But, anyway, David Duchovny has feelings, and those feelings are easily hurt. For example, why do you think that David Duchovny hasn’t directed a movie since 2004’s House Of D? Because that movie was so hamfisted and borderline offensive that nobody dares let him behind a camera again? No, it’s because the critical reaction hurt his feelings. Probably.

Something else that hurts David Duchovny’s feelings is when people say he’s been having sex with people he hasn’t been having sex with. So when The Daily Mail claimed that David Duchovny had a full-blown sexual affair with his tennis coach, his feelings were hurt immeasurably. You couldn’t put a price on how hurt David Duchovny was. But if you had to, it’d be $1 million. And David wants that money now. Now. No, really. Now.

When it comes to David Duchovny, there are certain things that you can and can’t say about him. For instance, you can say that X-Files: I Want To Believe was such a disappointment that you’d be happy if he never worked again, or that his TV show Californication is so bad, largely because of his own doughy face, that just thinking of the word ‘Californication’ makes you want to pull your jaw out and smash it into your eyes now.

You can even say that – as a self-confessed sex addict – it seems as though David Duchovny is just a big greedy child who lacks the basic self-control to respect his wife, whether it’s by having sex with other women or just hammering his sweaty little mushroom into a stump in front of the internet until his lap ends up looking like like a large and unusually hairy glazed Krispy Kreme doughnut. We’re pretty sure you can say that.

But what you can’t say is that David Duchovny had an affair with his tennis coach Edit Pakay. The Daily Mail said that earlier this week, and now David Duchovny’s suing it for a million dollars. Fox News reports:

Duchovny filed a lawsuit in the Los Angeles Superior Court on Wednesday for defamation and invasion of privacy against The Daily Mail, seeking no less than $1 million in damages. On October 18 the well-known tabloid claimed that the “Californication” star was having a “full-blown sexual affair” with his tennis teacher Edit Pakey and that he had planned to leave his wife of 11 years to be with her.

Because David Duchovny apparently wasn’t having an affair with his tennis coach – who incidentally, it’s claimed, wasn’t even his tennis coach – the report caused him ’substantial harm’. A million dollars’ worth of harm, in fact.

For what it’s worth, we haven’t had sex with any tennis instructors recently either, so if there are any newspapers that would like to pay us a million dollars for that as well, we’d appreciate that. Just so everyone knows.

And, since David Duchovny is such a busy man, he’d leap at the chance to consolidate those two loves into one manageable love by having it off with his tennis instructor a lot, wouldn’t he? Well, apparently not – David Duchovny’s lawyer has denied reports that Duchovny had an affair with Edit Pakay, his tennis instructor.

True, David Duchovny still loves tennis and sex – but since his sex addiction treatment, the thought of meaningless sex with an athletic young woman fills him with repulsion. Now the only way that David Duchovny could combine tennis and sex is by hiring local street whores and challenging them to five-set matches, and that’s just impractical – we know from experience that those whores charge double for backhand lobs.

Tennis is sexy, isn’t it? All those short skirts, tight tops and orgasmic screams are a definite turn-on. In fact, tennis is so sexy to us that the only way we can perform these days is if there’s an elderly man in an excessively tall chair next to us loudly scoring our intercourse point by point. And a crowd of lonely housewifes occasionally shouting half-hearted encouragement at us. And we have to stop every time it rains. And a child has to run around collecting our stray balls.

But that’s just us. David Duchovny is not like that at all. Even though he used to be a sex addict, and would therefore hump a cactus if it was showing enough bra strap, David Duchovny has never linked sex and tennis. Especially now that he’s been cured of the sex addiction – now we assume that he’d rather launch a frenzied attack on his own genitals with a kitchen knife than actually let a semi-aroused thought cross his mind.

