Articles tagged with: celebrities in jail
Wesley Snipes’ Chums Try To Keep Him Out Of Jail
There's a good chance that Wesley Snipes will be sent to jail for three years today - but not if the bald bloke from Cheers has any say-so. In a final desperate bid to wriggle out of a jail sentence after being found guilty of tax fraud, Wesley Snipes has enlisted the help of two of his most famous friends - Denzel Washington and Woody Harrleson - to write character witness statements pleading with the judge to let Snipes keep his freedom. It might just work - the naturally-authoritative Washington appeals to the judge's sense of leniency by referring to Snipes in his letter as 'a mighty oak'. Harrelson, meanwhile, has just drawn a big picture of a happy cat in wax crayon on his, and then written 'I like kitons' underneath it. Might help.
There's a good chance that Wesley Snipes will be sent to jail for three years today - but not if the bald bloke from Cheers has any say-so. In a final desperate bid to wriggle out of a jail sentence after being found guilty of tax fraud, Wesley Snipes has enlisted the help of two of his most famous friends - Denzel Washington and Woody Harrleson - to write character witness statements pleading with the judge to let Snipes keep his freedom. It might just work - the naturally-authoritative Washington appeals to the judge's sense of leniency by referring to Snipes in his letter as 'a mighty oak'. Harrelson, meanwhile, has just drawn a big picture of a happy cat in wax crayon on his, and then written 'I like kitons' underneath it. Might help.
Pete Doherty’s Not Back On Heroin After All! Wheee!
Aside from getting rubbish tattoos and befriending injured birds to act as symbolic allusions to your lost freedom, there's not actually a lot to do in prison. So it's weird that, since Pete Doherty went to prison a couple of weeks ago, we've heard far more about him than when he was a free man. Namely, we've heard an awful lot about how Pete Doherty has somehow managed to track down a load of heroin in prison and stick it all up his bum, or whatever it is you're supposed to do with heroin. But it turns out that these heroin stories were all giant lies, because Pete Doherty is completely free of drugs. We know this because Pete Doherty said so himself in a barely-legible note to a woman we've never heard of. And, as we've always said, you can put scrawled notes by convicted drug addicts in the bank.
Aside from getting rubbish tattoos and befriending injured birds to act as symbolic allusions to your lost freedom, there's not actually a lot to do in prison. So it's weird that, since Pete Doherty went to prison a couple of weeks ago, we've heard far more about him than when he was a free man. Namely, we've heard an awful lot about how Pete Doherty has somehow managed to track down a load of heroin in prison and stick it all up his bum, or whatever it is you're supposed to do with heroin. But it turns out that these heroin stories were all giant lies, because Pete Doherty is completely free of drugs. We know this because Pete Doherty said so himself in a barely-legible note to a woman we've never heard of. And, as we've always said, you can put scrawled notes by convicted drug addicts in the bank.
Brace Yourselves: Foxy Brown’s Out Of Jail
We're not joking. Lock your doors, strap down your children and only go to sleep if you're wearing full body armour - Foxy Brown is out of jail. On Friday afternoon Foxy Brown was finally set free from Riker's Island jail, where she'd been serving time for probation violation stemming from a fight with some manicure workers. And, although the world has changed drastically in the eight months since she was first imprisoned, Foxy Brown has gone all out to prove that she's changed even more. In fact, Foxy Brown has publicly stated that she believes God put her in jail for a reason. Which is actually true - it's just that the reason happened to be that Foxy Brown is a mental lunatic who couldn't be more violent if you cross-bred her with a wasp.
We're not joking. Lock your doors, strap down your children and only go to sleep if you're wearing full body armour - Foxy Brown is out of jail. On Friday afternoon Foxy Brown was finally set free from Riker's Island jail, where she'd been serving time for probation violation stemming from a fight with some manicure workers. And, although the world has changed drastically in the eight months since she was first imprisoned, Foxy Brown has gone all out to prove that she's changed even more. In fact, Foxy Brown has publicly stated that she believes God put her in jail for a reason. Which is actually true - it's just that the reason happened to be that Foxy Brown is a mental lunatic who couldn't be more violent if you cross-bred her with a wasp.
Akon Not No Thug, Probably Even Scared Of Wee Girls
The way hecklerspray got so bad-A is by enduring hard times. For instance, in grade school we often got homework on the weekends. Also our Mom’s favorite cat never once let us cuddle it in our lap. Now, as revenge, we stand over where Mr Whiskers is buried in the backyard and shoot bullets into the ground. We seem to do that at least monthly. In a way it’s kind of like we finally get to scratch his belly. The reason we do things like that is because we’re hard, tough, and often find ourselves relating quite well to people who have street-cred on TV. You knew that though, right? We rap about it all the time. It’s how we vent our sour memories. We’re just like Akon that way. He vents too – about the hard times. Except The Smoking Gun looked into it recently and found he lied and he’s probably actually a non-criminal masterminded wuss.
