Celebrity Affair - HecklerSpray

No, Honestly, David Duchovny Really Didn’t Shag The Tennis Lady

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

He might be a sex addict, but remember that David Duchovny has feelings – well, not on his penis, we’re presuming that he wore all the nerve ending off that years ago.

But, anyway, David Duchovny has feelings, and those feelings are easily hurt. For example, why do you think that David Duchovny hasn’t directed a movie since 2004’s House Of D? Because that movie was so hamfisted and borderline offensive that nobody dares let him behind a camera again? No, it’s because the critical reaction hurt his feelings. Probably.

Something else that hurts David Duchovny’s feelings is when people say he’s been having sex with people he hasn’t been having sex with. So when The Daily Mail claimed that David Duchovny had a full-blown sexual affair with his tennis coach, his feelings were hurt immeasurably. You couldn’t put a price on how hurt David Duchovny was. But if you had to, it’d be $1 million. And David wants that money now. Now. No, really. Now.

David Duchovny Not Smashing His Balls Into Tennis Instructor

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

David Duchovny’s two big loves are tennis and squalid joyless sex with women who may as well just be watermelons with holes in them. Allegedly.

And, since David Duchovny is such a busy man, he’d leap at the chance to consolidate those two loves into one manageable love by having it off with his tennis instructor a lot, wouldn’t he? Well, apparently not – David Duchovny’s lawyer has denied reports that Duchovny had an affair with Edit Pakay, his tennis instructor.

True, David Duchovny still loves tennis and sex – but since his sex addiction treatment, the thought of meaningless sex with an athletic young woman fills him with repulsion. Now the only way that David Duchovny could combine tennis and sex is by hiring local street whores and challenging them to five-set matches, and that’s just impractical – we know from experience that those whores charge double for backhand lobs.

Jamie Lynn Spears’ Future Husband Ain’t Married Yet

March 24th, 2009 By Shawn Lindseth

Some places in the world are stymied by plagues of infertility. Take Uganda for instance, people there haven’t had decent sperm for decades.

So it is the rest of us find ourselves burdened with the unwelcome responsibility of literally flooding that country with entire tankers full of viable spooj. It’s a difficult task, and sometimes their Customs inspectors act like they really don’t even need out reproductive juices. In the end their desire to not die out as a people always wins out, and they stamp the paperwork in the right places and wave our caravans on through.

You’re welcome, Uganda.

Casey Aldridge knows what it is to be cursed with incredible fertility. After all – his knocking up of Jamie Lynn Spears is enough to prove that. If current rumors are to be believed, he’s so fertile that he was even risking another woman’s pregnancy while his precious schnooky-pie Spears was a plump 6 months pregnant.

Like we said, if rumors are to be believed.

Madonna Narked Off About This A-Rod Affair Talk

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

If Madonna has broken up any marriages in the past, it’d probably be because her cameo appearance in Will & Grace was so terrible that it literally drove couples apart.

However, Madonna is adamant that she definitely didn’t break up the marriage of New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez and his wife Cynthia. In her divorce papers, Cynthia is claiming that Alex and Madonna’s ‘affair of the heart’ was the event that pushed their marriage beyond repair.

But Madonna has point blank denied that she had an affair of the heart with Alex Rodriguez. And we agree with Madonna. After all, an affair of the heart would suggest some sort of emotional involvement and, having seen Swept Away, we know only too well that Madonna isn’t that great at emotions. Now, if they’d claimed an affair of the fanny it’d be a different story entirely.

Is Madonna Whacking A-Rod’s Balls Out Of The Park?

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Now that it's semi-official that Madonna and Guy Ritchie are on the verge of a divorce, it's time to find out why – and apparently 'because he's Guy Ritchie' isn't a valid answer.

One theory that's currently doing the rounds is that Madonna has been getting closer and closer to New York Yankees baseball star Alex Rodriguez. So close, in fact, that Rodriguez apparently made a secret late-night visit to Madonna's apartment almost immediately after his wife gave birth to their second child.

If these reports are true, then it looks like Madonna and Guy Ritchie's marriage is done for. Still, it's not all bad. True, Guy Ritchie will be losing the love of his life and the mother of his son forever, but at least he won't have a veiny middle-aged woman hanging around all the time yattering away in the world's least convincing British accent with her vagina hanging out. Swings and roundabouts, really.

Kate Garraway Wins Cash For Not Shagging That Dancer

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

The best thing about Strictly Come Dancing is that all the celebrities are clearly sleeping with their dance partners. Clearly.

Except one. GMTV‘s Kate Garraway – who took part in last year’s Strictly Come Dancing – definitely didn’t have sex with her chinny professional partner Anton Du Beke, and if you say she did you have to give her loads of money.

Which is what the Sunday Mirror has done after publishing a story claiming that Kate Garraway and Anton Du Beke were having an affair. In retrospect it seems like a silly claim – the thought of a Garraway/Du Beke affair seems ludicrous. Because, well, because he’s a massive chinny chin machine with a great big chinny chin.

X17 Semi-Sorry For Almost Killing Eva Longoria’s Marriage

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Remember when Eva Longoria's husband Tony Parker was caught shagging that model he met at his wedding?

Well unremember it. It didn't happen. Yes, we know that X17 – the website that broke the story – published all sorts of saucy text messages allegedly from Tony Parker to this model, but they were faked. X17 has admitted that it was all twaddle of the highest order.

So how has X17 chosen to apologise for all the stress it's caused Eva Longoria and Tony Parker? By mumbling the most underwhelming apology in history. But at least it's an apology – we're still waiting for X17 to say sorry for making us think about Eva Longoria for any more than we absolutely have to.

Did Sienna Miller Bugger Up Sean Penn’s Marriage?

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Now, being married to Sean Penn must be crap at the best of times – it'd be like living with an intense, chainsmoking tramp who won't stop ranting away in the background about the war from morning until night.

But imagine if you're married to Sean Penn and all of a sudden Sienna Miller starts openly flirting with him. Would you smash Sienna's pointless little face in? Would you just be thankful that he'd stopped the war-ranting for a handful of joyous seconds? Or would you just divorce Sean Penn?

Sean Penn's wife did the last one, apparently. Lazy bitch – she could have at least tried the first one while she was at it.

Tony Parker Wants $40m For Not Shagging That Model

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Eva Longoria's husband Tony Parker is denying that cheated on his wife with French model Alexandra Paressant so strongly that he's suing X17 for $40 million over it.

X17 is the picture agency that first published reports – along with text messages apparently proving it – that Tony Parker had slept with Alexandra Paressant after meeting her for the first time at his own wedding, partly because he was fed up about Eva Longoria yammering on about how sperm gives you acne all the time. But Tony Parker denies having sex with – or even ever meeting – this model so strenuously that he's after $40 million in damages.

Incidentally, if $40 million is the going rate for not having sex with models that you've never met, then we've estimated that we're owed roughly all the money in the whole wide world. Cash is fine. Or a cheque. Or food. Scraps of food. We're so hungry. Anyone?