And that’s why David Duchovny has taken the unprecedented step of making his lawyer release a statement denying the current rumours that David Duchovny had a six-month affair with his tennis instructor Edit Pakay. People reports:

“The stories about an alleged affair between David Duchovny and his tennis instructor, Edit Pakay, are completely false. Ms. Pakay denied the rumors to me in person last Friday, saying they are just friends, and in addition, said in writing that such stories are ‘lies and deceit.”

We have no reason to assume that David Duchovny ever had an affair with his tennis instructor. Because, if we were David Duchovny’s tennis instructor, the last thing we’d do is let him shove his blistered, red-raw sweaty little acorn anywhere near our insides. That manky little man-flute could have been anywhere. Ugh.

So David Duchovny didn’t have an affair with his tennis instructor. That’s a shame – since David Duchovny and Tea Leoni have now split up, we’re sure it’d be nice for David to find some non-sexual companionship with a female sports instructor somewhere.

Maybe David Duchovny should take up curling. Seriously, we hear those people are slags.

So it is the rest of us find ourselves burdened with the unwelcome responsibility of literally flooding that country with entire tankers full of viable spooj. It’s a difficult task, and sometimes their Customs inspectors act like they really don’t even need out reproductive juices. In the end their desire to not die out as a people always wins out, and they stamp the paperwork in the right places and wave our caravans on through.

You’re welcome, Uganda.

Casey Aldridge knows what it is to be cursed with incredible fertility. After all – his knocking up of Jamie Lynn Spears is enough to prove that. If current rumors are to be believed, he’s so fertile that he was even risking another woman’s pregnancy while his precious schnooky-pie Spears was a plump 6 months pregnant.

Like we said, if rumors are to be believed.

Kelli Dawson is a 28 year old woman who wants nothing more than to attend a good prom and pretend like the night will never end. We’ve seen pictures of her, and think she’d look really nice wearing something with poofy green sleeves. Just an idea Kelli, you can wear what you like on your special night.

We actually don’t know if attending more proms is something she really looks forward to, but what we do know is it seems to have been a real possibility in the recent past – she claims to have been ‘hot & heavy’ with young Casey Aldridge while his man-milk magically multiplied into a baby deep inside Jamie Lynn Spears’ pink fortress.

As Monsters & Critics words things:

“Kelli Dawson, a 28 year-old who is the alleged “other woman” is talking about her relationship with Jamie Lynn’s man in the tabloids. Dawson says she met 19 year-old Casey back in November 2006 at the home of her sister. Casey was already dating Jamie Lynn, but according to Dawson that did not matter, they had sexual chemistry.”

You can’t deny love like that, can you? It’s like Antony and Cleopatra, its like that one prince and the Little Mermaid, its like Bruce Boxleitner and Ra, all powerful Egyptian god of the sun. It’s a love for the ages, destined to inspire poets & painters alike. And what specifically will inspire? Stories like this one – a quote from Dawson’s own mouth, according to In Touch Weekly:

“One morning, he called and asked me to meet him in town. I said, ‘You’re supposed to be on a flight right now,’ and he said, ‘I’m not going.’ He called Jamie Lynn and told her that she would have to go by herself. She was irate. I think she knew he was staying because of me.”

Quick! Somebody fetch us a quill, some Indian ink, and a piece of parchment with a delicately frayed border! We’ve got some rhymes a-formin’!

However, Madonna is adamant that she definitely didn’t break up the marriage of New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez and his wife Cynthia. In her divorce papers, Cynthia is claiming that Alex and Madonna’s ‘affair of the heart’ was the event that pushed their marriage beyond repair.

But Madonna has point blank denied that she had an affair of the heart with Alex Rodriguez. And we agree with Madonna. After all, an affair of the heart would suggest some sort of emotional involvement and, having seen Swept Away, we know only too well that Madonna isn’t that great at emotions. Now, if they’d claimed an affair of the fanny it’d be a different story entirely.

