As a rational human being, the two things you want most for Christmas are to see Return Of BloodRayne and Girlfight 2: Not As Sexy As You'd Think finally get greenlit.

But tough luck, because neither of those things will happen for at least the next half-year - Michelle Rodriguez, the star of those original movies, has just started her six-month jail sentence for constantly being unable to follow simple probation rules. But it's not all bad news, because now she's been locked up in the Century Regional Detention Facility in Los Angeles, Michelle Rodriguez will get to take part in the jail's annual inter-inmate Secret Santa. What will Michelle Rodriguez be given? A bucket of piss? A bucket of poo? A bucket of piss and poo all mixed up? A vigorous stabbing? Oh, how we wish we could take part in Michelle Rodriguez's Secret Santa, too.

Take that Jamie Lynn Spears - you might think you've got it going on by getting pregnant at 16, but come back once you've starred in a sex tape and then gone to jail for drugs and violence offences and then found out you're pregnant.

In other words, come back when you're Jessica Sierra from American Idol two years ago. Not content with still being in jail for violating her cocaine and battery probation by going on a drunken rampage in a nightclub - or being the star of the most grotty-sounding celebrity sex tape in the history of the medium - Jessica Sierra has just found out that someone's knocked her up. And not just anyone, either - Jessica Sierra has got pregnant at the hands of a rapper. And if you thought that giving birth to a rapper's baby in jail while a video of you having explicit sex was freely available on the internet was as bad as it got, think again - because despite all that nobody still has any bloody clue who Jessica Sierra actually is. 

Calm down; yes, there's apparently an American Idol sex tape about to hit the internet, but rest assured that you won't have to see Simon Cowell's bare todger flapping around like a torn blister in a windtunnel.

In fact it's a sex tape of Jessica Sierra, who we're told did moderately well at American Idol two years ago. And the sex tape isn't Jessica Sierra's only problem right now - that comes in the form of an arrest for intoxication and resisting arrest which violates her parole from the time she was arrested for battery and cocaine possession. But while Jessica Sierra faces the possibility of a lengthy jail sentence, we all get the sex tape to look forward to. And since we didn't even know who Jessica Sierra even was until about 10 seconds ago, it's basically going to be a video of an anonymous, slightly rough-looking woman having it off. We can't decide if that makes it better or worse, actually.

Dear stereotypical Islamic terrorists, you might want to think about launching a harebrained, not entirely convincing terrorist attack on Los Angeles sometime within the next 48 days.

Why? Because it's literally the only chance you'll have of doing it without Jack Bauer chasing you, shooting you, kicking you out of the back of trains and never ever urinating not even once. That's right - Kiefer Sutherland is in jail. Yesterday Kiefer Sutherland was sentenced to 48 days in jail following his DUI arrest earlier this year, and then immediately started his sentence. And, unlike Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan or Nicole Richie, Kiefer Sutherland is expected to complete his jail sentence in full, something that Kiefer would have probably avoided if he'd thought to release an ill-judged pop CD, star in a terrible reality TV show or go without underwear when getting out of cars now and then.

If you ever want to destroy a robot, the easiest thing to do is to mention 'Foxy Brown' and 'good behaviour' to it in the same sentence - you'll flip a switch in its logic-board and send it into a shrieking fiery meltdown.

So, if any robots are reading this, look away now. Foxy Brown has been granted an early release from solitary confinement due to good behaviour. That's right, even though Foxy Brown and good behaviour are like two polar opposites on the moral spectrum, Foxy Brown has been let out of solitary confinement after serving just 40 days of the 76 she was given for her part in a prison fight. Still, at least this way the other inmates at Rikers Island jail will receive the greatest Christmas gift of them all - the gift of Foxy Brown.

No, wait, the greatest gift of all is a Nintendo Wii. The gift of Foxy Brown is actually quite a disappointing gift.

Aside from the drugs, the self-harm, the wayward onstage performances and the erratic offstage behaviour, Amy Winehouse would be a model citizen if only her husband wasn't in jail for smashing some bloke's face up.

But he is, and he won't be getting out any time soon. Amy Winehouse's husband Blake Fielder-Civil was supposed to be in court this week over claims that he beat a man up so violently that the injuries left him needing metal plates in his face, but thanks to Blake Fielder-Civil getting arrested again last week for perverting the course of justice, the case has been pushed back. That means that a) Blake's going to be held in custody for a lot longer than he thought and b) it's looking more and more likely that the next Amy Winehouse album will just consist of 12 increasingly morose renditions of the Birds Of A Feather theme-tune.

While it's often claimed that celebrities usually get an easy ride when it comes to the law, Lane Garrison is living proof that moderately minor stars of TV shows that used to be good but aren't any more don't get that easy ride.

Lane Garrison - the dead ginger pickpocket from Prison Break - is the guy who drunkenly smashed his car into a tree in December, killing a teenage boy and seriously injuring two others. And yesterday after a series of psychiatric tests, Lane Garrison was sentenced to 40 months in jail for the crime. Let's just hope that Garrison doesn't befriend a heavily-tattooed escape artist while in jail - not because he'd copy the plot of Prison Break and escape, but because he'd copy the plot of Prison Break and get really dull.