What is the one thing The Apprentice has taught us? That’s right, that emotion has no place in the business environment.

And that’s probably why Joan Rivers won Celebrity Apprentice last night – thanks to all the plastic surgery she’s had, the only emotion she can ever properly display is a kind of constant resigned shock. But let’s stick to the point here – Joan Rivers won Celebrity Apprentice last night.

So congratulations, Joan Rivers – you’re now officially as good as Piers Morgan. Please celebrate this fact in the appropriate way, by which we mean either sobbing relentlessly or haplessly attempting suicide.

We get the feeling that this season of the British Apprentice has already peaked – especially now that the self-satisfied bellend with the voice like The Futureheads has been fired – but even if it hadn’t peaked, it would still have some way to go to top the heady heights of last night’s live three-hour Celebrity Apprentice finale in America.

Yes, you read that right. Three hours. Three full hours of watching Donald Trump’s contorted pink face bellow and puff in a series of ever-more disturbing ways beneath that ridiculous orange pube-bale that he tries to pass off as a haircut.

And live, too, so anything could happen, so long as by ‘anything’ you mean ‘developing deep-vein thrombosis in your arse while praying that the sleeping pills you desperately shovelled into your face at the midway point hurry up and kick in’.

Anyway, the eventual winner of Celebrity Apprentice was Joan Rivers. If anything, winning Celebrity Apprentice was Joan River’s reward for utilising her impressively diverse arsenal of business tactics throughout the show, from hardline straight-talking to fiery diva fits to intimidating would-be customers with her terrifying shiny frightmask of a face. BuddyTV reports on the Celebrity Apprentice finale, which saw Joan Rivers pitted against poker player Annie Duke:

The finale challenge–which had the remaining two contenders raise money by selling Cirque du Soleil tickets and providing a pre-show VIP party–saw Annie way ahead in earnings than Joan. While Annie also won props for integrating her charity well with the challenge, Joan took home points for attracting bigger celebrities and integrating another sponsor, Kodak, into the fore better.

So whether Joan Rivers deserved to win Celebrity Apprentice is still up for contention, but you still have to hand it to her for the tenacity she showed by beating all those other people we’ve never heard of. Her success is proof that 75-year-old women can still succeed in this world, but only so long as they’ve spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on having a number of age-defying surgical procedures on their faces to a varying degree of success and are especially bitter about everything.

But what did Joan Rivers win? This was Celebrity Apprentice, remember, so the prize wasn’t going to be a job with Donald Trump. Instead, Joan Rivers won some money for a charity and, if there’s any justice in the world, a bout of Trump-sex so overwhelmingly nightmarish that your eyes would fall out if you even gave it any serious thought.

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That’s why Donald Trump is wheeling out another season of Celebrity Apprentice. And, boy, are there some names this year. None of them are famous, you understand, but they do have names.

Apparently the media were informed about the Celebrity Apprentice contestants back in October, but were sworn to secrecy until now. Presumably this was because they needed three and a half months to Google the contestants to see who any of them actually were.

While the British version of The Apprentice is holding up surprisingly well – largely because of its elegance and determination to stick to a winning formula – Donald Trump’s original Apprentice has been on life support for longer than we can remember.

And that’s probably because there are so many different versions of it. The Apprentice, The Apprentice: Martha Stewart, the bewilderingly thought-out tent-dwelling The Apprentice: LA and the soon-to-be-aired The Apprentice: Glovepuppets, Domestic Pets & Industrial Machinery Edition.

And then there’s Celebrity Apprentice, the show where nobody becomes an apprentice and there aren’t any celebrities. Last year saw the debut of Celebrity Apprentice, a nailbiter of a show which was ultimately won by… oh, who cares who won? It’s not like anybody actually watched the bloody thing, is it?

However, resigned to the fact that the only thing that can stop Donald Trump turfing over Scotland, constructing the world’s most eye-bleedingly tasteless bar in the middle of it and reopening it as an executive golf course for wankers is to let him jab his stumpy little fingers at a bunch of people who might have been slightly famous about 20 years ago, NBC has decided to bring back Celebrity Apprentice for a second season.

The new season of Celebrity Apprentice starts in March, but that’s not what you want to know, is it? You want to know who’ll be taking part. So, just for you, here’s the full list of the 16 new Celebrity Apprentice contestants:

Clint Black: FAMOUS FOR – don’t know.

Andrew Dice Clay: FAMOUS FOR – don’t know.

Annie Duke: FAMOUS FOR – don’t know.

Tom Green: FAMOUS FOR – wanking off a horse.

Natalie Gulbis: FAMOUS FOR – don’t know.

Scott Hamilton: FAMOUS FOR – don’t know.

Jesse James: FAMOUS FOR – we think Cher might have sung a song about him once.

Claudia Jordan: FAMOUS FOR – being a box-monkey on Deal Or No Deal, which essentially makes her the American version of this turd.

Khloe Kardashian: FAMOUS FOR – being the sister of a woman who had it off with a man on the internet.

