Posts tagged as:

celebrity arrest

Police No Longer on a Mission Try’na Find Mr Warren G

by Ian Dransfield

The early to mid-90s were an excellent time for that whole ‘rap’ thing. Yes there was still the glamourising of violence, the drugs, the objectification of women and the explicit language – but at least it didn’t involve 50 Cent or P Diddy, or whatever in God’s name he’s called now. It was a safer [...]

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Amy Winehouse Cautioned For Nutting That Good Samaritan

by Paul Sorrenti

Fuck me pumps! Crack smoking millionaire Amy Winehouse has done and got herself arrested.

According to Sky News, the beehived-bandit spent last night in police custody on suspicion of girl-assault and has been released this morning with a caution.

Which basically means that her punishment (for headbutting one man who was reportedly trying to help her by hailing a taxi and punching another man in the face during an argument over a pool table) is that for the next five years she’ll have to tick the largely inconsequential ‘yes I got a caution’ box when traveling through customs.

And as if that wasn’t punishment enough, it also all but ends her dreams of being accepted into the police force.

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Naomi Campbell Boycotts That Airline That Banned Her Forever

by Stuart Heritage

OK, we take back every single bad thing we ever said about Naomi Campbell – she’s finally convinced us that she’s a genius.

We mean it. Naomi Campbell is a genius. Only a genius could do something as flat-out berserk as what Naomi Campbell’s just done.

Recently Naomi Campbell was banned from flying with British Airways for life for spitting on a policeman in the middle of a violent tantrum about luggage. So, naturally, Naomi Campbell has made a huge point of boycotting British Airways, even though it’s already banned her. Seriously. Indiscriminate violence and a dangerously flawed mental process? We can’t figure out why nobody’s married a catch like that yet.

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Shia LaBeouf Pleads Not Guilty To Smoking-Based Atrocity

by Stuart Heritage

Yesterday Shia LaBeouf was a fugitive on the run from the law, like Harrison Ford in that film Working Girl.

Not today, though – today Shia LaBeouf has faced his crimes like a man, like Harrison Ford in that film The Fugitive. Well, not ‘faced his crimes’ exactly – Shia LaBeouf has pleaded not guilty to the awful accusation that he smoked on a pavement once.

But at least Shia LaBeouf actually got around to entering a plea this time – up until that point he had an arrest warrant on his head for not tuning up to court at all. It’s a stern lesson to all that you can’t run from the law, no matter how adorably boyish your iddle widdle puppy cheeks are.

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Shia LaBeouf Is A Law-Breaking Smoker

by Stuart Heritage

It’s a good job that Shia LaBeouf has a face so adorable that it looks as if it’s been pieced together with moonbeams and kitten-fluff.

That’s because Shia LaBeouf is just about the crummiest law-breaker that the world has ever seen. After his recent arrest for standing a pharmacy for too long, Shia LaBeouf has now got in trouble for smoking cigarettes as well.

Worse still, Shia LaBeouf now has an arrest warrant on his head after skipping his smoking-based court appearance, something which stands to jeopardise his next fiendishly evil ruse – scrumping apples from Old Man McGee’s orchard to bake and sell a selection of delicious yet unlawful pies from his mother’s drive.

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Barron Hilton Charged With Being A Booze-Soaked Twit

by Stuart Heritage

Barron Hilton hasn’t got a lot going for him – not only does he have the spazzy hair and pudgy face of a rejected Just William character, but he’s also staring down the barrel of a vicious DUI charge.

Following his arrest last month, Paris Hilton’s 18-year-old brother has been formally charged with DUI by the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department and faces arraignment in April.

It just goes to show how quickly Barron Hilton is becoming his sister. Now that they’ve both been charged with DUI, Barron only has to be in a shitty reality TV show and wank a bloke off on the internet until he ends up with jizz all over his tits and Barron will have caught up with Paris Hilton completely.

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Mel Gibson Can Drink Again! Sort Of! Woo!

by Stuart Heritage

OK, first an apology for the misleading title – Mel Gibson has been allowed to drink for ages, but now he gets to do it without a judge disapprovingly scowling at him for it.

Mel Gibson has just been told by a judge that he no longer needs to attend courtroom progress reports for the probation he was given when he got drunk and drove around screaming bad things about the Jews that time.

However, just because he doesn’t have to appear in court, Mel Gibson still has 18 months of probation left to battle through alone. Which means, although he’s allowed to get drunk, we’ll have to wait until the middle of 2009 before Mel Gibson can load up on booze, break the law and use the arrest as an excuse to howl Jewish insults into the sky like some sort of sugartit-fixated werewolf again without fear of jail.

