On Friday OJ Simpson was sentenced to anything between nine and 33 years in jail for his part in last year’s bewildering hotel room armed robbery. If he serves the full term, we’re looking forward to reading the book that 94-year-old OJ Simpson will publish on his release, tentatively titled If I Did It, Wait, What’s My Name Again? Who Are You? Are These My Trousers? They Smell Funny.

That’s unless OJ Simpson’s appeal is successful. Oh, didn’t we mention that part?

We’ve got the right hump with Nevada at the moment, we don’t mind telling you. Why? Because it’s spoiled our fun, that’s why.

For years OJ Simpson has been livening up our gloomiest moments with his inimitable presence, either by getting thrown out of restaurants by men who think he’s a murderer, writing books so galactically ill-advised that they barely seem conceivable or losing his possessions to a family who seem convinced that a dodgy knock-off Rolex will somehow ease their grief.

But that won’t be happening any more. On Friday, during his sentencing for the armed robbery that he was arrested for last year, OJ Simpson discovered that he’d be spending anywhere between nine and 33 years in the slammer. That means that, if he’s fortunate, OJ Simpson will be released from jail in time to see work begin on an actual elevator to space and, if he’s less lucky, OJ Simpson will be released from jail in time to see the last remaining polar bear drown as the arctic icecap melts away to nothing.

The truth is that OJ Simpson will probably end up serving a jail sentence somewhere between those two dates. But he shouldn’t get down, because it still gives him plenty of time to a) cover himself in several quickly-infected self-drawn tattoos, b) befriend a long succession of rats and birds, getting driven further into the realms of disturbing insanity each time one of them dies and c) be violently bummed so often that his rectum will prolapse and hang out of his bumhole like a smelly tail or the queen’s egg sac from the Aliens or something.

Or maybe it won’t because, somewhat inevitably, OJ Simpson has decided to question his sentence with what seems like a fairly frivolous appeal. AP reports:

“This is not a frivolous appeal,” Yale Galanter, Simpson’s lawyer, said. “There were some grave errors made by Judge (Jackie) Glass, and we think they are strong enough to overturn the conviction. We also think we have a shot at bail.” Galanter has cited six initial issues for appeal. The most significant concern could be the exclusion of blacks from the jury selection.

Oh, don’t pretend that you didn’t see this coming – the court was asking for trouble when it filled the jury with nothing but angry white people. But whether or not it’s enough to warrant a retrial remains to be seen.

But if it does, the court will need to get a wriggle on – given the sheer amount of fake heart attacks that characterised his trial, the court runs the risk of losing several important witnesses to anything from fake cardiac arrests to fake spontaneous human combustion, and nobody wants that.

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By now you’ve probably realised that OJ Simpson has been found guilty on all 12 charges of armed robbery and kidnapping, and that he could face anything up to life in jail for it. However, OJ Simpson now plans to appeal the decision from jail, where he’s being kept away from other prisoners to protect his own safety.

But still, OJ Simpson won’t find himself at a loss for anything to do now that he’s been found guilty on all charges. He can finally write that book he’s always wanted to, for example – the hypothetical If I Didn’t Do It, Here’s How It Didn’t Happen; a breathtaking account of how OJ Simpson was actually doing a spot of Sudoku and thinking about kittens when he was supposed to be holding some men up in a hotel room.

So that’s that, then. The jury in the OJ Simpson has found OJ guilty of all 12 charges. Who knew angry white folk could be so mean? Thanks to the jury’s verdict, OJ Simpson could be looking at life in jail when sentencing rolls around in December.

It’s an epic fall from grace for the man who, just last year, was living the high life only achieved by the select few who dare to write books on how they’d like to stab their already-murdered ex-wife to death if they had the chance. And now he might just spend the rest of his life behind bars.

The lesson from this is clear – if you ever want to burst into a hotel room with a gang of armed men to steal hundreds of sports memorabilia items, try to make sure that nobody’s secretly taping it at the same time. Because ultimately, as the jury pointed out, that’s what did OJ Simpson in. Sportingnews reports:

Jurors who convicted O.J. Simpson of armed robbery and kidnapping said Sunday they did not trust witness testimony in the case, and instead relied on audio and video recordings and other documented evidence to convict him. Jury foreman Paul Connelly said it was perhaps a waste for prosecutors to have given plea deals to several Simpson co-defendants in exchange for their testimony, since the jury did not rely on it.

