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Celebrities on drugs

Bill Murray’s Wife Files for Divorce from Bill Murray

by hecklerspray staff

It must be great to be married to a comedic actor.

You would always be rolling on the floor with laughter and your text messages would be constantly filled with zany LOLs and your knee would have a constant bruise from all that knee-slapping hilarity.

That is unless you’re Bill Murray’s wife, in which case you’d be rolling on the floor after being clocked by your drunk, drugged up husband and you’d have non-hilarity induced bruises. Or at least, those are some of the things Bill Murray’s wife is saying led to her filing for divorce from Bill Murray just now.

Now what do we learn here, ladies? We learn that marrying a man for his stunning good-looks does not make for a lasting relationship.

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DMX Arrested Again, For Just About Everything

by Stuart Heritage

We know this is confusing, but sit tight and we’ll try and explain – although DMX was arrested on Wednesday, he’s now been arrested for something else entirely.

Wednesday’s arrest was for speeding, but his time DMX was arrested on suspicion of animal cruelty and drug possession after a SWAT team raided his house on Friday morning and found five pit bull puppies and half a pound of cannabis.

So, to try and help east the confusion a little, we’ve come up with a little rhyme to help you keep track of DMX’s arrests: If DMX was busted Wednesday last, he’s been caught driving cars too fast; if DMX is busted on Friday morn, the partially-burnt carcasses of mistreated pets were found on his lawn. We’re available for hire, you know.

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Amy Winehouse Arrested For That Crazy Crack Video

by Stuart Heritage

You might want to sit down for this – apparently Amy Winehouse has been known to occasionally take drugs.

We know, we were shocked when we found out, too. But apparently it’s true, because Amy Winehouse was last night arrested and bailed in connection with that secretly-filmed video of her appearing to smoke crack in her flat from earlier this year.

There’s a slim chance that Amy Winehouse could face jail after this arrest, which we’d actually be OK with. Hopefully her incarceration will be timed to coincide with the release of her husband Blake Fielder-Civil. That way Blake can start sleeping with a boy who looks like little Ben Mitchell from EastEnders while she’s locked up, to see how she likes it. Revenge is sweet! And quite disturbing to think about!

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Is Peaches Geldof Going To Jail? Probably Not.

by Paul Sorrenti

Peaches Geldof has been filmed handing over money to a pair of notorious drug-dealers and is to be investigated by the police.

19-year-old Peaches was secretly filmed offering Jonny Blagrove and Cara Burton £140 in return for some unspecified goods.

Then Blagrove, ‘dealer to the stars’, tells Peaches what she wants will actually cost her £190.

The extra £50 quid doesn’t deter Peaches, she is after all the daughter of modern day Jesus, Bob Geldof, and it’s good to see the royalties from I don’t like Mondays aren’t going to waste.

Peaches is then reportedly recorded saying:

I’m going to need Valium tomorrow after this.

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Some CSI Bloke In More Exciting Than CSI Drug Bust

by Stuart Heritage

Just watching more than one episode of CSI per lifetime is enough to turn anyone into a snarling drug-addicted mess, so imagine actually starring in it.

Seriously, it must mess you up something rotten. Let’s take any CSI actor completely at random and see what starring in CSI has done to them. Let’s randomly pick, say, Gary Dourdan. It turns out that Gary Dourdan has been arrested for being asleep in his car with heroin, cocaine, Ecstasy and several assorted prescription drugs in his possession.

And we chose Gary Dourdan entirely at random. Good job we didn’t pick David Caruso, really – just look what being in CSI has done to his hair.

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Pete Doherty’s Not Back On Heroin After All! Wheee!

by Stuart Heritage

Aside from getting rubbish tattoos and befriending injured birds to act as symbolic allusions to your lost freedom, there’s not actually a lot to do in prison.

So it’s weird that, since Pete Doherty went to prison a couple of weeks ago, we’ve heard far more about him than when he was a free man. Namely, we’ve heard an awful lot about how Pete Doherty has somehow managed to track down a load of heroin in prison and stick it all up his bum, or whatever it is you’re supposed to do with heroin.

But it turns out that these heroin stories were all giant lies, because Pete Doherty is completely free of drugs. We know this because Pete Doherty said so himself in a barely-legible note to a woman we’ve never heard of. And, as we’ve always said, you can put scrawled notes by convicted drug addicts in the bank.

Aside from getting rubbish tattoos and befriending injured birds to act as symbolic allusions to your lost freedom, there's not actually a lot to do in prison. So it's weird that, since Pete Doherty went to prison a couple of weeks ago, we've heard far more about him than when he was a free man. Namely, we've heard an awful lot about how Pete Doherty has somehow managed to track down a load of heroin in prison and stick it all up his bum, or whatever it is you're supposed to do with heroin. But it turns out that these heroin stories were all giant lies, because Pete Doherty is completely free of drugs. We know this because Pete Doherty said so himself in a barely-legible note to a woman we've never heard of. And, as we've always said, you can put scrawled notes by convicted drug addicts in the bank.
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Just Out of a Coma? Then Newsflash: Robert Downey Jr. Did Drugs

by hecklerspray staff

Life has been rough for Robert Downey, Jr, or ‘Downsey’ as he likes us to call him.

His life has been riddled with mistakes – drug abuse, incarceration, Gothika, public disgrace, dating Sarah Jessica Parker, singing a duet with Sting – and we’ve witnessed them all first hand.

So, for the first time ever since breakfast, Robert Downey Jr. openly talks about his past drug abuse, and does so with a nice vocabulary. He also talks about some other stuff, like a movie he’s in that’s coming out soon, or something.

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Report: Pete Doherty’s On The Skag Again

by Stuart Heritage

Oh christ, here we go again.

Before he was jailed, we thought that Pete Doherty had kicked the drugs. His ballooning weight suggested that he’d either got his appetite back or he’d found a brand-new drug that was mostly made of congealed chip fat. Either way, Pete Doherty was off the drugs and it was a relief.

Except he wasn’t – according to reports, Pete Doherty is back taking all the heroin he can get his hands on in prison. That’s a report that comes from a prisoner, so it must be true, because everyone knows that prisoners are the nicest, most honest group of people in the world.

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Pete Doherty Finally Plods Off To Jail

by Stuart Heritage

The widely-held truths about Pete Doherty are that his face looks like it’s made out of pastry, his fans wildly overreact to everything and that he never goes to jail.

However, that’s a list which will have to be revised now, because Pete Doherty has just started a 14-week jail sentence for breaching his probation with bad timekeeping, missed appointments and the continued use of various drugs. And thanks to this prison sentence, Pete Doherty has had to cancel an upcoming concert at the Albert Hall.

Wait a minute, Pete Doherty takes drugs? Crikey, that’s news to us. They’ll be telling us that Amy Winehouse smokes crack next.

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Bobby Brown Not At All Bitter About Whitney Houston, Ahem

by Stuart Heritage

The general opinion of Bobby Brown is that he’s so impossibly unlikeable that it’s beyond the realms of human thought to imagine him being much more of an arsehole.

Kids, he’s done it.

You know how you think that Bobby Brown was the wife-beating idiot who helped plunge Whitney Houston into a spiral of hard drug addiction? Didn’t happen. Bobby Brown has written a book where he claims that Whitney Houston was the one who introduced him to all the drugs. Which all seems so obvious now – what was Whitney Houston’s pre-Brown dancefloor-filler My Name Is Not Susan if not the desperate shriek of a burnt-out husk debilitatingly hooked on delicious antifreeze?

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