Madonna loves media attention when it’s about something she can control, like jiggling around on a giant glittery crucifix in front of a bishop or whatever. But when the media focuses on something that Madonna wouldn’t like it to focus on – like the current furore over her alleged affair with Alex Rodriguez or the way the skin on her hands looks like it’s made of old scrotums – then you have a very miserable Madonna indeed.

To recap Madonna’s current alleged love pentagon for those of you who’ve been lucky enough to avoid it so far – Madonna and Guy Ritchie might be on the verge of a divorce, which might be because Madonna could have had an affair with Alex Rodriguez, whose wife has just filed for divorce and run off with Lenny Kravitz. There’s probably also some religious brainwashing going on, too, but we’re not sure how relevant that is.

Clear? Good. Now dismiss that entire last paragraph from your mind, because Madonna says it’s all a load of bollocks.

In her divorce papers, Cynthia Rodriguez cites the ‘affair of the heart’ that Madonna had with her husband as the moment that she knew her marriage was over. However, Madonna’s fairly certain that she didn’t have an affair of the heart, primarily because she had her heart surgically replaced with a spare vagina 15 years ago. The Sun reports:

A source involved in his divorce battle revealed last night: “Madonna’s outraged. She told his wife Cynthia’s lawyers not to make any more statements about her – in short, shut up.” Lawyers say his association with Madonna, 49, is NOT sexual. But a US TV station still mocked up how a love child might look.

The tension between all the key players is getting to be unbearable, isn’t it? And all this talk of ‘affairs of the heart’ has kick-started a number of public debates about the point where friendship ends and infidelity begins, too.

It might seem like a silly squabble involving an overpaid athlete and an annoying popstar for now, but this divorce might actually end up setting an important precedent or two about emotional faithfulness.

Not that we give a toss, though – these days we only care about divorces that involve men spending $3000 a month on porn. Come back and talk to us when that happens.

]]> http://www.hecklerspray.com/madonna-narked-off-about-this-a-rod-affair-talk/200815146.php/feed 2 http://www.hecklerspray.com/is-madonna-whacking-a-rods-balls-out-of-the-park/200815027.php http://www.hecklerspray.com/is-madonna-whacking-a-rods-balls-out-of-the-park/200815027.php#comments Wed, 02 Jul 2008 15:00:45 +0000 Stuart Heritage http://www.hecklerspray.com/?p=15027 Now that it's semi-official that Madonna and Guy Ritchie are on the verge of a divorce, it's time to find out why – and apparently 'because he's Guy Ritchie' isn't a valid answer.

One theory that's currently doing the rounds is that Madonna has been getting closer and closer to New York Yankees baseball star Alex Rodriguez. So close, in fact, that Rodriguez apparently made a secret late-night visit to Madonna's apartment almost immediately after his wife gave birth to their second child.

If these reports are true, then it looks like Madonna and Guy Ritchie's marriage is done for. Still, it's not all bad. True, Guy Ritchie will be losing the love of his life and the mother of his son forever, but at least he won't have a veiny middle-aged woman hanging around all the time yattering away in the world's least convincing British accent with her vagina hanging out. Swings and roundabouts, really.

It's no secret that the marriage between Guy Ritchie and Madonna can get a little bit fractious at times. For almost the entire length of their union they've weathered claims that they're constantly on the cusp of splitting up – but what do you expect? They're both notoriously headstrong career-minded individuals – Madonna has single-handedly smashed gender barriers to become one of the most consistently famous people on earth, while Guy Ritchie is so obsessive about his work that he often won't stop slaving over a movie until it's completely unwatchable.

But this time the divorce rumours seem to be sticking, not least because Madonna has actually hired a divorce lawyer. But why? What's caused this dramatic break-up?

Was it the strain that the adoption of David Banda put on the marriage? Was it because Guy Ritchie accidentally watched a copy of Madonna's 1993 erotic thriller Body Of Evidence and realised that not even he thought Madonna was very sexy? Was it because Madonna dry-heaved constantly during the recording of that song about how good Guy Ritchie is at sex?

