Had a kid – that’s the one. We even told you about the pregnancy, as we’re nice.

This newest one brings his tally up to three of the little blighters, meaning Matt Damon is now the (presumably) proud father of three daughters, the newest one to the clan being named, in a trademark celebrity cruel-o-fashion, Gia Zavala. Oh well, at least it isn’t a new brand of carpet or anything.

Luciana Damon, Matt’s wife no less, is originally from Argentina though so there’s a possible explanation for the name there. Maybe they aren’t as cruel as we initially thought…

Nevertheless, there is a new sprog to add to the pile and surely some money to be made from the pictures that will inevitably get sold off to the highest bidder, as we all know. Unless, of course, Matt exercises some show of integrity and doesn’t force his newest daughter to become a mercenary from birth.

But we cannot judge every celebrity that decides to use their gametes to make new people with the same judging stick we use on everybody’s favourite celebs Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. For maybe – just maybe – there may be a family in the spotlight that manages to retain some semblance of normality.

One that doesn’t feel the need to adopt everyone from everywhere, join whatever fashionable religion is passing by that looks cool or sell their own children out for some quick kudos points. Like we said – maybe. As in: ‘most likely not though’.

We can live in hope. The fact that the birth of the new Damon wasn’t announced with a huge amount of fanfare can give us all some extra faith that maybe, just possibly, this may mark a new beginning in the world of celebrity births. That the kids won’t immediately be whored out. That we can look at genuine news publications without being confronted by the images of some fleshy little bags that we can’t tell apart.

This is the world we want to live in, and this is the world that Matt Damon can help to create. Hopefully.

Speaking to E! Online, Matty uttered the following – possibly while looking disheveled and scared (but still sexy), and unfortunately not covering whether or not he would be changing the world as we know it:

“I’m so outnumbered down here, it’s crazy.”

Fortunately Matt’s Bourne training can come into play if the four girls ever get out of hand. A swift book to the throat is sure to calm any rowdy family down, that’s for sure. Not that we’d condone that kind of behaviour of course, we’re merely stating a known fact.

Reports that Bono is said to be eyeing up another godfathering role are said to be grossly exaggerated. Obviously that is the point when we’d start condoning the use of Bourne-like force to stop someone in their tracks.

Wow – imagine hitting that Irish prat with a book. It would be a dream come true.

Yes, Billy-Bob Thornton has made claims that Angelina Jolie may come crawling back to him at some point, once she’s done with her relationship with that Brad Pitt character. We’re not sure when that will be, mind, as she has just about to have some of those child things, with Pitt serving up half of the chromosomes in the deal.

But hey – he’s already had a crack at her, so why shouldn’t ol’ Billy-Bob be confident?

See, Thornton has a theory on Jolie’s relationship with the pretty-boy Pitt. And in fine Hollywood fashion he’s decided that it’s something we all need to know about, rather than something that should probably stay firmly locked up in his head lest it sound like the insane rantings of a jealous old man.

Talking at a press conference for his new album, Billy, Bobby, whatever he’s called said:

“She’s just going through a high school phase. You know dating the quarterback of the football team with Brad Pitt over there. She’ll be waking up from that dream in no time.”

Bibbly, Bobbly – you struck so, so fucking lucky getting her in the first place, there’s no need to be a ridiculous prat about things and make such audacious claims. Maybe hecklerspray can let you off for making your thoughts public like this, but at least leave it at that. No more silly claims, no more petty side swipes. You had your chance – everybody gets one.

Oh no:

“Who knows if I’ll be there when she’s ready to come to her senses though.”

So not only is Bad Santa himself claiming that Angelina Jolie is going through a phase by having a long-term relationship with the soon-to-be father of her children, he’s also saying that if (or when, in Thornton’s mind) the two split up he might not even take her back.

The man must be on some good shit if his mind-drum plays along to that beat.

We do have some suggestions for Bibble Bobble though, which may help him in his quest to get Jolie back, or turn her down, or whatever he wants to do, if she does break up with Bradley and come crawling back to him:

1) If he still has the vial of her blood lying around, Thornton could always dabble in a bit of Angelina-cloning. This would give him an identical copy of Jolie, with the added bonus of her being a clean slate, ready for him to tell: “you fancy older, weird-looking blokes called Billy-Bob. And not attractive A-list movie stars.”

2) Thornton could put himself up for adoption, in the hope that Jolie’s soon-to-be born children haven’t dampened her taste for adoption pie. She unsuspectingly brings him into the Jolie/Pitt family fold, Bibbles works from there. We’re not coming up with all of the plan, just helping him on his way.

3) Billy-Bob could approach Angelina from a purely friendly perspective and become something of a confidant. During the process of heart-to-heart, deep discussions, Thornton could then convince Jolie she should return to her days of lesbianism (or at least bisexuality). Then it’s a simple case of a sex-change and Bob’s your… lover?

4) Get Angelina so smacked off her tits she starts talking utter shite, passes out and when she wakes up she’s in the middle of nowhere, alone with Billob. Granted, this is technically kidnapping, but it’s no more insane than claiming you wouldn’t take Angeline Jolie up on the offer of getting back together with her.

We’ve run out of suggestions now. But just remember who’s trying to help you, Billy-Bob Thornton. We’re your friends.

