Why? Because it’s been announced that sex addict David Duchovny and his wife Tea Leoni have separated, and have been separated for months. Phew! Now, when David Duchovny has you pushed into a corner with a hand down his knickers and a tongue that he’s trying to ram all the way inside your ear, you won’t have to think “Wait a minute, aren’t you married to the woman from Jurassic Park 3? What will she make of all this?”

This separation is obviously the best thing for all involved – David Duchovny gets to lead the free and easy single life that he craves, Tea Leoni won’t have to worry that her husband has strayed and their children will no longer fear stumbling across their father masturbating frantically to a coffee stain shaped a bit like a bra. Everyone’s a winner.

Women don’t appreciate anything, do they? Buy them underwear and they’ll tell you that crotchless PVC is actually quite uncomfortable. Buy them flowers and they’ll accuse you of knowing that they have a deadly pollen allergy. Go to sex addiction rehab to stop your uncontrollable feelings of arousal and they’ll leave you.

The latter is the exact scenario that David Duchovny finds himself in today. Either because he does nothing but wank all day or because he occasionally has extramarital sex, David Duchovny last month checked himself into sex addiction rehab to try and save his marriage. Did it work?

No. No it didn’t. Realising that even a cured sex addict is probably only one bumpy bus journey away from a disgusting globby relapse, Tea Leoni has done the sensible thing and ditched David Duchovny. A joint statement from the couple reads:

“In light of continuous speculation over the lives and marriage of Tea Leoni and David Duchovny, the couple has confirmed that they have in fact been separated for several months. The couple had hoped to keep this separation private for the sake of their children.”

Several months? At least now we know why David Duchovny might have gone to sex addiction rehab in the first place – we’re presuming that it was either as a last-ditch effort to win his estranged wife back, or it was because he was single and he realised that the best place to find a string of sexual partners with suitably low self-esteem was at a live-in sex addiction treatment clinic.

Either way, we maintain that this split is the best solution for everyone. David Duchovny can now act upon the raging mid-life crisis that he’s obviously in the throes of, and Tea Leoni can go and find a new man who’ll never put her through the same trauma. So a eunuch or something. We don’t really know how this works.

By the way, we should probably just clear one thing up. Given that David Duchovny went to sex addiction rehab at roughly the same time that his marriage imploded, you’d be forgiven for thinking that his sex addiction was the cause for the break-up of his marriage to Tea Leoni. It wasn’t.

Instead Tea Leoni left him because she thought The X-Files: I Want To Believe was crap. Well, you would too, wouldn’t you.

But relax, because now comes the news we’ve all been waiting for – David Duchovny has been cured of his sex addiction! According to a statement released yesterday, David Duchovny has left his sex addict rehab and is back functioning in society as a normal human being with a depressingly watery libido.

It still hasn’t been made clear what form David Duchovny’s sex addiction treatment took, but we hear that he’s had an implant fitted inside him that, whenever he feels a slight sensation of arousal, causes one of his testicles to inflate to the size of a bus, glow bright red and play I Wanna Sex You Up by Color Me Badd at ear-splitting volume. So he won’t be going to the swimming pool on Senior Aquarobics afternoon any time in a hurry, that’s for sure.

It’s easy to mock David Duchovny for his sex addiction, but that’s only because we don’t know the pain that a sex addiction can cause. Imagine it – a constant string of guilt-free casual sex with hundreds of willing young girls hypnotised by your fame and wealth. God, that sounds bloody terrible. If that was us we’d probably shoot our own face off.

And this living nightmare is precisely why David Duchovny sought treatment for his sex addiction. Well, that or because his wife either found him having sex with another woman or slapping his little acorn until it blistered to a fanny-coloured pixel-orgy on the internet.

Whatever the cause, David Duchovny has essentially given the world a mental image of his bright-red screwed-up face bearing down a couple of inches away from a girl’s face while his bottom pumps away at her like a horrible slappy flesh machine, and for that he owes us all a heavy debt.

