Posts tagged as:

celebrities in jail

Foxy Brown A Bit Deaf Again, Nobody Cares

by Stuart Heritage

It must be awful being deaf in jail – if ever a yell of “Jailbreak!” went up, you’d just carry on sewing mailbags oblivious to all the fun.

And that’s what scares Foxy Brown the most. Still in jail, Foxy Brown has requested to go to California to have her cochlear implant examined and possibly repaired before it causes serious permanent damage to her hearing.

And, naturally, judge Justice Melissa Jackson told her to eff off. We’d like to see her be that brave next time she gets with Foxy Brown’s hair-pulling range.

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Busta Rhymes Avoids Jail For Being All Violent

by Stuart Heritage

Not so long ago, Busta Rhymes was alleged to have duffed up so many poor suckers that we thought he’d easily wind up in jail.

However, Busta Rhymes isn’t going to jail at all. Earlier today, Busta Rhymes copped to a plea deal that means he’ll have to do 10 days of community service for attacking an employee and a fan instead of the full one year jail stretch.

But ha! The joke’s on you, Busta Rhymes – sure, you might have thought that 10 days of community service is the easy option, but as a celebrity if you’d have settled for jail you’d have only actually been locked up for 23 minutes and a lovely cup of tea. Nice one, dickhead.

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Gary Glitter shits himself – has heart attack.

by Paul Sorrenti

You wanna be in his gang? No thanks, Gary Glitter! Not only may we be lead into one of your paedophile rings, but we may also be appropriated to suffer a shame-induced acute myocardial infarction at a mere 63 years young, just like your randy, goat-bearded self. In fact, you and your gang can go [...]

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Kiefer Sutherland Finally Out Of Jail

by Stuart Heritage

When a celebrity goes to jail, they tend to only spend about a tenth of a single traumatic nanosecond banged up – but not Kiefer Sutherland.

Kiefer Sutherland was released from jail just a few hours ago, having served all 48 of his 48-day sentence for DUI. And, now he’s out, Kiefer Sutherland gets to wear his ‘full sentence served’ badge like a war medal around his prematurely-released ex-con celebrity counterparts.

Obviously the only celebrity other than Kiefer Sutherland to serve their full sentence recently was Paris Hilton. We think this means that Kiefer will end up painted gold in a desert for a canned champagne advert soon or something.

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OJ Simpson Out Of Jail, But Officially Arrogant & Ignorant

by Stuart Heritage

It takes a brave man to yell at OJ Simpson with his reputation – well, a brave man or a rubbery-faced woman on a wooden bench, one or the other.

OJ Simpson was in jail between Friday and yesterday because he broke court orders and left a voicemail for Clarence Stewart, one of his alleged accomplices in the armed robbery he’s accused of staging.

And yesterday, before freeing him, Judge Jackie Glass decided to explain why this was wrong to OJ Simpson, by basically bellowing the words “Arrogant!” and “Ignorant!” at him until everyone in the courtroom ended up deaf and crying.

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Does Blake Want To Divorce Amy Winehouse?

by Stuart Heritage

To the naked eye, Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil are the perfect couple, in that while they’re together they can’t go round making slurring pikey babies with anyone else.

But there might be trouble in paradise – according to Amy Winehouse’s father, Blake has a habit of screaming things like “I want a divorce” at Amy Winehouse during arguments and now their marriage is dangerously on the rocks.

Let’s hope they’re just rumours, though, because watching Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil squabble for custody of a tatty trilby, a beehive wig that smells of gutters and enough drugs to down a herd of elephants would be quite traumatic for us.

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Michelle Rodriguez Out Of Jail 163 Days Early

by Stuart Heritage

It’s outrageous – all Michelle Rodriguez wants to do is find beauty in a jail cell and the sods keep setting her free before she can properly find it.

Although Michelle Rodriguez started her 180-day jail sentence for probation violation just over a fortnight ago, it has been reported that she was last night set free for good behaviour. In total Michelle Rodriguez served just 17 days of her six-month sentence.

