Really interesting, too – there wasn’t any of this ‘occasional blogging about her implied lesbianism’ malarkey going on back then. Because, back then, Lindsay Lohan could hardly go a day without getting hammered on one substance or another and driving around all over the place like a cackling bug-eyed lunatic until she was arrested. It was fun.

But if you can’t remember that, you soon will – because some peripheral characters from one of these bug-eyed driving encounters have decided to sue Lindsay Lohan for causing them ’surprise, shock, fear and panic’. Well, hey, we’ve seen the trailer for I Know Who Killed Me – and if fear and panic are legitimate reasons for suing Lindsay Lohan, then we’ll just go and put a downpayment on that hillside mansion right now.

What exactly is Lindsay Lohan famous for these days? It’s certainly not being an actress. Is it occasionally holding a boyish girl’s hand? Her thundering political wisdom? Whatever it is, it’s rubbish.

The new Lindsay Lohan isn’t a patch on the constantly-shitfaced troublemaker that was the old Lindsay Lohan. In fact, thanks to Living Lohan and her dad’s reaction to it, it’s safe to say that Lindsay Lohan isn’t even in the top three most objectionable people in the Lohan family any more. True, it’s quite a hard family to crack – Mugabe would be hard-pressed to make the top five – but, come on, this is Lindsay Lohan we’re talking about. We expect more.

But, since Lindsay Lohan seems determined to continue down this dreary path towards cable-subscription erotic thriller career oblivion, Lindsay Lohan’s past has no option but to come back to take the slack a bit. How does it plan to do that? Only by cajoling some guest-stars in one of history’s most iconic Lohan meltdown moments to rear up and hit Lindsay Lohan with a gigantic lawsuit, that’s how.

Remember the last time that Lindsay Lohan was arrested for DUI? When she jumped into a car with her pockets full of cocaine, told the passengers “I’m a celebrity, I can do whatever the fuck I want” and chased a car full of terrified women around town until the police were called? Well, even though that happened over a year ago, those passengers have decided to sue Lindsay Lohan for it. E! Online reports:

“As it became clear what Lohan intended, the startled and fearful passengers cried for their lives,” the suit states… [plaintiffs] Blake, Sutter and Nigre are seeking at least $50,000 in damages to cover negligence, assault, battery, false imprisonment, intentional infliction of emotional distress, conversion, trespass and slander.

This isn’t the first time the passengers have tried to sue Lindsay Lohan – there was talk of a lawsuit right after the arrest – but this time it looks as though they mean business. Or at least they would if Lindsay Lohan’s lawyers were taking it seriously. This is genuinely what lawyer Ed McPherson said in response to the lawsuit:

“If this was truly the ‘worst night’ of their summer, and not their best night, one has to wonder why they didn’t just get out of the car during the many opportunities they had to do so.”

Wow. Maybe he’s right, though. Maybe being driven around at terrifying speeds by a shitfaced Lindsay Lohan really did constitute the best night of those passengers’ summer. You can’t help feeling, though, that if that was true, those boys must have had a really shitty summer.

What was their second best night? The night that one of them had their eyed pected out by a rabid owl? The night that one of them fell out of a helicopter into a skip full of dirty HIV needles? The night that they all went to see Georgia Rule at the cinema?

No, we’ve gone too far.

But that’d be the easy way. Instead the Heather Locklear arrest story has chosen to get really weird. And it’s all the paparazzi’s fault.

Remember the good Samaritan who alerted the police to Heather Locklear’s erratic driving? Turns out she owns a paparazzi agency and managed to sell photos of Heather Locklear being arrested to TMZ for $27,000. So does that affect her credibility as a witness? Was she really just being a concerned citizen? Why’s Heather Locklear famous again? What was the date of the first Spanish Armada? Who are you? Why do our legs hurt so much?

The paparazzi, honest to goodness, are responsible for every single one of the world’s problems. It’s their fault that Kanye West is so angry, it’s their fault that Jamie Lynn Spears is so jumpy and paranoid and we’re pretty sure it’s their fault that the prepacked stirfry that was a fortnight out of date we had for dinner recently tasted overwhelmingly of vinegar. The paparazzi, in short are bastards.

Just look what they did to Heather Locklear. There was Heather on Saturday, minding her own business seemingly intoxicated on a cocktail of prescription medication, when all of a sudden – bam – the paparazzi are calling the police in case her erratic driving ends up killing somebody. The bastards.

It has emerged that the ‘good Samaritan’ who got Heather Locklear arrested for DUI after notifying the police of her unusual behaviour was none other than Jill Ishkanian, a photographer who also runs her own paparazzi agency. And, like all good paparazzi agency bosses, Ishkanian managed to get a few photos of the arrest which she sold on to TMZ for $27,000.