What? You mean the court could have simply played the audio tape to the jury and they would have reached the same verdict? And we still had to wade through weeks and weeks of watching flabby old hasbeen wiseguys stumble around on the verge of heart attacks? That hardly seems like the most efficient way to go about business, does it?

Anyway, OJ Simpson is said to be ‘melancholy’ at the verdict, and he’s planning to appeal based on several factors including the racial mix of the jury and that some jurors may have believed this conviction was payback for his double murder acquittal five years ago.

That won’t happen for a while, though – appeals can’t be processed until sentencing, which won’t happen until December – so until then, OJ Simpson will have to remain in jail. That won’t be especially fun for OJ, because he’s apparently being kept away from other prisoners for his own safety.

Not because they want to kill him or anything, you understand, but because all the other prisoners are such big fans of OJ Simpson’s hidden camera prank DVD Juiced that they’d be constantly pestering him for an autograph at all hours of the day.

In fact, that’s what saddens us most about this conviction – it means OJ Simpson won’t be able to make any more volumes of Juiced. He could try it in prison, we guess, but having each prank end with the furious victim anally brutalising OJ Simpson in the municipal showers as a horrifically violent revenge act would probably get quite old quite fast.

And what was the most regrettable thing that Britney Spears did during her barmy lost weekend? No, not proving herself to be an untrustworthy mother or consistently becoming more and more of a global embarrassment with every single passing second – we’re talking about the time that Britney Spears sort of gently drove into a car in a car park. It was, quite frankly, outrageous.

We know this because people still aren’t shutting up about it – Britney’s lawyer is still trying to appeal against a criminal trial for the hit and run scheduled for next month. Experts have responded to the move by Michael Flanagan with shock. Slowly punching yourself in the face again and again while murmuring “Make it stop” does still count as shock, right?

As we will never tire of telling you, Britney Spears is back. Back back back. Britney Spears is back with awards, Britney Spears is back with a new album and Britney Spears is back with an exploitative book about Britney Spears written by her mother. That’s literally as back as you can get.

But it’s a tentative comeback. Over the last few months, Britney Spears and her family have worked as hard as they can with only one goal in mind – to get straight Britney back on the treadmill that almost destroyed her a few months ago. And, given all her recent psychiatric episodes, the smallest bump could demolish Britney’s painstakingly-constructed house of cards.

A bump like, ooh, a reminder of a crime she committed in her darkest days, for example? Say, the minor hit and run incident that Britney Spears got into over a year ago?

Some of you may remember that in the middle of all the fuss made about Britney Spears and the shaved head and the custody battles and the accusations of child abuse and the vomiting and the collapsing and the vaginas, Britney Spears knocked into the side of a car in a car park and walked away from the scene. Well, that’s what people are still banging on about.

There’s a chance that Britney Spears might have to face a criminal trial for the hit and run next month, but not if her attorney Michael Flanagan has anything to do with it. That’s because Michael Flanagan is claiming that Britney Spears isn’t back at all. In fact, he says she’s as mental as ever! E! Online reports:

He filed documents today in Los Angeles County Superior Court requesting a stay in the proceedings because she is remains under the control of a conservatorship. “The Probate Court has found that [Spears] lacks the capacity to retain counsel,” Flanagan writes, “as a result, [Spears] is currently unable to participate meaningfully in this matter.”

What? Surely not. Is Michael Flanagan really suggesting that robotically saying the word ‘womanizer’ 41 times in the space of three minutes doesn’t automatically give you the capacity to retain counsel any more? Gosh. Everything we thought we knew about the legal system is wrong.

Anyway, you can see why everyone is so anxious about getting this trial halted – if she’s forced to attend, the pressure could set her recovery back unbelievably. And nobody wants that – after all, crushing up Britney’s anti-psychotic medication and hiding it in her food is just so bloody time-consuming, isn’t it.

The star of the Blade trilogy, as well as Money Train – we’re not forgetting that one, Wesley – has had some… ‘troubles’, should we say, over the last couple of years. Troubles involving taxes. And how he didn’t bother to pay them between 1999 and 2001, apparently. Maybe he assumed his valuable contribution to movies was payment enough?

Regardless, the vampire-hunting, trash-talking basketballer who likes trains with money on them has been ordered by a federal judge to pay back $217,000 to the government, to cover the legal costs incurred in prosecuting him earlier this year.

