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Celebrities on drugs

Bryan Adams Writes A Lovely Song To Help Amy Winehouse

by Stuart Heritage

Hardly a day passes without hearing about Amy Winehouse inching towards an inevitable premature death – but finally help is at hand.

Has Amy Winehouse finally realised that her drug addiction is serious and that she has to get urgent help? No. Have Amy’s friends and family staged a dramatic life-altering intervention to finally see sense and show how the damage that she’s doing to herself?

No. But Bryan Adams has written a song that might vaguely make the occasional reference to Amy Winehouse. Amy, consider yourself cured.

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Keith Richards: ‘Amy Winehouse Will Be Dead Soon’

by C J Davies

Sometimes you’ve just got to stop and take stock.

If a Formula One driver tutted and shook his head at you as you sped through a housing estate, for example, you’d probably think it a wise move to step off the accelerator. On a similar note, if Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards – a man who has ingested more drugs than six generations of lab monkeys – told you that you were dabbling in the ol’ excess a bit too much, you’d give serious thought to putting the crackpipe down.

It remains to be seen whether Amy Winehouse will curb her naughty druggy activities, however. Keith Richards, you see, has revealed that – while Amy is the only modern pop star he actually admires – she’ll more than likely be pushing up the daisies before too long unless she gives those narcotics a rest.

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Amy Winehouse Single-Handedly Destroys All Of Africa

by Stuart Heritage

This must be Amy Winehouse’s lucky year – not only has she won five Grammy awards but she’s also single-handedly caused the destruction of an entire continent.

And that’s not just us saying that – the UN says so too, so it must be true.

According to a UN bigwig, every time Amy Winehouse glamorises drug-taking, it helps to fuel the African cocaine trade and recklessly creates corrupt ‘narco-states’. And worse still, Amy Winehouse is becoming a cultural icon in Africa, and those poor people have got problems enough as it is without feeling the need to stagger round their villages in just their bra shouting “My Blakey!” all the time as well.

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Whitney Houston’s Comeback Album Ready To Fill Your Stockings

by Stuart Heritage

This Christmas, families around the world will be united by one thing – the sound of a crack-addled hasbeen croaking out pale imitations of her best-loved hits.

Amy Winehouse? Don’t be silly – we’re talking about the queen of substance-deranged power-ballads here, not the scabby-faced pretender to her crack-addled throne, here. That’s right, Whitney Houston is back.

Well, sort of back. Whitney Houston’s comeback album – her first for six years – will be released in time for Christmas. It’d be ready sooner, but it’s going to take nine months of round-the-clock labour to photoshop the album’s artwork so it looks like Whitney Houston’s pupils are the same size and that she’s got teeth and generally looks a bit less identical to Samuel L Jackson in Jungle Fever.

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Kerry Katona’s Unborn Baby Already A Chip Off The Old Block

by hecklerspray staff

According to the ever-reliable News of the World, the walking arsehole known as Kerry Katona is still taking cocaine four months into her pregnancy.

She has also allegedly been seen smoking up to 20 cigarettes at a time. But, guys, hold on a minute before you judge! It’s alright! Kerry’s not stupid. No way! Dr. Katona tells friends:

“It’s OK – you can wean the baby off the coke afterwards. It’s only booze that can cause serious damage.”

Yeah! Fuck off science! Kerry knows best. Just point your saggy bucket vagina in the direction of The Priory and fire.

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Lindsay Lohan Keeps Clothes On & Bangs On About Herself

by Stuart Heritage

You’ve seen Lindsay Lohan’s tits, now she wants you see her soul – but it’s OK, because it’s less alarmingly freckly.

That’s right, Lindsay Lohan has done a magazine interview all about the impossible darkness of her last 12 months.

It’s an important interview because it marks the first time that Lindsay Lohan has publicly prattled on about herself in, ooh, roughly about six or seven minutes. Plus she’s kept her clothes on for this one, so your retinas aren’t as likely to snap off and run for freedom this time.

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The Hunt Is On For Heath Ledger’s Possible Indirect Death-Enablers

by Stuart Heritage

The mystery behind the untimely death of Heath Ledger has now been cleaned up, but there’s still just one loose end left.

As everyone knows, Heath Ledger died because of an accidental overdose of prescription drugs – and now an investigation has been launched into the doctors who prescribed those drugs to Heath Ledger.

Needless to say, this investigation won’t bring Heath Ledger back, but it might get a couple of doctors struck off, which is the next best thing. Stupid doctors with their ‘cures’ for all these so-called ‘illnesses’. Idiots.

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Dog The Bounty Hunter’s Son Locked Up, Bear Mace Privileges Removed

by Stuart Heritage

Tucker Chapman hasn’t had an easy life. Although his father is Dog The Bounty Hunter, he hasn’t picked up on any hereditary traits like the orange skin, rubbish hair or underlying racism.

And when your dad is Dog The Bounty Hunter, you’d better make sure that you play by the rules, unless you want to end up with 16 gallons of bear mace shot directly into your eyes and a florescent man with the hair of a cheap 1980s stripper shouting the word ‘bra’ condescendingly at you.

Tucker Chapman can’t have known this, though, because he’s been locked up in a correctional facility for all kinds of drug-based shenanigans.

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Aaron Carter Busted For Drugs, Silly Little Beard Also Busted

by Stuart Heritage

You have to hand it to Aaron Carter – not a single person has even so much as thought of him for at least a year, but his dedication to stereotypical child star behaviour should be applauded.

We’re being serious here – look at what Aaron Carter has accomplished. He’s the relative of someone far more famous than he is, he’s been in a terrible reality TV show, he has pointless facial hair and he’s embarked on a hopelessly misguided engagement. There’s just one thing that Aaron carter has missed from that checklist.

And now he’s just ticked it off. Aaron Carter, you see, has just been arrested on suspicion of marijuana possession in Texas. Good work, Aaron. Go to the top of the class. That’s right, next to Lindsay Lohan.

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Jordan’s Dreary Drug Tale Not About Cocaine, Apparently

by Stuart Heritage

Being involved in a marriage primarily because it furthers you as a brand and gives you more shitcake anecdotes to fill your endless mind-numbing autobiographies with must be quite hard.

So it’s no surprise that Jordan got smashed on drugs not so long ago and wound up contemplating suicide.

But here’s the thing – although she’s admitted drug use, Jordan won’t say what drug she took. But she has ruled out cocaine, which means that Jordan wanted to kill herself after a binge on either heroin, prescription pills, non-prescription pills or Fisherman’s Friends. And when was the last time you saw Jordan with a cold, huh?

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