Except she didn’t make the transaction directly because she’s previously been accused of stealing information from US Weekly’s computers and as a result her reputation is so tattered that hardly any outlets will buy her photos.

But just because Heather Locklear’s arrest came about because of a woman who had a vested financial interest in securing photos of Heather Locklear getting arrested, it doesn’t mean that Heather Locklear didn’t deserve to be arrested, does it? AP reports:

CHP Lt. Dane Lobb said Wednesday that Ishkanian’s involvement would not change what was going forward as a regular DUI investigation. “We determined (Locklear) was someone who shouldn’t be operating a vehicle,” he said. Locklear’s attorney, Blair Berk, did not return an e-mail message seeking comment Wednesday evening.

Of course, regardless of who called the police, Heather Locklear’s guilt or innocence will be determined once and for all as soon as police receive the test results determining whether or not she was impaired at the time of the arrest.

Then we’ll all be able to say for certain whether Heather Locklear is a habitual drug user or a perfectly sober batty old shitbox who suffers from depression and possibly keeps trying to kill herself. And not a moment too soon.

It all make so much sense now – if you’d just spent several months making a family drama that nobody’s going to watch, and had to do it in the presence of Billy Ray Cyrus, getting tanked up on prescription medicine and parking your car in the middle of a busy motorway would seem like a perfectly sensible thing to do, too.

And now Heather Locklear has been arrested for DUI after allegedly doing exactly that, the director of this new movie has spoken out. Jim Amatuilli thinks that Heather Locklear’s DUI arrest is ’sad’, especially since it followed Heather’s ’solid’ work on the movie. Solid? That’s the best adjective he could drum up in her greatest hour of need? No wonder Heather Locklear went mental. And that’s not any solid. That’s solid compared to Billy Ray Cyrus. Honestly, next time just go for the more sympathetic ‘Oh, just kill yourself already,’ Jim.

Following Heather Locklear’s DUI arrest this weekend – and the accompanying mugshot that makes her look like she’s just been expelled from clown school – the race is on to uncover exactly what caused her problems in the first place.

On the surface it seems simple – Heather Locklear went to rehab and allegedly tried to kill herself because her alcoholic husband left her for her best friend. Essentially it’s an episode of Jeremy Kyle, but with better teeth.

However, if you ask Jim Amatuilli – the director of Heather Locklear’s new movie which co-stars Billy Ray Cyrus that we’re not even going to name because you’re not going to watch it anyway – then there’s another reason for Heather Locklear appearing to get shitfaced on prescription drugs and stopping her car in the middle of a state highway for no reason.

And that’s that she’s, you know, getting old and stuff. Jim Amatuilli told the New York Daily News:

“It is very easy to see the effects of the ‘show-biz’ environment, and the stress it puts on relationships and families. Add to that the pressure that women face as they get older and roles narrow, with so much ‘value’ put on superficial elements, it’s sad to watch the results play out.”

You hear that, Heather Locklear? Jim Amatuilli speaks the truth. And we agree with him – you now have three options to get yourself back on the right track:

1 - Get a proper job.

2 - Go back in time and dedicate yourself to learning your craft instead of just coasting by on a series of mindlessly trashy roles that you were only offered because you looked half-decent in a bikini and the producers all thought that you might let them have a go on your fanny if they booked you.

3 - Realise that your ageing face grows a new flaw every day, and commit yourself to a merciless lifetime of constant plastic surgery procedures that – while possibly convincing someone standing far away that you superficially look quite young – will remove all trace of your character, gradually warp you into a freakish featureless splotch and ensure that you only get picked to star in films like The Perpetually Unhappy Walking Scar From The Planet Botox in the future.

Either one’s fine.

By that right, the O’Neal family don’t stand a chance. On Wednesday Ryan O’Neal and his son Redmond were both arrested for the possession of methamphetamine during a routine probation sweep of their house, and it’s taken Tatum O’Neal to bring some perspective to the matter.

Yes, Tatum O’Neal – the woman who’s kissed Michael Jackson with tongues, claims to have had an orgy with Melanie Griffith, lost custody of her kids because she was wasted on heroin all the time and was recently arrested for trying to buy crack in New York – has put the Ryan O’Neal drug arrest into perspective. In summary, that perspective is as follows: Yeesh.

On the basis that wisdom comes from experience, Tatum O’Neal must be one of the most insightful people on Earth. She won an Oscar when she was 11, had a drug-addict mother and an angry father who she apparently once caught with his bits stuck up Melanie Griffith. She claims to have been sexually abused as a child, had a volatile marriage to John McEnroe and was Michael Jackson’s first love. Tatum O’Neal isn’t just a woman – she’s the walking physical representation of The Jeremy Kyle Show.

