Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
You guys remember that Miley Cyrus is, like, totally grown up now, right? You didn’t forget that people don’t stay fifteen forever??
If you didn’t get the message the first twenty seven times she appeared in ganja-leaf patterned thong leotard humping a giant hotdog, Miley Cyrus’ Instagram account is here to remind you that’s she’s an edgy adult who does edgy adult things. Like decorating a five-foot bong with friendship bracelets and pompoms.?
Gather round kids, it’s time for a cautionary tale in the form of CeeLo Green. Poppin’ a molly isn’t big or clever, and if it’s popped in someone else’s drink without their permission, it’s also kind of a felony.?
Cee Lo Green has been cleared of sexual assault this week after being accused of slipping ecstasy into a lady friend’s drink while they were eating at a sushi restaurant last year. She then reportedly woke up in his bed the morning after, wearing nothing but a frown as she tried to figure out how in the hell she ended up there. He’s not totally dodged the bullet, though.
This week is one hell of ?a bad week to be Lamar Odom.
Not only is his marriage to Khloe Kardashian reportedly hanging by a thread after he was accused of storing his basketballs where he shouldn’t , but there’s rumours flying around that the Clippers star is also up to his nose in some shady drug-related shenanigans. It’s no wonder he felt the need to go AWOL for a few days.
Chav icon and?astonishing?dimwit Kerry Katona,?has been bothering the police after receiving phone calls from a suspected stalker who has obviously reached a low point in their life, given that they could have shown interest in ANYONE ELSE ON THE ENTIRE PLANET!
It seems an American woman,?believed?to be called Stella, has been ringing Katona ‘non-stop for weeks’ and recently contacted the reality star’s manager Max Clifford, claiming to have watched her getting changed at her Surrey mansion.
Yes. Really.
If you’re a fan of Phish and you’re reading this through reddened eyes, you probably went to their recent reunion concert.
And if you went to the reunion concert, at some point you more than likely woke up in the trunk of a car next to a spare tire and several bloodied police batons. Had you your senses about you, you’d have noticed there were 193 other unconscious people crammed in there with you – all of them wearing rainbowy shirts.
That’s because local police really cracked down at the show – enough so to confiscate over $1,000,000 in illegal drugs, among other things.
Over the years the government has tried many ways to get young people to stop taking drugs, but none more effective than this.
It’s a dead dog with a sawn-open chest screaming at a man who’s having a nosebleed in the voice of David Mitchell from Peep Show. Seriously, point us towards the nearest monastery. We’ll be fine there.
They tried to make Amy Winehouse go to hospital, but she said – well actually she was fairly unresponsive, so they took her to hospital.
That’s right, it’s time for another installment of our four-billion-part series ‘Amy Winehouse Goes To Hospital For Something That’s Probably Got Something To Do With Drugs.’ In this edition, Amy Winehouse goes to hospital for something that’s probably got something to do with drugs.
Apparently Amy Winehouse was admitted to a clinic on Sunday after reacting badly to medication, and she’s been kept there to undergo tests. Sadly, those tests include the ‘Here’s a picture of a fan, do you sincerely thank them for their support or punch them in the face?’ test and the ‘Is it better to look like a human being or a cave drawing of a rampaging lizardman?’ test, so it looks like Amy will remain in hospital for the foreseeable.
Given that he’s everywhere all the time at the moment, we’re starting to think that Suge Knight is the gangsta Miley Cyrus.
Not completely – the day that photos of Suge Knight rolling around in his knickers are leaked to the internet is the day we cut out our eyes and, to our knowledge, Miley Cyrus has never driven around in a car allegedly punching a woman in the head – but in terms of ubiquity, the comparison just about holds up. Just about.
In fact, it’s this whole ‘allegedly punching women in the head while driving a car’ thing that’s brought Suge Knight to our attention again this time. Because now Suge Knight has been charged for the last time he supposedly beat up a women in a car. And since this time the charges also include a spot of beating up a woman in a car park with a knife in his hand, Suge Knight faces eight and a half years in jail. Oh well.
Heather Locklear must have been thrilled when she was arrested for DUI – at least it distracted everyone from all her horrible sitcoms.
But now, possibly, Heather Locklear might just be starting to regret allegedly getting hammered on prescription medication and then parking her car in the middle of a state highway in floods of tears in September and then having a mugshot taken that makes her look a bit like a emotionally-sensitive panda being forced to watch the 2 Girls 1 Cup video.
And that’s because Heather Locklear has just been officially charged with misdemeanor driving under the influence of legally prescribed drugs. Who knew that Heather Locklear possibly had an addiction to prescription drugs? We’d have thought that her existing addictions – to making cacky TV shows and marrying idiots from crappy bands that only morons like – would have been enough for anyone.
It’s obvious that the world would be a much safer place if all the members of Barenaked Ladies were detained in a high security jail for eternity.
But that’s not going to happen. None of the Barenaked Ladies – not the one who looks like Kevin Bacon, not the one who looks like a weather-damaged Backstreet Boy, not even the schlubby fat one who seems to have dipped his chin in dogmuck – are going to jail. And especially not Steven Page, even though it looked like he might for a while.
After being arrested for cocaine possession back in July, Steven Page from Barenaked Ladies has been staring down a jail sentence. Yesterday, though, he avoided that fate – but only if he promises to go to rehab and stay clean for six months. Stupid courts, everyone knows that when you’re letting a Barenaked Lady avoid jail, you’re supposed to slip in a clause banning them from ever making any more bad music ever again. Idiots.
