown on a plane las month. If found guilty then Naomi could find herself saddled with a six-month jail sentence. According to her lawyer, Naomi Campbell wants these charges dealt with 'expeditiously' - which we think is polite speak for "Woaaargh! You titting prick-ends! It wasn't me! Do you who I am? I'll kill you! I'll KILL YOU!" But don't quote us on that.
Amy Winehouse has done and got herself arrested. According to Sky News, the beehived-bandit spent last night in police custody on suspicion of the minor act of girl-assault and has been released this morning with a caution. Which basically means that her punishment (for headbutting one man who was reportedly trying to help her by hailing a taxi and punching another man in the face during an argument over a pool table) is that for the next five years she’ll have to tick the largely inconsequential ‘yes I got a caution’ box when travelling through customs. And as if that wasn’t punishment enough, it also all but ends her dreams of being accepted into the police force.
OK, we take back every single bad thing we ever said about Naomi Campbell - she's finally convinced us that she's a genius. We mean it. Naomi Campbell is a genius. Only a genius could do something as flat-out berserk as what Naomi Campbell's just done. Recently Naomi Campbell was banned from flying with British Airways for life for spitting on a policeman in the middle of a violent tantrum about luggage. So, naturally, Naomi Campbell has made a huge point of boycotting British Airways, even though it's already banned her. Seriously. Indiscriminate violence and a dangerously flawed mental process? We can't figure out why nobody's married a catch like that yet.
Naomi Campbell has escaped serious punishment for her spazzy airport tantrum last week, possibly because the police know that no prison's puny metal bars can contain a force of nature that terrifying.
Instead, Naomi Campbell has walked away with nothing more than a caution - the slap on the wrist usually doled out to naughty schoolboys.
But a punishment is a punishment, and Naomi Campbell will no doubt learn some very important lessons on to become a better person from it. Or she'll try and genetically bind her DNA with that of a dilophosaurus so that the next time she spits at a policemen her acidic saliva will melt his eyes and leave him vulnerable enough for her to slash open his belly with her ferocious talons. Which is probably more likely.
The Heathrow Terminal 5 situation is worse than we thought - it's managed to make Naomi Campbell angry, and nothing makes Naomi Campbell angry. Wait, sorry, that's a typo. That last bit should have read 'everything makes Naomi Campbell angry. Everything. Even buttercups and pictures of big-eyed bunny rabbits. Everything.' Sorry.
So Naomi Campbell got angry at Heathrow airport. How angry? Arrested for attacking a policeman angry. That's good anger but not great anger, Naomi, and we're a little bit disappointed. Next time try kicking a wing off or hiding a bomb in your shoe or something.
Remember when Busta Rhymes got in trouble for beating up a load of people all the time?
Remember how much trouble Busta Rhymes was going to be in? There was talk of jail sentences so lengthy that all future Pussycat Dolls releases would have to have 35 seconds of silence in the middle where his guest rap would have been.
But time heals everything, or so they say, and instead of getting thrown in jail Busta Rhymes has to complete just 10 days of community service. Don't think that Busta Rhymes is getting an easy ride, though - if he offends again the punishment will be much harsher, and frankly we'd be stunned if Busta Rhymes is capable of going 10 days in the community without starting at least 450 fights.
These beauty are all liars. All of them. Ask them to wish for anything and although their mouths say "world peace," their brains are saying "some sort of lucrative softcore pornography contract."
Both are foolish answers. The correct answer - the answer that dethroned Miss Nevada Katie Rees should have wished for - is "legal immunity should I ever lose my temper and kick a policeman because he catches me driving without a license."
If you hadn't already figured it out, former Miss Nevada Katie Rees is in jail for kicking a policeman after being stopped for driving on a suspended license. It sounds grim, but at least it draws attention away from all those photos of Katie Rees biting another woman on the tit.
