Wait, what? This isn’t a story about Lindsay Lohan? This is actually a story about Kelly Osbourne? But the arrest-inspired rehab visit is Lindsay Lohan’s idea! Why is Kelly Osbourne trying to copy Lindsay Lohan so much? What else of Lindsay’s is Kelly going to copy? Her halfhearted music career? Good christ, she’s even done that! What’s wrong with the girl?

Basically, Kelly Osbourne has checked into rehab for the next 30 days. We didn’t know pastry could be so addictive.

As a radio agony aunt, Kelly Osbourne holds the key to all kinds of different – yet equally universal – problems. For instance, we’ve all been in the situation where a national newspaper has printed a story claiming that a loved one doesn’t know what an earthquake is – that’s just a normal part of growing up. But what should you do in that scenario?

Kelly Osbourne knows – she thinks you should march up to the journalist who wrote the story and thump them in the face in front of several people until you’re arrested. It seems to work quite well, but only if you’re under the influence or drugs or drink or ‘personal problems’ or whatever the hell is up with Kelly Osbourne at the moment.

You see, just days after her arrest Kelly Osbourne has decided to check into a rehab facility. Which would normally be a fairly responsible thing to so, except Kelly didn’t think it through – by going into rehab, Kelly’s left Sharon Osbourne to talk on her behalf, and that’s never a good idea. Sharon told RadarOnline:

“Yeah, Kelly’s in rehab. What else can we say? She knew that it was the right thing to do at this point, and we’re proud that she did it. The family is all standing behind her. Kelly knew that she needed help and she’s getting it. … We just pray that everything’s going to be okay… This is one of the absolute worst things a parent can face, for their child to go through rehab.”

But what could have caused this horrible downward spiral that led to Kelly Osbourne going to rehab? It’s hard to say. But, as Sharon Osbourne said, this isn’t the first time that she’s been to rehab. The first time came while Kelly was filming the TV show The Osbournes with her entire family almost five years ago. And now it’s happened again, just as Kelly was starting to film the new TV show The Osbournes Reloaded with her entire family.

No, we can’t see the connection either.

Going to rehab will be a shocking wake-up call for Kelly Osbourne – even if we read the visual clues and decide that she’s probably hooked on the contents of Morrison’s bakery aisle, breaking an addiction can be hard. We just pray that it jolts the rest of the Osbourne family into looking at their own problems, too.

Primarily Jack Osbourne. He’s been hanging out with Craig David far too much lately. There’s only so much Craig David that normal human beings can take before they lose their minds forever. We’re worried for the boy.

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But, anyway, David Duchovny has feelings, and those feelings are easily hurt. For example, why do you think that David Duchovny hasn’t directed a movie since 2004’s House Of D? Because that movie was so hamfisted and borderline offensive that nobody dares let him behind a camera again? No, it’s because the critical reaction hurt his feelings. Probably.

Something else that hurts David Duchovny’s feelings is when people say he’s been having sex with people he hasn’t been having sex with. So when The Daily Mail claimed that David Duchovny had a full-blown sexual affair with his tennis coach, his feelings were hurt immeasurably. You couldn’t put a price on how hurt David Duchovny was. But if you had to, it’d be $1 million. And David wants that money now. Now. No, really. Now.

When it comes to David Duchovny, there are certain things that you can and can’t say about him. For instance, you can say that X-Files: I Want To Believe was such a disappointment that you’d be happy if he never worked again, or that his TV show Californication is so bad, largely because of his own doughy face, that just thinking of the word ‘Californication’ makes you want to pull your jaw out and smash it into your eyes now.

You can even say that – as a self-confessed sex addict – it seems as though David Duchovny is just a big greedy child who lacks the basic self-control to respect his wife, whether it’s by having sex with other women or just hammering his sweaty little mushroom into a stump in front of the internet until his lap ends up looking like like a large and unusually hairy glazed Krispy Kreme doughnut. We’re pretty sure you can say that.