So who’d be better placed to reflect upon this week’s drug arrest of Ryan O’Neal and his son than Ryan’s own daughter Tatum?

Now we know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that someone who wasn’t recently arrested for buying a big bag of crack would probably be better placed to discuss Ryan O’Neal’s arrest. But you’re wrong. It means that Tatum O’Neal doesn’t just share some genes with Ryan O’Neal, or a deep lingering bitterness about never managing to fulfill her professional potential, or questionable parenting skills, but also what might just be a fondness for illegal substances.

Honestly, Tatum O’Neal and Ryan O’Neal are so similar that talking to Tatum is just like talking to Ryan but without the constant feeling that you’re going to get a gun fired in your direction.

So, with that in mind, what’s Tatum O’Neal’s take on her dad and brother getting arrested on drug charges? People reports:

“I’m really worried about Redmond. I want them both to get better and get the help they need. [Addiction] runs in families. It’s a disease. I’m praying for both of them. I’m praying for my whole family. I hope Red will get treatment. That’s what he needs. There is hope for Redmond. He deserves to have the life a [young man] – going to school, hanging out with friends, getting a job. I wish the best for him.”

Actually, Tatum O’Neal is spot-on here. The last thing anyone needs is to see Redmond O’Neal destroy himself with drugs. Otherwise what are they going to do if Hollywood suddenly decides to make a sequel to The Brave Little Toaster Goes To Mars? Recast the role of Squirt, the eighth male lead? Please.

Anyway, we always try to look on the positive, and that’s no different now. Maybe Tatum O’Neal taking the time to speak out about Ryan and Redmond O’Neal will mend the fractured relationships between father, son and daughter and they can all start afresh.

It’ll be hard, but if they all work really hard and try to talk they can get there. And if they can’t, we hear methamphetamine is really good for increased talkativeness and stuff. Maybe they should give that a go.

It also explains Kanye West’s ridiculous little outburst at the paparazzi in LAX yesterday, where he pulled his hood up over his head, swung his arms about like a girl and got arrested on suspicion of vandalism and battery as a result. But now that the heat of the moment has passed, Kanye West thinks that people might have got the wrong impression of him.

Yes, he might have apparently smashed up a photographer’s camera, but that didn’t stop Kanye West from leaping onto his blog this morning and telling the world that actually “I’m cool with the paparazzi.” But did Kanye West himself really write that? Doubtful – the 21-word post only contained four exclamation marks. Kanye’s average exclamation mark tally for a post that size is roughly seven hundred million billion. We smell a rat.

A strange thing happened at the MTV VMAs on Sunday. Kanye West turned up and didn’t endlessly bitch about not winning everything. It was strange to witness – usually Kanye West throwing his toys out of the pram is as traditional a VMA sight as a pack of disgruntled virgins. Maybe, we thought, Kanye West had come to terms with the matter and found peace in himself.

We were wrong. Instead, Kanye West did what all graceful losers do and let the bad feelings systematically build up inside him, turning from a niggle to a grump, and from a grump to a strop, and from a strop to a rage, and from a rage to an alleged completely illegal camera-smashing meltdown in an airport. It’s happened to us all.

And that’s how Kanye West got arrested yesterday, more or less. And, given that he was filmed apparently destroying $10,000 of camera equipment and that the entire internet seems to have independently come to the logical conclusion that Kanye West is a turnip who can’t fight very well, we thought we knew what was coming next.

A bloggy rant. You see, when Kanye West is faced with any criticism at all he hops on his blog, bashes out some angry screed, tapes down the Shift and 1 keys on his laptop, goes off for half an hour, comes back and publishes whatever’s on the screen. It’s why, after he was eight hours late for a festival slot recently, Kanye West wrote the following on his blog:

PEARL JAM ENDED ONE HOUR LATE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  AT THAT POINT WE’RE RACING AGAINST THE SUN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Therefore logic dictates that, since actually getting arrested on suspicion of something you’ve been filmed doing is probably a bit worse than getting some hippies miffed, Kanye West’s first blog post on the matter would just be made up of larger and larger exclamation marks culminating in one angry red exclamation mark the size of a bus. But no. Blogging this morning, Kanye West actually wrote this:

We back in the lab!!! I’m cool with the paparazzi. This guy wasn’t cool. I gotta work now… I’ll rant later!

So that’s that. Despite all the visual evidence to the contrary, Kanye West actually likes the paparazzi. That’s good to know, because we hear that whenever the paparazzi don’t like someone, they all gang up together and follow them around flashing lights in their faces and making it hard for them to see where they’re going.

