celebrity arrest - HecklerSpray

Lindsay Lohan Sued For Something From Back When She Was Fun

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Older readers, if they cast their minds right back, may remember a time when Lindsay Lohan was, you know, interesting.

Really interesting, too – there wasn’t any of this ‘occasional blogging about her implied lesbianism’ malarkey going on back then. Because, back then, Lindsay Lohan could hardly go a day without getting hammered on one substance or another and driving around all over the place like a cackling bug-eyed lunatic until she was arrested. It was fun.

But if you can’t remember that, you soon will – because some peripheral characters from one of these bug-eyed driving encounters have decided to sue Lindsay Lohan for causing them ‘surprise, shock, fear and panic’. Well, hey, we’ve seen the trailer for I Know Who Killed Me – and if fear and panic are legitimate reasons for suing Lindsay Lohan, then we’ll just go and put a downpayment on that hillside mansion right now.

Heather Locklear DUI Arrest: It’s All The Paparazzi’s Fault

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

When Heather Locklear got arrested for DUI on Saturday, we thought we knew what we’d see – a funny mugshot, a fine and stint in rehab.

But that’d be the easy way. Instead the Heather Locklear arrest story has chosen to get really weird. And it’s all the paparazzi’s fault.

Remember the good Samaritan who alerted the police to Heather Locklear’s erratic driving? Turns out she owns a paparazzi agency and managed to sell photos of Heather Locklear being arrested to TMZ for $27,000. So does that affect her credibility as a witness? Was she really just being a concerned citizen? Why’s Heather Locklear famous again? What was the date of the first Spanish Armada? Who are you? Why do our legs hurt so much?

Heather Locklear’s Director Miffed About Her DUI Arrest

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

People, we think we’ve found the root of all Heather Locklear’s problems – she’s about to star in a film with Billy Ray Cyrus.

It all make so much sense now – if you’d just spent several months making a family drama that nobody’s going to watch, and had to do it in the presence of Billy Ray Cyrus, getting tanked up on prescription medicine and parking your car in the middle of a busy motorway would seem like a perfectly sensible thing to do, too.

And now Heather Locklear has been arrested for DUI after allegedly doing exactly that, the director of this new movie has spoken out. Jim Amatuilli thinks that Heather Locklear’s DUI arrest is ‘sad’, especially since it followed Heather’s ‘solid’ work on the movie. Solid? That’s the best adjective he could drum up in her greatest hour of need? No wonder Heather Locklear went mental. And that’s not any solid. That’s solid compared to Billy Ray Cyrus. Honestly, next time just go for the more sympathetic ‘Oh, just kill yourself already,’ Jim.

Ryan O’Neal Bust: Tatum O’Neal Inexplicably Now Voice of Reason

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

$Ryan O\'Neal Arrest Redmond O\'Neal Tatum O\'Neal drugs$ Indications that your family is effed, volume 12: When Tatum O’Neal looks like the wisest, most together member of your gene pool.

By that right, the O’Neal family don’t stand a chance. On Wednesday Ryan O’Neal and his son Redmond were both arrested for the possession of methamphetamine during a routine probation sweep of their house, and it’s taken Tatum O’Neal to bring some perspective to the matter.

Yes, Tatum O’Neal – the woman who’s kissed Michael Jackson with tongues, claims to have had an orgy with Melanie Griffith, lost custody of her kids because she was wasted on heroin all the time and was recently arrested for trying to buy crack in New York – has put the Ryan O’Neal drug arrest into perspective. In summary, that perspective is as follows: Yeesh.

Actually Kanye West Says He Likes The Paparazzi, So There

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Airports make people tetchy, which explains Bjork’s Thailand tantrum, Elton John’s Taiwan tantrum and the inexplicable existence of Jeremy Spake.

It also explains Kanye West‘s ridiculous little outburst at the paparazzi in LAX yesterday, where he pulled his hood up over his head, swung his arms about like a girl and got arrested on suspicion of vandalism and battery as a result. But now that the heat of the moment has passed, Kanye West thinks that people might have got the wrong impression of him.