But what you can’t say is that David Duchovny had an affair with his tennis coach Edit Pakay. The Daily Mail said that earlier this week, and now David Duchovny’s suing it for a million dollars. Fox News reports:

Duchovny filed a lawsuit in the Los Angeles Superior Court on Wednesday for defamation and invasion of privacy against The Daily Mail, seeking no less than $1 million in damages. On October 18 the well-known tabloid claimed that the “Californication” star was having a “full-blown sexual affair” with his tennis teacher Edit Pakey and that he had planned to leave his wife of 11 years to be with her.

Because David Duchovny apparently wasn’t having an affair with his tennis coach – who incidentally, it’s claimed, wasn’t even his tennis coach – the report caused him ’substantial harm’. A million dollars’ worth of harm, in fact.

For what it’s worth, we haven’t had sex with any tennis instructors recently either, so if there are any newspapers that would like to pay us a million dollars for that as well, we’d appreciate that. Just so everyone knows.

And, since David Duchovny is such a busy man, he’d leap at the chance to consolidate those two loves into one manageable love by having it off with his tennis instructor a lot, wouldn’t he? Well, apparently not – David Duchovny’s lawyer has denied reports that Duchovny had an affair with Edit Pakay, his tennis instructor.

True, David Duchovny still loves tennis and sex – but since his sex addiction treatment, the thought of meaningless sex with an athletic young woman fills him with repulsion. Now the only way that David Duchovny could combine tennis and sex is by hiring local street whores and challenging them to five-set matches, and that’s just impractical – we know from experience that those whores charge double for backhand lobs.

Tennis is sexy, isn’t it? All those short skirts, tight tops and orgasmic screams are a definite turn-on. In fact, tennis is so sexy to us that the only way we can perform these days is if there’s an elderly man in an excessively tall chair next to us loudly scoring our intercourse point by point. And a crowd of lonely housewifes occasionally shouting half-hearted encouragement at us. And we have to stop every time it rains. And a child has to run around collecting our stray balls.

But that’s just us. David Duchovny is not like that at all. Even though he used to be a sex addict, and would therefore hump a cactus if it was showing enough bra strap, David Duchovny has never linked sex and tennis. Especially now that he’s been cured of the sex addiction – now we assume that he’d rather launch a frenzied attack on his own genitals with a kitchen knife than actually let a semi-aroused thought cross his mind.

And that’s why David Duchovny has taken the unprecedented step of making his lawyer release a statement denying the current rumours that David Duchovny had a six-month affair with his tennis instructor Edit Pakay. People reports:

“The stories about an alleged affair between David Duchovny and his tennis instructor, Edit Pakay, are completely false. Ms. Pakay denied the rumors to me in person last Friday, saying they are just friends, and in addition, said in writing that such stories are ‘lies and deceit.”

We have no reason to assume that David Duchovny ever had an affair with his tennis instructor. Because, if we were David Duchovny’s tennis instructor, the last thing we’d do is let him shove his blistered, red-raw sweaty little acorn anywhere near our insides. That manky little man-flute could have been anywhere. Ugh.

So David Duchovny didn’t have an affair with his tennis instructor. That’s a shame – since David Duchovny and Tea Leoni have now split up, we’re sure it’d be nice for David to find some non-sexual companionship with a female sports instructor somewhere.

Maybe David Duchovny should take up curling. Seriously, we hear those people are slags.

We’re confused because, as far as we can tell, that doesn’t make David Duchovny a sex addict at all. That just makes him a bloke. Hey David, are you in rehab for being a bloke? Are you going to come out of rehab with pigtails and a mangina? Are you? Huh? Huh, David? Huh?

Apparently not, because what we’re starting to hear now is that David Duchovny’s sex addiction isn’t just an addiction to beating himself silly in front of his computer, but an addiction to actually having sex with ladies. Real ladies who exist and aren’t even his wife. Allegedly. So we take it all back – David Duchovny really is as much of a pretend-victim bellend as we originally thought. Sorry David!

As we’re sure you’re all aware, David Duchovny is a sex addict. Announcing his sex addiction was an incredibly brave thing for David Duchovny to do for all kinds of reasons. It put his commercial activities in peril for one, and it meant that he’d inevitably lose a slice of his already-thinning fanbase. But most of all, it was brave for David Duchovny to admit his sex addiction because, as everyone knows, the entire concept of sex addiction is one big fat smelly lie.