That won’t happen to Kanye West, though, because he likes the paparazzi and the paparazzi likes him straight back. Incidentally, Kanye West’s about to go on a special tour of gratitude around all the professions that he’s cool with, where he plans to kick ladders out from under window cleaners, fill all the lifeguards’ buoancy aids up with cement and punch anyone who works at an orphanage square in the face.

Allegedly.

In today’s world of boring, pointless, vapid celebrities mincing around never doing anything, not causing any trouble and generally being thoroughly boring you could be forgiven for thinking that the entertainment that we, the public, rightly deserve from these fools is never going to come our way.

Then DMX goes and gets a mega-whammy of arrests for a number of different reasons – granted, he’s not going around stabbing people, but he is doing things that we’re allowed to take the piss out of. Which is clearly much better for us.

The most recent of DMX’s failures to obey the law came about when the rapper didn’t really manage to appear in court for an earlier arrest. Instead he went to hospital. Close, but not quite the right building. Must try harder.

DMX, known to people who don’t want to dignify that ‘name’ by actually using it as Earl Simmons, was lingering about a Wal-Mart, possibly trying to cause more mayhem involving drugs and stuff, when the police acted on a warrant and brought the vagabond in for his no-show.

The original charges levelled against Earl were related to possession of marijuana and drug paraphernalia, though reports this consisted of a T-shirt with the slogan “DMX Likes Pot” on it and a matching headband were unconfirmed at the time of going to press.

Needless to say though, these are definitely serious charges and ones sure to cement Simmons’ reputation as a bad boy on the rap scene. Or just a bloke who had some weed on him and got caught. Either way, he’ll be known as… a man… who did something.

DMX is also waiting on the outcomes of a few other cases, involving animal cruelty and identity fraud, amongst others. Come to think of it, we do remember receiving an email from an ‘American prince’ the other month, but we didn’t actually put two and two together until now. He offered us the chance to “Party Up” if we gave him all of our savings.

Naturally we did, but this ‘Prince of DMXia’ never got back to us. It all makes sense now. But why he would want to take on the identity of the amorphous blob that is hecklerspray we do not know. Maybe the life of alleged crime is too much for the poor dear.

It’s not the first time the X-ey one has faced charges – he was cleared of rape, a stabbing, impersonating an FBI agent and some other pretty comical charges like ‘mischief’. We didn’t know you could be arrested for behaving like a nine-year-old boy, but hey ho – at least he’s keeping his part of the bargain up and actually offering us some entertainment in his private life.

It would appear that outside of allegedly committing crimes, DMX is the only artist to have five consecutive albums debut at number one on the Billboard chart. (Alleged) crime does pay, it would seem.

Which is exactly what ol’ D-O-double G Snoop Dogg has gone and done. Or, more accurately – has gone and not done.

It’s a given that normally you can rely on the Dizzle to carry a baton through customs, get arrested for carrying a gun and some naughty substances around in his car or simply to get banned from a country.

But oh no, not this time. He has to go and be all ‘not arrested’ and stuff.

Maybe Snoop really has decided that he should have a cleaner image than that he has portrayed for so many years. His apparent partnership with David Beckham was intended to save the universe, after all. The universe in California, at least. Through the power of football.

Hmm. At least he’s trying, eh?

As if to add credibility to his claims that he is a changed man, Snoop Dogg was recently not arrested – you read that right, he was absolutely not arrested – on drug possession charges. While out on tour with his posse, Snoop’s tour bus was pulled over by the federals for having an expired registration sticker. What followed was nothing short of a miracle.

Rather than, as we would expect, the police entering the vehicle, having a slight altercation, then leaving with the Doggyizzleshizzle in handcuffs, they left with two completely different people. Checks were made and it turned out that neither of them were Snoop in disguise – in fact, neither of them even had names that sounded like Snoop.

While it was adjudged to be a mistake initially, it soon transpired that the police involved in the arrests had not made a mistake, and for probably the first time in his life Snoop Dogg had managed to escape arrest through the benefit of not having committed any crime.

Wonders in this world never cease.

No, far from the story that has been written approximately once every week and a half for the last 20 years – ‘Snoop Dogg Arrested For [inset crime here]‘ – Ethan Calhoun and Kevin Barkey are the names on the lips of the police and all reporters. Unfortunately, no one knows who they actually are, bar their names and the fact that they were part of Snoop’s posse. As a result, all headlines still refer to Snoop Dogg’s involvement.

It’s a funny old world.

Hopefully this slight deviation won’t become common practice for the lanky raptist (that’s ‘rap artist’, for those wondering) and he can soon return to his usual ways of doing something stupid, getting arrested, saying ‘izzle’ on the end of words in a irritating fashion, doing another stupid thing, getting arrested again and so on and so forth. Otherwise we’re going to have to start getting used to him being an ‘innocent bystander’.

Frankly, that just doesn’t fit.