Yes, he might have apparently smashed up a photographer’s camera, but that didn’t stop Kanye West from leaping onto his blog this morning and telling the world that actually “I’m cool with the paparazzi.” But did Kanye West himself really write that? Doubtful – the 21-word post only contained four exclamation marks. Kanye’s average exclamation mark tally for a post that size is roughly seven hundred million billion. We smell a rat.

DMX Arrested Again, Again, Again, Again, Again, Again, Again… Again.

March 24th, 2009 By Ian Dransfield

Well thank all that is good and right in the world for DMX.

In today’s world of boring, pointless, vapid celebrities mincing around never doing anything, not causing any trouble and generally being thoroughly boring you could be forgiven for thinking that the entertainment that we, the public, rightly deserve from these fools is never going to come our way.

Then DMX goes and gets a mega-whammy of arrests for a number of different reasons – granted, he’s not going around stabbing people, but he is doing things that we’re allowed to take the piss out of. Which is clearly much better for us.

The most recent of DMX’s failures to obey the law came about when the rapper didn’t really manage to appear in court for an earlier arrest. Instead he went to hospital. Close, but not quite the right building. Must try harder.

Snoop Dogg Fails to Get Arrested on Drug Charge

March 24th, 2009 By Ian Dransfield

You think you have someone pinned for who they are and what they’re like, then they have to bloody well go and mix everything up by going and doing something stupid.

Which is exactly what ol’ D-O-double G Snoop Dogg has gone and done. Or, more accurately – has gone and not done.

It’s a given that normally you can rely on the Dizzle to carry a baton through customs, get arrested for carrying a gun and some naughty substances around in his car or simply to get banned from a country.

But oh no, not this time. He has to go and be all ‘not arrested’ and stuff.

Barenaked Ladies Drug Bloke To Fight His Charges Like A Beast

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

There’s a Barenaked Ladies song that goes “If I had $1,000,000/ I’d blow it all on coke/ and maybe a couple of hookers.”

Actually that might not be true – we don’t like Barenaked Ladies nearly enough to listen to one of their terrible songs – but they do have a song called If I Had $1,000,000 and, since the band’s singer Steven Page was arrested for cocaine possession this week, that scenario would probably make the most sense.

Or maybe it wouldn’t, because Barenaked Ladies have posted a message on their website saying that Steven Page will fight his charges to the ends of the Earth. Or until he’s convicted, sent to jail and used as a violent masturbatory tool by the entire prison population as a twisted revenge for his song about Chickedy China The Chinese Chicken. Whichever one happens first, basically.

Barenaked Ladies Singer Arrested For Something Other Than His Terrible Music

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

We always thought that Barenaked Ladies’ 1998 hit One Week could only come from a diseased, drug-ravaged mind.

And now we might have been proved correct. Steven Page, the guitarist and singer of twee, humourlessly chirpy Canadian folk-rock one-too-many hit wonders Barenaked Ladies has been arrested on suspicion of cocaine possession.

That’s right, kids, it looks like Barenaked Ladies are on drugs. Steven Page’s arrest has put us in a thoroughly bad mood – we can’t believe our heroes of the awful late-1990s acoustic radio pop scene are involved in drugs. Oh, say it hasn’t spread! Promise us that Sugar Ray are still clean! Look us in the eye and swear that Lyte Funky Ones don’t chase the dragon!

Nelson Mandela Gives Naomi Campbell The Birthday Boot

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Nelson Mandela is probably the closest thing to a living saint we've got – he's so kindly and warm, like Santa Claus, the Werther's Original grandpa and Ronald McDonald all rolled into one.

Nelson Mandela has got nothing but pure undiluted joy for every single person in the whole wide world – or at least he would have, if Naomi Campbell wasn't such a massive angry bitch all the time.

There's a big concert being held in Hyde Park for Nelson Mandela's 90th birthday tomorrow, and Naomi Campbell was on call to introduce some of the acts. However, since her recent air rage conviction it's been reported that Nelson Mandela himself has personally intervened to remove Naomi Campbell from proceedings. Hopefully there's still time to replace Naomi with a friendlier celebrity – perhaps Amy Winehouse's husband or the ghost of Saparmurat Niyazov or something.