Hopefully Wes can pull something like The Marksman 2: The Marksman in Space out of the bag to cover those bills. And use the tagline ‘Wesley. Snipes’. If it hasn’t already been done. And if it hasn’t, hecklerspray gets the copyright on that badboy.

Wesley is currently appealing against the decision to imprison him for three years after he misplaced his tax pen, or whatever his incredible defence for not reporting $11 million of income was, but it looks like this charge is set to stick. While it isn’t the hugest fine in the history of the world, it’s certainly another in the line of examples that the once-Simon Phoenix is being used to set. It would also seem that judges hate him.

When you take into account the fact that Wesley’s crime involved money, and how he didn’t pay it to the government when they say he should then – well, you start to understand why they’re being so harsh.

As we all know, money is the most important thing in the world, more so than a roof over our heads, a hot meal or even the air we breathe. Clearly they’re well within their rights to go overboard on all the charges, even forcing Wesley Snipes to pay for the prosecution that worked against him.

Ah well – it’s one of life’s lessons and one that Willie Mays Hayes is sure to have learned his lesson from, even if it does mean he won’t be able to bankroll Passenger 57 2: Passenger 57 in Space. Which is a crying shame.

To make matters worse for the 46-year-old, he could still end up going to jail for three years when the result of his appeal is decided. On the plus side, Snipes does have a lot of experience at fighting and doing excellent roundhouse kicks, so at least he’ll be able to handle his own in the joint, possibly making something of a name for himself.

Another positive of jail could be the gangland chums he’s sure to make on the inside – all of whom would add a great deal of authenticity when playing ‘Generic Baddie 3′ in Demolition Man 2: Demolition Man in Space.

Never let it be said that hecklerspray don’t try and help – we’re looking for positives, trying to cheer the guy up. It’s not like his real friends are much use.

And because of this, Wesley Snipes was supposed to hand himself over to federal officials next month so he could start his three-year jail sentence for whatever that thing was about taxes that he apparently did. But not so fast – Wesley Snipes isn’t going down without a fight! He’s been granted bail pending an appeal of his conviction.

This could mean that Wesley Snipes might avoid jail completely, although this really is his last pitch for freedom so he needs to give the appeal his absolute all. And you know what that means, Wesley? No more getting rambling boneheaded character witness statements from Woody Harrelson? OK, Wesley? Not even one. Promise us, it’s important.

Wesley Snipes is obviously an intelligent man – after all, he saw the potential in notorious career-hobbling flop Money Train when everyone around him was saying that it was an awful piece of shit – and this is a theory he proved time and time again during his recent tax-dodge trial.

Accused of not filing any tax returns between 1999 and 2001 – apparently gypping the American government out of enough money to buy a really very massive bomb or something in the process – Wesley Snipes always remained calm, rational and able to convince Denzel Washington to compare him to a tree in print whenever he wanted to.

Not that it worked, though – last month Wesley Snipes was sentenced to three years in jail for his crimes, and everyone packed away their Passenger 57 Original Soundtrack cassettes and hunkered down in the knowledge that the earliest we’d ever see White Men Can’t Jump 2: Nope, Still Not Great With The Jumping Thing would be some time after the year 2011. Wesley Snipes, it seemed, was done for.

Except actually he wasn’t – because once again Wesley Snipes is a free man. For a while. Until he gets an appeal, at least. Reuters reports:

Snipes’ lawyers and court officials in Ocala, Florida, said a judge had granted a request by the star of the “Blade” movie series to remain free on bond while he tries to overturn his federal tax convictions. U.S. District Judge William Terrell Hodges wrote that he was “dubious” of Snipes appeal arguments. In arguments for bail, his lawyers wrote that Snipes was “actively engaged in resolving his liabilities with the IRS civilly” and a meeting with the agency was scheduled for next week.

It would seem, then, that Wesley Snipes’ appeal will involve him throwing wads of money at the IRS and screaming “Jesus, I’m sorry, OK? I’m SORRY! Sheesh!”

Which, you have to admit, is more constructive than anything Wesley Snipes did during his main trial – where his arguments ranged from how he wasn’t actually a citizen of America but he just happened to live there and used its stuff all the time to how the IRS doesn’t actually exist like everyone says it does. And he got convicted for that. We know. Crazy.

Good luck, Wesley Snipes – the wishes of all rubbishy direct-to-DVD movie fans are with you.

Read more:

Wesley Snipes gets bail pending appeal in tax case – Reuters