Actually that might not be true – we don’t like Barenaked Ladies nearly enough to listen to one of their terrible songs – but they do have a song called If I Had $1,000,000 and, since the band’s singer Steven Page was arrested for cocaine possession this week, that scenario would probably make the most sense.

Or maybe it wouldn’t, because Barenaked Ladies have posted a message on their website saying that Steven Page will fight his charges to the ends of the Earth. Or until he’s convicted, sent to jail and used as a violent masturbatory tool by the entire prison population as a twisted revenge for his song about Chickedy China The Chinese Chicken. Whichever one happens first, basically.

When it was first announced that Steven Page from Barenaked Ladies had been arrested for cocaine possession, we were a little perplexed. Usually drug-taking in the world of music is synonymous with acid-fried 20-minute psyche-rock freak-jams, not twee little acoustic ditties about relationships that only girls and weirdos like.

But then it all started to become clearer. If you were in Barenaked Ladies, you’d want to be wrecked off your shit on drugs all the time just to numb the pain of your day job, wouldn’t you?

In this respect, Steven Page is lucky that he was only arrested for cocaine possession – most men in his position would be ramming industrial quantities of rhino tranquiliser up their arses 24/7 just to forget that they were responsible for that dreadful One Week song.

But that’s assuming that Steven Page is guilty of cocaine possession, which we shouldn’t do because Steven Page says he is absolutely innocent of everything. According to a statement left on the Barenaked Ladies website:

“Many of you have probably read or heard press accounts about Steven Page’s recent arrest in New York state. Steven has pleaded not guilty to the charges against him and the validity of the charges against Steven will be strongly contested. While this is happening, it’s business as usual for Barenaked Ladies. We will continue to perform and look forward to heading into the studio later this year to record a new album.”

What? Business as usual? Jesus Christ – what needs to happen to get Barenaked Ladies to split up? Alcoholism? Bestiality? Dead prostitutes turning up in their sheds? Just tell us, for the love of god, and we’ll try our hardest to make it happen.

Anyway, at least now that Steven Page has declared his innocence over his arrest, Barenaked Ladies won’t have to worry about people not buying their new kid’s album Snack Time because they’re morally outraged. If they don’t buy it, it’s because it’s really quite rubbish and a waste of their precious wages. Business as usual, then.

And now we might have been proved correct. Steven Page, the guitarist and singer of twee, humourlessly chirpy Canadian folk-rock one-too-many hit wonders Barenaked Ladies has been arrested on suspicion of cocaine possession.

That’s right, kids, it looks like Barenaked Ladies are on drugs. Steven Page’s arrest has put us in a thoroughly bad mood – we can’t believe our heroes of the awful late-1990s acoustic radio pop scene are involved in drugs. Oh, say it hasn’t spread! Promise us that Sugar Ray are still clean! Look us in the eye and swear that Lyte Funky Ones don’t chase the dragon!

We’d imagine – because we’re assuming that their fans are idiots – that Barenaked Ladies are often quizzed about their 1998 song One Week. Quizzed on things like: “When you sang ‘Chickity China the Chinese chicken/ You have a drumstick and your brain stops tickin’/ Watchin’ X-Files with no lights on/ We’re dans la maison’, what inspired that?”

Turns out the answer was probably a bloody great pile of cocaine.

In what could go down in history as one of the least likely drug arrests in history, Steven Page – the one from Barenaked Ladies who looks like Russell T Davies‘ primary school photo, the one from Barenaked Ladies who looks like he’d start crying if you got too close to his collection of magic cards – has been busted on suspicion of cocaine possession. Newsday reports:

The 38-year-old was visiting Christine Benedicto at her Fayetteville apartment and the two got into an argument. Police found Benedicto’s car parked on the sidewalk outside the home and went to investigate. They found Page and another woman at the kitchen table with cocaine. Page, Benedicto and the third woman all face drug charges.

According to the manager of Barenaked Ladies, Steven Page has been charged with his crime and must return to court tomorrow.

We’re worried for Steven Page, we really are – he carried Barenaked Ladies through that one song of theirs that anyone can remember from a decade ago, he really sodding did.

If he goes to jail for this the band could split up under the pressure, even though most people already probably assumed that they’d split up some time ago. What would we do then, apart from continue with our lives in exactly the same way as we did before while quickly forgetting that the band ever even existed? Huh?

Hopefully Steven Page will get help for his apparent drug problem, because it’s a slippery slope. First you think you can control it, then the next thing you know you’re babbling nonsensical, self-indulgent words to nobody in particular and… oh bugger, we’re a decade late with this advice, aren’t we?

Nelson Mandela has got nothing but pure undiluted joy for every single person in the whole wide world – or at least he would have, if Naomi Campbell wasn't such a massive angry bitch all the time.