Nobody goes into rehab because they’re a sex addict. They go into rehab because their wife caught them with their winky up another woman and – because their brains don’t work fast enough for them to claim that the woman was injured and bleeding to death out of her chuff and the only way to stop the bleeding was to plug the wound with their erect penis – they say that they’re sex addicts and victims and boo hoo don’t leave me it’s a medically-recognised condition.

However, earlier this week it was claimed that David Duchovny hadn’t been bonking his way through a line of fame-hungry sluts with cripplingly low self-esteem at all. In fact, we were told, the only thing that David Duchovny was addicted to was wanking himself into a tizzy every time he got near a computer.

But now it looks like that might have been a lie as well, to cover up for the fact that – if you stand still for long enough – David Duchovny will inevitably sidle over and try to put his cock inside you.

The National Enquirer has made allegations that David Duchovny’s multiple infidelities were the cause of his admission into sex rehab, and MSNBC has the lowdown on it:

According to one Enquirer source, David cheated on wife Téa Leoni many times over the course of their marriage, and only admitted to the affairs after she grew suspicious and confronted him. “(David) said Téa gave him an ultimatum: Get treatment or our marriage is over,” an insider revealed. “She felt it was ruining their marriage and affecting their kids.”

Whether or not this report is true is anyone’s guess. But if it is true, then Tea Leoni has a point – a sex addiction would tend to ruin a marriage. Especially when it means going to meet your in-laws covered from head to toe in a thin coating of your own sperm.

Anyway, we hope for the sake of David Duchovny’s marriage that his sex addiction treatment is a success. But then we’re sure that spending 35 days trapped in a building with an assortment of patients who all suffer from the same intense compulsion to hump every single person they see is absolutely the right way to put an end to his condition.

Yes, say what you like about David Duchovny, but you can’t fault the flawlessly dignified way that he overcomes life’s obstacles. As an example, the statement that David Duchovny released yesterday claiming that he’s a long-term sex addict and that he’s seeking treatment in rehab for it was as noble and elegant and, yes, dignified as you could ever ask for.

Also – David Duchovny’s a sex addict? Hahahahahahaha hahahahaha hahahaha haha ahaha hahahaha ahaha haaaa! What a tit.

Addiction isn’t a funny thing. Countless lives over the years have been ravaged by a biological and cerebral enslavement to drugs, gambling, smoking and alcohol. No, an addiction is something that should never be treated with anything less than the utmost sensitivity.

Except for when David Duchovny suddenly decides that he’s got a sex addiction, in which case everyone’s allowed to take the piss out of the ridiculous randy old idiot and his uncontrollable todger.

You see, David Duchovny hasn’t got one of those normal sex addictions where you have sex a lot and enjoy it – he’s got one of those dreadful sex addictions where you have sex so much that you hate every single grotty second of it but remain compelled to keep having sex all the time even though it’s killing you on the inside.

Or he’s got one of those sex addictions where your wife catches you having it off with another woman and you have to pretend that it’s not your fault and you’re the real victim in all of this. We simply just don’t know, but it’s probably one of those two things.

Anyway, here’s how David Duchovny broke the shocking news of his absolutely genuine sex addiction -  which is a real thing that actually exists – to the world:

“I have voluntarily entered a facility for the treatment of sex addiction. I ask for respect and privacy for my wife and children as we deal with this situation as a family.”

Well since you asked so nicely David we’ll absolutely respect your privacy, you great big honking dirty-dicked, sweaty-balled minge-chasing, bum-sniffing pork swordsman pervert. Respect is the absolute least you deserve from us.

Fingers crossed that David Duchovny’s stint in rehab will be a brief one, and that he’ll be able to overcome his sex addiction with enough speed and grace to allow him to return to his loving family and his TV show Californication about a, oh, about a hopeless sex addict. Good luck with that, David. That doesn’t sound counterproductive in the slightest.

Still, at least we know why Billy Connolly’s eyes were bleeding in the trailer for The X-Files 2. It’s probably because David Duchovny kept trying to put it up his bum.

Although obviously we don’t say say that with enough certainty to let anyone sue us for it. Just so we’re all clear.