Or was it because Madonna's been using her tooth-gap as a kind of semi-regular holding nook for Alex Rodriguez's penis? We don't know, but that doesn't mean we can't idly speculate about it for fun.

Alex Rodriguez is famous for two things. One is playing baseball, which we hear is the most erotic overlong stoppage-filled American spectator sport around. The other is that his nickname is A-Rod, which makes him sound like an on-call plumbing service.

Having said that, Alex Rodriguez is probably about to become much more famous for his sneaky late night visits to Madonna's apartment, including one time right after his his wife had just given birth to a baby. Are they doing it? Us Weekly bravely investigates:

One source tells Us that Rodriguez, 32, visited the singer, 49, possibly as early as the night after his wife gave birth. A source tells Us, that Madonna has been hosting late-night visits… and he would sneak out "as late as midnight." Rodriguez also attended Madonna's concert at Roseland in NYC on April 30. "He was very chummy with her after her Roseland concert," a source tells Us.

While claims of an affair have been denied by Madonna's publicist, it wouldn't be an unthinkable scenario – Alex Rodriguez has previously been busted in the press for hanging out with strippers on trips away from his wife, while Madonna is married to Guy Ritchie and therefore probably desperate to have sex with someone that doesn't look like a potato for once. We'll just have to wait and see whether these claims hold any water.

Let's hope they don't, because then Madonna would have a hopeless movie career and a sportsman boyfriend – she'd just be one cacky reality TV show away from turning into Jessica Simpson. Seriously, one's enough.

Except one. GMTV’s Kate Garraway – who took part in last year’s Strictly Come Dancing – definitely didn’t have sex with her chinny professional partner Anton Du Beke, and if you say she did you have to give her loads of money.

Which is what the Sunday Mirror has done after publishing a story claiming that Kate Garraway and Anton Du Beke were having an affair. In retrospect it seems like a silly claim – the thought of a Garraway/Du Beke affair seems ludicrous. Because, well, because he’s a massive chinny chin machine with a great big chinny chin.

Typical. Our life is basically a procession of not sleeping with any dancers whatsoever at all over a period of many, many years. But nobody cares about that, do they? Meanwhile Kate Garraway doesn’t sleep with one dancer once and newspapers have to chuck all kinds of substantial libel damages at her. Really, where’s the justice?

Earlier this year, The Sunday Mirror published a report that appeared to claim that Kate Garraway and Anton Du Beke were continuing an affair that began when they took part on Strictly Come Dancing together.

But it turns out that the report was absolutely false, because Kate Garraway has just accepted a giant lump of cash from the Sunday Mirror because of all the nasty lies it told. BBC News reports:

GMTV presenter Kate Garraway has accepted “substantial” libel damages from the Daily Mirror and Sunday Mirror over claims she committed adultery. The star, who is married to former Labour spin doctor Derek Draper, said she was “glad” the matter was resolved. “The way my friendship with Anton was twisted into something sordid was terribly unfair and upsetting,” the 39-year-old said. “No-one likes to take legal action against a newspaper but I could see no alternative.”

You know, we’d even go one step further than Kate Garraway here – claiming that she had an affair with Anton Du Beke isn’t just sordid, it’s downright nonsensical. Put yourself in Anton Du Beke’s place and you’ll see why.

Firstly, prior to Kate Garraway, Anton Du Beke’s other Strictly Come Dancing partners were Lesley Garrett, Esther Rantzen, Jan Ravens and Patsy Palmer. Having to dance with those women week after week would turn any man into a snarling misogynist who’d rather stab forks into his eyes than bring himself to look at a female again, let alone have sex with one.

Secondly, and this is the most important point, did you see how Kate Garraway danced on Strictly Come Dancing? They say that how someone dances is an indication of how they have sex, and if that’s the case then making love to Kate Garraway must be like catching your genitals in a bear trap that’s been welded to an out-of-control washing machine balanced on a trampoline in a wind tunnel.