There's a big concert being held in Hyde Park for Nelson Mandela's 90th birthday tomorrow, and Naomi Campbell was on call to introduce some of the acts. However, since her recent air rage conviction it's been reported that Nelson Mandela himself has personally intervened to remove Naomi Campbell from proceedings. Hopefully there's still time to replace Naomi with a friendlier celebrity – perhaps Amy Winehouse's husband or the ghost of Saparmurat Niyazov or something.

Hey, ever wondered what it'd take to turn Nelson Mandela into a dick? So have we – the man seems so benevolent and wise and compassionate that he's even managed to spend considerable lengths of time with Geri Halliwell without trying to smack her head off with the back of a shovel just to shut her up. He's an unflappable superman.

But what presses Nelson Mandela's buttons? Would he lose his shit if you kept poking him in the eye with a detached animal penis? Probably not. If you kept filling his shoes with gravel every time he turned his back? Again, probably not. If you sat three feet away from him playing the accordion as loudly as possible when he was trying to discuss ways to counter the spread of AIDS in Africa? No chance.

If you were arrested for furiously spitting at policemen on an aeroplane just because a bag with some of your stuff in it has gone missing? That's more like it. Nelson Mandela hates it when people do that. He hates it enough to personally intervene and publicly humiliate anyone who does it by uninviting them to his birthday party. 

And since Naomi Campbell is the only person on Earth who's done that lately, she's copped the full brunt of Mandela's grumpiness. Apparently Naomi Campbell was going to be used to introduce acts at Nelson Mandela's big birthday concert in Hyde Park tomorrow, but since she made such an arse of herself on the plane – and subsequently when she claimed she was just reacting to racism – she's apparently been told that her services are no longer required. The Press Association reports:

A source close to the concert said: "People were disappointed by what happened – in the past she had spoken to Mandela about her anger. It's not the behaviour of a charity ambassador. Mandela would have had a say. It's fair to say he was behind the decision. There's an aspect of him being upset by the whole situation."

What's probably most hurtful to Nelson Mandela is the fact that when Naomi Campbell was lashing out like a berserko fruitcake on the plane, she was wearing a baseball cap promoting Mandela's charity 46664. Attacking the police in a charity baseball cap never goes down particularly well, but we assumed that Naomi Campbell would have got away with it – surely most people assumed that 46664 was just a running total of servants who Naomi Campbell had punched in the face so far that week.

Anyway, full credit to Nelson Mandela for standing up to Naomi Campbell so bravely. His courage knows no bounds – because, honestly, 18 years in prison on an island is going to seem like nothing once Naomi Campbell hears about this snub and dedicates the rest of her life to trying to push a smartphone through one of his eye sockets.

Yes there was still the glamourising of violence, the drugs, the objectification of women and the explicit language – but at least it didn’t involve 50 Cent or P Diddy, or whatever in God’s name he’s called now.

It was a safer time when white kids in the suburbs could dream of their gangsta heritage without fearing for how much ‘bling’ they were wearing, a time when people could look forward to a Tupac release that wasn’t posthumous and one when Mr Warren G had released ‘Regulate‘.

You know the song. Everyone does. It was on the soundtrack to ‘Above the Rim‘, which wasn’t as good as ‘White Men Can’t Jump‘. It had Bernie Mac in it, so it really was never going to compete with the might of Wesley and Woody.

The content was, as any family-friendly rap track is sure to be, a bit on the risque side and involved Warren and Nate Dogg killing people and cruising for skirt – a fine influence on any youngster I’m sure. But it did contain samples from Young Guns, thus making ‘Regulate‘ one that appeals to everyone in the world.

So it came as no surprise to find that Warren – real name Warren Griffin III (not-so-different-to-actual-name shocker!) – was picked up by police on Sunday and bundled away to the slammer.

For what though, you may ask? Were the G-Man and his old chum Nate up to their old tricks, regulating the streets on their way to the East Side Motel? How many bodies had piled up by the end of the rampage? Did he have a crack factory blown up in a daring police raid?

Or was it that Warren had a bit of pot in his car?

Yes. Yes it was. G’s level of criminality knows no bounds, that’s for sure.

The master of G-Funk was soon released on bail (after forking out $20,000, no less), and though the feds were doing their damndest to prosecute the 35-year-old, it was soon reported that they would no longer be pursuing charges against the artist.

Clearly leaving Griffin open to pursue more incredible criminal feats, like jaywalking, or recording NFL without the prior consent of the broadcasters.

Keep it up Warren – show those pretenders to the gangsta throne how it’s done!

According to Sky News, the beehived-bandit spent last night in police custody on suspicion of the minor act of girl-assault and has been released this morning with a caution.