Michelle should count herself lucky – one day longer and she’d have had to suffer through a full 10 percent of her sentence. Imagine how hellish that would be.

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Beanie Sigel Sentenced To One Gruelling Day In Jail

by Stuart Heritage

Beanie Sigel is a rapper who’s been shot in the shoulder in the past, but that’s hardly going to measure up to the hell of what he’s about to experience.

That’s because Beanie Sigel has been sentenced to jail for repeated parole violations. And we’re not talking some light-touch 90-minute jail sentence like Lindsay Lohan or Nicole Richie got, either – Beanie Sigel is going downtown bigtime, for a full backbreaking 24 hours.

Hopefully jail will do the trick for Beanie Sigel, and we’re expecting him to come out older and wiser. 24 hours older and 24 hours wiser, to be precise.

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Michelle Rodriguez Has 6 Months To Find Beauty In Jail

by Stuart Heritage

As a rational human being, the two things you want most for Christmas are to see Return Of BloodRayne and Girlfight 2: Not As Sexy As You’d Think finally get greenlit.

But tough luck, because neither of those things will happen for at least the next half-year – Michelle Rodriguez, the star of those original movies, has just started her six-month jail sentence for constantly being unable to follow simple probation rules. But it’s not all bad news, because now she’s been locked up in the Century Regional Detention Facility in Los Angeles, Michelle Rodriguez will get to take part in the jail’s annual inter-inmate Secret Santa. What will Michelle Rodriguez be given? A bucket of piss? A bucket of poo? A bucket of piss and poo all mixed up? A vigorous stabbing? Oh, how we wish we could take part in Michelle Rodriguez’s Secret Santa, too.

As a rational human being, the two things you want most for Christmas are to see Return Of BloodRayne and Girlfight 2: Not As Sexy As You'd Think finally get greenlit. But tough luck, because neither of those things will happen for at least the next half-year - Michelle Rodriguez, the star of those original movies, has just started her six-month jail sentence for constantly being unable to follow simple probation rules. But it's not all bad news, because now she's been locked up in the Century Regional Detention Facility in Los Angeles, Michelle Rodriguez will get to take part in the jail's annual inter-inmate Secret Santa. What will Michelle Rodriguez be given? A bucket of piss? A bucket of poo? A bucket of piss and poo all mixed up? A vigorous stabbing? Oh, how we wish we could take part in Michelle Rodriguez's Secret Santa, too.
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Now Jessica Sierra Might Be A Bit Pregnant Too

by Stuart Heritage

Take that Jamie Lynn Spears – you might think you’ve got it going on by getting pregnant at 16, but come back once you’ve starred in a sex tape and then gone to jail for drugs and violence offences and then found out you’re pregnant.

In other words, come back when you’re Jessica Sierra from American Idol two years ago. Not content with still being in jail for violating her cocaine and battery probation by going on a drunken rampage in a nightclub – or being the star of the most grotty-sounding celebrity sex tape in the history of the medium – Jessica Sierra has just found out that someone’s knocked her up. And not just anyone, either – Jessica Sierra has got pregnant at the hands of a rapper. And if you thought that giving birth to a rapper’s baby in jail while a video of you having explicit sex was freely available on the internet was as bad as it got, think again – because despite all that nobody still has any bloody clue who Jessica Sierra actually is.

Take that Jamie Lynn Spears - you might think you've got it going on by getting pregnant at 16, but come back once you've starred in a sex tape and then gone to jail for drugs and violence offences and then found out you're pregnant. In other words, come back when you're Jessica Sierra from American Idol two years ago. Not content with still being in jail for violating her cocaine and battery probation by going on a drunken rampage in a nightclub - or being the star of the most grotty-sounding celebrity sex tape in the history of the medium - Jessica Sierra has just found out that someone's knocked her up. And not just anyone, either - Jessica Sierra has got pregnant at the hands of a rapper. And if you thought that giving birth to a rapper's baby in jail while a video of you having explicit sex was freely available on the internet was as bad as it got, think again - because despite all that nobody still has any bloody clue who Jessica Sierra actually is.
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