And – trust us, this is experience talking – no man wants to do that. Not again.

Read more:

GMTV host Garraway wins damages - BBC

Well unremember it. It didn't happen. Yes, we know that X17 – the website that broke the story – published all sorts of saucy text messages allegedly from Tony Parker to this model, but they were faked. X17 has admitted that it was all twaddle of the highest order.

So how has X17 chosen to apologise for all the stress it's caused Eva Longoria and Tony Parker? By mumbling the most underwhelming apology in history. But at least it's an apology – we're still waiting for X17 to say sorry for making us think about Eva Longoria for any more than we absolutely have to.

It's the age-old story – boy meets girl, boy somehow remains oblivious to girl's inherent annoyingness, boy marries girl, boy meets pretty French model at own wedding, boy starts shagging model, wife remains annoying. It's a story that happens two, maybe three, hundred times every day.

But it definitely didn't happen to Eva Longoria and Tony Parker. Yes, we know that back in December there was that story about Tony Parker shagging the pretty French model Alexandra Paressant who he met at his wedding, but it was all a bunch of lies. X17 – the website that broke the story – has admitted that it was totally unfounded.

In fact, Tony Parker had never met Alexandra Paressant, nor had he sent her any filthy text messages as X17 claimed, nor was she even at the Tony Parker/ Eva Longoria wedding in the first place.

There was talk of Tony Parker wanting to sue X17 for $40 million for publishing these dastardly untruths, but X17 has had a better idea – instead of paying Eva Longoria and Tony Parker all that money, or apologising and actually meaning it, it'd just publish the crappiest and most insincere apology it could muster. TMZ reports:

X17 posted an apology Friday, saying, in part, "X17online.com and X7 [sic], Inc. regret having been misled by Ms. Paressant and her representatives and apologize to Mr. Parker for any damage or inconvenience this may have caused him or his wife." 

Yes, that should make up nicely for almost ripping a marriage apart. Well done chaps.

But at least Eva Longoria and Tony Parker's marriage is strong enough to withstand torrents of falsehoods like this – it looked as if Eva Longoria never once believed that Tony Parker would stray from her – although that might be more down to the alarmingly high self-regard she has than anything else.

And also, if the story about Tony Parker's affair is false, then the statements that Alexandra Paressant gave in her interview must have also been false. One of those statements was that Eva Longoria hated oral sex because she thought that sperm gave you acne, so that has to be false as well. Which means that Eva Longoria loves sperm and gets her way through a bucket of it every single day.

With a straw. She's not an animal.

Please don't sue us.

Read more:

X17's Apology — Greatest Understatement Ever – TMZ 

But imagine if you're married to Sean Penn and all of a sudden Sienna Miller starts openly flirting with him. Would you smash Sienna's pointless little face in? Would you just be thankful that he'd stopped the war-ranting for a handful of joyous seconds? Or would you just divorce Sean Penn?

Sean Penn's wife did the last one, apparently. Lazy bitch – she could have at least tried the first one while she was at it.

Sienna Miller might not have ever been able to make a film that didn't make us want to squeeze our fists up our nostrils and rabbit-punch our brain to death, but that isn't to say that she doesn't have any other special talents. For example, it looks an awful lot like Sienna Miller can plough through famous cock like a combine harvester operated by a grinning toddler jacked up on Red Bull.

In the last couple of years Sienna Miller has been linked to Jude Law and Darth Vader and Leonardo DiCaprio and the dirty-looking man from Notting Hill and Diddy and, of course, her own reflection. But now the well is running dry for Sienna and she's had to get it where she can. And, if reports are to be believed, that means Sean Penn. Even though he looks like an embittered, penniless Mr Punch doll who'd rather stab himself through the heart than ever crack a smile at anything.