Which basically means that her punishment (for headbutting one man who was reportedly trying to help her by hailing a taxi and punching another man in the face during an argument over a pool table) is that for the next five years she’ll have to tick the largely inconsequential ‘yes I got a caution’ box when travelling through customs.

And as if that wasn’t punishment enough, it also all but ends her dreams of being accepted into the police force.

A Scotland Yard spokeswoman said yesterday:

“A 24-year-old woman has been arrested on suspicion of assault after attending a central London police station by appointment.”

The attacks supposedly occurred in the early hours of Wednesday morning – the exact same day she was revealed to be the youth of the UK’s ‘Ultimate Heroine’.

It’s a sequence of events that has no doubt got Mary Whitehouse shitting all over herself as she spins violently in her decently decorated, stinking, whingeing grave.

Add to this the fact that, earlier in the week, Amy was nominated for no less than three Ivor Novello Awards, and it all adds up to one of the most successful periods of her young life.

If hecklerspray had a week like that we’d be out on the town immediately, straight down to Camden to sample the plethora of class-A delights available to you on any given corner.

Go for it Amy! You deserve it.

Read More – Amy Cautioned Over Alleged Assault – Sky News

We mean it. Naomi Campbell is a genius. Only a genius could do something as flat-out berserk as what Naomi Campbell’s just done.

Recently Naomi Campbell was banned from flying with British Airways for life for spitting on a policeman in the middle of a violent tantrum about luggage. So, naturally, Naomi Campbell has made a huge point of boycotting British Airways, even though it’s already banned her. Seriously. Indiscriminate violence and a dangerously flawed mental process? We can’t figure out why nobody’s married a catch like that yet.

We’re starting a genuine campaign right now. We want Naomi Campbell to be the new host of Watchdog. We’re not making this up. We have three main reasons for wanting this: 1) Naomi Campbell is a stone cold consumer champion. 2) If any company CEOs tried to give her the runaround, she’d be straight down their offices ready to punch everything to splinters. 3) It’d make Nicky Campbell slightly less employed, which we’re all for.

But really, Naomi Campbell is an honest to goodness consumer champion. Earlier this month, you see, Naomi Campbell suffered a taste of the hellish luggage problems that customers at Heathrow airport’s newly-opened Terminal Five have been experiencing. And because of that – and only that – Naomi Campbell has decided to boycott British Airways forever.

Speaking about her decision to boycott British Airways while in Brazil, golden consumer idol Naomi Campbell said:

“Someone from BA called me and asked that I return to fly with them but this will not occur so early. They didn’t find my bag – said it wasn’t in the system – and there was a complete disrespect for the passengers. You Brazilians went through the same problem last year. The case in Terminal 5 at Heathrow was the same thing and I am not speaking for myself. I am speaking for all those who have been disrespected.”

What a wonderful, wonderful person Naomi Campbell is. She’s boycotting British Airways because it treated the people shoddily, and Naomi Campbell stands up for the people no matter what.

In other completely unrelated news, British Airways is the airline that recently banned Naomi Campbell forever because she attacked a policeman when her luggage went missing.

However, even though she flew into a galactic rage and flobbed up on a copper, Naomi Campbell was merely cautioned for the tantrum. And it seems that British Airways wants to make amends, if Naomi’s stories of pleading phone calls are correct. They are correct aren’t they, The Times?

A BA insider told London’s Evening Standard paper: “We are not aware of any pleading phone calls to Ms Campbell.”

Oh. Well, anyway, good for Naomi Campbell for boycotting British Airways in any case. Someone needs to stand up to these giant faceless corporations, and who better to do so than a alarmingly violent woman who can hardly seem to go more than a couple of days without assaulting someone’s skull off or destroying a boat? Naomi Campbell, we salute you.

By the way, we’re serious about getting Naomi Campbell that Watchdog job. Here’s where you can contact the show to make the case for her employment. Quite frankly we’ve waited too long to see the chairman of British Gas getting his face smashed in by a screaming, froth-mouthed woman holding a telephone.

Read more:

Naomi Campbell boycotts BA in Terminal 5 protest - Times

Not today, though – today Shia LaBeouf has faced his crimes like a man, like Harrison Ford in that film The Fugitive. Well, not 'faced his crimes' exactly – Shia LaBeouf has pleaded not guilty to the awful accusation that he smoked on a pavement once.

But at least Shia LaBeouf actually got around to entering a plea this time – up until that point he had an arrest warrant on his head for not tuning up to court at all. It's a stern lesson to all that you can't run from the law, no matter how adorably boyish your iddle widdle puppy dumpling cheeks are.