Brian McKnight: FAMOUS FOR – don’t know.

Joan Rivers: FAMOUS FOR – swearing on live TV.

Melissa Rivers: FAMOUS FOR – being the only woman on Earth to look several decades older than her own mother.

Brande Roderick: FAMOUS FOR – don’t know.

Dennis Rodman: FAMOUS FOR – being the most unresponsive person to ever appear on a reality TV show.

Herschel Walker: FAMOUS FOR – don’t know.

Tionne “T-Boz” Watkins: FAMOUS FOR – being half of the members of TLC who aren’t dead.

There. You don’t even have to watch it now. Thank us later.

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Donald Trump, at least momentarily, thought it would be a pretty good idea to have Mills sitting in his Celebrity Apprentice boardroom. We don’t blame him – she’d scuff the carpet 50% less than anyone else, vastly elongating the life of whatever carpet is involved. That’s why Trump’s a millionaire – he thinks about the little things like that.

Ends up though that Mills isn’t welcome on that show. According to rumour, she demanded a contractual stipulation that said if she appeared on the show, she’d be guaranteed a spot in the finale.

America likes to look at Heather Mills, but not for an entire season at a time. Watching her limp around everywhere she goes is enough to make a viewer’s own knees hurt, and that can only lead to a channel change.

On Celebrity Apprentice she would have been tolerable only so long as the competitive tasks included things like protecting baby seals with Paul McCartney’s jagged frozen corpse, and also getting a long drawn out divorce from that same dead body, or those same defended baby seals.

If the team competitions included things like that, Mills would soar to the finale on wings of the purest gold. That’s a metaphor for ‘with great ease.’ It was first made popular with the Mesopotamians, and later caught on well with the Roman culture.

But Donald Trump knows it would be foolish to give Mills such a tremendous advantage over the other contestants. No, she’d be on level playing ground with everyone else – and her chances of going home would be exactly the same as her competitors.

Perhaps that’s why when NBC approached her to be in the coming season, it was reported that she agreed only so long as she was guaranteed to be a finalist.

The Sun says:

“HEATHER MILLS lost a role in the US version of Celebrity Apprentice — after demanding a clause in her contract guaranteeing a place in the final. Mills…was lined up to take part in the reality TV hit…But producers at US network NBC got cold feet when she insisted she appear in the final regardless of her success in the show’s tasks. Producers refused, even though she headed the list of celebrities they wanted for the programme.”

We heard her contract also had a clause to provide her with love, life-long companionship and new leg made from sausage and pig tendons, but the NBC department that usually provides that kind of stuff is booked clean through ’til March.

We didn’t actually hear that.

That hasn't stopped suspiciously-haired zillionaire Donald Trump from name-dropping Ms. Mills in relation to the new series of US show The Celebrity Apprentice, however.

After the last batch of episodes featured such luminaries as Lennox Lewis, Piers Morgan, Gene Simmons and that bloke who was shot on a boat in The Sopranos, Trump has confirmed that several wannabes have been angling for a slot in the new run… and that the ex-Ms. McCartney was among them.

Trump waffled thus:

"Because The Apprentice did so well last time around, lots of people want to be on it. Including Heather Mills. We start shooting in four weeks. The names will be revealed then." 

Should Mills take part, she'll be required to give any winnings to a charity of her choice, which will no doubt increase the time she spends campaigning from 23 hours a day to 37, thereby tearing a rip in the fabric of time and possibility that may well affect the strip lighting mechanics over at Trump Towers.

Seems a bit unfair, to be honest – giving all that cash away when her poor five-year-old daughter is trying desperately to survive on a diet of twigs, moss and collected rainwater. Or was that £36,000-per-year? We can never remember.

Anyway – as the D-Man said – the show enters production in a month or so, which is presumably when you can expect to see Heather taking part in embarrassing corporate stunts and hawking arbitrary products on QVC. Which – in some parallel non-Beatle-marrying universe – she's been doing for the last six years anyway.

Also there’d be live sugar-craving geese in there with them – pecking away at unspecified things.

That show would be great indeed – and we’d watch it too. It’s a tragedy then, that it will never get made. Because in the next Celebrity Apprentice, D. Trump will come face to face with a murderer! We meant with an accused murderer! And might be killed himself! But probably not!

Keep in mind that nothing’s been finalised, but rumor has it that OJ Simpson wants him a slice of Apprentice.

Somebody re-word that last bit.

The best part about OJ Simpson wanting to take part in Donald Trump’s next Apprentice season is that we get to tell the murder jokes we’ve been dying to pass on! What’s that? We didn’t hear you because we had something in our throat and we were coffin! We’d better end this story soon because we currently find ourselves in the unfortunate circumstance of… getting stabbed!

Now let’s just hold on a minute.

