Articles tagged with: celebrity addiction
Kelly Osbourne Thumps Off To Rehab
An arrest and a trip to rehab within the same week? Hold the phone, Lindsay Lohan's packed the weight on. Wait, what? This isn't a story about Lindsay Lohan? This is actually a story about Kelly Osbourne? But the arrest-inspired rehab visit is Lindsay Lohan's idea! Why is Kelly Osbourne trying to copy Lindsay Lohan so much? What else of Lindsay's is Kelly going to copy? Her halfhearted music career? Good christ, she's even done that! What's wrong with the girl? Basically, Kelly Osbourne has checked into rehab for the next 30 days. We didn't know pastry could be so addictive.
An arrest and a trip to rehab within the same week? Hold the phone, Lindsay Lohan's packed the weight on. Wait, what? This isn't a story about Lindsay Lohan? This is actually a story about Kelly Osbourne? But the arrest-inspired rehab visit is Lindsay Lohan's idea! Why is Kelly Osbourne trying to copy Lindsay Lohan so much? What else of Lindsay's is Kelly going to copy? Her halfhearted music career? Good christ, she's even done that! What's wrong with the girl? Basically, Kelly Osbourne has checked into rehab for the next 30 days. We didn't know pastry could be so addictive.
No, Honestly, David Duchovny Really Didn’t Shag The Tennis Lady
He might be a sex addict, but remember that David Duchovny has feelings - well, not on his penis, we're presuming that he wore all the nerve ending off that years ago. But, anyway, David Duchovny has feelings, and those feelings are easily hurt. For example, why do you think that David Duchovny hasn't directed a movie since 2004's House Of D? Because that movie was so hamfisted and borderline offensive that nobody dares let him behind a camera again? No, it's because the critical reaction hurt his feelings. Probably. Something else that hurts David Duchovny's feelings is when people say he's been having sex with people he hasn't been having sex with. So when The Daily Mail claimed that David Duchovny had a full-blown sexual affair with his tennis coach, his feelings were hurt immeasurably. You couldn't put a price on how hurt David Duchovny was. But if you had to, it'd be $1 million. And David wants that money now. Now. No, really. Now.
He might be a sex addict, but remember that David Duchovny has feelings - well, not on his penis, we're presuming that he wore all the nerve ending off that years ago. But, anyway, David Duchovny has feelings, and those feelings are easily hurt. For example, why do you think that David Duchovny hasn't directed a movie since 2004's House Of D? Because that movie was so hamfisted and borderline offensive that nobody dares let him behind a camera again? No, it's because the critical reaction hurt his feelings. Probably. Something else that hurts David Duchovny's feelings is when people say he's been having sex with people he hasn't been having sex with. So when The Daily Mail claimed that David Duchovny had a full-blown sexual affair with his tennis coach, his feelings were hurt immeasurably. You couldn't put a price on how hurt David Duchovny was. But if you had to, it'd be $1 million. And David wants that money now. Now. No, really. Now.
David Duchovny Not Smashing His Balls Into Tennis Instructor
David Duchovny's two big loves are tennis and squalid joyless sex with women who may as well just be watermelons with holes in them. Allegedly. And, since David Duchovny is such a busy man, he'd leap at the chance to consolidate those two loves into one manageable love by having it off with his tennis instructor a lot, wouldn't he? Well, apparently not - David Duchovny's lawyer has denied reports that Duchovny had an affair with Edit Pakay, his tennis instructor. True, David Duchovny still loves tennis and sex - but since his sex addiction treatment, the thought of meaningless sex with an athletic young woman fills him with repulsion. Now the only way that David Duchovny could combine tennis and sex is by hiring local street whores and challenging them to five-set matches, and that's just impractical - we know from experience that those whores charge double for backhand lobs.
David Duchovny's two big loves are tennis and squalid joyless sex with women who may as well just be watermelons with holes in them. Allegedly. And, since David Duchovny is such a busy man, he'd leap at the chance to consolidate those two loves into one manageable love by having it off with his tennis instructor a lot, wouldn't he? Well, apparently not - David Duchovny's lawyer has denied reports that Duchovny had an affair with Edit Pakay, his tennis instructor. True, David Duchovny still loves tennis and sex - but since his sex addiction treatment, the thought of meaningless sex with an athletic young woman fills him with repulsion. Now the only way that David Duchovny could combine tennis and sex is by hiring local street whores and challenging them to five-set matches, and that's just impractical - we know from experience that those whores charge double for backhand lobs.
Wait, David Duchovny’s Sex Addiction Actually Involves Having Sex!?
We're confused - apparently David Duchovny isn't addicted to sex, he's addicted to abusing his man-baton in front of some flickering internet totty. We're confused because, as far as we can tell, that doesn't make David Duchovny a sex addict at all. That just makes him a bloke. Hey David, are you in rehab for being a bloke? Are you going to come out of rehab with pigtails and a mangina? Are you? Huh? Huh, David? Huh? Apparently not, because what we're starting to hear now is that David Duchovny's sex addiction isn't just an addiction to beating himself silly in front of his computer, but an addiction to actually having sex with ladies. Real ladies who exist and aren't even his wife. Allegedly. So we take it all back - David Duchovny really is as much of a pretend-victim bellend as we originally thought. Sorry David!
We're confused - apparently David Duchovny isn't addicted to sex, he's addicted to abusing his man-baton in front of some flickering internet totty. We're confused because, as far as we can tell, that doesn't make David Duchovny a sex addict at all. That just makes him a bloke. Hey David, are you in rehab for being a bloke? Are you going to come out of rehab with pigtails and a mangina? Are you? Huh? Huh, David? Huh? Apparently not, because what we're starting to hear now is that David Duchovny's sex addiction isn't just an addiction to beating himself silly in front of his computer, but an addiction to actually having sex with ladies. Real ladies who exist and aren't even his wife. Allegedly. So we take it all back - David Duchovny really is as much of a pretend-victim bellend as we originally thought. Sorry David!
David Duchovny Might As Well Face It, He’s Addicted To Fanny
David Duchovny might have pooed away his movie career making that lousy X Files movie, but you know what? At least he's got his dignity. Yes, say what you like about David Duchovny, but you can't fault the flawlessly dignified way that he overcomes life's obstacles. As an example, the statement that David Duchovny released yesterday claiming that he's a long-term sex addict and that he's seeking treatment in rehab for it was as noble and elegant and, yes, dignified as you could ever ask for. Also - David Duchovny's a sex addict? Hahahahahahaha hahahahaha hahahaha haha ahaha hahahaha ahaha haaaa! What a tit.
David Duchovny might have pooed away his movie career making that lousy X Files movie, but you know what? At least he's got his dignity. Yes, say what you like about David Duchovny, but you can't fault the flawlessly dignified way that he overcomes life's obstacles. As an example, the statement that David Duchovny released yesterday claiming that he's a long-term sex addict and that he's seeking treatment in rehab for it was as noble and elegant and, yes, dignified as you could ever ask for. Also - David Duchovny's a sex addict? Hahahahahahaha hahahahaha hahahaha haha ahaha hahahaha ahaha haaaa! What a tit.