Nature isn't the only thing that abhors a vacuum – celebrity justice hates them equally as much. As soon as a celebrity – say, Phil Spector – finishes his court case, Paul McCartney and Heather Mills decide to get divorced. And if you were worried that you'd be strapped of celebrity court appearances until the OJ Simpson trial gets started, don't be – Shia LaBeouf has manfully stepped in to plug the void.

You see, although Shia LaBeouf might look like the sort of dungaree-wearing mischievous six-year-old who keeps a worm in a matchbox as a pet and has his own treehouse, in actual fact he's a court-hardened bastard. Shia LaBeouf got to being that way from living on the seedy underside of life where people don't think twice about politely refusing to leave a drugstore even though a security guard asked them nicely.

That's not the extent of Shia LaBeouf's badassery, though – earlier this week he failed to show up in court on an unlawful smoking charge and was hit with a full-blown arrest warrant as a result. But Shia LaBeouf scoffs in the face of arrest warrants. Shia LaBeouf cares not for puny arrest warrants, he tosses them aide like… oh, in actual fact Shia LaBeouf doesn't scoff at arrest warrants at all. Instead he quickly sends a lawyer to court to make everything all better. People reports:

A court commissioner in Burbank, Calif., recalled a $1,000 bench warrant Shia LaBeouf for on Wednesday after the actor's attorney arrived a day late to plead not guilty on LaBeouf's behalf to illegally smoking. LaBeouf, 21, was not in the courtroom when attorney Michael Norris entered the plea for the misdemeanor offense before Commissioner Kirkland Nyby. A pretrial hearing was set for April 24, says Superior Court rep Allan Parachini. 

Do you see that? Shia LaBeouf might have apologetically instructed a lawyer to get his arrest warrant ditched but he still pleaded not guilty to his unlawful smoking charge. Shia's so determined to fight the system that he's prepared to turn a routine five-second court appearance into an epic battle of multiple drawn-out court appearances and expensive legal fees. That's right Shia! Beat the man!

Sometimes we really wish we were American taxpayers, you know.

Read more:

Court Snuffs Out Bench Warrant for Shia LaBeouf – People 

That's because Shia LaBeouf is just about the crummiest law-breaker that the world has ever seen. After his recent arrest for standing a pharmacy for too long, Shia LaBeouf has now got in trouble for smoking cigarettes as well.

Worse still, Shia LaBeouf now has an arrest warrant on his head after skipping his smoking-based court appearance, something which stands to jeopardise his next fiendishly evil ruse – scrumping apples from Old Man McGee's orchard to bake and sell a selection of delicious yet unlawful pies from his mother's drive.

Don't be fooled by Shia LaBeouf's puppyish face or innocent sparkly eyes, because at heart he's nothing more than an evil mastermind who'll stop at nothing to smash the system. You can see it in the way that Shia LaBeouf blabbed the title of the new Indiana Jones movie even though Steven Spielberg had apparently asked him not to, or the way that he decided to star in Transformers even though he must have known it would be worse than terrible.

But Shia LaBeouf's troublemaking streak doesn't just extend to ropey-looking blockbuster movies – Shia LaBeouf is also intent on breaking the law as often as possible in the most shocking of ways. Like, for instance, in November when Shia LaBeouf bought the justice system to its knees by standing around in a Walgreens and not leaving when a security guard asked him to. You have to admit that's badass.

Thanks to Walgreens dropping the charges, though, Shia LaBeouf didn't achieve his life-long ambition of going to prison, which is why he planned his next atrocity – smoking on a pavement. Wait, it gets worse – smoking on a pavement and then not showing up to court. E! Online reports:

Thanks to his nicotine habit, the rising star is wanted by the cops after skipping a court hearing to answer a ticket for unlawful smoking. A warrant was issued Tuesday for the arrest of the Transformers star after neither he nor his attorney turned up in a Burbank, Calif., courtroom, a court clerk confirmed. According to TMZ, the 21-year-old thesp was busted for puffing illegally on the sidewalk outside a gift store called Skyblupink. Arraignment was scheduled for 8 a.m. for the misdemeanor offense. The judge issued a $1,000 bench warrant once he determined LaBeouf was missing in action.

Shia LaBeouf has really done himself in by skipping the court appearance. Had he shown up, he'd have probably been let off with a minor monetary fine, but now he faces the harshest punishment that an unlawful smoking bust can offer. That's right – the sheriff's going to sit him down and make him smoke 20 packets of cigarettes one after the other right in front of him. Menthol ones, too – these people don't mess around.

Of course, there's a chance that Shia LaBeouf will avoid jail again for this awful crime – in which case the world will just have to tremble in anticipation of his next fearsome outburst. And it has every reason to – we hear from our sources that it'll either involve spitwads or kissing girls behind the woodwork block.

Read more:

Shia's Smoking Warrant – E! Online