This is getting out of hand. Why don’t we just turn things over to The NY Post:

It looks like there could be “killer” ratings in store for TV’s “The Celebrity Apprentice” if OJ Simpson gets his way. Page Six has learned the creepy double-murder acquittee has asked Donald Trump to allow him to appear on the top-rated NBC show next season. “Simpson really wants to do it. Trump and NBC are thinking about it, but are being very cautious,” our source said. “There’s a certain amount of heat associated with Simpson.”

We’ve heard Simpson was able to get his audience with Trump by waiting under his bed all day until he came home. If a deal is made, ratings will probably soar and Trump will get all his children back. We don’t remember where we heard that, but we swear its almost completely true. By some standard.

We think a reality Trump/Simpson combo is a pretty good idea, although The Apprentice may be the wrong platform. Trump’s newer idea though – where he wants to teach Spitzer’s slut-bag manners, that’s the one we really want to see Simpson in. He could be the guy that teaches her proper table etiquette – like knife handling.

Honestly, we could go on all day. Now what if Simpson was on that show, but instead of teaching – he learns. Trump has experts teaching Simpson lessons. It could be like a rehab thing. Season 2 could have Ted Kaczyinski and #3 could be the Olympic Park bomber. Or the bear he wrestled.

See, now we’re getting somewhere.

Read More:

Source: O.J. Simpson Wants to Be on ‘The Apprentice’ – Fox News

Basically, what we're saying is thank heavens for Celebrity Apprentice – the all-star version of the Donald Trump bellowing vehicle that's going to single-handedly save all of American television from imploding in on itself. Or at least that's what Celebrity Apprentice would do if, you know, it actually had any celebrities in it. The line-up for Celebrity Apprentice has been announced, and the two biggest names involved are Gene Simmons from obsolete rock band Kiss and Lennox Lewis from the RAC direct insurance adverts, with 12 other nonentities added to make up the numbers.

We hear the Celebrity Apprentice producers wanted to up the show's mean level of celebrity, but the old man who was in one episode of Casualty for three seconds with a broken finger in 1989 was too busy to take part.

Although it's British incarnation is still going strong thanks to it being exactly the same week after week and year after year, the original American version of The Apprentice fell on its arse a long time ago. People stopped watching sometime between Martha Stewart buggering it all up, Donald Trump firing his icy fembot sidekick and the show decamping to LA, where each week's losing team were forced to sleep in tents, and the show was axed – a shame, because it meant that Donald Trump and Mark Burnett never got round to debuting their 'losers must kill, disembowel and eat each week's fired candidate' gimmick.

However, thanks to the success of the British charity Celebrity Apprentice – where Rupert Everett pulled out midway through even though it was for charity, probably directly causing the deaths of up to 15 starving African orphans – Donald Trump was thrown a lifeline in July when NBC decided to make its own version of Celebrity Apprentice.

Finally, Donald Trump could get back on TV and stop hawking bits of meat and intimidating Scottish fishermen who don't want him to build a golf course on their house. And, although Rosie O'Donnell declined Trump's Celebrity Apprentice invite, good old Donald Trump has managed to get his hands on 14 of the most insanely famous megastars on the planet to take part on the show. Donald Trump himself says:

"This will be the most exciting season of The Apprentice yet—maybe even better than season one. Our 14 celebrity contestants are incredible individually, and as a group they will make The Celebrity Apprentice one of the hottest shows on television."

So who are these incredible contestants, these gods among men who variously inspire magisterial levels of subordination and outright lust in the general population just by the sound of their names alone? Well, the truth is we don't really know. None of the Celebrity Apprentice are really that famous, you see. But we're sure it was deliberate on Donald Trump's part – he probably turned down Madonna and Nelson Mandela and Tom Cruise and Ringo Starr and Princess Diana's ghost and whoever invented the Soulja Boy Dance in favour of the real Celebrity Apprentice contestants. And in case you were wondering, they happen to be:

Gene Simmons – Most famous for: discovering Lil' Chris

Stephen Baldwin – Most famous for: being Barney Rubble in The Flintstones: Viva Rock Vegas

Lennox Lewis – Most famous for: punching people for a living

Vincent Pastore – Most famous for: turning into a fish in The Sopranos

Piers Morgan – Most famous for: doing a vaguely unconvincing impression of Simon Cowell on America's Got Talent

Tiffany Fallon – Most famous for: her tits

Trace Adkins – Most famous for: singing songs about crop silos or something

Tito Ortiz - Most famous for: rolling around the floor with men in a homoerotic way

Carol Alt – Most famous for: her tits

Marilu Henner – Most famous for: being in a sitcom that hasn't been on TV for 24 years

Nadia Comaneci – Most famous for: being a Romanian gymnast

Nely Galan – Most famous for: hosting a three-year old reality TV show

Jennie Finch – Most famous for: playing softball. Softball

Omarosa – Most famous for: being on The Apprentice

You can see all of these A-listers get yelled at by Donald Trump when Celebrity Apprentice premieres on… oh, who cares. It's not as if you're actually going to watch Celebrity Apprentice, are you? Are you?