It’s been close to two years in the making, but today a Malawi court finally made Madonna’s adoption of her three-year-old Malawian son David Banda official. At last – now the courts are off her back, Madonna can finally force little David to work backbreaking chore-filled 21-hour days around the house without worrying that he’ll get taken away.

We’re just kidding. It’s disgusting to assume that Madonna only adopted a poor Malawian boy to use as a dirt-cheap houseboy. She did it because now she can go out and carry him around and everyone will look at him instead of noticing how weirdly immobile her face looks these days.

David Banda is one lucky chap. Ever since Madonna chose him to be the subject of her faddish interest in international adoption, literally every aspect of his life has changed for the better. When he was in Malawi, David suffered through pneumonia, malaria and tuberculosis. But since Madonna adopted him, David’s been able to hang out with Guy Ritchie every day – and that’s only as bad as having pneumonia, malaria or tuberculosis. Yes sir, that David Banda is one lucky son of a gun.

And now David officially belongs to Madonna. When she initially won David in a Malawian Lucky Claw fairground game in 2006, various human rights groups claimed that Madonna had bent international adoption law to get him, that she was wilfully manipulating his easily-confused biological father and that he’d be nothing more than one of those accessories that Madonna gets bored with and ditches after a short while, like military berets or Sandra Bernhard.

As such, Madonna wasn’t fully allowed to adopt David Banda until the High Court in Malawi had deemed her to be a suitable mother. And now, almost two years later, that’s what has happened – Madonna has been given full adoption rights of David Banda. BBC News reports:

“We are very happy with what the judge has ruled,” Alan Chinula told reporters outside the courthouse in Malawi’s capital Lilongwe. “It is a positive and beautiful judgment that will have an impact on Malawi’s adoption laws,” Chinula said. “Finally the court has granted Madonna full adoption rights of the boy – it’s a long judgement but I am quite happy with it.”

So that’s it – David Banda is now officially Madonna’s son and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. Finally, it means that Madonna can dress David Banda up as a glittery leopard and make him dance like a robot in her next video like she’s always wanted instead of having to pretend that she cares about Malawi all the time. Because, come on, that’s a snore and a half!

Oh, we’re only joking. Madonna is a very capable parent so we’re sure that she’ll remember to constantly remind David about where he’s from and the conditions that his less fortunate countrymen have to work in.

If she’s really smart, Madonna will also make sure that David doesn’t lose the ability to speak his native language either, because it’ll be a heartrending moment when David Banda returns to Malawi as a young man, sees his old playmates struggling to survive in the face of overwhelming odds, gently places a hand on the shoulder of disease-stricken local and says in fluent Chichewa, “You mean you people don’t have brand new toilet seats installed every time you need to shit? Fuck me, you’re disgusting! Mummy, take me home this instant, I feel all dirty.”

And that means that nobody’s allowed to mess Madonna around. Nobody, that is, except the Malawi High Courts. Today was the day when Madonna was supposed to discover whether or not she’d gained permanent custody of David Banda, her adopted Malawian son.

But it didn’t happen – the court has delayed its final ruling until next week. That’s not ideal for Madonna, but it’s even worse for David Banda, who outgrew his tiny soiled lightless holding pen that Madonna keeps him in about 15 months ago and just wants to eat something other than hay.

Since Madonna has a new album out and a world tour about to commence, you’d expect to see Professional Madonna out and about – you know, the age-defying pop icon with the bulging arms and the escapologist vagina.

But because the final ruling over her adoption of David Banda is due now, Professional Madonna has to keep transforming into Caring Mother Earth Madonna now and again – you know, the middle-aged woman with the veiny arms and the vagina that’s kept tucked neatly under her bed for special occasions.

And it’s the latter who’s on the loose at the moment, because we’re getting to the time when we’ll discover if David Banda – the little semi-orphan that Madonna adopted from Malawi in 2006 to great controversy – gets to stay with Madonna forever or if he’ll have to fly back to Malawi again and live the rest of his short life as a kind of social pariah because he once lived in the house of the woman who’s come to be known locally as Claw-Faced Vagina Lady.

In fact, we were supposed to know the outcome of Madonna’s adoption process today, but thanks to the Malawi High Court’s decision to postpone its decision, we’ll have to wait until next week. BBC News reports:

A court in Malawi has delayed its final decision on whether Madonna can have permanent custody of a three-year-old boy until next week. The pop star began adoption proceedings for David Banda in October 2006. A social worker from Malawi has already recommended that the pop star be able to keep the child in London. Simon Chisale said the singer and husband Guy Ritchie had “shown a strong commitment in providing the infant with all essential needs”.

Simon Chisale does have a point there – David Banda hasn’t gone wanting for anything since he’s been under Madonna’s care. Kabbalah bracelets, macrobiotic grains, secondhand obscene leotards, crates of unsold Swept Away DVDs – whatever David Banda wants he gets, so long as it’s in that list of stuff we just gave you.

The social worker’s endorsement of Madonna will go a long way to making sure that she’s allowed to look after David Banda forever, but the questions about whether or not international adoption laws were bent while acquiring him will remain.

Let’s just hope that the Malawi court makes its decision quickly, because then Madonna can continue with her plan to divorce Guy Ritchie as soon as possible. We don’t know if that is her plan, by the way, but we assume it is. He is Guy Ritchie, after all.

Read more:

Madonna custody hearing postponed – BBC