Sean Penn split up with his wife of 20 years recently and nobody knows why – aside from the fact that, you know, he's Sean Penn and he probably never did the dishes because he was too busy trying to do an impression of a disabled man for a film after reading a report about how you always win an Oscar if you play a disabled man – until now. Possibly.

Whatever you do, try not to visualise this – we'd hate for you to sue us because you vomited so hard that your eyes popped out – but reports are suggesting that Sienna Miller was the third party in the Sean Penn divorce. According to The New York Daily News:

A source recalls a party in a suite at a New York hotel where they both were staying. "Sienna was sitting on Sean's lap," according the source. "She was dressed very sexily. She had her arm around his neck." That night, claims the source, they stayed up quite late. One Penn friend maintains there was never anything romantic between them. "Sienna is like that with everyone," says the friend. "She's very physical. She drapes herself over people she likes. She doesn't mean a lot by it."

Sienna Miller's slave also denies an affair, calling the rumours "outrageously untrue." So why, then, would she even go near Sean Penn? Well, it might have something to do with the fact that Sean Penn is a big name in Hollywood and a successful actor and director to boot, while Sienna Miller looks like the sort of person who'd burn down an orphanage if it got her one extra close-up in a movie.

Maybe this can all be explained away as a case of Sienna trying to use her feminine wiles to get a part in Sean's next film. Which we'd be totally cool with, actually. So long as it was a sequel to Into The Wild that ended with Sienna freezing to death in an arctic wasteland.

Read more:

Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn split up after (Sienna) Miller time - NY Daily News

X17 is the picture agency that first published reports – along with text messages apparently proving it – that Tony Parker had slept with Alexandra Paressant after meeting her for the first time at his own wedding, partly because he was fed up about Eva Longoria yammering on about how sperm gives you acne all the time. But Tony Parker denies having sex with – or even ever meeting – this model so strenuously that he's after $40 million in damages.

Incidentally, if $40 million is the going rate for not having sex with models that you've never met, then we've estimated that we're owed roughly all the money in the whole wide world. Cash is fine. Or a cheque. Or food. Scraps of food. We're so hungry. Anyone?

When you're married to someone like Eva Longoria, as Tony Parker is, there's no need to cheat. With Eva Longoria you get to see that legendary cameltoe in its actual size instead of blown up so huge that the cosmonauts can see it, plus you get to experience that world-famous irritating narcissistic rasp all day, every day, non-stop, all the time until the day you die. Why would you even bother looking elsewhere?

Tony Parker knows that you definitely wouldn't, not at all, especially with French models that he's never even met before. But that didn't stop X17's website from publishing an interview with French model Alexandra Paressant where she claimed to have had a two-month affair with Tony Parker that started when Thierry Henry introduced the pair at Tony's wedding and ended when she discovered he was cheating on her with a third woman.

Alexandra Paressant also claimed that Eva Longoria doesn't like having sex in front of a mirror and thinks sperm gives you acne. Which it apparently does, as a sperm expert told us.

Eva Longoria and Tony Parker have already denied these claims – about the affair, not the jizz-acne – but now Tony Parker has taken things one step further, by suing X17 for $40 million over it. In the lawsuit, Tony Parker claims he doesn't even know who Alexandra Paressant is:

"This is false. It never happened. And X17 had to know that the story was false, or, at the very least, it had to have entertained serious doubts about the credibility of its supposed source. No one from X17 attempted to contact Mr. Henry, who … would have told them in no uncertain terms that this woman was not at the wedding. If this woman exists, he has no way of knowing whether she is one of the many fans who have, from time to time, managed to obtain his cell phone number and called or left messages or who may have engaged him in conversation."

So Tony Parker must be fairly certain that he didn't have a two-month affair with a French model, in which case good for him. This blistering denial will only help to keep his marriage to Eva Longoria rock-solid, or at least as rock-solid as a marriage can be when your wife is a self-absorbed midget with a voice like a toy dog impersonating a machine gun.

Read more:

Parker Sues Web Site That Claimed Affair – Associated Press