Wesley Snipes Staring At Three Years In Jail
Now's the time to start hoarding your special edition Passenger 57 DVDs, because you might not see Wesley Snipes again until 2011. Now that he's officially a convicted tax-dodger, Wesley Snipes is waiting to be told his fate, and prosecutors are urging the judge to hit him with the maximum three-year jail sentence, with a $5 million fine thrown in on top. It sounds particularly harsh, but prosecutors want Wesley Snipes to serve the maximum punishment so it will deter any Wesley Snipes fans who think that not filing your tax returns is cool. Although we're sure none of them think that - if Wesley Snipes has any fans at all, we're not even sure they'd be able to spell their own names, let alone file any tax returns.
Now's the time to start hoarding your special edition Passenger 57 DVDs, because you might not see Wesley Snipes again until 2011. Now that he's officially a convicted tax-dodger, Wesley Snipes is waiting to be told his fate, and prosecutors are urging the judge to hit him with the maximum three-year jail sentence, with a $5 million fine thrown in on top. It sounds particularly harsh, but prosecutors want Wesley Snipes to serve the maximum punishment so it will deter any Wesley Snipes fans who think that not filing your tax returns is cool. Although we're sure none of them think that - if Wesley Snipes has any fans at all, we're not even sure they'd be able to spell their own names, let alone file any tax returns.
Report: Pete Doherty’s On The Skag Again
Oh christ, here we go again. Before he was jailed, we thought that Pete Doherty had kicked the drugs. His ballooning weight suggested that he'd either got his appetite back or he'd found a brand-new drug that was mostly made of congealed chip fat. Either way, Pete Doherty was off the drugs and it was a relief. Except he wasn't - according to reports, Pete Doherty is back taking all the heroin he can get his hands on in prison. That's a report that comes from a prisoner, so it must be true, because everyone knows that prisoners are the nicest, most honest group of people in the world.
Oh christ, here we go again. Before he was jailed, we thought that Pete Doherty had kicked the drugs. His ballooning weight suggested that he'd either got his appetite back or he'd found a brand-new drug that was mostly made of congealed chip fat. Either way, Pete Doherty was off the drugs and it was a relief. Except he wasn't - according to reports, Pete Doherty is back taking all the heroin he can get his hands on in prison. That's a report that comes from a prisoner, so it must be true, because everyone knows that prisoners are the nicest, most honest group of people in the world.
Pete Doherty To Continue Making Awful Music In Prison
When shambling oxygen-thief Pete Doherty was recently thrown into prison for the grand total of 14 weeks, hecklerspray felt a murmur within our hearts - a rare glimmer of optimism, if you like. With P-Doh locked away, we reasoned, surely this would see a brief end to his staggeringly bad musical output? Hell: at least it'd be a long enough hiatus to ensure his fans became obsessed with something more entertaining - like watching a puppy slowly suffocate or listening to the mechanical vibrations of the Phillips X300 Bathroom Extractor Fan (man, when that third whirr cycle kicks in, it's just awesome). Alas, it was not to be. In a statement that has devastated the ear-owning community, Doherty has decided that prison life won't stop him churning out his sixth-form garbage. Mind you, seeing as prisons are essentially rife with drug abuse, violent assault and general hopelessness and despair, a couple of new Babyshambles tracks might make the ideal soundtrack.
When shambling oxygen-thief Pete Doherty was recently thrown into prison for the grand total of 14 weeks, hecklerspray felt a murmur within our hearts - a rare glimmer of optimism, if you like. With P-Doh locked away, we reasoned, surely this would see a brief end to his staggeringly bad musical output? Hell: at least it'd be a long enough hiatus to ensure his fans became obsessed with something more entertaining - like watching a puppy slowly suffocate or listening to the mechanical vibrations of the Phillips X300 Bathroom Extractor Fan (man, when that third whirr cycle kicks in, it's just awesome). Alas, it was not to be. In a statement that has devastated the ear-owning community, Doherty has decided that prison life won't stop him churning out his sixth-form garbage. Mind you, seeing as prisons are essentially rife with drug abuse, violent assault and general hopelessness and despair, a couple of new Babyshambles tracks might make the ideal soundtrack.
Conan O’Brien’s Stalky Clergyman Dodges Jail
We don't know for sure, but we'd imagine that Jesus was a very tall man with abnormally ginger hair and a slight blueish tint to his skin. Because we've looked at it from every angle, and the only explanation we can find for Conan O'Brien getting stalked by a Catholic priest is that the priest figured he was the actual son of God, which must also mean that The Masturbating Bear is John The Apostle or something, but we haven't really thought it through that far. Anyway, the important news is that Conan O'Brien's stalky priest, the Rev. David Ajemian, won't be going to jail. He has, however, been ordered to stay away from Conan O'Brien for two years, meaning that Conan's set for quite the hefty backlog of angry threatening letters written in blood come April 2010.
We don't know for sure, but we'd imagine that Jesus was a very tall man with abnormally ginger hair and a slight blueish tint to his skin. Because we've looked at it from every angle, and the only explanation we can find for Conan O'Brien getting stalked by a Catholic priest is that the priest figured he was the actual son of God, which must also mean that The Masturbating Bear is John The Apostle or something, but we haven't really thought it through that far. Anyway, the important news is that Conan O'Brien's stalky priest, the Rev. David Ajemian, won't be going to jail. He has, however, been ordered to stay away from Conan O'Brien for two years, meaning that Conan's set for quite the hefty backlog of angry threatening letters written in blood come April 2010.