OK, first an apology for the misleading title - Mel Gibson has been allowed to drink for ages, but now he gets to do it without a judge disapprovingly scowling at him for it. Mel Gibson has just been told by a judge that he no longer needs to attend courtroom progress reports for the probation he was given when he got drunk and drove around screaming bad things about the Jews that time. However, just because he doesn't have to appear in court, Mel Gibson still has 18 months of probation left to battle through alone. Which means, although he's allowed to get drunk, we'll have to wait until the middle of 2009 before Mel Gibson can load up on booze, break the law and use the arrest as an excuse to howl Jewish insults into the sky like some sort of sugartit-fixated werewolf again without fear of jail.
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Slutty Beauty Queen Kicks Cop, Goes To Jail

by Stuart Heritage

These beauty are all liars. All of them. Ask them to wish for anything and although their mouths say “world peace,” their brains are saying “some sort of lucrative softcore pornography contract.”

Both are foolish answers. The correct answer – the answer that dethroned Miss Nevada Katie Rees should have wished for – is “legal immunity should I ever lose my temper and kick a policeman because he catches me driving without a license.”

If you hadn’t already figured it out, former Miss Nevada Katie Rees is in jail for kicking a policeman after being stopped for driving on a suspended license. It sounds grim, but at least it draws attention away from all those photos of Katie Rees biting another woman on the tit.

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Mel Gibson Got Special Police Treatment After Jew Rant: Report

by Stuart Heritage

If you want the police to go easy on you after you’ve been arrested for driving a car drunk, perhaps you should try screaming a hate-filled rant about how rubbish Jewish people are, because it worked for Mel Gibson.

The Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department yesterday released its report into the DUI arrest of Mel Gibson last year, and it turns out that Mel got plenty of special treatment from the police. Apparently police attempted to hide aspects of Mel Gibson’s arrest from the public, didn’t sign all the necessary paperwork and even gave him a lift back to his car after he was released. Worst of all, Mel Gibson was also ignored by the female police office who he drunkenly bellowed “What are you looking at, Sugartits?” to, when official police procedure required her to curtsy, giggle into her handkerchief and reply “Why thank you kind sir” in the style of a wealthy plantation owner’s daughter from 1860s Virginia.

If you want the police to go easy on you after you've been arrested for driving a car drunk, perhaps you should try screaming a hate-filled rant about how rubbish Jewish people are, because it worked for Mel Gibson. The Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department yesterday released its report into the DUI arrest of Mel Gibson last year, and it turns out that Mel got plenty of special treatment from the police. Apparently police attempted to hide aspects of Mel Gibson's arrest from the public, didn't sign all the necessary paperwork and even gave him a lift back to his car after he was released. Worst of all, Mel Gibson was also ignored by the female police office who he drunkenly bellowed "What are you looking at, Sugartits?" to, when official police procedure required her to curtsy, giggle into her handkerchief and reply "Why thank you kind sir" in the style of a wealthy plantation owner's daughter from 1860s Virginia.
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Hayden Panettiere: Illegal In Japan

by Stuart Heritage

Hayden Panettiere is best-known for being the cheerleader from Heroes who can mangle up her body and then spontaneously regenerate – either that or being the one from Heroes that makes you feel the most like a dirty old man.

However, if you’re from Japan then Hayden Panettiere is a high-profile fugitive who hates Japanese culture to such an extent that she’s in a huge amount of trouble for it. Admittedly that’s because the part of Japanese culture that Hayden Panettiere hates the most is the way they slaughter dolphins – and her surfboard-based pre-dawn attempts to disrupt a dolphin cull last month has resulted in a Japanese arrest warrant being placed on Hayden Panettiere’s head. Forget ‘save the cheerleader, save the world’; this is a case of ‘arrest the cheerleader, curtail a potentially knotty international diplomatic incident’.

Also, it’s thought that – following Hayden Panettiere’s Japanese arrest warrant – the schizophrenic porno girl from Heroes who used to be in Dawson’s Creek has decided to keep her controversial anti-Hello Kitty sentiments to herself for now.

Hayden Panettiere is best-known for being the cheerleader from Heroes who can mangle up her body and then spontaneously regenerate - either that or being the one from Heroes that makes you feel the most like a dirty old man. However, if you're from Japan then Hayden Panettiere is a high-profile fugitive who hates Japanese culture to such an extent that she's in a huge amount of trouble for it. Admittedly that's because the part of Japanese culture that Hayden Panettiere hates the most is the way they slaughter dolphins - and her surfboard-based pre-dawn attempts to disrupt a dolphin cull last month has resulted in a Japanese arrest warrant being placed on Hayden Panettiere's head. Forget 'save the cheerleader, save the world'; this is a case of 'arrest the cheerleader, curtail a potentially knotty international diplomatic incident'. Also, it's thought that - following Hayden Panettiere's Japanese arrest warrant - the schizophrenic porno girl from Heroes who used to be in Dawson's Creek has decided to keep her controversial anti-Hello Kitty sentiments to herself for now.
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