CeeLo Green Isn’t A Lady Killer So Much As An Alleged Drink Spiker

cee lo green 2Gather round kids, it’s time for a cautionary tale in the form of CeeLo Green. Poppin’ a molly isn’t big or clever, and if it’s popped in someone else’s drink without their permission, it’s also kind of a felony. 

Cee Lo Green has been cleared of sexual assault this week after being accused of slipping ecstasy into a lady friend’s drink while they were eating at a sushi restaurant last year. She then reportedly woke up in his bed the morning after, wearing nothing but a frown as she tried to figure out how in the hell she ended up there. He’s not totally dodged the bullet, though.

Noel Gallagher’s Attacker Charged For Aggravated Assault After Listening To Oasis. Probably.

Oasis have been going for nearly two decades, and along the way you do have to give them some sort of credit.

Instead of years of artistic exploration, they just decided to release their best album first and continue to bill new releases as “the best thing since sliced Definitely Maybe”. Only to disappoint every time.

Last year Oasis released their seventh studio album Dig Out Your Soul. To be fair, it did have its moments but nothing that pushed the creative boundaries. This obviously proved to push one man to dig out his anger by attacking Noel Gallagher when Oasis performed in Canada.

Kelly Osbourne Arrested On A Charge Of Violent Fisticuffs

Lesson of the day: never, ever, go up to an Osbourne lady and start dissing their men, because they are lunatics.

Oh, alright, alleged lunatics. Just a couple of weeks after Sharon Osbourne apparently attacked a bikini model after hearing a slur about Ozzy, Kelly Osbourne has been arrested for assault after allegedly slapping a journalist who insinuated that her boyfriend didn’t know what an earthquake was.

If you ask us, Jack Osbourne must be feeling left out. Maybe if we make up a good enough lie we’ll be able to goad him into punching a nun unconscious or something.

Suge Knight Charged With Being Suge Knight, Essentially

Given that he’s everywhere all the time at the moment, we’re starting to think that Suge Knight is the gangsta Miley Cyrus.

Not completely – the day that photos of Suge Knight rolling around in his knickers are leaked to the internet is the day we cut out our eyes and, to our knowledge, Miley Cyrus has never driven around in a car allegedly punching a woman in the head – but in terms of ubiquity, the comparison just about holds up. Just about.

In fact, it’s this whole ‘allegedly punching women in the head while driving a car’ thing that’s brought Suge Knight to our attention again this time. Because now Suge Knight has been charged for the last time he supposedly beat up a women in a car. And since this time the charges also include a spot of beating up a woman in a car park with a knife in his hand, Suge Knight faces eight and a half years in jail. Oh well.

Kanye West Gets All Pissy With The Papparazzi

Last week on his Glow In The Dark tour, Kanye West decided to visit a grotty nightclub in Newcastle after entertaining thousands of fans.

Did Kanye sip his lemonade without any problems whilst sitting in the corner of the VIP area? Don’t be daft, something went tits up of course.

It seems that Kanye West has a recurring problems with people who like to take people’s pictures. Granted they may get in the way and stop you from doing day-to-day activities such as getting some milk and waiting for a plane, but never mind. In the Tup Tup Palace nightclub – a place that doesn’t exactly scream class – a member of the paparazzi elite got to close to Kanye and ended up getting his face busted up. Was it Kanye’s fault? Of course not, and he’s explained why in a (nother) big pissy blog rant.

Alleged: Terrence Howard Beats Up Guy Without The Aid Of Flying Robot Suit

Terrence Howard is getting sued for a gigantic chunk of change by a music composer that says Howard assaulted him like a year ago or something.

The Iron Man star is totally getting sued by a guy that claims to have been on the knuckle end of an encounter with him last winter.

Terrence Howard is getting sued by music composer Andrew “Tex” Allen for five million dollars, which is ironic because that’s the exact amount Howard was gonna get for Iron Man II. Talk about coincidence.

Howard and Allen were both working on a Broadway play called Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, which, as we understand it, revolves around a very poor family that makes a fortune selling feline bacon cooked in an ‘out of the box’ sort of way. We don’t have the recipe.

Jade Goody’s Boyfriend Banged Up Forever (18 Months)

Remember Jack Tweed? He was Jade Goody’s boyfriend on Celebrity Big Brother; you know – silent, wears a hat, attacks teenagers with golf clubs.

Yeah, now you remember. Anyway, Jack Tweed has just been sentenced to 18 months in prison for doing one of those things. That’s right – Jack Tweed went to prison for wearing an illegal hat. What a disturbing criminal this man is.

Oh, OK, not really. In actual fact, Jack Tweed smashed a 16-year-old boy in the face, head and chest with a golf club, the scamp . It’s terrible news for Jade Goody – first she got cancer and now Jack Tweed’s gone to jail. Still, on the plus side at least nobody’s calling her ‘Pig-faced Big Brother racist Jade Goody’ any more. That has to be worth something, right?

Christian Bale Assault Charges Result in Ultimate Punishment. That, or Just a Caution

christian bale assault mother sister money the dark knight robert downey jr iron man caution bail release terminator 4 batman 3Christian Bale looks likely to get away with allegedly pushing his mum about, if he pleads guilty to assault.

The Welshman, who no one seems to realise is Welsh, has been recommended to receive a caution by the Crown Prosecution Service for his alleged actions, should he plead guilty to charges next month. If, however, he pleads not guilty then he could be looking at more severe penalties, all according to the bastion of truth, honour and glory that is The Sun newspaper.

Though, let’s be honest here – he probably wouldn’t be looking at any really severe charges. A fine, a slap on the wrist and a bruised ego, leaving the Baler ready to take on Terminator 4 and Batman 3. Unless the authorities were to decide on making an example of him and imprisoned him for life – alledgely pushing your mum and sister about is no laughing matter, after all.

Especially when they apparently want money from you.

Christian Bale Went Spazzy Over Sister Cash Request: Claim

Christian Bale is easily our method actor of the week – his dedication to clown-beating even extends to his own clown mother, for God’s sake.

But, in all of this possibly-illegal motherclown-beating kerfuffle, one question has stood out above all others – what makes a newly-minted megastar like Christian Bale start whaling on his mother and sister on the happiest day of his life?

Turns out the reason might be cash. According to reports today, Christian Bale kicked off after his sister asked him for £100,000 to help raise her three children. Frankly we’re disgusted – doesn’t Christian Bale know that all children have the right to receive occasional gifts of more than the average British annual working wage that their mother has managed to guilt out of their moviestar uncle? Shame on you, Mr Bale. Shame on you indeed.

Batman Christian Bale Arrested For Allegedly Beating Mum And Sister Up

So you’re Christian Bale; you’re the star of The Dark Knight – one of the biggest movies ever – how do you celebrate the news?

Simple, you go a bit mental, attack your mother and sister and get arrested on suspicion of assault for it. True, it might not be the obvious way around the problem, but it’s what Christian Bale allegedly has done.

So with Heath Ledger dead and Christian Bale arrested for assault, it seems like The Dark Knight might be carrying a dark curse. We’ll know for sure as soon as Michael Caine climbs up a church tower and starts firing a machine gun at passers-by and crying, but for now it’s just a pretty strong hunch.