But that’s all in the past. The old sweaty-nippled cock monster David Duchovny, the one who couldn’t pass a girl in the street without hammering his foot on the ground until steam came out of his ears, has been replaced by a new David Duchovny – one who may as well be a monk or something. Reuters reports:

In a statement on Monday, [Duchovny's attorney] Stanton said Duchovny “has successfully completed rehabilitation. He is out and will very soon begin work on his new movie,” Stanton said. Stein declined to say where the actor had been treated or when he left the center.

Phew. This is certainly good news for everyone involved. Duchovny’s wife Tea Leoni has reigned in her husband’s worst excesses, David Duchovny’s future co-stars can go to work knowing that they’ll never have their concentration broken by the sight of a middle-aged man trying to hammer his erect penis through the letterbox in their trailer, and – best of all – David Duchovny gets to transfer his addictive personality onto something less harmful, like heroin or infanticide.

God knows where this leaves Californication, though. Surely starring in a TV show about a renowned sex addict will only hinder David Duchovny’s continued recovery. Maybe David should think about making a new show that better reflects his current situation – maybe, say, one about a frustrated writer who can’t walk down the street without everyone around him collapsing in fits of laughter because he can’t control his funny little todger.

However, Tatum O’Neal is positively thrilled that the police caught her buying crack in a sting operation. According to her it was apparently the first time she’d bought herself any crack after years of sobriety, and the arrest was like a rough, humiliating intervention from Jesus Christ himself.

What’s more, Tatum O’Neal says that she only turned to crack because her dog died. Seriously. Maybe this is where Amy Winehouse went so wrong – she’d have been an angelic little choirgirl if her guinea pig hadn’t got the sniffles when she was six and a half.

Crack cocaine is no joke – it can cause convulsions, nausea, high blood pressure, anxiety, strokes and – in the case of Tatum O’Neal – the ability to dream up all manner of rapid-fire bullshit excuses at the drop of a hat. Or at least that’s what it looks like.

Yesterday we told you how Oscar-winning actress Tatum O’Neal had been arrested for buying crack during a sting operation in New York. That in itself isn’t exactly a grand surprise – not only did Tatum O’Neal once lose custody of her kids to John McEnroe because she was all spazzed out on heroin, but her family is such a gang of drug-mullered buttmunches that Sundays at theirs regularly involve gun fights, head injuries and boys tied to banisters like dogs.

So, now that she’s been arrested, the celebrity guidebook says that Tatum O’Neal should lie and cheat and plead not guilty and force a number of delays to proceedings in order to force a plea bargain out of the prosecutors and then snap it up as fast as she can.

But, since she’s technically not really a celebrity any more, Tatum O’Neal has tried a different tactic – she’s praising the police for catching her before she got to smoke any of that horrible crack and she didn’t even know it was crack anyway and boo hoo her dog’s dead and her mum’s dead too. Entertainment Weekly reports:

”I’m still sober! Just when I was about to change that and wreck my life, the cops came and saved me. I was saved by the bell, by the guys in the Seventh Precinct.” The actress says the death of her 16-year-old dog sent her into the downward spiral that ended with her hitting Manhattan’s Lower East Side on Sunday night in search of drugs. ”It triggered that my mother passed away [from addiction] in ‘98″… O’Neal told the Post that she didn’t even realize she was buying crack. ”It’s both?” she asked the Post reporter. ”I didn’t even know what I was buying!”

It’s certainly fortunate that police managed to arrest Tatum O’Neal at the exact moment that she was about to try cocaine for the first time in who knows how many years. What are the odds of that happening?

Still, at least this miraculous arrest means that our fears of Tatum O’Neal being a drug addict are completely unfounded. Had the police not arrested her at the exact moment that they did, then Tatum O’Neal would have a fully-fledged addiction again, but because they did she’s as clean as a whistle and as straight as an arrow.

Yup, Tatum O’Neal is definitely clean, and her story completely holds up because it’s not like she’s about to go to rehab for treatment is it? Is it, anonymous law enforcement source quoted by the New York Daily News?

“She’s going to go to her own, high-priced, out-of-the-spotlight rehab to get clean – again.”

Oh.